The Falcon House
by Circuit's Dead
Summary: The Falcon House is a quaint little coffee shop on Smash Street run by Bart Lemming AKA Captain Falcon. But when Smashers and their relationship problems start popping up everywhere, it's up to the egotistical F-Zero racer to lend a hand. But will he be able to keep his identity a secret? A slice of life collection that starts culminating into a story.
1. Chapter 1: Enter Bart

**So I got alternate for a part on Friday, and in the end it turns out they didn't need me at all. So in the hallway, I decided to write this one-shot rom-com.**

**Because why not?**

**Anyways, this is my first time doing something like this, so let me know what you think. I'll try to respond to you ASAP. Otherwise, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my crappy fanfiction. There are spoilers for F-Zero, Metriod, Mother, and a whole other bunch of things yet to be added. You have been warned ahead of time.**

**Since this was mentioned by a reviewer, be warned of talking Pokémon. If you've ever seen the Universal Translator from Star Trek, imagine it like that.**

**I do not own the name Bart Lemming or the name The Falcon House because Nintendo would be screwed. You're welcome.**

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Chapter 1: Enter Bart

* * *

It was a normal day for Bart Lemming. Quite frankly, his business couldn't have been doing better. The Falcon House, one of Smash City's many coffee houses, was doing exceeding well. Customers were coming and going, enjoying a quick cup of coffee and perhaps a chat with the kind and eccentric owner if they had the chance. Most noticed his particular quirks, but no one ever questioned the mysterious chef.

Of course, they probably knew him better by his other name: Captain Falcon.

For some reason or another, no one had made that connection yet. Even the racer could have figured that out with the amount of time everyone else had. Well, that was part of his job anyways as a bounty hunter, but come on! Douglas Jay Falcon. Falcon. The Falcon House. The F-Zero racer just guessed that most were unaware of Bart's abnormal amount of muscle, which he kept hidden underneath his brown leather jacket, or maybe they didn't notice the occasional "Falcon" slip he would do. They could continue being blind like usual for all he cared, just as long as he could keep his other identity a secret.

He never had to worry about that until today.

It was just after the rush hour on the last day of Captain Falcon's Christmas break, and so far business had been slow. It was mainly because Smash City was vacant of the usual customers, for most everyone Bart knew had family elsewhere. He and Mr. Game and Watch (Mr. Game and Watch apparently hadn't made the connection either, which once again, was fine by the captain) were preparing for the slow dinner hours, preparing toasted sandwiches and his famous homemade chips. At this point, Mr. Game and Watch was finishing everything else, so Bart decided to wipe the countertop off.

"Mr. G, are you done yet?" Bart lazily yelled back as he wet his rag.

"Nearly!" The Flatlander responded. "By the way, I invited some of my friends over to eat tonight. I hope you don't mind."

"That's fine with me." The entrepreneur was half-paying attention. "Who did you invite?"

_Ring!_

The door swung open as Jigglypuff and Kirby entered the establishment. The pink Pokèmon was wearing a small flower in her hair and a tiny purse around her shoulder (in reality, it was a tiny handbag with string taped to the ends of it). Bart could tell that she was irritated from her movements; she was constantly tapping her foot and checking the time on her watch. Kirby stood awkwardly besides her, looking nervous. A twing of regret was plastered on his face, but from what Bart could not tell.

"This is the place you take me out to?" Jigglypuff frowned, looking around at the modest restaurant. "A coffee house?"

"Mr. Game and Watch recommended it." said Kirby nervously, looking down at a sheet of paper. "Yep, this is the place. He said they get your meals five minutes or less or you eat free for a month! How about that?!"

"Hmph!" Jigglypuff rolled her eyes. "You mean the 2-D blunder? Isn't he the one who keeps putting black specks in my food?"

"That's pepper, and you put that in your food." Kirby reluctantly reminded her. "Look, if you don't want to eat here... "

"No no," Jigglypuff crossed her arms and turned away from the pink puffball, "I said you could choose. Let's see what a mistake you've made this time."

Bart immediately ducked behind the counter. "Crap..." He mumbled to himself, "Of course Mr. Game and Watch invites the two biggest eaters over to eat. Why wouldn't he? Ugh. Kirby must have screwed up badly if Jigglypuff actually managed to cross her little stubby arms. Let's just hope they don't recognize me..."

"Hey!" Jigglypuff started slamming hard on the front bell. "Where's the desk jockey? _HEY_!"

Swallowing all of his regrets, Bart stood up. "Hello!" he greeted casually, "Welcome to The Falcon House. I'm Bart Lemming, how may I take your order?"

"... Did you just appear from underneath that desk?" deadpanned Kirby, staring suspiciously at the human.

"Umm... Dropped my pen, that's all!" Falcon smiled, scratching the back of his head. "What would you and your lady like?"

Kirby took a step back, eyeing the menu with a hungry and lustful eye. "I'll have the—"

"We'll have ten orders of the Garden Salad and two coffees each please." Jigglypuff interrupted. Kirby was about to protest, but Jigglypuff started dragging him towards their table before he could even say a word.

"Umm... Okay." Bart frowned. "You do realize you pay up here and we give you food at the table, right?"

"What kind of restaurant is this?" Jigglypuff scowled, opening her purse and walking back up towards the front.

"... It's a coffee house, ma'am." Bart sighed, taking her credit card. "Haven't you ever been to, I dunno, Starbucks?"

"They have deers in space?" Jigglypuff gasped.

"... Never mind. Here's your reciept, ma'am." Bart handed her the paper. "Anything else?"

Kirby was about to add something from his seat, but Jigglypuff only said, "That's all, thanks." With that, she headed towards their table.

"Hmm..." Bart started brewing their coffees. Jigglypuff was definitely acting different. The couple were two peas in a pod, and their love for each other was almost matched by their love of food. Thai, Italian, French, American... Anything you put in front of them they would eat. Kirby and Jigglypuff were probably the Mansion's most well known couple. They had been going out since Brawl, and from what Falcon had heard they couldn't be happier. Or maybe they could, as Bart watched Jigglypuff chew out Kirby's nonexistent ears. Something was definitely off with the two.

"Kirby told me they were having relationship problems recently." said Mr. Game and Watch as he approached his employer. "I thought if they went out on a date it might help, but it looks like it's not."

"Holy crap you scared me! " snapped Bart, turning around. "Don't do that again!"

"... I've been here the whole time." frowned Mr. Game and Watch. "Their garden salads are ready, by the way."

"Great, thanks." Grabbing as many as he could, he cautiously approached their table.

"... and worst of all, when's the last time you bothered listening to me?!" snapped Jigglypuff at Kirby. The hero of Popstar looked bored, staring out the window.

"Here you go." Bart said, sliding over their meals. "I'll go back and get the rest."

"About time." Jigglypuff growled, grabbing her fork and angrily stabbing her plate. "I thought this place had a reputation for being fast."

"... That was like, a perfect thirty seconds."

"Humph. Thought it would be faster."

Kirby shot a sympathetic glance at the waiter. "Thank you sir."

Bart returned the glance before heading back. "She's some work." He grumbled as he retrieved the remaining plates and the coffees.

"Yeah." Mr. Game and Watch shook his head, although his three-frame body made it look more like a head turn. "I have no idea what he sees in her. "

"Ditto." Bart heaved the last of the plates and marched back over. Clearing his throat, he said, "And the rest of your meal."

"Excuse me, waiter," Jigglypuff pointed down at her food, "this salad's cold."

Bart could only stare at her in pure confusion. "They're supposed to be cold, ma'am." He deadpanned. "It's a salad."

"It also's moist."

"... Ma'am, it's supposed to be moist; it's drenched in Falcon Ran– er, ranch."

"Why the heck do people even eat salads then?!" Jigglypuff complained, throwing down her fork in disgust. "Next time I see Wii Fit Trainer I'm going to throw this green thing in his face! "

"That's called lettuce." Kirby said calmy, although he looked just as frustrated as her.

"I know that! Don't tell me how to pronounce things!" She snapped, throwing her napkin on the table. "Excuse me!" With that, she left for the bathroom.

"That's not what a pronunciation— and she's gone." Kirby sighed, slumping down in his chair. Looking at Bart, he sighed, "Sorry that she's acting like this. She's usually not this... what's the word..."

"Dumb?" nodded Bart, pulling up a chair.

Kirby shot him a look of annoyance. "I was going to say irritating."

"Er, right, Freudian slip." Bart scratched the back of his head.

"... Sure." Kirby took a sip of his coffee. "You know, stranger, I've never have loved a girl like Jigglypuff. But lately, she's been... I don't know. She keeps rolling her eyes at me and insulting whatever I do for her. You know I got her an emerald bracelet for Christmas, and she didn't even take a second look at it. I'm talking about those expensive real Chaos Emerald replicas, not those plastic ones you get at Smash Mart. Wanna know what she told me? She said that it wasn't worth the coins I spent on it. Seriously! I spent my year's pay on that thing and she didn't even care! She's starting to really get me down... At this point I'm just ignoring her."

The bounty hunter started feeling sorry for the poor little guy. After all, Captain Falcon hated to see a fellow Smasher sad, especially after Dr. Mario's little episode. As one of the Mansion's leading ladies men, he decided that he, of course, would be the perfect man to help Kirby out with his little relationship problem.

"Look," Bart stared directly at the pink puffball, "I know a thing or two about dating women, so I figure why not give you some advice." Kirby looked up, his eyes shining. "This is what you gotta do. Look her directly in the eyes and say, 'Honey, I'm a grown man. That means that whatever's troubling you should be left to you and you alone. Get me out of this!' Got that?"

"I'm not sure that's the right approach." Kirby frowned, squinting at the waiter. "Aren't you supposed to be supportive in your relationship? "

"Pfft, supportive." Bart waved his hand as if it wasn't even a word. "Look, I've been in twenty-five relationships. How many have you been in, huh?"

"One, but I'm not so sure that the more relationship you've been in is a good indicator."

Bart looked taken aback, as if Kirby had slapped him square in the face. "Whatdaya mean by that?"

"I mean that if your relationship has lasted longer, then that shows your expertise. If you have more relationships, doesn't that mean you have more breakups as well?"

The bounty hunter just stared with his mouth agaped, not sure what to think about Kirby's claim. "Well... Uh... Hey, you asked for my advice in the first place!"

"No I didn't." Kirby frowned. "You just sat down and started talking."

Bart was going to say something else, but all of a sudden the bathroom door opened. "Crap, gotta run!" With that, the peculiar entrepreneur ran back to his post, keeping one ear trained on their conversation.

"Hmph!" Jigglypuff grunted as she sat down. "The bathrooms are atrocious! What kind of restaurant is this? You made a terrible decision, Kirby."

"Umm..." Kirby looked nervously over at Bart. The cook only gave a thumbs up and a wink before returning to wipe down the rest of the counter.

"Quit leaving your mouth open, Kirby." Jigglypuff snapped, taking a bite of her food. "Dear Arceus, this is disgusting."

"Umm... Jigglypuff." Kirby looked back and forth between Bart and his girlfriend. "Umm... Honey, I'm a grown man... And uh..." Bart nodded encouragely. "And... What that means is that... Umm... What ever is troubling you shouldn't be... Umm..."

"Spit it out already!" Jigglypuff snapped. "You're the worst kind of—"

"_QUIT BEING A JERK_!" Kirby suddenly yelled. The room fell silent, the only sound permeating the fragile balance was the clock ticking on Falcon's wall. Finally, Kirby stood up.

"Excuse me." With that, Kirby ran to the bathroom with freshly formed tears in his eyes.

Bart felt horrible. Sure, maybe his advice wasn't the best (although he immediately dismissed that idea after thinking it), but somehow the bounty hunter felt like this was his fault. Kirby had seemed to make the situation only worse, for Jigglypuff was sobbing her heart out on the table. Mustering his courage, Bart walked over to their table.

"Hey, look," said Bart casually, pulling up his chair, "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation, partly because you guys are the only ones in here. What's wrong, ma'am?"

"It's... It's nothing." She wept, wiping a tear away from her eye. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"Well... I'm a Smasher, as you probably know," Jigglypuff began, trying to calm down, "and I've had my fair share of fights. But... There's this one guy named Captain Falcon, you see," She didn't notice Bart freeze in place, "and he's an absolute jerk. After a battle one day, he... He called me fat!"

Unfortunately, the F-Zero racer recalled that day. It was late at night, and Falcon wasn't having the best of luck that day, not to mention he was exhausted after chasing a bounty the other night. Sure, Falcon may have gotten angry when the golden hammer happened to fall next to her, and sure, he may have cussed her out afterwards and called her a few "names," but it couldn't have been that bad... Could it?

"After that, I've been on a diet," Jigglypuff explained, "trying some healthy alternatives like this gross green stuff. I even hired the male Wii Fit Trainer to help me work out! I'm going through a lot of things lately, but I guess I've been forcing it on Kirby too..." She sighed. "I've been trying to turn my life around, but Kirby... Every time we go out, he orders some huge delicious feast I can't eat and I lose my temper. I guess I haven't really been thinking about him in this process..." She started sobbing again. "I'm probably the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends!"

Bart flinched. Now it was for sure his fault for all of this. Maybe he should've kept his big mouth closed for once. Jigglypuff was obviously scarred, and Kirby was feeling the backlash of her rage. It was hard to be supportive, Falcon reflected, when Kirby was constantly reminding her of what she was, although it didn't help that he wasn't paying attention to her.

"Hey, look," Bart leaned forward in his chair, "I can tell that you're stressed. Maybe this 'Falcon' guy isn't so bad. Sure, we slip up every once in a while, but it's not like we do it on purpose. "

"Yeah, sure..." Jigglypuff sniffled, wiping her face with a tissue, "I've screwed up, but poor Kirby had nothing to do with this. I'll just apologize to him when he comes out. Thanks Bart."

"Just holler if you need me." The peculier owner nodded, running back to his post. After a minute, Kirby walked out of the bathroom with red streaks down his pink face. Before he could say anything, Jigglypuff stood up.

"Hey Kirby," Jigglypuff said, looking up at her date. "Look, I've been mean to you lately, and quite frankly I feel awful about the whole thing. I shouldn't be like that to you. I just wanted to lose some weight, and I threw you under the bus with me. Can you forgive me?"

Kirby looked taken aback by her genuine honesty. "Oh Jigglypuff..." He smiled, " You know that doesn't matter to me. I would love you either way. It doesn't matter what you look like, it just matters what you are inside. I know that sounds cheesy, but..."

"Oh Kirby!" Jigglypuff gave him a great big hug; Kirby happily returned it. "I can't believe we've been so mean to each other over something so silly as this."

"Well, it was mainly you, but sure!" smiled Kirby. Jigglypuff immediately frowned and let go of her boyfriend.

"My fault?" deadpanned Jigglypuff, squinting at Kirby.

"Well..." Kirby realized his slip up. "I didn't mean... Well, I though we were..."

"Don't tell me this isn't your fault too!" Jigglypuff snapped. "You're just as guilty!"

"How was I supposed to know that you were on a diet?!" said Kirby, trying to defend himself. "There was no indicator, or even a—"

"No indicator?! " Jigglypuff yowled. "Don't give me that! What about…"

Meanwhile, Bart stood at his post, tightly clenching the rag he held. If any of them had bothered to look over at their host, they would've seen the deranged twitch in his eyes or perhaps the red spreading across his face. Finally, when he couldn't take anymore, he yelled, "_HEY! LISTEN!_"

Both of them froze and turned to look at the owner. "You both are idiots! Kirby, she's going through a lot right now! She needs support, not your indulgence! Jigglypuff, it is your fault because you can't appreciate him! He loves you, a lot! You both love each other a lot! Shut up and love each other already! I would sack everything for a relationship as dedicated and as loving as yours!"

Both looked absolutely astonished at what he just said. The silence was maddening; Falcon's heavy breathing was the only thing that could be heard through the silence. Finally, Kirby spoke.

"Bart's right." Kirby nodded slowly. "We're both being selfish. We love each other, right?" He turned to look at his girlfriend. "Sure, we argue a lot. And eat a lot. And argue while eating a lot. But that shouldn't matter because I'm the luckiest guy in the world." He held Jigglypuff's hand. "It may have taken a complete and utter stranger to finally realize that, but I would wait a lifetime if I had to for you."

"Me too!" Jigglypuff happily embraced him again, smiling. "You're right, Kirby. It shouldn't matter what I look like, just as long as you love me." She looked at her salads, practically untouched. "Let's eat some real food, okay?"

"Are you sure?" Kirby asked, his eyes lighting up.

"Yeah. Bart, get us five of everything on the menu. Except salads, of course."

Falcon recalled his shop's motto: "Five minutes or less or you eat free for a month!" He immediately flinched.

"That's what I get for opening my big mouth..."

* * *

**Poor Captain! Although, mind you, it really was his fault in the first place. I bet most of you didn't know that Falcon has another idenity (and underneath that, another identity) or that Bart Lemming owns a coffee shop! Although most of this info is disputed, I decided that I would add this for Falcon just to add depth to his character.**

**Now a brief aside for a moment. For those who don't know, in the English Dub of the F-Zero anime Bart Lemming is instead referred to as Burt Lemming. I actually grew up on Burt Lemming, but I changed it to Bart because it sounded better. For those wondering, there you go.**

**So this was my first romance story! Trust me, it was hard to write, but I found it rewarding in the end. For Pete's sake, I've always found Jigglypuff and Kirby to be an awkward couple!**

_Then why did you write about them, Mr. CD?_

**... Because shut up, that's why.**

**Anyways, I hoped you guys enjoyed this. Romance isn't my strong suite, so let me know what I could've done better. Until next time, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a nice day!**


	2. Chapter 2: Valentines Day

**I got grounded, so I'm uploading this story from school. Yay.**

**Also, I was surprised how popular this story became, so as usual I came out with a sequel. Because yes.**

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Chapter 2: Valentines Day

* * *

It's not everyday you get to repeat your nightmare.

Of course, it couldn't have come at a worse time. It was high-noon, the rush hour for The Falcon House. Bart was quickly dashing around, serving the tables as fast as he could. Mr. Game and Watch was working feverishly in the back; Falcon could see pans and food flying everywhere from the small bar top where he picked up the food. Occasionally, Bart would rush inside to help the Flatlander, but when he heard that accursed bell ring from the front counter he would dive back outside and await the next order.

Bart enjoyed the hard labor. There was nothing more exciting than racing against the clock and satisfying his customers simultaneously. Usually at the end of the hard day's labor, Falcon would have worked up a nice sweat and a mischievous grin on his face to repeat it all over again.

But it could've been any other day than Valentines Day. Any other day before they returned.

Bart was cleaning up the countertop when the tiny high-pitched bell over the front door let out a shrill sound throughout the coffee house. Surprised, Bart's hand flew to the side, knocking down his pen cup. Angrily, Captain Falcon bent over to pick up the writing utensils, chastising himself for being so careless. Then, much to his dismay, a familiar sound echoed throughout his ears.

"Hey!" Jigglypuff started slamming hard on the front bell. "Where's the desk jockey? HEY!"

"Not them again..." Falcon nervously groaned, putting his face in his free hand. "Any day but today... Literally! Last time they nearly ate me out of business! I swear, if they think they can stomach another all-you-can-eat-buffet, they have another thing coming for them!" Putting on his best smile, he stood up and said, "Welcome to the Falcon House! How may— Hey, it's you guys again! Kirby... Right?"

"I'm Jigglypuff, remember?" The pink puffball rolled her eyes. "Bart, you're so strange."

"Sorry, I get names confused sometimes!" Bart smiled, trying to play dumb. "How may I help you two this time?"

"Actually, it's the four of us." said Kirby casually as he approached the countertop. "We're on a double date for Valentine's Day. Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are coming as well. They're in the back parking."

"Pac-Man... And... Ms. Pac-Man?" The bounty hunter gulped nervously, imagining the huge yellow ball eating up his whole pantry. Falcon knew Pac-Man had a reputation for having an appetite as big as Kirby's, so the imagery in his mind wasn't helping. His daydream got even worse when he added a second yellow ball and Kirby and Jigglypuff and— he needed to stop before it got any worse. "He's... He's married?"

"Apparently so." Jigglypuff didn't notice the waiter's shaky hands as he returned the clattering pens to their cup. "I told them about your five-minute policy, and they couldn't believe their ears! And when I told them about your food... Well, they nearly fainted in excitement!"

Falcon looked like he was about to faint right there and then before Kirby quickly interjected, "Don't worry about us, by the way. Mr. Game and Watch talked to us about what nearly happened last time. I promise we won't be such gluttons again. But," he added with a mischievous smirk, "I'm not holding back from a good meal! Hahaha!"

Bart looked relieved. "Oh... Well, in that case, feel free to—"

"Order for Table Sixty-Four!" Mr. Game and Watch called out, sliding the plates onto the tray window. "A potato soup, a toasted ham sandwich, and two lemonades."

"I thought I was the one who made the drinks!" Bart barked, glaring at his chef as he grabbed the plates.

"You're the one procrastinating!" Mr. Game and Watch retorted. "I'm working my fingers off back here and you're just standing there talking like Captain Falcon! He has a big mouth, you know!"

"... Shut up!" Casting a sheepish smile to the couple, Bart quickly dashed off to deliver his orders.

"...He's a strange one." Kirby reflected, watching the waiter precariously dash over tabletops towards the opposite end of the room. The customers didn't act surprised, as if this was normal.

"He's definitely a character." Jigglypuff agreed with a sigh. Then the bell over the door rang again as two yellow balls entered the room.

"Hey, I remember this place!" said the closest one, a man. He wore red boxing gloves and shoes and a huge smile slapped across his face. "I loved this back in the day!"

"I thought you said you hated this place!" The other frowned, a woman. She wore red high heels, gloves, and a huge bow on her head. The red lipstick on her face complimented the mascara on her eyelids, and as she spoke her beauty mark on her face danced around joyously. "I haven't been coming here for years because of you!"

"Pish posh." Pac-Man rolled his eyes. "You haven't been here before."

"I swear, there was another Falcon House here in Smash City!" Ms. Pac-Man protested. "I think it was run by someone named Capta—"

"Hey there!" Bart quickly dashed back to his post just in the nick of time. "How may I take your orders?"

"Oh!" Pac-Man looked astonished by his speed. "Say... You look familiar... Do I know you?"

"Umm... Of course not!" Bart smiled nervously. "I would remember someone like you! Heheh..."

"I guess..." Pac-Man frowned as if he didn't believe him.

"Say, do you know of another Falcon House?" asked Ms. Pac-Man. "I swear I've been in this coffee house before."

Crap... thought Bart when he realized what was happening. Back before Smash City was a sprawling metropolis, he had run the restaurant under Captain Falcon. When that restaurant went under (apparently no one trusted the bounty hunter enough to serve delicious food), Falcon had "sold" the franchise to Bart Lemming. The Falcon House had been thriving since 2001, but apparently Ms. Pac-Man remembered it somehow from a distant memory. Shaking his head, he lied, "No ma'am, this is the only Falcon House ever, yes ma'am. Heheh..."

"Huh, I swear I've been here before..." The Namco wife sighed. "Oh well. What do you want dear?"

"I don't know..." Pac-Man frowned. "Last time I went here my food wasn't very good..."

"But I thought you said you loved this place!" Jigglypuff protested, looking quite surprised at his sudden change of heart. Bart could tell there was a certain edge to her voice when she addresses the Namco character, but Falcon just ignored it like usual.

"Well, I used to," Pac-Man admitted, scratching the back of his head, "but I got this really bad fish one time and it ruined it for me. It was really weird and black and I think it was, what, 2-D? Ugh. Anyways, I'm not really interested in anything on the menu."

"Well if I would've known you hated this place I never would have offered to come here!" replied Jigglypuff, an annoyed look on her face. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I said you could choose." admitted Pac-Man with the same annoyed expression as Jigglypuff. "So I let you choose."

"But I wouldn't have choose here if you didn't like it!"

"Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Shut up and order already." Falcon grumbled from underneath his breath. The line behind them was quickly getting longer and longer, and at this point Bart was getting nervous.

"We'll go, don't worry about it."

"No no, I said it was fine. I'll just order something light."

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me, I'll manage."

"I mean, there's this quaint place not far from here called—"

"Guys, let's just eat here!" Kirby gesticulated. "I'm sure Bart's not going to let Mr. Game and Watch serve up some crappy fish again! We're keeping him waiting!" Turning to the waiting cashier, he said, "We'll take four lemonades. I'll have two toasted chicken avocado sandwich, Jigglypuff will have the potato soup with three baskets of crackers. Ms. Pac-Man?" He turned to his female friend. "You may have the floor."

"I'll have the garden salad and the same thing as Kirby." She nodded. "And Pac-Man will take the toasted fish sandwich. No excuses!" she added, shooting her husband a glance.

"Great!" Bart said, smiling as he jotted down the order. "I'll get it done in a jiffy!" Tearing the order off of his pad, he threw the paper back to Mr. Game and Watch. As he accepted their money, Bart couldn't help a sigh of relief. It looked to him that today they were going to just be regular customers with a slightly bigger appetite. As he took the next order, he smiled a huge stupid grin. This is going to be an normal day from here on out, he thought.

But hey, this is Smash. Nothing's ever normal.

* * *

No sooner than when they sat down, another argument had already sprung up from Pac-Man and Jigglypuff.

"I should have payed for that!" Jigglypuff protested as they sat down. They had chosen a table close to the huge glass windows in the front. From the giant glass panes, they could see the famous Melee Mansion in the middle of the Smash Park, towering over the landscape.

"No no, it's fine," Pac-Man insisted as he took his seat closest to the window. "Anyways, I've saved the world thousands of times. I think I can pay for lunch every once in a while."

"I've heard a little about your adventures," Kirby nodded, sitting across from Ms. Pac-Man, "but I'm not too familiar with them. Can you tell me about them?"

"No problem!" Pac-Man smiled as he leaned back carefree in his chair. "I'm the guardian of my home world, Pac-World. Back in the day, I held the line between the Spectral Realm and the real world. You know Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde, right?"

"The four ghosts?" recalled Kirby. "Yeah, how could I forget? You used them as your meteor smashes, right?"

"Bingo!" Pac-Man smiled. "We used to get into fights all the time. Sometimes they would invade the Pellet Forest to steal the Power Pellets or try and take over the world either as pawns or independent agents. There was a couple of times in high school when we used to work together to stop this guy named Betrayus."

"Wait, wait, wait." Jigglypuff interjected. "Betrayus?"

"Yes. What's wrong?" Pac-Man frowned.

"Betrayus. Like, Betray-us?"

"Yeah? And?"

"That's literally the stupidest name I've ever heard." Jigglypuff laughed. "Betray. Us. Betrayus! Let me guess, he betrayed you? Hahaha!"

"Jigglypuff..." Kirby tried whispering to his girlfriend. "Don't—"

"What are his parent's name? Befriendhim? Backstabbingme? Man, I could go all day!" Jigglypuff fell out of her chair laughing, totally ignoring Pac-Man's somber expression.

"I lost my parents to him in the Pac-World War." He deadpanned, his expression blank.

Jigglypuff stopped laughing, her face filled with less horror than it probably should hold. "Oh... well, now I know."

"It's... It's fine." Pac-Man grinned hollowly. "It was a long time ago. I stopped him."

"So..." Ms. Pac-Man tried changing the subject. "Kirby, I've heard you've been on many adventures yourself."

"Oh, countless times!" Kirby's face lit up at the change of subject. "Nightmare, Meta Knight, King Dedede... Er, scratch that last one. He's not much of a villain anyways."

"Who, King Dedede?" Pac-Man frowned. "Isn't he that jerk that keeps stealing my food at breakfast?"

"Yes."

"He's not a villain?"

"Well," Kirby shrugged, "let me think. Most of the time he's been controlled by someone else, like Yin-Yarn or the Dark Matter... I had two adventures where he actually helped me... And I don't remember the last time he's threatened the universe and all of his inhabitants. He's just tried to steal their food."

"My main antagonists have threatened the universe countless times!" Pac-Man laughed, slamming his fists down on the table over dramatically. "Dedede's a joke!"

"Honey," Ms. Pac-Man tried to interrupt, but she was cut off by Jigglypuff.

"You mean they've only been minions to someone bigger." deadpanned Jigglypuff. "In other words, useless ghosts that Luigi could beat up." Pac-Man immediately shut up, staring back at the pink puffball.

"Hey guys, I got your orders right here." Bart said as he dashed to their table. "One... You guys okay?" He noticed, staring at Pac-Man and Jigglypuff.

"Never been better." said the pink Pokémon, not breaking her gaze from the yellow ball.

"Perfectly fine." agreed Pac-Man.

Bart shrugged, serving the food. "Okay. Gotta go fast!" The waiter was about to dash off, but Kirby grabbed him by the arm.

"Could I have a quick word with you?" He whispered. "Privately?"

"Umm..." Captain Falcon looked at the clock. "If you hurry."

"Great." He pulled him away from the table. When he was confident that they were far enough away from the table, he wailed, "What the heck are you doing?!"

"Excuse me?" Falcon lifted his eyebrow in confusion.

"Last time we argued you were all over us trying to help!" Kirby exclaimed. "What are you doing?"

"My job?" Bart didn't quite understand what Kirby was getting at.

"I thought you were the love expert! The romance guru! Mr. Twenty-Five People!"

"See, I'm still not following you."

"Isn't it— I guess you're not there." Kirby sighed. "Jigglypuff and Pac-Man have been at each other's throats for days now in the Smash Mansion. You see...

* * *

"Oh boy do I smell a cake!"

Pac-Man walked into the kitchen, smelling the fresh aromas that erupted from the kitchen. A perfectly decorated cake sat in the center of the kitchen, resting like a shiny trophy in the center of the granite countertop. Kirby had told him thousands of times that, "Anything left unguarded in the kitchen was free game. That's what Master Hand told me, and I'm sure that means you too."

And boy did that cake smell good.

The cake was well-decorated, but there was no time to appreciate minuscule details as Pac-Man stuffed the whole thing down his throat. The flavor of the cake was absolutely divine! Strawberry cheesecake had nothing on this beauty, and Pac-Man would kill for a strawberry cheesecake. And the roasted pistachio dust on top just—

"Happy birthday Jigglypuff!" The Smashers said, leading the Pokémon into the kitchen. Everyone had worked hard to make this the best birthday possible for their favorite pink Pokémon, and Kirby had spared no expense paying for the ca—

"WHY THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE CAKE?!" Kirby yelled, astonished at the disappearance of the sweet treat. Pac-Man sat on the countertop awkwardly, frosting outlining his lips.

"Heheh... My bad..." said Pac-Man sheepishly.

* * *

"A couple of days ago, Ms. Pac-Man offered a suggestion that we go on a double date so they become better friends, but they've been nonstop arguing ever since we got into the car. At first it started out polite, but now it's escalating quickly. I chose The Falcon House because I knew you could resolve our issues, but— are you even listening to me?"

"I get you, yeah." Bart nodded, absentmindedly staring at the wall over the hero of Popstar.

"Look!" Kirby grabbed the waiter by his oddly familiar scarf and dragged him close till they were face to face. "Please, get over there and help me out! They're arguments are getting more and more aggressive and soon even you will feel the backlash."

"Look kid," Bart pulled himself away from Kirby's grasp, "That's not my job. I cook. I clean. I run a business. That's what I do. If you're looking for a relationship guru, I suggest you look elsewhere. Now excuse me, I have orders to attend to." With that, Bart dashed towards the bar top to grab more plates.

"Argh!" Kirby growled, casting one last glance at the peculiar owner before returning to his seat. Based off of Ms. Pac-Man's bored expression, things had not gotten any better.

"There's no way Kirby's done more than I have!" Pac-Man barked, his eyebrow's scrunched together. "Two-hundred fifty-six levels. Two-hundred fifty-six!"

"That doesn't even count!" retorted Jigglypuff, leaning in closer. "You're comparing the dream world— no, the entire dream universe to a stupid single world!"

"Actually honey, it's not necessarily the—"

"My home world, thank you very much!" replied Pac-Man. Now they were both yelling. "Kirby couldn't even handle the real world if he tried!"

"Guys, it doesn't matter." said Kirby (although that last comment stung a little). "Let's just eat lunch, okay?"

"And quite insulting Kirby!" agreed Ms. Pac-Man, smacking her husband. "He's been quite a generous host to us!"

"Humph!" Pac-Man and Jigglypuff looked displeased, but they didn't say anything else. The table sat in awkward silence as they tore into their lunch. The tension was thick between Jigglypuff and Pac-Man. Both of them refused to look away from each other out of pure spite. Kirby felt uncomfortable. It was Valentines Day, for Pete's sake! They should be talking and laughing and smiling. There was plenty of people that didn't get the opportunity that they did, and here they were, wasting it away.

Ms. Pac-Man leaned in towards Kirby. "Sorry for the mess. I thought a nice lunch would help."

"Yeah, me too..." Kirby agreed, looking at Bart as the waiter dashed around from table to table. The hero of Popstar felt slightly betrayed by the racer in disguise, but he knew that it wasn't technically his job to fix their relationship. He just felt as if Bart could've at least tried. Turning back towards the table, Kirby said, "So everybody... How's the food?"

When no one responded, Ms. Pac-Man took the lead. "Oh, my sandwich is fantastic. The chicken was perfectly seasoned. How's yours Jiggly?"

"I don't know." Jigglypuff growled. "Pac-Man, how's yours?"

"The fish is undercooked." Pac-Man deadpanned.

"Liar!" Jigglypuff grabbed the sandwich from the Namco character and took a bite. "It's fantastic!"

"Jigglypuff!" Kirby jumped in surprise. "What the heck are you doing?!"

"He insulted you, and now he's lying! Taste for yourself!" Jigglypuff handed her boyfriend the sandwich. "I caught this sociopath in the act!"

"Don't you dare call my husband a sociopath!" Ms. Pac-Man ordered. Now she couldn't help but intervene in the argument.

"Jigglypuff, he's right." said Kirby after he had taken a bite. "There's seriously something wrong with this fish."

"Ha!" Pac-Man scoffed back at Pokémon. "You're trying to kill me! How are you going to explain that to the police?!"

"As if you have any proof!"

"Don't test me, you balloon!"

"What did you just call me, jerk?"

"Tart!"

"Son of a Koopa!"

"Shut up and just make out already!" Someone in the back yelled out.

"Hey, is everything all right over here?" asked Bart as he checked on the commotion. "I heard yelling and—"

"Bart!" Jigglypuff barked. "Get us twenty plates of toasted tilapia sandwiches! We're having an eat-off, unless this coward's too afraid!"

"As if!" Pac-Man retorted, rolling up is imaginary sleeves. "You may have the biggest mouth missy, but I got the biggest stomach!"

Bart's eyes got wide as tennis balls when he realized what was happening. "This is the one time I should have opened my big mouth ..."

"Hurry up desk jockey!" Jigglypuff barked as if he was nothing more than a trained hooligan. "Don't make me remind you of your five minute policy!"

Without a second to spare, Falcon took off dashing for the kitchen. Kirby groaned, doing as close to a face palm as his round figure would allow him to do.

"See what happens Bart..."

.o0O0o.

As Bart barged through the kitchen doors, he yelled, "Mr. G! Twenty fish sandwiches stat!" Looking around the room, he couldn't see his trusty cook anywhere. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a slip of paper sticking out of his apron; Falcon quickly snatched it up and read it aloud.

* * *

**Bart,**

**Out to lunch break now the the rush is over. See you later!**

**Mr. G&amp;W**

**P.S. We're out of bread. You might need to stop by Smash Mart.**

* * *

"AH COME ON!" Falcon yelped, crumbling the paper into a ball and tossing it perfectly into the trashcan. Out of desperation, Bart grabbed the keys to the Blue Falcon and dashed out the back door. As he called his car from the Smash Mansion garage, he mumbled to himself, "I really need to change that darn policy..."

.o0O0o.

"Yeah, nothing's new here," Toadette, Smash Mart's cashier, said over the phone. "It's so boring lately, Bombette."

"Don't even get me started." The voice at the other line said. "Goombella is driving me crazy. Did you hear she dumped Goombario?"

"Get out!" Toadette shouted. "They were the most solid couple I knew!"

"She said he wasn't caring enough. Goombario! Are we even talking about the same person?!"

"Man, I wish Toad would take me out every once in a while." Toadette sighed. "He just stays at the castle and guards Peach all day. Nothing ever interesting happens h—"

She screamed as a giant blue racing car came plowing through the front doors. Glass shards flew across the room, luckily hitting nobody. The cockpit open, and a crudely-dressed Captain Falcon jumped out of the car.

"SHOW ME YOUR BREAD!" He yelled. Bart had gotten changed in the car, trying to avoid people discovering his real identity. His helmet was crooked on his head, and both his yellow golashes and gloves were missing, replaced by bare flesh. As he spoke, he buttoned his blue racing jacket and looked directly at the mushroom girl.

Toadette gawped in awe, staring at the giant gaping hole in the front of the building.

"Don't just stand there! Where's the—" Falcon turned behind him to assess the damage. "Right... "I'll pay for that too..."

.o0O0o.

"LOSER!"

"FATSO!"

"YELLOW!"

"PINK!"

Kirby and Ms. Pac-Man looked bored, staring off into space as their significant others argued it out. Lazily, Ms. Pac-Man asked, "Where's the waiter? The five minutes are nearly up..."

"FALCON THROW!" A loud voice could be heard from the back kitchen (although no one payed attention to it). Twenty plates came flying out of the bar top, sliding perfectly in front of the two angry balls. While Kirby admired Bart's incredible accuracy, Jigglypuff and Pac-Man immediately dug in, barely even taking a second to breath.

"Done!" Pac-Man and Jigglypuff said as they finished their places in a matter of seconds.

"I could go for some more!" Jigglypuff scowled.

"Me too!" Pac-Man agreed.

"Guys!" Kirby yelled out, "This is a coffee house, not an all-you-can-eat-buffet! Please, you're—"

"SHUT UP!" They said unanimously. "BART! MORE FOOD!"

.o0O0o.

Bart was getting that feverish work out that he always craved, although it wasn't what he had expected it to be like. Jigglypuff and Pac-Man were eating the food faster than he could cook, and without Mr. Game and Watch's help it seemed that managing the front desk, cooking, and cleaning was all but impossible. He had barely managed to slip off his racing clothing in between all of the frantic work. Finally, after fifteen minutes, Bart had had enough.

"Where's the food?!" Pac-Man demanded as Bart came marching over to the table.

"You're slacking, desk jockey!" taunted Jigglypuff.

Bart looked over at Kirby, who only gave an encouraging nod and a smile. Falcon grinned his big stupid grin, knowing full well what to do.

"_HEY!_" He yelled, slamming his fists down on the table. "_LISTEN!_" The room fell silent, the only sound the ticking clock on the wall.

"You!" He pointed directly at Pac-Man. "You've got some nerves! They say your carefree and happy, but look what happens when your too carefree: you ruin someone's birthday. That's right, Kirby told me all about that." He gave a nod to the pink puffball. "Be more considerate about others. Think before you act! Don't just assume everyone's going to be fine if you do something. Ask! Also," he quickly added, "stop eating the yogurt on the third shelf of the fridge. That's not for you!"

"How does he know about—"

"You!" He said as he turned towards Jigglypuff. "Little lady, I thought I lectured you enough! Stop being rude to people! Everyone screws up! Everybody! That doesn't mean that you should haunt them forever about it! Forgive and forget!"

"Says you..." She grumbled, although from the look on her face Bart could tell that she knew he was right.

"I may not practice what I preach," proclaimed Bart, "and I may not be the best man that ever lived. Heck, I've been in twenty-five relationships. Twenty-five. Not one of them lasted longer than yours has. Just look." He gestured towards Ms. Pac-Man and Kirby, "These two loved you so much they were willing to sit with you guys in a public coffee house and bare through your arguments. That's love. You're lucky. Don't be like me." With that, Bart left to get a drink of water after his long soliloquy.

"Ah shucks..." Pac-Man scratched the back of his head. "Now I feel awful for putting you guys through that. Sorry Pepper."

"It's fine." Ms. Pac-Man smiled. "That strange waiter's right: I do love you. Nothing would ever change that sweety. Sure, you do some stupid things, but that doesn't mean you aren't a person. Everyone screws up every once in a while."

"I'm sorry too," Jigglypuff said with a sigh. "I shouldn't kept bugging you about the cake. You already apologized tenfold and I shouldn't have been so rude about it."

"I apologize too." sighed Pac-Man. "Man, that waiter's good. I am careless sometimes. I should have checked before I acted so rashly. But that was no reason to call you names like tart or balloon."

"Hey, at least there's a couple more hours left of Valentine's Day!" Kirby smiled. "How about we go mini-golfing, huh?"

"Great idea!" Pac-Man smiled, giving his signature thumbs up. But then his face got dark.

"Hey, who's paying for all this food we just ate?"

* * *

**I hoped you enjoyed it. I feel kinda bad for uploading this before Valentines Day, but that's life for ya. I'm really considering continuing this story, so let me know what you think. If you think that's good, leave a review. If you think that's the stupidest thing you've ever heard, I have a story poll on my page you should check out. Because yes. **

**Have a nice Valentines Day everybody! **


	3. Chapter 3: Enter Mr Game and Watch

**Since I botched up the earlier Falcon House chapter by posting it prematurely, I thought it would be nice to publish another quickie (quick-y? Quick-e?). This is not in the same style as my other chapters. Why, you don't ask? Because this is dedicated to us single guys out there who are alone on Lupercalia— er, Valentines Day.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. I promise not to post such serious things in this little collection often.**

* * *

Chapter 3: Enter Mr. Game and Watch

* * *

As Mr. Game and Watch closed up The Falcon House for the night, he couldn't help but let out a sigh. Another long Valentines Day, another day without anyone to care about him. It was a cool night, the wind gently brushing up on his skin. The faint glow of the moon illuminated his path as he started home bound, the occasional streetlight brightly shining on the concrete pavement. For fun, the Flatlander made a hat out of the infinite Shadow Bugs that courses through his veins and put it on his head. He stopped by a window to look at himself. It was a nice little fedora, he remarked. It complimented his attitude at the current moment.

As Mr. Game and Watch strolled down Smash Street, he saw the Melee Mansion sticking out in the center Smash Park. The manor stood in the center of Smash City. Old and decaying, it looked ominous at this time of night. The dark unrecognizable paint was peeling off the house, trying in vain to escape the monstrosity of the shack. The holes in the roof revealed the rotten oak wood beams that hid behind it, supporting what little of the canopy remained. Planks of grey old wood stuck out of the house like sticks in a pile: jagged and broken and dangerous. Dark trees loomed around it, as if they were reaching hands, trying to grasp anything that passed by.

That's not how Mr. Game and Watch remembered it.

Pausing for a second, a bit unsure of what he was about to do, Mr. Game and Watch entered Smash Park. It was quiet, minus the sound of crickets here and there. The stone path had become a bit uneven, but Mr. Game and Watch didn't feel the unusual rocky texture as he started up the path. It had been many years since the Flatlander had even thought about coming up to visit his old home. When Master Hand had decided to expand Smash Mansion for Brawl, the hill which Melee Mansion resided on was deemed "too unstable" to expand upon. Trying to compromise, the Hand of Creation created a new Smash Mansion on top of Smash Cliff ("People sure like naming things Smash around here," Mr. Game and Watch joked out loud), the same place they had defeated Tabuu.

But it didn't feel the same. It didn't feel like home.

Many people forgot about Mr. Game and Watch, too many in his opinion. He had been the first stepping stone in the dawn of time when the Nintendo universe had just started, and from there the universe had expanded. Mario, Link, Kirby, Pikachu... All products of Master Hand and Mr. Game and Watch. But for who? But for what? No one recalled what he had done. No one cared to remember his birthday, or his favorite color. Just a occasional, "Hey there Mr. G!" in between matches.

ROB, Mr. Game and Watch, Mega Man, and Pac-Man always sat together at their little table in the Smash Cafeteria. Many had joked about how they were the "Old-Schoolers," but when it was true there was nothing to be ashamed of. ROB was the monotonic robot who merely enjoyed the company of his friends (after Tabuu had annihilated his race). Mega Man was the classic example of heroism, bravery, and determination, but in reality was shy of other people (regardless how much publicity he had, he felt extremely uncomfortable in one-on-one conversations). Pac-Man was the lucky carefree Namco Character that Mr. Game and Watch had grew up with back in 1980, and he was a friend who came in the time of need.

And there was him. The nothing-special, curious Flatlander who had a knack for puns. What you saw was what you got.

Even though he hanged out with robots, Mr. Game and Watch had feelings. Sure, he couldn't discern right from wrong, but he could feel. He had emotions just like anyone around him, but they were often ignored. There was nothing that annoyed him more when he was drowned out of a conversation, especially when he was speaking first. Maybe it was that his voice was soft, maybe it was because people just expected him to crack a pun instead of having a reasonable point; Mr. Game and Watch didn't know. Sometimes he felt as if he wasn't there nothing would change. Sometimes he felt like he was the one wearing the mask instead of Meta Knight or Samus. He had to get up everyday, put on the smiling mask, go downstairs, crack some puns and fight, work at The Falcon House for a couple of hours, come back home, and take it off.

No one cared for the Flatlander.

Well, that wasn't fair. ROB was always an open ear to talk to, when he was depressed. But was he really listening? ROB couldn't feel emotions like happiness or sadness or anger, no matter how much he tried to emulate it. Did he understand the pain in life everyone else suffered? Did he feel the loss of companionship as he patrolled the halls at night or reflect in silence for his lost people? Mr. Game and Watch found it a question he couldn't answer.

Mr. Game and Watch climbed the last steps of the long winding path up to Melee Mansion. Near the front door, there was a small pond. The old Grand Star Fountain used to work, but years of neglect and carelessness caused it to mold and clog up. The koi pond, although lacking of its namesake fish, still flowed with water, lying gently still in the pale moonlight. Lily pads and an assortment of lotus lay quietly in the pond. The pond, although aged, didn't look a day older than when he had last saw it.

He smiled, recalling how he was the caretaker of the little paradise. Everyday after matches, he would take hold of his cleaning supplies, put on his diver's helmet, and get right in there. He would make sure that their pond was in tip-top shape for any visitors that came over. After he was done and had taken a nice long hot shower, he would smile and sit on a wooden bench Diddy Kong had carved the first time he visited the Mansion and just enjoy the smooth lapping waves from a distance. It was tranquility, in his opinion. Nothing felt better than to watch the lapping waters of the koi pond whether he was happy or sad.

He broke his silent reflection to smile. The same old inviting bench was resting in the same place it usually did. As he took a seat, he closed his eyes and listened to the blowing wind.

"Mr. G?" A voice behind him said. Mr. Game and Watch turned his 2-D head and saw Captain Falcon climbing the steps towards the Mansion. "What are you doing here?"

"Ditto." He responded, just as surprised to see a face at the mansion as the captain was. "I didn't expect anyone to be up here at this time of night."

"Me either." The captain admitted. Hesitantly, he asked, "Mind if I join you?"

"Help yourself." In reality, Mr. Game and Watch felt a mixture of apprehension and anger towards the bounty hunter's sudden appearance. No one irritated the Flatlander more than the smug, arrogant, and egotistical Captain Falcon. Everyday he would parade around the mansion, displaying how great he was and that everyone was inferior beneath him. "FALCON PUNCH!" or "FALCON KICK!" The man was so vein that he couldn't even do a move without saying his own name. But Mr. Game and Watch was a pleaser, so he allowed him to take a seat on the old bench.

"Thanks." Falcon said, flopping on the bench. "I needed that. You wouldn't believe the kind of day I've had."

_I think I can, _Mr. Game and Watch thought, but didn't say aloud._ You were probably out galavanting around for women or racing around the streets at high speeds like Wario at a Garlic Festival._

"I loved this old place." Falcon suddenly bursted. "Melee was something, eh?" He lightly shoved the annoyed Flatlander. "You join Smash then, if I recall. The ladies, the stages, the food you cooked! And of course, I won the tournament!" He smiled smugly. Mr. Game and Watch rolled his eyes, hidden by his dark face.

But then he added, "But that's not really why." Mr. Game and Watch frowned at his sudden change of mood. "Back then, I... I was creditable. Back then, I didn't have to be... Captain Falcon. I was a serious character, minus my goofy moveset of course. I bet you didn't even know I own an archipelago or that I'm— if I say so myself— I'm a hero!" He laughed, rubbing his face. "But that's all behind me now. 'I'm Captain Falcon, serving justice with my knee. _FALCON PUNCH!_' and crap like that. I used to be the hero of Mute City. When's the last time I did something? When was the last time I did something right?"

Mr. Game and Watch looked shocked as the captain leaned forward and put his head in his hands. The Flatlander patted the bounty hunter on his back, unsure of what else to do.

After a minute, he said, "But hey, that's the life I live now." Falcon smiled his smug grin and looked at the Flatlander. "I used to be shy, you know. I barely even said a word when I won the Grand Prix. I just dashed on home. Now, I'm larger than life. Now I'm a hero in another word. Sometimes I think to myself 'They only like me because I'm funny.' But then I think, 'Falcon, they like you because of who you are.' If everybody was like me, then the world would be a perfect place, right? Hahaha!" Falcon bursted out into a jolly laugh that made the Flatlander smile.

"Sorry if I talked you ear off buddy." Falcon patted Mr. Game and Watch roughly on his back. "Just something that's been bugging me. Let's just enjoy this beautiful night, eh?"

Both of them sat in silence as the night progressed onwards; they never even thought to utter another word. When it was finally midnight, Falcon offered the Flatlander a ride back to the Mansion. He gladly accepted.

Mr. Game and Watch still felt alone, there was no doubt.

But being alone is better with a friend.

* * *

**_Guest Review Response Corner_**

**Guest #1: Thanks so much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it! The original one-shot was actually supposed to involve all four of them, but after much debate, I slimmed it down to two because like you said, four round spheres is hard to keep up with for poor old Falcon (after the first chapter, however, _NO REMORSE!). _After much debate, I'm going to continue this series of one-shots, so I hope you stick around for the ride! Again, thanks for taking time to review, and have a nice Valentines Day!**


	4. Chapter 4: Robin Spices Things Up

**Huh, I slept so much that I must have written this chapter through osmosis...**

**Smash King24 brought up an excellent point in his review, and actually guess the next chapter before I had written it.**

**Yes, they do need help.**

**Also, those who recall in a distant memory my story _The Paper Snowflake_ remember me mentioning this character as a police officer, which wasn't how I meant to portay him to be. Someone (ihateslash604) had asked about that, and I never responded to their question. So as you can see, my guilt bled into this story. Hopefully, you enjoy this chapter because I had a blast writing it.**

**(Say this next part in the announcers voice)**

* * *

Chapter Four: Robin Spices Things Up!

* * *

"Yes Chief?"

Lead Forensic Scientist of the Smash City Police Department (SCPD) Robin entered through the small doorway of Police Chief Leed's office. It was an unorganized mess in there; stacks of unsorted papers and miscellaneous paper coffee cups lay scattered across the carpet floor and wooden desk. Chief Leed wasn't known for being organized, as evident by his crazy curly hair and his peach fuzz mustache that wiggled about as he talked. But Leed was a firm leader, demanding a no nonsense environment around the office space. Everything was done strictly and according to the book, just like Robin liked it. However, on this certain occasion his boss eyed him with a gentle but sincere look that caught the tactician off guard. Robin took a seat in front of his boss, unsure of what to expect.

"Robin, you're a good kid." Leed began, "And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I hate beating around the bush as well. The SCPD is letting you go."

"What?" Robin gasped, nearly falling out of his seat. "But... I'm your lead forensic—"

"Yeah yeah, I know kid." Leed grabbed a random cup of coffee on his desk and sniffed it cautiously. When he had determined it was safe to drink, he drained it in a matter of seconds. "But your Smasher duties are interfering with your police work, and I can't have you coming in on your free time. We need hands that are readily available, not vigilantes that work on their own schedule." Leed sighed as he finished the cup. "And unfortunately, I can't do anything about it."

"But... But!" Robin protested, trying to find something to say.

"Sorry kid, but that's not my call to make. I argued to keep you here. Told the commissioner you're the best one we got. But the word is law, my friend. And we enforce the law. If you want your job back, take it up with the commissioner or quit Smash. Your choice, and I think we both know which one you'll choose."

"I could be a consultant! Maybe just work part time!" Robin suggested, trying desperately to keep the job that he loved.

"Kid, there's nothing more I can say." Here was the firm Leed he knew. "Get going before I have to kick you out. Now if you excuse me," he eyed the coffee pot in the other room with a look of longing, "I have important... business to attend to."

Robin couldn't even utter a word as Leed left the office.

* * *

"Great. Now what?" Robin grumbled as he walked down the desolate Smash Street with a box in his hands. Rays of light dimly sparkled off of the glass panes of the tall skyscrapers and apartment complexes that dotted the city. The faintest taste of salt hit Robin's tongue from the western winds that gently caressed the metropolis. For the most part, the streets were desolate, minus a couple of busy Waddle Dees or Miis or Koopas. Robin cherished the fact no one got to see his walk of shame from the station to the Smash Mansion, which resided on Smash Cliff across the city.

Robin had been a forensic scientist for about ten years in Smash City, helping some of the department's most interesting cases, and he absolutely loved every second of it. Of course, when the tactician got the letter to join Smash, he couldn't believe his eyes. He had hoped to keep concurrent jobs, but now that looked highly unlikely. "How the heck am I supposed to get money now?" He asked himself somberly. "Master Hand pays nothing but room and board, Robyn's birthday is coming soon, and I'm broke. What am I supposed to do now?"

Then, a lightbulb above his head turned on.

Literally.

All of a sudden, the rays of a billion suns hit Robin in the eyes. The tactician quickly raised his arms to shield his eyes, but in his haste forgot he was holding his box. Hitting himself square in the chin, Robin doubled over in surprise. The box spilled everywhere, revealing the contents of his former desk. A angry snarl was heard above him, followed by a few unnecessary words. Finally, the lights turned back off.

"What the heck does this even say?" Bart Lemming, AKA the impeccable Captain Falcon grumbled as he stared at an instruction booklet. He was near the top of his modest restaurant, The Falcon House, working on some electrical wiring. From what Robin could see, the racer was working on plugging in a new red neon sign for the coffee shop that read "The Falcon House." Bart was precariously perched on a ladder, holding a numerous amount of extension cords in one hand and a booklet in the other.

"Is this even English?" growled Bart, squinting his eyes. "This might as well be written in Japanese or something!"

"Falcon?" said Robin, looking at his fellow Smasher. Out of all the Smashers he had expected to be waltzing around the city, the bounty hunter was certainly the last person he would expect. That or Ganondorf.

"Wha—" Bart jerked around suddenly, causing the ladder to rock. With remarkable speed and agility, Falcon grabbed on to the ledge of the roof as the ladder came crashing down. "Who's— Who's there?"

"It's me, Robin." The tactician replied, getting up and rushing over underneath the bounty hunter. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm... I don't know who this Falcon guy is!" said Bart in a panicked tone. "Just get me down from here!"

"Really?" Robin frowned, crossing his arms. "You take off your jumpsuit and just expect that I won't realize that your the Captain?"

"Are you getting the ladder or not?" Falcon grumbled, angry that someone finally caught him.

"One sec," Robin looked over at the metal ladder, which now lay on it's side in the street. "Just give me a second before you drop."

"Drop?"

"Wait, no—"

Falcon let go of the ledge prematurely, squashing the poor tactician. Smiling, he said, "Thanks buddy. Although I have to say, the ladders a little bit squishier than I remembered." Looking down, he saw his fellow Smasher lying face down on the pavement. "Huh, usually my car does this for me."

"Get off me, you great lump!" Robin complained, gasping for air. As Bart stepped off of the tactician, the mage started wheezing. "You're so heavy! How do you move so fast?!"

"I live a strenuous life!" Bart smiled, extending a hand to the tactician. As Robin got up, Falcon added, "What the heck are you doing up this early in the morning?"

Now that he was on his feet, the mage finally got a good look at Bart. The racer was dressed in surprisingly casual clothing. He was sporting a leather jacket over a dark navy undershirt with light blue jeans and brown loafers. His infamous yellow scarf lay covering his neck. His face was rough; his brown hair hiding a barely visible scar above his left eye. Most notably was his belt buckle, which had a picture of a falcon with its wings outstretched engraved into it. "Work business." replied Robin casually. "What are you doing Falcon?"

"Don't call me that!" Bart said, covering Robin's mouth and glancing around suspiciously. "No one can know my secret identity, ya hear?"

"But how could they not notice?" Robin's muffled voice asked. "Your scarf, The Falcon House, that Falcon belt buckle, heck, even your motto 'We serve Falcon Fast!'"

"Shut up! It was the best thing I could think of to replace my 'five minutes or less' thing!" Bart barked, dropping his hand. "You listen here: you tell no one, and I repeat no one who I am, okay? Promise me!"

"Sheesh, calm down man!" said Robin. "Your secrets safe with me."

"Good." Bart eyes the tactician suspiciously. "Here's the plan: I'm going to hang up this sign and you're going to walk the other direction and we'll pretend this never happened. Good? Great." With that, Falcon grabbed the ladder and propped it back up against the house. Grumbling, he looked at the instruction manual clenched firmly in his hand and started mumbling to himself.

"If you want to, I could help you out." Robin offered.

Bart waved his hand in protest. "You're not walking away like we agreed to."

"Give give me a second." Robin started climbing the ladder. Grabbing the extension cords, he started messing around with them.

"Hey, that's my property you're messing with!" Bart barked, looking at the tactician. "You better not—"

"Done!" Robin smiled as the sign turned on at a bright yet subtle light. Falcon stared dumbfounded, scratching his head.

"Huh, what do you know..." He frowned, staring fondly at his new sign.

"It was simple once I got up there." Robin explained as he got off the ladder. "You were just—"

"Yeah, yeah, I was doing something wrong, shut up and leave already. Business starts in twenty-five minutes."

"A thank you is usually preferred." Robin retorted.

"I'll thank you once you find me a cook." Falcon grunted, patting a help wanted sign on his window. "Three weeks I've been looking for another hand and three weeks I've been let down. You try and find me someone and heck, I'll give you a hug."

"It looks like Naga had all the stars aligned for today..." Robin whispered underneath his breath. Louder, he said, "I'll take that hug now."

"Excuse me?"

"You're looking at your new chef!" Robin proclaimed. When Bart looked unconvinced, he added, "I've been reading a lot of cooking books lately, not to mention I have a Minor in Culinary Arts."

"Who the heck takes a Minor in Culinary Arts?" Bart mumbled under his breath.

Unfortunately, the Ylissen heard his smug comment. "I'll have you know that Ylisse has a fine history of culinary skills, thank you very much!" Robin retorted. "In fact, my great-grandfather was a premier chef renown across the continent for his Asian fusion dishes!"

"They had Asian fusion dishes back then?" The bounty hunter mumbled to himself, even more confused.

"The point is I can help you now that I have the free time." Robin offered, extending his hand. "How about it?"

Falcon stared at him suspiciously. "You'll start at minimum wage."

"Fine by me."

"You'll start out working small."

"Cool."

"No breaks until major holidays."

"It's your establishment, not mine."

"Are you up to date with the heath regulations?"

"I can brush up... from last night."

"Are you fine working with 2-D characters?"

"Mr. Game and Watch? Of course."

"Who's hotter, Lucina or Samus?"

"...What?"

"Hmm..." Falcon stared him down for a long time. Finally, he shook his hand. "You've got a job. Come on in."

* * *

Robin entered the empty coffee house and was immediately mesmerized by the sight. The restaurant was nearly covered in red carpet with a intricate swirling pattern. The huge glass windows in the front of the coffee house let in the golden morning light on the metallic tables. Booths filled in the wall space towards the back while tall metal tables and chairs floated freely in the center. On the right side of the room, the flooring was completely brown stone. Towards the bathrooms, a stage sat idle with a single microphone sitting in the center. Four couches, two yellow and two green, surround a square dark wood coffee table towards the front corner of the establishment. Bart casually whistled as he walked towards the countertop that stood against the back wall with a small bar top overhead.

"So where do I start?" Robin asked enthusiastically, clapping his hands together. "Do you want me to go cook up some chips or something?"

"Nah," Falcon reached under his desk. "I have something better in mind."

"What's tha—" Robin flinched as the racer threw a bucket and a mop at him. "A fair warning would be nice!"

"Use the faucet out back." Falcon said, grabbing both his chair and a copy of Smash Weekly. Plopping down, he opened the magazine and started reading it. "I want this floor shinier than Pac-Man's forehead by the time you're done with it. After that, vacuum the carpet."

"I thought you said you were starting me small!" complained Robin. "Also, you keep a mop under your desk?"

Without looking up, he said, "One: I am starting you out small. Only Mr. Game and Watch and I do the cooking around here till I say so, got it? Two: yes, yes I do."

Robin felt angry, but he didn't say anything more. Grabbing the cleaning supplies, he walked out the door without another word. A few seconds after he had left, Mr. Game and Watch came in with a box in his hands.

"Hey, look what I found!" The Flatlander smiled, placing the box on a table. "Someone left it lying in the street. Can you believe it?"

"That's nice." Bart said, not looking up from the magazine.

"There's like, a police badge, a cell phone, some files, a lot of books, even a bag of pistachios!" Mr. Game and Watch opened the bag and started cracking them. "I love these things!"

"Uhh huh, yeah."

"Ooh, check this baby out!" The Flatlander pulled out the Levin Sword and started shining it on the rays of the sun. "I'm totally going to use this during my next match!"

"Hey, I got the— OH SHOOT THAT'S NOT FOR YOU!" Robin dropped his stuff and came rushing in to grabbed the sword from the Flatlander's hand. "Oh thank Naga you picked my box up for me, Mr. G."

"Robin? What are you doing here?" Mr. Game and Watch asked.

"I'm employed here, Mr. G." Robin smiled, placing the sword back in the box. "Falco— er, I mean, Bart," Without looking away from his magazine, the peculiar owner gave him a thumbs up from the countertop, "has offered me a job here since Chief Leed fired me."

"Haha, Leed!" Mr. Game and Watch smirked. "Like in a lead in a case?" When no one laughed, he sighed. "Right, I'll shut up now."

"Chit-chat later, business starts in ten minutes and I still don't have clean floors or food a-cookin'." Bart snapped his fingers lazily. Robin rolled his eyes as he started mopping the brown stone floor.

"Oh yeah." Falcon smiled from behind his magazine. "I'm going to enjoy this."

* * *

Robin was not enjoying this.

Falcon was perhaps the most arrogant person he had ever met, and that arrogance bled into his job. Robin just wanted to punch that smirk off his face that appeared every time he saw the tactician clean up messes. Robin was angrier than Sonic at a water park, expect he couldn't run away at high speeds like the hedgehog. He desperately needed the money, much to his dismay, so quitting wasn't an option at this point. He had to admit, after the first day Falcon had loosened up on him, but being a busboy was still being a busboy. The mage had specifically remembered being hired to cook, and last time he had checked cleaning the chili stains off of a coffee mug (seriously, how?) wasn't cooking a delicious meal.

It was Friday; it was the third day he had been working for Falcon. Robin was mopping the floors as usual while Falcon read yet another copy Smash Weekly. Mr. Game and Watch was in the back, cooking up something that smelled of bacon. To the tactician, it felt like just another normal day.

But hey, this is Smash. Nothing's ever normal.

_**RING RING!**_

"Hello?" Bart picked up his cell phone and flipped it open. "Who is this?"

"Hey, it's me." At the sound of her voice, Bart immediately ducked behind his counter.

"Oh, hey there Samus..." Falcon winced, looking around to make sure nobody was nearby. "How's it going?"

"I got your mail. Again." She said flatly.

"Oh, cool." Falcon smirked. "Hey, I'm out chasing a bounty, but coul—"

"ROB's been telling me you're slipping it in my Mansion Mailbox every morning."

"What?" Bart puffed, trying to act defensively. "No. How dare he? You know he's probably confusing me with someone else."

"Then how did your mail end up in my mailbox? For like, the seventeenth time this month?"

"Hey, blame this month's Mansion Mailman, not me. It's hard keeping track of everybodys—"

"ROB is this month's mailman, you twit." Bart flinched, forgetting that little detail. "I swear Douglas, when you get back I'm going to shove my arm blaster right up your—"

"Umm..." Bart looked around suspiciously. Quickly, he knocked over his pen cup. "Oh shoot! He's making a run for it! Gotta dash!" With that, he slammed his phone shut and let out a sigh of relief.

"Is everything alright back here?" Robin asked, looking over the counter at the waiter.

"Just dropped my pens, that all!" Bart smiled, gathering them up. With extra force behind his voice, he added, "Aren't you supposed to be cleaning?"

"Aren't I supposed to be cooking?" Robin retorted.

"Last time I checked, no."

Robin bit his tongue before returning to work. The racer stood up and sighed, trying to figure a way out of the Samus situation.

"Okay," Bart said, looking at the clock. "Here's the plan. I have to run to Smash Mart and pick up some chocola— I mean, more bread or something. It's about rush hour as well, so I'm going to have to rely on you, Robin, to serve the orders." Robin's eyes lit up for a second, but then Falcon added, "No cooking! I mean it. While I'm gone, Mr. G is in charge. You do everything he says, got it?"

"Agreed." Robin looked at the racer with a glum expression, much to Bart's delight.

"Great. Now if you excuse me..." The racer dashed out the doors like Sonic at a chili dog festival.

"What did he say?" Mr. Game and Watch walked out of the kitchen doors. "I heard something about a chock?"

"No, not that." Robin sighed. "Bart needs to get more bread."

"We have plenty of bread though." The Flatlander frowned. "Humph. Oh well. I guess I'm serving during rush hour then, right?"

"Well no, actually I—" Another lightbulb appeared over Robin's head, but this time it didn't burn his eyes.

"Why yes, yes you are."

* * *

Robin took a step back into the kitchen, sporting Mr. Game and Watch's 2-D apron (ironically, the apron was only a border outline of an apron, just like in the Flatlander's old game Chef, so it didn't catch much to begin with). The kitchen was bigger inside than it looked, Robin reflected as he washed his hands.

"Hey, first order's up!" Mr. Game and Watch yelled before Robin even had time to put on a hairnet. "Two orders of chicken Caesar salad, hold the tomatoes on both."

"Easy enough." Robin smiled, pulling out the lettuce. "Mr. Game and Watch was cooking the chicken before I got in here, so I—"

"A tilapia sandwich, a hamburger with cheese, ketchup, mustard only, homemade chips, and a chicken avocado sandwich with everything on it ASAP." Mr. Game and Watch barked as he placed the ticket on the ticket tray.

Robin frowned. "Huh. I guess I'll have to work faster. I'll work on the hamburgers first so I—"

"Three orders of mozzarella sticks stat!" Mr. Game and Watch yelled. "Robin, what the heck are you doing? You're behind the schedule!"

"Is this a diner or a coffee house?" Robin gasped, just finishing the first salad.

From the bar top window, he could see Mr. Game and Watch shrug. "Honestly, I have no idea. Sometimes it fluctuates back and forth. I just cook here man."

"Sweet Naga what have I gotten myself into..."

* * *

"Okay, chocolates, chocolates," Bart mumbled to himself as he entered Smash Mart through a very conspicuous hole in the front of the building. "Does Samus even like chocolates? Who cares? When she sees that I got her something sweet like this she'll swoon over me. Ladies eat that crap up, right? Right. And with a bit of luck she'll forget about the whole mail thing, heheh."

"Hello, welcome to Smash Mart," Toadette said, walking up to Falcon. "How may I help you?"

"Do you have any chocolates or something?" asked Bart, looking around. "Like, something leftover from Valentines Day?"

"We have a sale on Mountain Dedede if you're interested." Toadette chimed. "Three cases for ten dollars. It's that rush of the Arctic that gamers love!"

"Umm, no, just the chocolates."

"What about some Donkey Kong bananas? They'll make you OOK for more."

"I just want chocolates, thank you very—"

"Fresh Cucoo eggs? Sweet Star Bits? Or perhaps some Moomoo Milk for a bowl of Mari-Os?"

"Lady, get out of my way." Bart pushed the tiny Toad aside. "I'll find the chocolates my—"

"How about some Falcon Fruit Punch?"

"Is there any discounts for celebrities?" The waiter asked as he came rushing back like a blind puppy.

.o0O0o.

An hour later, Captain Falcon (fully disguised for the discounts) came walking out of Smash Mart with six cases of Mountain Dedede, four boxes of Mari-Os, seven Donkey Kong bunches, three cartons of Moomoo milk, Dr. Mario multivitamins, two frozen containers of Mega Flan, a bag Diddy's Peanuts, and of course, ten juice cartons of Falcon Fruit Punch. Whistling, Falcon opened up the trunk of the Blue Falcon and started loading up his groceries.

"Wait a minute," Bart froze, grabbing the container of Falcon Fruit Punch. "This is copyright infringement! I own the rights to Falcon Punch! And I still didn't get the chocolates!" Throwing the bottle aside, he clenched his fists in rage.

"Oh, that lady's good."

* * *

"Robin?" Mr. Game and Watch walked into the kitchen. "Where are you? You're behind on the orders!" When there was no response, the Flatlander frowned. "Robin?"

"Over here." A weak voice said from underneath a countertop. Confused, Mr. Game and Watch crouched down to see the tactician huddled up in a ball. He looked terrified, rocking back and forth.

"What the heck are you doing down here?" asked Mr. Game and Watch, confused. "We're fifteen minutes behind orders, and people look about ready to leave!"

"Bart was right, Mr. Game and Watch." replied Robin, the terrified look still plastered across his face. "I'm not ready for the kitchen. There's way too much work. I can't do it, I can't!"

"Then why did he send you back here?"

"I lied." Robin admitted. "He told me not to go back here. But I did, didn't I?" He started laughing. "I'm an idiot! A first class idiot!"

The Flatlander shot him a sympathetic look before saying, "Get up, you pansy."

"What?"

"You heard me." Mr. Game and Watch dragged the mage out from underneath the countertop. "Quit being a pansy. You think I didn't have trouble my first day as chef?" The Flatlander started laughing, much to the surprise of the tactician. "We were so behind that Bart worked overtime just to catch up. I was so embarrassed! But you know what he said to me? He looked me in my face and said, 'Stop whining and get it done! If everyone sat around and cried, how the heck would we get things done?' And like that, we dashed back into the fray and fixed it all up. I was astonished what I did when I put my mind to it! So put on your man pants and let's get it done, okay?"

"I—"

"OKAY?!" Mr. Game and Watch jumped up and slapped the tactician. Robin's eyes went wide in surprised, but a second wind of confidence followed suit.

"Yes sir!" He said.

* * *

"How about some Mountain Dedede?" Toadette suggested to Shulk, her most recent victim. "Or maybe some Falcon Fruit Punch?"

"Look ma'am," He said politely, although he did looked tempted. "I'm just here for some Mari-Os, that's all."

"What if I told you we had some specials on Mega Flan?

"Actually, that does sound—"

"FALCON PUNCH!" The racer came flying in the room preparing his signature punch. Making contact, he sent the little mushroom girl flying into the wall, effectively knocking her out.

Smiling, he turned to Shulk. "You're welcome."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HECK WAS THAT?" Shulk cried out. "YOU JUST PUNCHED A GIRL?!"

"But I just saved you a boatload of money." Falcon smirked. "And that didn't even take you fifteen minutes."

"BUT WHAT THE BLOODY HECK _WAS THAT_?!" Shulk repeated as the racer dashed off to find his chocolates.

"Kids these days..." Cranky Kong muttered to Diddy Kong as he watched the scene unfold. "Back in my day, I would've just thrown a barrel at her."

"And probably kidnap her as well." Diddy rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go get your Falco Fiber One bars before Donkey Kong gets home."

"Bah!" Cranky Kong barked, waving his free hand in the air. "Back in my day, you had to be tagged in during multiplayer..."

Diddy rolled his eyes, leading the senile ape away.

* * *

"Hey guys, I'm back." Bart whistled, walking back into The Falcon House. "You wouldn't believe what happened."

"Hey Bart!" Robin said through the bar top window. Falcon froze, shocked at the mages sudden appearance. "You should've seen it. Mr. Game and Watch and I cooked up a storm back here!"

Bart gawped in a mixture of anger and confusion, dropping the chocolates he held in his hand. Luckily, the plastic case protected them as they fell on the carpet. Mr. Game and Watch came walking out with his chef hat on, whistling. Little 2-D musical notes (semi quavers, for those who care) came floating out of his mouth, disappearing every few seconds.

"Oh hey there Bart!" The Flatlander greeted him. "You wouldn't believe the day we've had! There was so many orders, but man, we served some fools—"

"My office." Falcon deadpanned, fully aware the whole restaurant could see him.

Mr. Game and Watch flinched. "But sir—"

"_NOW_!" He yelled, anger erupting from him. Mr. Game and Watch flinched again. As he walked away, he took of his hat and clutched it sadly in his fists. Quickly, Robin got in front of the Flatlander, his arms outstretched.

"Bart, this was all my fault." The tactician admitted. "I screwed up, and—"

"We'll talk later." Bart growled, pushing the mage aside with ease. Robin flinched, watching as the two chefs went into the back room. The door closed firmly behind them.

He didn't see the Flatlander the rest of the day.

* * *

For the remainder of his time, Robin cautiously cleaned the tables and dishes. The peculiar owner had said nothing to Robin after Mr. Game and Watch had mysteriously vanished. If it was some sort of mind game, it was working. Robin felt awful throughout the whole day, not knowing Mr. Game and Watch's fate. He couldn't believe Falcon could've had the heart to fire the Flatlander. Did Bart hate him cooking that badly? But then again, why hire him? Robin didn't understand it at all. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore.

"What more do you want from me?" Robin finally said after Bart closed the place for the night. Angrily, he threw down his mop. "Congratulations, you've proven your point."

"What point?" Bart snorted, walking back to grab his jacket on the countertop. "Nice touch with the mop, by the way."

"I don't know, but there has to be some reason you're putting me through this torture." replied Robin. "Mr. Game and Watch didn't even do anything wrong. I wanted to cook and I screwed up. You shouldn't blame him!"

"And I don't." said Bart calmly, as if the tactician was nothing more than a fly that needed to be swatted.

"Great, blame me, hate me, chastise me! But at least let me do what I was hired to do!" Robin begged.

"I am: you were hired to do the small stuff."

"You said chef. Chef! Did you not see how well we did today?"

"I did. Mr. Game and Watch put in a good word for you."

Robin finally snapped. "You, sir, are the worst boss ever! You're rude to the customers, you're arrogant, you have the biggest ego I've ever seen, and worst of all, I can't even stand your cooking! I don't understand why so many people come back to this dump!"

"It's your job to clean it." Bart smirked, but the tactician could tell it was half-hearted. That gave him the confidence to keep going.

"You are by far the worst man I've ever met, Bart Lemming! I wouldn't be surprised if you never got another woman again, Mr. Twenty Five! I hate you!" With the last words, Robin's voice echoed through the empty restaurant. Bart just stood there, unmoving and expressionless. The tactician started breathing heavily, prepared to defend himself if the bounty hunter physically attacked him. Finally, Bart spoke.

"I hired you to cook." Bart nodded, seriously thinking. "I know that. But you aren't ready yet, Robin."

"What could you possibly be talking about?" The mage gesticulated. "I'm more than—"

"You don't understand." Bart waved his hand, his face covered by the shadows. "You're not mature enough. Robin, this kitchen is a sacred place. Wednesdays through Sundays every week, from eight to six at night, Mr. Game and Watch and I go back inside that kitchen and cook food. You think, 'Hey, add some spices here, fry an egg here, it's easy.' But you're wrong. This establishment isn't about how fancy your college degree is. It matters how much you care."

"I do care!" Robin protested. "I do!"

"Really?" Bart walked over to a table and flipped it over so violently that Robin flinched. "Does this table looked de-gummed to you? Do the bathrooms look as prestige as the day I showed you how to clean them? Does this floor look shiny to you, even though you've been mopping it since who-knows o'clock? I asked you to do these simple things, but did you get them done?"

"Well, I was cooking—"

"Your effort's sloppy kid." Bart deadpanned. "You call me lazy, but I get my work done and have tons of time to spare. You can barely even tie your own shoelaces. Mr. Game and Watch told me how you crawled underneath the countertop. I don't let you cook because you can't handle it yet. I can trust Mr. G to get it done alone, but if I leave you alone for five minutes you'll go crawling back under there. You're not ready for the kitchen until you learn that every little thing matters. Performance. Precision. Presentation. It's much like a car, now that I think about it." Bart laughed at his own joke. "You need to care about what you do, Robin. I see the potential inside of you, but you need to unlock it yourself. Can I trust you to do that?"

Robin looked taken back by Bart's genuine speech. This wasn't the reaction he had expected, but he did consider his point of view. Finally, the tactician said, "Give me the opportunity to prove you wrong, Bart, and I'll show you what I can do, I promise."

"Good." Falcon pointed to the clock. "Are you aware of Falcon Fridays?"

"No..."

"Every month, once a month, we stay open late from seven to midnight and do something special, whether it's date night or listening to bands preform. Today, it's Date Night. I have an hour to set up the room with the most romantic setting possible. And let's face it, I know nothing about romance."

"And...?"

"Mr. Game and Watch has paid leave tonight. I gave it to him."

"And...?"

"Well..." Falcon smiled his huge smug grin. "I need a chef."

Robin smiled back at him. "And I still need that hug."

* * *

**Ahh! Character development! Don't you love the fresh smell in the morning? If you are curious about even _MORE_ character development, I have a poll up on my page about the next chapter. Eh? Eh? **

**Speaking of polls, it looks like the next story is going to be _Seven Struck the Hour_, a mystery humor story! Ooh! I should start working on that soon, just so you can get a taste. The murderer will be solvable, I promise you that! Kinda funny how two of the most important characters are two of the main characters in this story. But _The Falcon House _shall continue undisturbed! Because yes!**

**As usual, reviews are appreciated. They take five minutes out of your day to make someone else's. Good or bad, I'm all ears! (****Also, do you like the new picture for the story?)**

**So till then, work hard, keep you head up, and smile! Have a nice day!**


	5. Chapter 5: Personal Interests

**A/N: Finally. I'm done. Arceus that took forever. I've literally been pack up to my neck in stuff. **

**Also, credit where credit is due (stupid moral compass...): Child at Heart Forever is the one who got me hooked on idea of Robin(M)/Robyn(F) in order to distinguish genders. I'm not sure if she got it from anywhere else, but I do know for sure that I did get that idea from her. So shoutout.**

**While I'm giving out credit, I would be lying if I didn't say Smash King24 got me on the idea of Falcon and Robin (Oh my gosh, that sounds like a superhero duo) as a comedic pair. Check him out if you haven't as well. Help us try to make his story, It Came From Lucina's Head, the most popular horror/slice of lifeness story in the Smash archive. Because yes.**

**Anyways, I'll save my rambling for the end and let you enjoy the latest chapter of The Falcon House already.**

* * *

Chapter Five: Date Night

* * *

"An hour! A freaking hour in and nothing!"

Bart paced angrily around The Falcon House, occasionally looking at the clock. It was eight o'clock at night, the usual highlight time for Date Night. By now, people were supposed to be flooding in like a crashing current on a surf break, but so far no one had entered the humble abode. Bart usually loved Date Night Falcon Fridays; it was his favorite event to host. Falcon Fridays had become a tradition back in 2010, when Falcon and Mr. Game and Watch decided to celebrate the year anniversary of defeating Tabuu. It was such a popular event that Bart decreed that they do it every month once a month for both fun and profit. Not like he needed the money though; turning in bounties raked in more dough than Amiibos.

And Amiibos rake in a lot of money.

"Cheer up Falcon." Robin encouraged him from the kitchen. The newest member of the team had become the chef for the night, cooking what smelled to be a fantastic dinner. He was sporting Mr. Game and Watch's apron, which the mage had taken a particular liking to for some odd reason. As he spoke, the tactician was adding a dosage of coconut milk to his red curry. "Someone's bound to stop by soon."

"I know..." Bart hung his head in self-pity. "But usually there's someone here by now."

"Well, at least we've got two more hours to go." Robin said optimistically. "And the place looks lovely!"

It was true. After The Falcon House had closed for the night, Captain Falcon and Robin had spent an hour decorating the room. No more metallic tables lied idle around the coffee house, but real wooden spruce and beautifully etched chairs. Real red silk tablecloths blanketed the tables, barely reflecting the dim light of the ceiling. On each table, Robin had placed two red roses intertwined inside a glass vase, and candlelight flickered back and forth as if a welcoming gesture for all who sought it. The place had really transformed from the casual coffee house, Robin observed. It was just a real shame that no one was attending.

"Nah, this looks to be a bust." Bart shook his head as he adjusted his black suit. The F-Zero racer had refused to tell Robin where he had acquired such garments for both himself and the tactician, and even scarier was that the bounty hunter had managed to get them in his perfect size. "Let's pack up and go home; I'll give you paid leave. I'm tired anyhow."

Robin shrugged. "Okay, if you really want to—"

_RING!_

Bart and Robin looked at the entrance as a small crowd of people came pouring in. In front of the group stood Mr. Game and Watch, proudly standing next to Rosalina. The Flatlander was wearing a black 2-D top hat and an outline of a tie while Rosalina was wearing a spectacular black and gold dress. As they approached, the Flatlander tipped his hat to his boss in respect.

"Mr. G? Rosal— er, mysterious lady? What are you doing here?!" Bart managed to ask as he looked at the crowd behind them, astonished beyond belief.

"Well, Rosalina was asking me about my job," Mr. Game and Watch explained, "when lo and behold, I bring up Date Night out of all things!"

"I have never been on a 'Date Night' before." giggled Rosalina, putting her hand up to her mouth. "So when the Ancient mentioned that you were hosting such an event I begged him to take me!"

Bart assumed by "the Ancient" she meant Mr. Game and Watch. Sometimes the space princess would slip into archaic tongue that confused everybody except the Flatlander. Go figure.

"So while we were talking, Kirby overheard us and practically told the whole Smash Mansion!" Mr. Game and Watch smiled. "A few of us came over to liven the place up. It looks like it could use it, anyways..."

"Well... Wow!" Bart smiled back. "Thanks guys! This means a lot to me! My name's Bart, by the way." He nodded to the princess. "Welcome to The Falcon House! Please, let me show you to your seats."

"I would be delighted!" Rosalina smiled her pretty smile. Soon afterwards, Bart had introduced most everybody to a table, using what Robin called "basic human decency." Mario, Link, Pac-Man... The all-star list went on and on. The whole time Bart couldn't believe that they were even in his restaurant out of all places. Thoughts of dread and happiness clashed inside his head, but mainly Bart was just mirthful that someone cared enough to show up. Falcon placed his hands on his hips proudly as he got on the small stage near the back, smiling bigger than Majora's moon.

"Thank you so much for attending my humble establishment, great Smashers!" said Bart into the microphone. "I am Bart Lemming, owner of this fine coffee house. May I say that I am grateful for your time and your generosity to a humble plebeian such as myself." Bart bowed down dramatically, causing a small wave of applause to ripple inside the restaurant. "I must say, I'd have never expected this kind of turnout! Let me just say thanks to the guys who gave ol' Tabuu a shiner, eh? I appreciate all you do for us in Smash City, and I'm humbled to host this Date Night for you. Falcon Fridays are a tradition ever since we— er, you guys— beat Tabuu, and it's a monthly event that's been going on for about five or six years now. You don't realize how much we need you in the world, and I can't imagine a world without each and everyone of you guys. Again, thanks so much, and I will guarantee you'll have a great evening. Now enjoy!" The Smashers applauded the chef, who only blushed at the attention.

"Man, he must be internally condemning himself right now." joked Robin as he brought Mr. Game and Watch his breadsticks. "I've never heard him so humble. It's kinda unsettling."

"Are you kidding me?" The Flatlander snorted. "For him, it must be like swallowing Planet Zebes. He's never this modest."

"I do admire his tenacity then." Rosalina reflected thoughtfully, gently grabbing a breadstick. "If what you say is true and he is truly so vein, it must take a lot of strength to swallow such pride. That is some rare courage that many in the universe only dream of having."

Robin looked at Bart, who was laughing nervously on stage. Although the racer looked solicitous, he was taking it on the chin, smiling his huge stupid grin. He couldn't lie: once he had gotten to know Falcon he was a pretty cool guy. As the racer returned to his position behind the countertop, Robin joked, "How long have you been preparing that one?"

"Three years ago." admitted Bart, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief he kept in his shirt pocket. "After this place began gaining popularity, I realized the possibility of a large hoard of Smashers walking in. It's a good thing too; that speech has been sitting in my pocket for ages now." He took out a folded sheet of paper from his pocket and tossed it into the metal trashcan underneath the countertop. "Woo, that was nerve-racking. So Rosalina and Mr. G: is that a thing?" He gestured over to the couple.

"No clue." replied Robin. "It doesn't look like it though."

"Well, she's looking good in that dress." Falcon said. "Much better than that white and gold thing she wore at the Smash Banquet."

"Really? I thought it was black and blue." Robin frowned, crossing his arms.

Bart thought about it for a second, and then shrugged. "Who cares, it's an ugly dress anyhow. Anyways, let's get dinner ready. With the amount of time you've had to prepare it, the food should be a five star meal."

"Trust me, it'll blow you away!" Robin promised, smiling. "I've got a rich cheesecake prepared for—"

_RING!_

"Hey!" A voice yelled out from the entrance. "Who's the loser who runs this dump?"

"Dark Pit, don't be so rude." Robyn said, stepping inside from the cold. She was wearing in a elegant red dress that froze every man's heart in the room. Her white hair was neatly combed, flowing downwards like a gentle stream. "Mr. Game and Watch works here."

"So?" Dark Pit scoffed, trying to straighten his black tie. The dark angel was dressed in a fine black suit, a quite unusual change from his usual messy demeanor. As he spoke, he ran a hand through his dark and extremely gelled hair. "I never liked him anyways..."

"Hey!" Mr. Game and Watch barked, who was sitting the closest to the entrance.

"Yeah, shut up." Dark Pit didn't stop playing with his hair until it was back to its normal messy self. "That's better!"

"Oh crap." Captain Falcon quickly ducked underneath the countertop. Robin frowned at the racer, confused.

"What are you doing?" He asked, just staring at his boss.

"I'm—" Bart grabbed the tactician's arm, dragging Robin underneath with him. Quietly, he continued. "I'm hiding."

"From what?" Robin whispered, trying to match the racer's diminished voice.

"I don't know!" Bart admitted. "I do this sometimes when I need to talk to myself."

"You talk to yourself?"

"...Maybe."

"Man, we really need to get you a girlfriend."

"Shut up!" Bart carefully looked over the countertop. "Of course, out of everybody it had to be them."

"I don't know why you're complaining!" said Robin. "That's my sister he's with. Since when have they been going out?"

"..." Bart looked away, much to the tactician's surprise.

"Bart... What was that?"

The peculiar owner grinned sheepishly at his employee while scratching the back of his head. "Heheh, funny story..."

* * *

"Well this could go either way, quite frankly..." Douglas J. Falcon said with a gulp, stopping at the door. He had been preparing for this conversation for almost two days, but he still didn't feel prepared enough. Carefully, he reached up to knock on her door.

_KNOCK KNOCK_

"Who's there?"

"Hey Samus, it's me... Captain Falcon."

The door swung open, and out flew a fully Power Suited Samus. Kicking down the racer, she pointed her arm cannon directly at Falcon's chest and began charging her Charge Shot. The racer looked terrified, holding both of his hands out and dropping his heart shaped box.

"It went the wrong way!" Douglas flinched, closing his eyes and turning away from her.

"Give me one reason I shouldn't shoot you where you stand!" Samus growled, her voice slightly robotic due to the Power Suit.

"I'm on the floor?"

"There goes any regrets."

"Wait, wait!" Captain Falcon grabbed the box that he had dropped and held it straight up. "I'm here to say I'm sorry for putting my mail in your mailbox!"

Samus froze, pausing to think. "So you bought me chocolates." Her face hidden by the green visor that masked it, Falcon felt unsettled by her monotone voice. Finally, he sighed.

"Look, I get it: I shouldn't have done it. But it was the only way I could ever see you outside of matches."

"Don't you think there was a reason for that?" She snarled, poking her arm cannon at his chest.

"Well I'm sorry I don't give up!" Falcon retorted. "Also, could you ease up, lead foot? I can't... breathe..."

Samus sighed before lifting her metal-clad leg off of his chest. The F-Zero racer started wheezing heavily, trying to catch his breath.

"That's... That's better." said Falcon, using the wall as support.

"I'm only doing this because this is so... uncharacteristic of you, nothing else." Samus stated flatly. Turning around, she began walking back in her room.

"Wait!" said Falcon, holding out the plastic box. "You forgot your chocolates!"

"Keep them." deadpanned Samus. With that, she slammed her door firmly shut in the racer's face.

"Huh." The bounty hunter shrugged, standing up straight. "I'm counting that as a win."

* * *

"I'm confused." Robin said after he had finished. "What did that have to do with Dark Pit and Robin?"

"Huh?" said Bart, looking confused for a second. Then his eyes cleared. "Oh who, Dark Pit? Yeah, he's a pretty cool guy. Why do you ask?"

"But what was the point of—"

"Oh yeah, right. That story. Gosh, you're so self-centered sometimes."

"..."

* * *

Captain Falcon and Dark Pit were sitting on the Smash Mansion couch, watching the TV out of pure boredom. Both looked practically dead, staring off into space. The two Smashers had finished their matches for the day, so they had an unfortunate amount of free time on their hands. Yawning, Falcon grabbed the remote and started to flip through the channels.

"Breaking News!" announced Olimar of Smash News, causing the racer to stop on the channel out of pure curiosity. Dark Pit moaned, putting one of the couch's pillows over his face. "In a shocking turn of events, Police Commisoner Clamp Grosky has gone missing. After years of service in Scotland Yard, the SCPD has officially started an investigation into his disappearance. Today, Acting Commisoner Leed announced in a press conference that no stone would be unturned in the investigation."

The television screen quickly changed to what looked to be an earlier recording of Leed. The police chief was fully dressed in his blue police uniform, decorated with multiple medals. He was standing behind a podium with the Smash City Police Department logo on it, and as he spoke his peach fuzz mustache wiggled like a worm.

"Oh my gods, he looks like a potato grew hair." Dark Pit groaned, rolling around on the couch. "Someone shove Mr. Potato Head back into the ground before my eyeballs melt."

"Shhh, I'm trying to listen." Falcon grumbled, slightly interested.

"Clamp Grosky is the finest man I know," said Leed, commanding the stage with his presence and captivating the audience. "And I promise everybody that I will not rest until we find him. Until then, the people of Smash City should feel no drastic change in the police department. I will do my civic duty and help the people of this city just like he would. We shall deliver peace! We shall deliver justice!" The crowd started applauding wildly, cheering Leed's name.

The screen flipped back to Olimar. "Most people know Clamp Grosky from the Misthallery case, in which he helped Professor Hershel Layton with the mysterious Last Specter."

"Well that's sad that he's missing." Alph said surprisingly cheerfully, patting his papers on the news desk. "Almost as sad as my fan base."

"True that, Alph," Olimar laughed in agreement. "True that. Well, that's all for the morning Smash News. Tune in at six to learn what you don't know in the next five minutes could kill you. Thanks for watching."

"Ugh!" Dark Pit groaned. "The news is so boring!"

"Gosh, you complain so much!" Falcon retorted lazily. "Why don't you go bother Robin or something? Just let me watch TV in peace."

"Hey..." Dark Pit smirked. "That's not a bad idea..."

"Of course it's not." responded Falcon, slightly agitated. "I came up with it!"

But by then, Dark Pit had already left the living room.

* * *

"So when I said Robin," Bart smiled sheepishly at the mage, "he may have taken it as Robyn with a 'y', not an 'i'. I noticed that they've been hanging out together a lot recently, but I didn't think that... Well... Heheh..."

"You set my sister up with an egotistical evil angel!" Robin chastised, punching Falcon in the arm. "Are you crazy?!"

"Well, for the record, I meant to send him to annoy you!" Bart defended himself. "And she's not even technically your sister!"

Robin froze at the last sentence. The racer was right: Robyn wasn't actually his sister. Before the tournament had begun, Master Hand had explained to the tactician that Robyn was from a parallel universe in which he was actually born a girl (which totally weirded him out). His "sister" had been added to the roster because of reasons the Hand of Creation wouldn't explain, but Robin found it too strange not to think about her in any other way.

"... Whatever! Either way, she's me from an alternate universe who's in love with a crazy, egotistical, self-centered, mad bad boy!" retorted Robin. Then he froze, a look of pure dread in his eyes. "Oh my Naga, he's another you."

"Crazy, egotistical, self-centered... Hmmm..." Falcon scratched his chin in thought. "Yep, I don't see the connection."

Robin rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's get up before they notice."

The cooking duo carefully peeked over the countertop, eyeing the couple. Dark Pit had already taken a seat at one of the tables in the far corner, uninvited. His feet were kicked up on the tablecloth, and the glass container of roses were knocked over to the side. Robyn was sitting across from him, lightly scolding him, although it didn't look like she was being serious. Carefully, Robin snuck back into the kitchen while Bart casually approached them.

"Hello, welcome to The Falcon House. My name is Bart Lemming, the owner of this establishment." The waiter introduced himself. "Tonight, we will be serving you a phenomenal three course meal. In the meantime, may I offer you some breadsticks?"

"Shove off, waiter." Dark Pit taunted him. "Leave me alone."

"Pittoo!" Robyn chastised him. "Don't be rude!" Turning to their host, she said, "That sounds lovely. Thank you sir."

"Dark Pit. Dark Pit!" replied the clone of Pit. "I thought you said you would stop that!"

"I did." Robyn's eyes started sparkling. "But it's just such a cute nickname: Pittoo."

"Stop that!" He protested, his face fully red.

"Get your feet off the table and we'll talk." Robyn laughed, pushing the angel's feet off the tablecloth. Dark Pit looked away, embarrassed. When Bart didn't leave the table, the angel quickly turned around to snap, "What are you waiting for, waiter! Get the girl some breadsticks!"

Bart looked frustrated, but he didn't say another word as he left for the kitchen. Meanwhile, his loyal chef was finishing the last touches on the Falcon Salad, their appetizer.

"What did they say to you?" Robin asked as Bart entered the kitchen.

"Nothing important; they just wanted breadsticks." Falcon told him, grabbing a basket of the loafed treat.

"Well let me tell you, I got a surprise for that jerk over there." Robin smiled a devilish smile, running into the pantry. Returning to the kitchen, he placed a jar of orange peppers on the metal countertop.

"What's that?" Bart frowned, unsure of when the mage had had the time to put the jar in his pantry.

"It's my own little treat." explained Robin, his expression getting scarier by the minute. "They're called Fire Habanero. Some of the botanists in the Mushroom Kingdom managed to figure out how to crossbreed a Fire Flower with a habanero, and let me tell you, it'll blow your socks off. It's what Master Hand uses in the Superspicy Curry. Unfortunately, they don't sell it tamer than this, but it's still pretty hot. One baby in Pittoo's curry and he'll be crying for mercy."

"No." Bart shook his head. "Personal vendettas aside in my kitchen; that's rule number three. No way are you adding that. Just let me deal with them, okay?"

"Okay..." agreed Robin, putting them to the side. "But I got them just in case you change your mind."

"Trust me, I got this." Bart promised. "This is going to be a normal night, okay? What's the worst that could happen?"

.o0O0o.

"Hey! Loser!"

Bart clenched his fist as the clone of Pit called for the F-Zero racer. The whole night, the dark angel had been taunting him, calling him names and throwing wads of paper at him when Robyn wasn't looking (which was really surprising, since the guests were using cloth napkins and the entrepreneur couldn't find a piece of parchment in sight). The waiter had just finished serving the last of the salad when Dark Pit had called him over, adding to Bart's agitated attitude. Mumbling to himself, the racer in disguise came walking over with a forced smile painted on his face. "How may I help you?" Bart asked through clenched teeth.

"I hate to be rude," said Robyn shyly, "but I found a hair in my salad, and I don't believe it's mine." She pulled out a single piece of white hair, drenched in Falcon Ranch.

"What she's saying is your service is lousy, Bart Smelling!" Dark Pit taunted. The waiter just rolled his eyes at the angel's comment.

"I'm so sorry." said Bart, trying to be genuine. "I'll make sure this never happens again. I'll throw in some free coffee coupons for our mistake. Is there anything else?"

"Yeah," Dark Pit smirked. "Don't screw up the first time."

"Pittoo!" Robyn frowned at her date's outrageous behavior. "Stop being such a jerk!"

"Sorry..." The dark angel scratched his arm. "I'm just defending you."

"I'm very capable of defending myself, and I don't have to be a jerk about it." said Robyn. "Trust me, manners can go a long way."

"The power of flight can go a long way if you steal it!" Dark Pit retorted. "Come on? You're going to let Smelling get away with this?"

"Everybody makes mistakes." said Robyn calmly, although she was looking a bit irritated. "Don't worry about it, okay?" Turning to Bart, she smiled a hallow smile. "That'll be just fine, sir. Thank you."

"Anything for you, m'lady." Bart nodded, taking up her plate and walking back to the kitchen. Robin was putting the finishing touches on his curry, adding a few garnishes here and there. When the captain came back inside, he immediately stood up straight. "How did it go?" The tactician asked. "Oh, I'll save us the pleasantries: of course it went badly. Don't worry, this curry's going to knock his socks off."

"I already said no to the peppers, Robin!" Falcon grumbled, throwing away the salad before washing his hands. "Anyways, it looks like they're having some relationship issues. I think I might say a few words to them, ya know, for old times sake."

"What are you talking about?" Robin's eyes lit up with rage. "What you should do is ask yourself this: is there any way we can abuse that?"

"Goodness gratuitous, Robin!" The F-Zero hero frowned at the tactician's strange behavior. "You're becoming obsessed with destroying their relationship. It's a little creepy, man!"

"Come on!" Robin gesticulated. "That man's only goal is to hurt my sister and have fun with it along the way. He has no concern about others. Zero! You heard him: he stole the powers of flight for Pete's sake!"

"Were you eavesdropping on us?" asked Falcon, now completely shocked.

"Let's face it, Dark Pit's only here to hurt her, and that's the last thing I want!" demanded Robin, his face starting to become scrunched and enraged. "You have to do something!"

The racer slammed his foot against the ground, echoing throughout the small kitchen. "I don't have to do anything." Bart told him. "They're in a relationship, their having a bit of trouble, and I help people in need. You think I don a mask just to galavant for fame and fortune? You'd be wrong. I do it to help people, just like I am now. Now excuse me, I have to finish the salad you screwed up." With that, Bart grabbed a head of lettuce and started ferociously tearing away at the vegetable. They didn't speak another word as the entrepreneur finished the salad. But that didn't mean Falcon didn't notice the burning look Robin was giving him as he left the kitchen.

* * *

"How's the food?" Bart asked, stopping by Kirby and Jigglypuff's table. After the first "incident," the couple had become regulars at the coffee house, so Bart had become familiar with their preferred dishes and drinks (Kirby was especially fond of the Falcon House Brew, Bart's personal favorite coffee as well). Instead of Falcon Salad, the couple was helping themselves to some fried mushrooms, gouging away like a hoard of hungry Chain Chomps. The couple barely had enough time to breathe through all of the food they were devouring.

"Great! Nom nom nom..." Kirby managed to say in between bites. "Never been... Nom nom nom... better!"

"More!" Jigglypuff demanded, finishing her basket and starting on her fifteenth. Bart half-smiled, happy that they were enjoying themselves.

"I have the curry prepared for you guys when you're done." The waiter smiled. "Robin calls it panang. Apparently it's some sort of Thai dish that his great-grandfather used to make. Whatever it is, it smells delicious, so tell me when you're ready for the main course."

"Can't stop... Must... Nom nom nom... eat more mushrooms!" Kirby demanded, sucking up the ranch that came with it. Falcon looked at Mario, who only shook his head. The plumber had a smirk on his face, and his eyes twinkled in jest.

"And I thought I-a was obsessed with-a the mushrooms..." He joked, taking a bite of his panang. Peach giggled, watching the two spherical Smashers abolish their plates.

"Hey, Bart?" Someone called from the other end of the room. Frowning, the waiter turned around in search of the caller. In their corner, Robyn shyly waved her hand, beckoning him quickly. The racer walked over to their table, unsure of what to expect.

"Excuse me, but I think there's something wrong with Pittoo's curry." She nodded towards her date, whose face was pure red. The dark angel was sweating bullets, his hands shaking

"It's Dark Pit..." He said feebly, adjusting the collar of his suit. "Dark Pit." Without hesitation, he grabbed Robyn's cup of water and began sucking it down without a breath in between gulps.

Bart shrugged. "Panang is known for being spicy. I don't understand the issue."

Robyn shook her head. "No, that's not the problem. The problem is—"

Just as she said that, Dark Pit yawned, sending a ball of fire flying towards the table. It hit the pair of roses that were knocked aside, setting them aflame. Quickly, Bart grabbed the remainder of Robyn's ice and dumped it on the table in a feeble attempt to put it out. Luckily for the racer, the flames stopped in their tracks, the roses burnt to a crisp.

"Robin... Those dang peppers..." Bart growled, clenching his fist together. Quickly, he grabbed the sugar container on the table, unscrewed the lid as fast as possible, and began to spoon feeding the angel.

"Sugar is a counter to heat," Bart explained to the amazed Robyn. "This isn't a cure; it's only distracts your taste buds for a little bit. Let me get my milk from the coffee bar and I'll be right back." With that, he dashed off again.

"I'm going... To kill that man!" Dark Pit declared between bites of sugar.

"Calm down!" said Robyn. "He's helping you, isn't he?"

"He did this... On purpose! I know it!"

"You don't have any proof. Look, thank him when he comes back, okay?" The couple got quiet as the racer came dashing back with a glass of cool milk in hand, sliding it towards the angel. Dark Pit stared suspiciously at it before gulping it down as if it was ambrosia. After he had finished, he slammed it on the table and glared at the waiter with a look of pure hatred.

"Look here, waiter." He said with all the hatred he could muster. "Why don't you crawl back into the hole where you got that ugly thing and leave me in peace, okay? I'm sick of your sucky service, your spicy food, and your cheerful attitude. Run back home, Scarface!"

Bart froze, phased at the angel's comment. He touched the scar over his left eye out of habit, remembering the pain it brought him. After many years of working, no one had even mentioned the wound that kept him up late at night. Bart had forgotten about the nightmares and how it changed his life forever, and he had been quite happy to forget about that dark aspect of his life.

Until now.

Bart clenched his fists in pure rage, slamming them so hard and so fast on the table that they nearly ignited into flames. The table shook, startling both of his guests. Falcon could've sworn that he heard the table crack underneath him, but he was too enraged to care. The room fell silent, staring at the chef out of curiosity and fear.

Dark Pit stared at the racer wide eyed and terrified. Quickly, he grabbed Robyn's hand, clenching it tightly. She looked just as shocked as him, squeezing his hand back. Bart was about ready to explode and clobber the clone of Pit, but sheer willpower kept him sane.

"Understand me, Dark Pit." Falcon growled, pointing his index finger directly in his face. "If you ever, _**ever**_, say anything about my scar again, I will_ end you_. Do you understand?" When Dark Pit said nothing, he yelled, "_**Answer me boy!**_"

"Y-Yes, sir!" Dark Pit whimpered.

"Good. Excuse me." With that, Bart grabbed the bag of sugar and left to the kitchen. As he walked by his metallic trashcan, he punched it with his free hand, sending its contents all over the floor. No one took the time to marvel the fist shape indenture he imprinted on it.

"Heheh... Well that's awkward." Mr. Game and Watch scratched the back of his head as he addressed the confused crowd, "Bart's kinda eccentric sometimes. He's fine, I'm sure. One-hundred percent. I think..."

* * *

As Falcon came barging through the kitchen door, Robin quickly fumbled his container of blueberries, spilling it all over his cheesecake. The mage tried ducking, but Bart was quicker. The racer grabbed Robin by his neck and pushed him against the wall.

"What did I tell you?!" Bart spat at the terrified tactician. "What did I tell you?!"

"He was being a jerk!" Robin defended himself. "A complete and total jerk!"

"I don't care! You don't do that to people, especially behind my back! You're fired, you hear me? Fired!" Bart pulled back his other fist, prepared to smash his employee's face without any regrets. But before he could do anything, a familiar voice spoke behind him.

"Falcon, stop." Robyn said, entering through the kitchen doors. Bart turned around in surprise to look at the female tactician, dropping her brother. "Don't look so surprised. If he can figure out your identity, so can I." She sighed. "That's also how I figured out that my brother has been sabotaging Dark Pit's meal."

"It's not sabotaging if it's right!" replied Robin, picking himself up.

"The ends don't justify the means." retorted Robyn. "And quite frankly, the ends aren't what I want either." Turning to Bart, she asked, "Do you mind leaving us alone?"

Falcon looked dumbstruck, but he managed to nod. When he had reached the door, he turned around and asked, "Can I trust you?"

Robyn nodded. "Your secret's safe with me, Douglas. I promise I won't tell a soul."

The racer, with a look of satisfaction on his face, left the room. As the kitchen door swung shut, she sighed again. "You would really think someone would've noticed that he's totally Captain Falcon by now."

"Seriously!" Robin agreed, waving his hands in the air. "Did no one notice the Falcon obsession he seems to have? Or that he looks exactly like Captain Falcon?"

"Yeah. But you know that's not why I'm here, brother." Robyn pulled up one of the metal chairs from underneath the kitchen countertop and sat down. "You need to understand that Pittoo's not here to hurt me."

"But how could he not?!" Robin gesticulated. "He's a no good spoiled brat!"

"That's not true and you know it." replied Robyn calmly. "Sure, he's not perfect; even I know that. But you don't see what I see in him."

"How could I not?" Robin snorted. "We're practically each other!"

"No, we're not, and you know that's true." She looked sternly at her brother before continuing. "Dark Pit isn't how he appears to be. Sure, he's arrogant, selfish, egotistical, but he just doesn't want to be leftovers. He doesn't want to be 'Pittoo.' He wants to be someone else, with their own identity and their own life. Sure, he doesn't have the best moral compass, but the greatest part about him is that he can have a moral compass. He can be molded into a wonderful man. Dark Pit has the potential to be the greatest person in this room. He just has to realize it, and I'm here to help him along the way." Then she giggled. "Not to mention he's really hot."

"But he's evil! It's even in his name: Dark Pit!"

"The greatest part about darkness is that there is light." Robyn continued, undeterred by his comments. "How would we know one without the other? It's because he's dark that he can be light. Sure, there will be stumbles, falls, questionable choices, and lots of arguments. But I have to start somewhere, and I guess that there is here. He can be good, Robin. Someone just has to give him the chance, and I'm doing exactly that."

"But... But..."

"No buts about it." She joked, lightly shoving her brother. "You need to accept that we're going out, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Robin looked like he was about to say more, but then he sighed. "Fine. But don't think I won't condemn it internally!"

"That's just the way I expect it to be." Her eyes twinkled. "Now come on, you have some cheesecake to finish. I hope it's Grandma's recipe!" With that, she left the room.

"Wait," said Robin, confused. "Grandma had a recipe?"

* * *

"This is what you gotta do." said Bart to Dark Pit as Robyn approached the table. The dark angel was bored out of his mind, staring off into space. "Look her directly in the eyes and say, 'Honey, I'm a grown man. That means that whatever's troubling you should be—' Oh hey there Robyn!"

"Hey there Mr. Lemming." She smiled. "I hope everything's going well."

"Great!" Bart said just as Dark Pit grumbled, "Horribly."

"That's good." Robyn took her seat across from her boyfriend. "I'm glad to see you two make up."

"Sure, yeah, that's what happened." Dark Pit nodded, eager to get rid of the waiter.

"It's great to see such a happy young couple." Bart smiled, patting Dark Pit hard on his back.

"Romance like yours comes once in a lifetime. You two better take good care of each other, you hear me? You're the start of a strong couple, and I don't want to see anybody take that away from you guys. Got it?"

The female tactician shot a sympathetic look at the racer. "Man, we really need to get you a girlfriend."

"...Shut up." Before he left, he turned to Pittoo and said, "Remember what I told you Dark Pit. It'll save your relationship one day."

"No, no it won't!" He called after the retreating waiter. "I don't think I'll ever used that!" Then he sighed as he turned back to his girlfriend. "He's an interesting one..."

"You know it." She smiled. Looking at his plate, she offered, "I'll take your spicy panang for you."

"Thank the gods." He said, quickly exchanging plates. "That was melting my mouth just looking at it."

"Mmm hmm." Robyn said, staring at her boyfriend.

"Wha— what?!"

"I just want to apologize if I'm overbearing sometimes. I feel like in totally trying to change you, but I promise I'm not. I just want to see you appreciate the people around you sometimes."

"Humph." Dark Pit sighed, looking embarrassed. "Bart just talked to me about us as well. I guess for an old man he did have some pretty good points. Look, I'm sorry that this isn't the date you wanted. I wanted it to be perfect and I guess I was a little aggressive to everybody else. Can you forgive me, Ro—"

But he stopped speaking. Robyn had kissed him.

* * *

**A/N: Woo, first kiss in the collection! Shots fired! I was kinda nervous about the ending. I think I changed it like three times, but I finally settled on this one. It just sent a warm and fuzzy feeling through me for some reason :P**

**Okay, here's the breakdown: I'm getting my wisdom teeth out next week. Yeah. That'll be fun. I am hoping during the time I'm recovering, I can write some chapters for Alone Together, The Falcon House, and possibly start my contest entry for Paradigm of Writing's contest (as of today, three spots are open in the contest if you're interested). Maybe if I feel lucky, Seven Struck the Hour. But I won't know my condition until next week, so fingers crossed that I survive and don't feel awful.**

**So I have a lot of chapter ideas for a bunch of... well, chapters, for this story. I'm a little worried that it might stray from its original intention, so I just want to apologize now before I get any further. Next chapter is a chapter I've been planning since I decided to continue this story, and it'll introduce an overall story arc. That's right: an overall story arc. In a (an?) one-shot collection. Whoopty freaking doo.**

**Also, don't worry about Robin's job. That was some Bart rage right there. His job is safe. Unless I'm luring you into a false sense of security only to break them apart and ruin your perspective of life and the universe and everything. But what monster would do something like that?**

**Well, anyways, reviews are always appreciated, even if it's just a sentence or two. It always makes my day to see you guys comment, so feel free to put your two-cents in.**

**I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter of The Falcon House! Wo****rk hard, keep you head up, and smile! Have a nice day!**

* * *

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_Thanks so much for reviewing!_


	6. Chapter 6: La Vie En Rose Part I

**1,000 views! Woo! Thanks guys! This is now my most popular story!**

**For reference, the two Wii Fit Trainers are referred to as Jerry and Delilah, because male Wii Fit Trainer and female Wii Fit Trainer is way too much to type for my fingers on an iTouch.**

**Anyways, this chapter was way too long to be one part, so I split it into two. It was way over my word limit for myself. Sorry. But hey, I think you'll enjoy the first two-parter a lot. Anyways, get crack-a-lackin' (Arceus, who the heck says that anymore?) and enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter Six: La Vie En Rose Part I

* * *

Cafe Lé Wow was probably one of the most well established restaurants in Smash City. After experiencing the wonders of the World of Trophies, the owner from the Kalos region, Christophe, had fallen head-over-heels in love with the beauty of the sprawling metropolis. Huge skyscrapers that stood proudly in the air welcomed the tourist when he had first arrived, towering over him like a man to an ant; this was a definite break from the older styled architecture of the Kalos region. The wide streets that welcomed both cars and pedestrians felt like someone had paved a path just for Christophe. And how could he forget the clash of cultures! Miis, Koopas, and Waddle Dees all greeted him as he passed by, as if he was apart of the city himself. As if he was one of them, not just some rich millionaire who ran a fancy restaurant. Entranced by the wonders the World of Trophies had to offer him, he had used more than half of his immense fortune to start another Cafe Lé Wow in Smash City, and boy did it not disappoint. Ratings went through the roof! Instead of a three star restaurant like back in the Kalos region, they had become a five star (which had varied from the four star system he was used to). People from all over came to appreciate the fine cooking he presented to his guests. Each and every time he served, he was left with a huge smile on his face and a gratitude bound to no ends. And in return, each and every one of his customers left happy and satisfied with their dining experience.

Except there was that one time...

"Get out!"

Captain Falcon was flung from the restaurant doors, flying onto the cold concrete pavement with a loud and painful thud. His body was in a caret shape; his head was firmly planted into the sidewalk while his posterior stuck up straight in the air. The racer was fully dressed in a suit and tie, the latter covering his mouth, but his face was covered with his signature crash helmet. Christophe stared in amazement behind his countertop as he watched the scene unfold, completely confused.

"What is going on?" He demanded, adjusting his glasses. He had never seen such rage come from anyone in his restaurant. More importantly, he asked, "This isn't about my food, no?!"

"No." Captain Falcon lifted his arm up feebly and pointed. "Her."

Behind Christophe, an enraged Samus, wearing a black dress and a Morph Ball pendant around her neck, shook her fist angrily at the bounty hunter. Her hair was up in a ponytail as usual, and as she gazed angrily at the racer with her light blue eyes she spat in disgust.

"And stay out, you crazy lunatic!" Samus barked, walking back into the restaurant. Captain Falcon stared in dismay, trying to find something to say to her, but by the time he figured it out she was long gone.

"Sheesh..." Falcon grumbled as he got up, scratching his arm. "All I asked her to do was spend the rest of her life with me and she goes and throws me out like that! Come on! What a terrible way to start our relationship!"

Christophe frowned. "Monsieur, I believe throwing you out is the end of a relationship, no?"

Falcon looked like he was about to argue with him, but then he out a depressed sighed. "Last time I trust Smashapedia for dating advice." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen. Scratching away, Christophe heard him say, "Number twenty-six, I guess..." When he had finished, he began to walk away.

"Wait!" Christophe yelled after him. "Remember it wasn't us who upset you before you Yelp!"

* * *

"So how did your date with Samus go?" Robin asked as he entered The Falcon House the next morning. Bart was sitting behind his desk, reading another copy of Smash Weekly while Mr. Game and Watch was preoccupied, moving crates of fruit back and forth. The peculiar owner looked depressed, barely even starting at his magazine as his eyes skimmed over it like a vegetarian at a butchery. As Robin put down his things, Bart let out a huge sigh.

"What do you think happened? As usual, I botched things up with her." Bart glowered, putting down the paper. "Can you believe it? I spent weeks peppering her with romantic gestures, love songs, poems, emails, swan pianos, and those stupidly expensive Waa-llmark cards! And when she finally says yes after sixteen years, when things between us might have been more, I screw things up like Link in a pottery store!" Falcon put his face in his hands and moaned in frustration. "I hate my life!"

"Well, it's just a setback, right?" Robin encouraged him, grabbing his mop. "Maybe she'll come around over time."

"I hope so." replied Falcon, getting up to stretch. Shaking his head as if to get rid of his sad spell, he asked with a yawn, "So, how's life with you kid?"

"Everything's fine. Robyn and Dark Pit are still doing well." said Robin with a bit of angst in his voice. "They really liked the dance at the end of Date Night. Said it was the highlight of the evening besides their... um... kiss. Let's see, what else? I lost my match to King Hoo-Hah today, which sucks because Lucina won't let me hear the end of it. And— oh yeah, a package came for you last night. Mr. Game and Watch told me to put it in the back room until you came in today. Whatever it is, it's humongous."

"It came in?!" Bart's eyes lit up, running into the back room. The tactician looked confused as the racer came dashing out with the enormous box, cutting it open with a pocket knife.

"What is that thing?" Robin frowned as Bart ripped the cardboard apart like wrapping paper. When Bart had finished, he grabbed the electrical cord and plugged it into the closest electrical socket.

"Ta da!" Falcon smiled, proudly gazing at his latest possession. "Whad'ya think?"

"Is that..."

"A Captain Falcon-shaped lamp? Why yes it is!" The lamp was almost identical to the F-Zero hero's usual racing attire, minus the lampshade that covered his— or rather its— face. Pulling on the light cord, Bart illuminated the surprisingly muscular body. The lamp version of Captain Falcon proudly had his hands on his hips, as if he had won another race.

"Why... Why would someone ever want that." deadpanned Robin, his left eyebrow raised.

"The real question is who wouldn't want a Captain Falcon-shaped lamp!" Bart chuckled, moving it near the stairs by the stage. "I bought it off of some guy on Nile named Waft King24 or something. It was super expensive, but boy was it totally worth it!"

"You're telling me that someone made that thing and you bought it? Aren't you worried?"

"Worried?" Bart frowned, genuinely confused. "Why would I be worried?"

"Because people might notice the similarities between you and that lamp!" Robin gesticulated.

"... Are you kidding me? We look nothing alike." Bart protested, striking an identical pose next to the lamp. Robin looked even more unconvinced, for the two looked exactly alike. "It's like apples to oranges."

"But their both still fruit." Robin pointed out.

Bart froze. "Well... They're two different fruit! Ha!"

"Oh hey guys!" Mr. Game and Watch said, walking into the room carrying a crate each of apples and oranges. "How's it going?"

"Hey, Mr. G," Robin smirked, pulling the Flatlander close to him. "Do you notice anything about Bart and that lamp?"

Mr. Game and Watch looked over at the two identical figures in confusion. He turned his head back and forward between the lamp and Bart in deep concentration. After a minute, he finally spoke.

"Nope, no clue." Mr. Game and Watch admitted. "But hey, good thinking Bart! We can ride the success of Captain Falcon to help advertise The Falcon House! Get it? Because they both have falcon in their names!" Ho ho ho!" Chuckling, the Flatlander continued on with his duties without a hitch.

"But... But!" Robin put his head in his free hand. "I give up. Do whatever you want."

"Dang right. I do whatever I want to." Bart smirked, pounding his fist up against his chest. "I fight all my own battles! No one covers for me!"

_RING!_

The two Smashers turned their heads towards the front door in confusion. Entering with a frustrated look lathered on her face, much to Bart's dismay, was Samus, wearing her Zero-Suit jumpsuit. Her hair was sticking up, locks of her golden hair frazzled. A tinge of soot covered her face like black snow, and as she entered she shook her head, as if plunged into freezing water.

"Quickly Robin, cover for me!" Bart made a frantic dash towards his countertop, but the tactician's quick arm caught him at the last second.

"Samus!" Robin greeted the bounty hunter as he struggled to control the writhing racer in disguise. "I didn't expect to see you here! I'm sorry, but we're not ready for customers yet."

"No no, don't worry about that." Samus let out an exasperated sigh. "Jerry let me borrow his stupid van, and halfway down the street it practically blew up on me! I'm sorry to ask you this, but I left my cell phone at the mansion. Do you mind if I call Fal—" She paused, looking at flailing Bart. "Oh. Hello there."

Bart gulped as he regain his composure, unsure of what to expect. "Hello, ma'am." The peculiar owner said cautiously, extending his hand. "My name is Bart, Bart Lemming." When she didn't say anything, he added, "Robin... umm... caught me! Yeah, that's what happened, hehe..."

"Samus Aran." She said after a minute, accepting his handshake. "Say, have we met before?"

"What us? Pfft, no." Bart waved his hand casually, trying to shake off his nerves. "The chances of meeting a girl like you is one in a billion."

Samus raised an eyebrow. "You can barely hold your balance and you're already hitting on me."

Falcon looked pale for a second, as if he regretted opening his big mouth, but he quickly quipped, "What can I say? I'm falling for you."

Then the most unexpected thing happened. Samus lightly giggled, much to Robin's surprise. The mage just stood there as an observer, his mouth slightly agape at the scene before him.

_Can she really not tell it's him? _Robin thought_. I mean, how could she not? There's an identical statue of Falcon right behind Bart!_

"Nice save there." Samus smiled. "You're quite the hopeless romantic. I'm sure many a girl would've been flattered that you were hitting on them."

"Trust me, you'll know when I'm hitting on you." The sly owner said with a wink. "Well, if flirting won't work, how about I take a look at your vehicle? I used to race back in my day, so I know a thing or two about cars. Your friends should be no different."

"Well thank you Mr. Lemming, that would be very kind of you." said Samus, still with her uncharacteristic attitude.

"Please," Falcon waved innocently, "no one calls me that. Call me Bart, and we'll get along fine."

"What if I told you I had a temper?" Samus challenged, raising an eyebrow.

"Then I'll have to help you; that's what I do." Bart winked again. The two bounty hunters walked out of the room together, both casually talking to each other. Robin could only stare in confusion and astonishment at the scene that lay before him.

"Nice!" said Mr. Game and Watch as he carried a crate of bananas into the kitchen. "Bart landed Samus! I remember when we dated..." Chuckling, he walked into the kitchen.

Robin paused for a second before quickly turning around. "Wait, what?!"

* * *

It had been a good hour since Bart had left, and Robin was starting to get worried. After his latest escapade, the mage wanted to make sure that his good friend (or whatever the status of their relationship was; Robin couldn't really tell) didn't end up crashing and burning like last time. The usual quiet customers had begun to pour in, and as much as the tactician liked making drinks he liked knowing even more.

"Hey, where's Bart?" Kirby asked as Robin served him his usual Falcon Brew. The pink puffball was at his usual spot behind the countertop, enjoying one of Robin's omelets.

"No clue." Robin admitted. "Last fine I saw him he was—" He stopped speaking as the racer came through the doorway, whistling the Mute City theme. As he walked back behind the countertop, he tossed a quarter into the tip jar, landing it perfectly inside without even a clink.

"So, how did it go?" Robin asked cautiously. Kirby looked at Bart with a glint of curiosity.

"Couldn't have been better!" Bart said enthusiastically. "I fixed the car, we talked for a bit, she asked about my work, and let's see..." Excitedly, he slammed his hands down against the countertop. "I asked her out on a date and she said yes!"

"You what?!" replied Robin, wide-eyed.

"Yeah! We hit it off pretty well, actually!" Bart smiled his huge grin. Star-struck, he began dancing behind the countertop. "I'm taking her out later tonight."

"Congrats!" Kirby said happily, taking a swig of his coffee. "I'm glad you finally landed somebody!"

Trying to be realistic, Robin asked quietly, "But what are you supposed to do?"

"Do about what?" asked Falcon blindly, continuing with his dazed dance.

Robin grabbed his arm and whispered in his ear, "That you're Captain Falcon and she absolutely hates you!"

Bart froze, a look of absolute dread on his face. "Umm... I didn't think that far."

"About what?" Kirby asked curiously. Bart immediately broke out into a nervous sweat.

"Umm... That... Umm..."

"This is his first date." Robin tried covering up for his boss. "He's super nervous."

"I thought Bart said he's dated twenty-five people." frowned Kirby. Robin broke into a cold sweat, trying to find something else to say.

"Umm..." Bart interjected quickly. "What my friend here meant to say is that this is my first date in a while. Yeah. One-hundred percent."

"Oh!" said Kirby with a look of realization. "I see! That actually makes a lot of sense now. To be honest, I haven't seen that degree of terrified since Zelda asked Mr. Game and Watch out. She hadn't been dating in years! Although, mind you, he had to turn her down. She wasn't emotionally prepared for what Mr. G had to offer her."

"Wait, what?" Robin said quite loudly, although his two fellow Smashers were ignorant to his comments.

"Actually, I went on a date la— well, actually, this is my first date in forever!" replied Falcon. In fact, now that the racer thought about it, that was actually true. In all twenty five— er, twenty six— of his dates, he had been Captain Falcon, not Bart Lemming. Heck, he didn't even know what to do! The racer had never actually been himself— Bart himself— on a date; usually he donned his helmet and went on about like he usually did: a brave egotistical bounty hunter. He guessed he just assumed that he would reveal his secret identity after he had found the one, not reveal his alias after his real identity. His stomach tensed up as nervousness began to build up inside of him.

"Hey, calm down there!" said Kirby. "So you're a bit rusty, but what about it? Sure, dates can be rocky, but that's just part of the dating process! How about I give you some tips?"

"I'm not sure..." Bart said hesitantly. "I mean, not that I don't appreciate the offer, but it's just—"

"I'll pitch in." said Mr. Game and Watch as he entered the room, plopping down a box of pomegranates. "Sounds like fun. Not only that, but I'm pretty bored moving crates of fruit back and forth for no apparent reason. I mean, we don't even serve pomegranates here, and for some reason we have a crate of them."

"What the heck, why not?" Robin shrugged. "I'll take over the coffee house while you guys work with him."

Bart's eyes started to water in anticipation and happiness. "Thanks guys. I— I don't know what to say!"

"Nothing!" Kirby smiled. "You help so many other people and their relationship troubles, why not we help you?"

"Thanks— thanks guys!" Bart smiled his huge smug smirk in an attempt to gain confidence. "I'll do my best!"

.o0O0o.

The group had taken a seat on the green and yellow sofas in the front corner of the restaurant. Each of them had a cup of coffee in their hands, but Bart was the only one shaking as he drank it. The entrepreneur was nervous, mainly because he didn't want to repeat last night's blunder. On the coffee table in front of him he had placed a notepad and pen; he was ready for some classic note taking. Clapping his hands, he reached down to grab his notepad. "Okay, where do you guys want to start?"

"The first thing we should hammer out is the place." Kirby said. "Where do you guys want to go?"

"Cafe Lé Wow, hands down." Bart smiled, leaning back in his seat. "Next."

"Nope." Mr. Game and Watch and Kirby said unexpectedly.

"What?"

"I'm going to have to shoot that one down. First off, that place is way too expensive, and last time I checked, you run a coffee house. Displaying your wealth early causes expectations, and we don't want to run you into financial ruin. Anyways, no one likes a man that's too flashy, unless you're into bad boys who drive around at high speeds and keep saying their own name every time they punch something. Speaking of which, did you hear that Falcon proposed to Samus last night! On their first date!"

"Pfft! What an idiot!" Kirby laughed. "That's the last thing you do!"

"Yeah..." The racer in disguise said nervously, trying to play it off by taking a drink of his coffee, "Who does that around here?" From his spot at the countertop, Robin rolled his eyes.

"Anyways, I agree on the wealth aspect." Kirby nodded, getting back on track, "I can't usually afford such expensive food, so on our first date Jigglypuff and I went to Smash Park. It was beautiful; it was summertime. The river looked cool and crisp, and the nice gentle breeze tickled our skin as it floated by..."

"Expect it's spring, the trees are still dead, and it's forty-five degrees outside." Mr. Game and Watch pointed out. "But I like the concept. Maybe someplace not too fancy, sorta light, a great conversation starter... the Smash Museum?"

Bart shook his head. "No, it's closed after five. Anyways, who takes their date to a museum?"

Mr. Game and Watch looked slightly taken aback. "I took Palutena there on our first date and everything went perfectly!" Robin was taking a drink of coffee, but at the mention of Palutena the tactician took a spit-take in surprise.

"I got it!" Kirby said, his eyes lighting up. "How about here?"

Bart and Mr. Game and Watch looked skeptical. "A coffee house for a first date?" Bart frowned. "Kinda cliché."

"Hear me out." Kirby protested, leaning forward in his own excitement. "Remember the last Falcon Friday? The whole date night thing? How about we set that up again, expect with only you two? It's a nice quiet evening, the whole attention is on you—"

"Hey, I could even play my trumpet!" Mr. Game and Watch agreed, forming said 2-D instrument in his hands. "We're a bit rusty, but I could get up my old combo and play a few tunes for you guys!

"Robin can cook like he did last time, and it'll be a perfect way to monitor your date just in case we need to intervene or help you out!" Kirby finished. "How about it?"

"That— That doesn't sound that bad!" Bart agreed, scratching the back of his head. "Good idea guys! What's next?"

"Dress attire." The two of them said unanimously, not even skipping for a heartbeat.

"It's not like Kirby and I have to dress up anyways," Mr. Game and Watch pointed out, "but even we expect the best from our dates."

"I'm a guy; I don't care." Bart said bluntly. "As long as she is beautiful on the inside, it doesn't matter what she's like on the outside."

"Aww..." Kirby smiled, slightly touched. Then he added, "Well that makes one of you. Now nice clothing: what do you want to wear?"

"..."

"Nothing flashy, nothing that says 'I'm a rich jerk who just wants a pretty face.'" Kirby continued. "Remember Bart: it's not about you when dressing, it's about the impression on her. What do you want to say about yourself? What is your clothing saying about her? Depending on your clothes depends on what you think of her. Is she worth it, in other words?"

"What about my suit and tie from Date Night?" Bart said hopefully.

"No, that says you want to buy her a fancy steak dinner and feed her caviar from the skull of an endangered dolphin." Mr. Game and Watch stated flatly. "That clothing was super expensive, and I'm surprised you could even afford that. Do you have anything else?"

"How about we go out and try on some clothes?" Kirby suggested. "Nothing says you mean business like a fresh pair of clothing."

"Why don't we hang ourselves now, save Death the trouble?" Bart rolled his eyes. "Clothes shopping is boring."

"Well it's tough to decide on something when you don't have anything better!" Kirby shot back. "Mr. G, do you have any suggestions?"

"I can fashion some clothing from my Shadow Bugs." Mr. Game and Watch shrugged.

Bart frowned. "You do realize they're only 2-D, right? Which side are they going to cover: the front or the back?"

"Quit being a curmudgeon and come up with something better then."

"Actually, now that I think about it, I might have something..." Bart scratched his chin before rushing back to his office. When he returned, he was holding a pair of black pants, a white dressed shirt, and a plain red bow tie. Placing it down on the table, he smiled shyly. "Back on Earth, I ran another The Falcon House. It wasn't anything like this, but it was a nice little abode. I had a dress code for myself, purely out of boredom, but when I moved here I dropped it, mainly because brown leather jackets are cool. I never got rid of them though, and I just have them lying around in my office. I know what you said about flashy clothing, but... it seems like a better time than any to bring them out."

"Perfect!" Kirby smiled, picking them up. "I'll run them by my iron later and they should be good for tonight!"

"I agree!" Mr. Game and Watch chirped in. "Cheap, nice yet fashionable, flashy yet polite, and brave yet modest! That leaves the last and most important thing: manners. You got to be at the top of your game tonight Bart. This is Samus we're talking about. She's an intergalactic bounty hunter who doesn't like to be messed with. One wrong move and we got a first-degree murder on our hands."

"Wait to lighten up the mood..." Robin commented from afar, writing down an order.

"A girl likes to be treated like a princess." Mr. Game and Watch went on. "Make sure you show her your upmost respect and the highest of dignities."

Kirby frowned at the last comment. "I'm not sure if that's necessarily true. It's always been my personal belief that a woman likes to be treated like a normal human being, someone who's no different from me and you."

"On the contrary," Mr. Game and Watch argued, "Samus is an independent woman who isn't easily persuaded. If you show her how submissive you are, you'll get brownie points in her book."

Kirby shook his hands in a sign of protest. "In no way is that true! Women like knights in shining armor, who ride in bravely on their horses to save the day!"

"Yeah, tell that to yourself when you came here for the first time." Mr. Game and Watch snorted.

"Shut up." Kirby rolled his eyes. "I believe it's common in nature for the male to be dominant over the female. You don't hear any Alpha Females running around, do you?"

"You don't hear a lot of relationships that are that way for long, do you?" Mr. Game and Watch retorted, staring the pink puffball. "Trust me Bart, be kind and reserve and you got this."

"Trust me, Bart," Kirby said loudly, "be dominant and bold and you'll win her heart faster than King Dedede at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!"

"Umm..." Bart stared blankly at both of them, turning back and forth between his two friends. "Yes?"

"Good." They said unanimously. From his spot at the countertop, Robin rolled his eyes.

"This is going to be a long day, isn't it?" He grumbled as he prepared an Orange Falcon latte.

.o0O0o.

After a couple of minutes of intense work, the Smashers had effectively recreated the setup of Date Night in the center of the coffee shop, roses and everything. Bart stood and watched, taking mental pictures and occasionally murmuring something along the lines of "Falcon Remember" or "Falcon Watch." As Kirby moved the last chair into place, he said, "You and Samus will sit directly across from each other, like so." He gestured his stubby hands across the table. "One of the most important things about dating is getting to know each other. What does she like? What do you like? Half of dating is getting to know the other person, not just pouring a bunch of facts about yourself on her."

"For the sake of practice, pretend I'm Samus." Mr. Game and Watch said as he approached the table. "What is the first thing you do?"

Bart stared confused as he took his seat, unsure of what they meant. Immediately, Kirby and Mr. Game and Watch grabbed his arms and pulled him up.

"No no no!" Mr. Game and Watch protested. "You introduce the lady to her seat, not take yours first!"

"But you're not a lady." Bart pointed out, confused.

"Pretend I am." pressed Mr. Game and Watch. "Pretend I'm the prettiest lady you've ever met!"

"Umm... Mr. G, you said that last part kinda loudly." said Kirby, cowering at the glances from the room.

"Ah, whatever. Not my problem if they can't get all of this hot bod." Mr. Game and Watch returned to his side of the table. "Okay Bart, what do you do?"

"Well now that I know, it's kinda pointless to introduce you to your seat now, isn't it?" Bart grumbled, pulling out the chair for the Flatlander to sit in.

Ignoring his last comment, Mr. Game and Watch continued. "Now Bart, tell me about yourself."

"Umm... Okay." Bart took his seat. "My names Bart Lemming, age 37, and I own a coffee shop. My hobbies are—"

"Is this a date or an interview?" Mr. Game and Watch confronted. "Come on, don't just say it. Tell me about yourself, not just what you do. Kirby, do you mind setting an example?"

"By all means." The hero of Popstar pulled up a chair next to Bart. "Samus, it's very nice to see you again! How are you?"

"Good, how are you?" replied "Samus."

"Great! So, tell me about yourself." Kirby asked politely.

"Okay, well..." Mr. Game and Watch scratched his chin before continuing. "I'm a Smasher, if you didn't know. I've been fighting alongside my friends for a long time, training and building relationships with some of the greatest people in the universe."

"What did you do before that?" Kirby asked out of curiosity.

"I was an intergalactic bounty hunter who strived to kill Ridley, a dragon-like space pirate, for killing my parents and many more around the galaxy. I was then adopted by the Chozo, a bird like race who infused their DNA into me in order to survive harsh environments. Due to that, I'm not much of a people person, but I do enjoy the company of quiet people who have a passion for serving justice to evildoers."

"Holy crap is that true?!" Kirby spat out his coffee. "I didn't know any of that!"

"See? Just like that we're already learning about each other." Mr. Game and Watch gestured to Bart. "Kirby, your turn... Kirby?"

The pink puffball was rocking back and forth in his chair, scarred by Samus's awful life. "I'm so sorry I called her mean..." He sobbed, his eyes wide like full moons.

"Anyways," Mr. Game and Watch shook his head at Kirby before turning his attention back to Bart, "the key is to tell her more about yourself than just a bunch of facts. Why do you own a coffee shop? What makes you so passionate about what you do? These things can keep a conversation going. If you're ready, you can go next."

"Hmm?" Bart looked up from his flip phone, clearly not paying attention. "Oh right, that." He cleared his throat before continuing. "Hello, Samus. As you know, my name is Bart Lemming, age 37. I run a coffee house. My hobbies are—"

"You're doing it again!" Mr. Game and Watch slapped his boss's wrist. "Come on, add some emotion to it!"

"It might help if you didn't slap me!" Bart whined, rubbing his wrist.

"Here, let me try." Robin pulled up a chair and looked directly at Bart. In a feminine voice, he said, "Hello there, Bart. Tell me about The Falcon House. What made you want to start a coffee house?"

"You do that Samus voice too well." Mr. Game and Watch joked, lightly elbowing the mage.

"Shut up." Robin grumbled, rubbing his arm in pain. "Just as long as it works."

"Well..." Bart leaned back in his chair, thinking. "I guess I just really wanted a challenge. The strenuous life has always been something I've strived for, so I guess I just wanted to be kept busy."

"But out of all the things, a coffee house? If you wanted to live so strenuously, why choose such a lax environment instead of something extreme like a diner?"

"Well..." Bart frowned in contemplation. "I guess it goes back to my parents. Back in Port Town, the place where I grew up, there was this little modest shop called Duke's Place. Duke was a burly guy: muscular, dark, and a smile that could reflect light. He always welcomed me with that bright smile and a peppermint (the chocolate and green ones, not the usual red and white). Every once in a while, my papa, Mason, would get up on stage, shaking like he usually did when attention was drawn on him. He was a professor on Io, but he had a secret passion for poetry. Taking a deep breath, he would recite some little catchy limerick or haiku or something short and silly like that. I never really thought much about it until he wrote a sonnet he called, 'Legend of the Falcon.' It was a grand tale. I remember sitting back and listening, sneaking a sip of his coffee as he told it to the audience. And when he was done, the crowd snapped like wildfire. I remember Duke coming up behind me and putting his arm on my shoulder. 'Your father's a great man,' he told me. 'He's the reason I run this place, you know. Your father is always doing nice little things here and there for us, and I couldn't be more grateful.'

"'Like you.' I told him. 'You're always here to help me with my homework and stuff, even when Papa's away.'

"He laughed, patting me on the back before returning to his duties. For some reason, he treated me with a new kind of respect that day. I didn't think much about it at the time, but I guess... well, after that moment I guess I wanted to help people, even if it was just a little bit a day. Sure, a coffee house is boring, but it's the people that count, not the food." Shaking his head, Bart sat up. "We'll, sorry to bore you there guys. I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there."

"That... That was beautiful." Kirby cried, hugging the waiter. "Just... Just... Waa!"

"Whoa, calm down there little buddy!" Bart said, peeling the pink puffball off him like a sticker and plopping him back in his seat.

"That was truly something else." Robin agreed. "I didn't know that."

"It's not something I usually talk about," Bart admitted, scratching the back of his head. "But once in a blue moon something's bound to slip. Ha ha!"

"I think he's ready." Mr. Game and Watch decreed, getting out of his chair. "What about you guys?"

"Agreed." confirmed Robin.

"Waa!" Kirby nodded through his tears.

Bart smiled. "Great! Let's get set up and get going!"

"One problem though." said Robin.

"What?"

"It's 10:00 in the morning. We still have, like, nine more hours to go."

"Oh... Right." Bart scratched the back of his head. "I guess I own a restaurant. Oh shoot, I own a restaurant!" With that, the racer dashed behind the countertop like nothing had even happened.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Robin wondered aloud. "Like something bad is about to happen?"

"Hey, this is Smash." Mr. Game and Watch reminded him. "What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

**Yeah, lame stopping point, I know. But as I said, this was originally one chapter, and this was a better place to stop than any.**

**If I got things technically wrong with any relationship stuff, I take full blame because I've never been on a date. So I'm going in blind guys! I hope I'm fairly accurate...**

**Anyways, the next chapter should be up next week, so stay tuned! Reviews are always appreciated. As usual, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a nice day!**

**Will Bart screw things up? Will Samus figure out who he is? Is Robin really on their side, or is he just playing Mario to get Peach on his side? Can Mr. Game and Watch get the band back together before the Battle of the Bands? How will Kirby react when he learns who his baby's father really is? And most importantly, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Find out that and more next time on The Guiding Young and the Restless Lights!**

**Wait, what? Wrong story? Oh... well shoot. That was at least fourteen chapters worth of material...**


	7. Chapter 7: The Waluigi House

**BEFORE YOU START, IT IS HIGHLY SUGGESTED THAT YOU READ THE FIRST CHAPTER OF THE FALCON HOUSE BECAUSE OTHERWISE THIS PIECE OF CRAP PROBABLY WON'T MAKE SENSE.**

**A/N: You wanted The Falcon House Chapter this week? TOO BAD, WALUIGI TIME!**

**Real A/N: Just... just bear with me for a minute... Let me explain what happened and why this monstrosity exists. When I write, I write multiple takes of the chapter before deciding on one beginning and going with it. Usually they're not too long, but they still take a chunk of my time. When I was deleting some of the old takes of my earlier chapters in Notepad, I may... have deleted this weeks chapter...**

**Idiot Dunmore is idiot.**

**Luckily for you guys, unconscious Dunmore's got you covered. You see, before I went under anesthesia for my wisdom teeth surgery, I thought it would be fun to keep pen and paper handy to see some ideas I could come up with for chapters. When I came to my senses and I looked at the page, I realized what crap I had written down and how much I regretted that decision.**

**But then I found this chapter title when I was panicking last night: The Waluigi House.**

**So, since today coincided with April Fools Day, the fact I want to try to write every kind of fanfiction type (I would consider this a crackfic) minus the nasty stuff, and poor time management, I revised the first chapter of The Falcon House (see how many references you can catch! Seriously, try it) and... well, this piece of crap happened. I'm really sorry for my idiocy, because what you are about to read was an accident. I'm sorry this happened, and I promise it won't happen again. This isn't high quality material from me, and I know it. But I keep my promises, and let's face it, it's April Fools Day, how could I not resist?**

**I hope you enjoy... Whatever the crap this thing is. Again, really sorry for deleting the chapter and the fruits of one o'clock in the morning.**

**(Did I mention I'm really sorry?)**

* * *

Chapter WAA-ne: Enter Burt

* * *

It was a normal day for Burt Fleming. Quite frankly, his business couldn't have been doing any worse. The Waluigi House, one of Smash City's many coffee houses, was doing exceeding awful business. Customers were coming and going. Mostly going. Running in fact.

No one likes Burt.

To be honest, Burt tried everything in his power to make friends. He humbly ate the last meatball when sharing spaghetti with his date to ensure they didn't choke. He painted cop cars purple because let's face it, the city wasn't going to pay for a new paint job. He even stole their children and returned them as an act of kindness. You think after all this time he could've made one friend, but alas, for some mysterious reason, he couldn't.

Of course, they probably knew him better by his other name: Waluigi. It wasn't a very common name anyways.

It was just after the rush hour on the last day of Waluigi's Lupercalia break, and so far business had been slow. Smash City was huge, however, so it wasn't like it was abnormal. Burt just assumed that they were saving their appetites for some of his delicious homespun cooking later. After all, The Waluigi House was gourmet. It even had it in it's slogan: "Waluigi is better than Luigi! Gourmet."

Burt had been wiping down the countertop, casually whistling Waluigi Pinball to pass the time. Honestly, he was getting kind of bored with the whole business thing, mainly because he couldn't hit his customers with his tennis racket. And let's face it, who would want to deal with all those darn health regulations? Waluigi was a grown independent man, and he didn't listen to none of those stupid rules! He ran his business on his own terms!

_Ring_!

The door swung open as Jigglypuff and Kirby entered the establishment. The pink Pokèmon was wearing a small flower in her hair and a tiny purse around her shoulder (in reality, it was a tiny handbag with string taped to the ends of it). Burt could tell that she was irritated from her movements; she was constantly tapping her foot and checking the time on her watch. Kirby stood awkwardly besides her, looking nervous. A twing of regret was plastered on his face, but from what Burt could not tell.

"This is the place you take me out to?" Jigglypuff frowned, looking around at the modest restaurant. "A coffee house?"

"Mr. Game and Watch recommended it." said Kirby nervously, looking down at a sheet of paper. "This is the right place, right? It had something with 'The House' in it, but I can't remember. The paper is all smudged."

"Hmph!" Jigglypuff rolled her eyes. "You mean the 2-D blunder? Isn't he the one who keeps putting black specks in my food?"

"No, that's—" Kirby paused as a creeping figure started looming over his head. Behind him stood a tall and limber man. He was sporting a leather jacket over a dark navy undershirt with light blue jeans and brown loafers. His brown hair was neatly combed to the side like a lush wavy ocean. The man's yellow scarf lay covering his wondrous neck. Most notably was his silver belt buckle, which had a picture of a falcon with its wings outstretched engraved into it.

Except he wasn't Captain Falcon.

"Waa-come to The Waluigi House!" Burt screamed unnecessarily. "Waa-t can I do for you!"

"Holy Arceus it's Waluigi!" Jigglypuff jumped, paralyzed at the sight of the assist trophy.

"Waa?" Burt looked down at himself. "No, it is I, Burt Fleming! The great and powerful entrepreneur!"

"No, you're definitely Waluigi." Kirby deadpanned. "Just because you take off your usual clothes doesn't mean we don't know who you are. Seriously, what idiots would fall for that?"

"... Whatever!" Waluigi gesticulated before returning behind the countertop. "Give me your orders!"

"I'll have the—"

"We'll have ten orders of the Garden Salad and two coffees each please." Jigglypuff interrupted. Kirby was about to protest, but Jigglypuff ushered him off to a table before he could utter a word. Then she returned to the countertop. "So what's my total?"

"Waa-t do you mean?"

"You know, my total? Total amount?" Jigglypuff squinted her eyes at Waluigi. "You do realize I pay up here, right?"

"What do you think, this is a coffee house?" Burt scowled, pressing the buttons on the cash register quite obnoxiously.

"... I thought this was a coffee house." Jigglypuff frowned, taking her credit card out.

"They have deers in space?" Waluigi gasped.

"... What?"

"... Never mind. Here's your receipt, you fat balloon." Burt threw the paper in her face. "Now scram!"

"... Okay..." Jigglypuff walked away, exchanging confused glances at her boyfriend. When she was sure she was far enough from Waluigi's earshot, she quickly whispered, "Are you sure this is the place Mr. Game and Watch recommended?"

"I'm about ninety percent sure." Kirby admitted, checking the piece of paper again. "It's says Burt Fleming right here. Or is that Bart Lemming? Gosh, it's so smudged I can't even tell."

"Well then, after this Mr. Game and Watch will never speak with me again." Jigglypuff decided. "Waluigi is seriously staring to creep me—"

"WALUIGI IS HERE NOW!" Waluigi popped up from nowhere, holding copious amounts of salad in his hands. "Eat it! Eat it while it's cold!"

"Heavens to Betsy that was fast!" said Kirby, wide-eyed and terrified. "That was like, a perfect thirty seconds!"

"I'm impressed!" Jigglypuff reluctantly admitted. "That was some pretty fast hands!"

Waluigi shot her a blank look. Finally he turned to Kirby, raised his hand over his mouth, and whispered, "She's some work. I have no idea what you see in her."

"I'm right here, you know!" Jigglypuff complained. "And your hand is facing the wrong direction!"

"I know." replied Waluigi bluntly. "What about it?"

"Excuse me," Kirby said, staring at his salads. "What's this green stuff in my food?"

"That's lettuce, moron." Waluigi rolled his eyes. "Ever eaten a salad before?"

"I'm not talking about the lettuce, I'm talking about the green stuff on top of the lettuce!"

Indeed, a strange herb was resting on top of each of the salads on the table. Whoever had picked them out didn't do a very good job; the herb wasn't plucked properly and its roots were still submerged in a pile of dirt. Waluigi continued to look confused before realization hit his eyes.

"Ahh!" He smiled proudly. "I see you've noticed my secret ingredient!"

"Secret ingredient?" Jigglypuff raised her eyebrow, unconvinced.

Waluigi leaned in close, as if he was revealing the answer to some insane paradox. "Wanna see the container?"

"No, not partic—" She didn't even get to finish her sentence before Waluigi slammed a plastic container right on top of one of her salads. Ranch dressing flew everywhere, smothering the Pokémon's face and ruining the plumber's leather jacket.

"Tada!" Burt grinned like a hyena. "My pride and joy!"

"'Waluigi Thyme.'" Kirby read the label aloud. "Oh Arceus, please strike me dead."

"Waa ha ha ha!" Waluigi laughed, slapping his knee. "I love it when I make pro-pun-ciations! Waa ha ha! I'll get you your coffees now. Waluigi Barista Time!"

"No, I think we're go— and he's gone." Kirby sighed, slumping down in his chair. Looking at his date, he shot her an apologetic glance. "So that happened."

"Ugh, he didn't even bother to take his container of thyme with him." Jigglypuff grumbled, wiping away the ranch around her eyes. "It's just sitting there."

"We need to stick together and get the heck out of here, ASAP." said Kirby, trying to make sure Waluigi wasn't watching them. The plumber looked preoccupied, spraying what looked to be a can spray cheese over their coffee.

"Just as soon as I get this ranch off of me." Jigglypuff grumbled, getting out of her seat.

"No wait, where are you going?!"

"To the bathroom." She told him, walking towards the back.

"No!" Kirby protested. "Don't leave me alone with him!"

"Calm down!" The pink balloon Pokémon responded, not even breaking her long stride. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Everything! How about freaking everything?!"

"Quit overreacting Kirby." She rolled her eyes. "I won't be long."

"But that's long enough for— and she's gone." Kirby cringed as his girlfriend disappeared behind a corner. "Great. Where the heck could he—"

"WAA!" Waluigi screamed, popping out from underneath the table. Kirby yelped, frightened by his sudden appearance. The anti-hero only laughed, taking Jigglypuff seat across from him.

"What cruel person would make me suffer like this?" Kirby flinched, unsure of what to expect from his peculiar host.

"Look," Burt stared directly at the pink puffball, "I know a thing or two about dating waa-men, so I figure, why not give you some advice?"

"Actually, things are fine with me and Jigglypuff." Kirby lied. "No need for—"

"This is what you gotta do." Waluigi leaned up so close to Kirby's round face that his nose was touching the hero of Popstar's check. With his nasty thyme smelling breath, he whispered, "Look her directly in the eyes and say, 'Honey, I'm a grown man. That means WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"I'm not sure that's the right—"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"Umm... Waluigi?"

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

"You... You can stop now."

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—"

Kirby scratch the back of his head, unsure of what to do.

"—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA— oh look, here she comes!" Waluigi said excitedly. "Quick, I'll hide!" With that, Waluigi slithered underneath the table like a wriggling worm.

"Why is Waluigi underneath our table?" Jigglypuff asked as she sat back down.

"Dropped my pen." Was the muffled reply.

"Jigglypuff, remember that thing we were arguing about?" said Kirby, staring at her girlfriend with all the kindness he could muster.

"Yes?"

He leaned in close, his voice getting deep and creepy. "I'll admit it was all me if we can just get the heck out of here."

"Oh come off it, Kirby!" Jigglypuff said. "You're not even giving Waluigi a chance!"

"You know what? Fine." Loudly, Kirby said, "I'm going to use the bathroom now."

"Wait, hold on, where are you going?" His girlfriend now looked concerned, frowning.

"To the bathroom of course." Kirby announced. Quieter, he added, "See if you can stand five seconds with him and I'll never eat solid food again."

"But I didn't—"

"Gotta go fast!" With that, Kirby made a mad dash towards the bathrooms.

"Umm..." Cautiously, Jigglypuff looked under the table, only to find that the creepy chef was gone.

"Waluigi?" She called out. "Where are you?"

"Right here." Jigglypuff jumped as she realized that the plumber was in her ear, whispering. "Waa-nna here a knock knock joke?"

"Umm..." She started breathing heavily, panicking. "Sure?"

"Knock knock."

"Who's... who's there?"

"Waa."

"Waa?" She repeated, confused. "Waa who?"

"WAA-WHO-WEE-GEE!" He screamed, spit flying everywhere. Jigglypuff flew out of her seat, trying desperately to get up.

"WAA HA HA!" Waluigi laughed, Grabbing his stomach. "That was great! You should've seen your face when I—"

"QUIT BEING A JERK!" Jigglypuff suddenly yelled. The room fell silent, the only sound permeating the fragile balance was the clock ticking on Burt's wall. Finally, she stood up.

"Excuse me." With that, Jigglypuff ran to the bathroom with freshly formed tears in her eyes.

.o0O0o.

"I can't believe the bathrooms are that gross." Kirby gagged, stepping out of the men's room. "How do you even get that on the ceiling?"

"Kirby?" Jigglypuff cried out, embracing her boyfriend. "We've got to go, now!"

"Ha! I told you you couldn't handle him!" Kirby smiled triumphantly. "I just knew that—"

"No!" Jigglypuff looked up at the hero of Popstar with huge fresh wet tears in her eyes. "I called Waluigi a jerk!"

"And? So?"

"How am I supposed to be a better person when I'm the real jerk?" She sobbed, closing her eyes and rubbing them into Kirby's body.

"Hey, slow down there!" Kirby replied, surprised. "What are you talking about?"

"Well... we're Smashers," Jigglypuff began, trying to calm down, "and we've had our fair share of fights. But, Captain Falcon, you see, he's an absolute jerk! After a battle one day, he... He called me fat!"

"Oh!" Kirby's eyes came into focus as he finally understood the root of her problems. "I see! Man, I didn't realize that he was being so mean to you! I swear, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind when—"

"But that's the problem!" Jigglypuff sighed with an exasperated look on her face. "How am I supposed to be better than Falcon when I go around calling people jerks? How am I supposed to live with myself when I'm no better than him?"

"Oh honey," Kirby shot her a look of pure understanding. "Hey, listen. It's not like you meant to be rude. Why, I can remember a great deal of times when I screwed up. Heck, I'm not perfect! No one is! Imagine life like a shape of clay: you gotta mold it how you want it to be. And of course, other people may jab comments at it, saying its imperfect, but we can either choose to ignore it if it's rude and unjustified, or use what they say and become better. Sure, we slip up every once in a while, but it's not like we do it on purpose. And heck, he was being rude! He deserved it! The worst thing you could've done is not do anything about it! Maybe Waluigi will become a better person because of what you've said, honey."

"But... what about me?" She asked. "Am I fat to you?"

Kirby looked taken aback by her genuine honesty. "Oh Jigglypuff..." He smiled, "You know that doesn't matter to me. I would love you either way. It doesn't matter what you look like, it just matters what you are inside. I know that sounds cheesy, but..."

"Oh Kirby!" Jigglypuff gave him a great big hug; Kirby happily returned it. "I can't believe we've been so mean to each other over something so silly as this."

"WAA!" A voice down the hallway echoed.

"Before we get a lovey-dovey, let's get the heck outta here!" whispered Kirby, remembering where they were.

"But there's no exits! And he's getting closer!"

"But! No! Think, Kirby, think!"

"WALUIGI MAKE YOU PAY!" The voice cried out in a sing-song fashion.

"Please no!" Kirby cried out weakly, shaking violently. His voice echoed down the hallway, bouncing off the walls like drops of water.

"I swear, I didn't mean it Waluigi!" Jigglypuff promised, huddling into a corner. Kirby stood protectively in front of her, unsure what to expect from the insane purple fanatic.

"Waluigi is going to make you pay." He swore, holding up a knife. "You're going to be my friends. Forever."

"You can't!" Kirby desperately retorted. "That's against the law!"

The plumber had the biggest grin on his face, his pearly white teeth reflecting the faint light of the hallway. "Well looks like it'll be a Waluigi... Crime."

* * *

"Waluigi leaned forward, knife in hand, swing violently at Kirby. The pink puffball could only cry in agony as he was—"

"Wait wait wait, stop right there." Mr. Game and Watch raised his hand. "That's your horror story? The Waluigi House?"

"Well I mean, have you met the guy?" Robin said, putting down his papers. "He's pretty creepy."

The two Smashers were standing inside The Falcon House, waiting on Bart and Samus to arrive for their date. When Robin had asked Mr. Game and Watch to listen to a fanfiction he was writing for a contest, the Flatlander was eager to hear what the tactician had in mind. He just never expected it to be so... dull.

"Of course I've met Waluigi!" Mr. Game and Watch growled. "He's actually not a half bad guy! If you wanted a murderous face, go with Meta Knight, Ganondorf, heck, have you met Villager?!"

"But—"

"Jigglypuff is too OOC, and it feels like she switches personalities halfway through the story, Kirby isn't that wise, there's practically no horror until the end, Burt Fleming is an obvious ripoff of Bart's name, and for the love of all that is two-dimensional, you just copied this off of Kirby and Jigglypuff's first date here!"

"Well, I mean..." Robin looked dumbstruck, trying to process what the Flatlander was saying. "Holy crap, you're right. This is super lame."

"See what I mean?" The Flatlander nodded. "You're better than this. Don't steal ideas, kid. I've read some of your other stuff and you're quite good. Just don't be lame like this piece of garbage. Who would dedicate that much time and effort into something like that?"

"No one sane." Robin bit his lower lip before tossing the page into the trash. "Man, thanks for that, Mr. G. When I rewrite this story, would you mind beta-reading it for me?"

"No problem," Mr. Game and Watch nodded. "After all, waa-t would you do without me?"

* * *

**A/N: Super lame ending is lame. Yeah. I know. Again, I'm sorry that it came to that. Seriously, I am. I feel so bad right now, you have no idea. I promise, it won't happen again. I'll try to write the chapter again ASAP, but April is pretty busy for me. At least I have the basic outline, right? Heheh...**

**Anyways, this story was posted for Smash Comedy Month. For more information or if you have any questions, please contact GinaxAlvissForever. I may not write five stories this month, but I can at least write a few chapters of The Falcon House!**

**Anyways, stay tuned for the next chapter of The Falcon House. Which may take a blue moon to write again. I am such an idiot.**


	8. Chapter 8: La Vie En Rose Part II

**SPOILER WARNING: Huge Metroid Spoilers Inbound! Also, it is highly suggested you read _La Vie En Rose Part I_ before continuing. **

**A/N: That awkward moment when you're having a nightmare about Zac from LoL and all of a sudden you realize in your dream that you can beat him with a pineapple. And that it's also technically true assuming Zac is geletin.**

**Thanks ****bromelain.**

** Wow, this chapter took a blue moon! Sorry! Anyways, here it is, the long awaited chapter. More info at the end to happenings in this story and my writing in the summer and stuff. Also, over 10,000 words (breaking my own rules, WOO #REBEL) to make up for the lack of updates in April. So sorry I deleted this! I saved it to multiple devices this time so I wouldn't screw up.**

**Also, for those curious, Bart Lemming's outfit for his date is the same one you can find if you just type in Bart Lemming in your search bar. For those wondering...**

**Anyways, without further ado...**

* * *

Chapter 8: La Vie En Rose Part II

* * *

_DING DONG!_

Bart stood outside of Samus's apartment, nervously holding a bouquet of flowers in his hands. The flowers were a last minute idea by Robin, but the racer was unsure if Samus even liked flowers, let alone poor old Bart. After Captain Falcon had epically failed with Samus the first time, he had tried his best to eliminate some of that Falcon-ness from himself. After all, it was that Falcon-ness that screwed him up the first time, right?

The racer had walked up the steps to the second floor of the apartment complex on this chilly night. It was a certainly interesting building in Bart's opinion. It was like a multilayer peach-colored motel, if that made any sense (to Falcon it didn't). Each floor had an opening to the naked outside world, and only hand rails prevented the common man from falling to certain injury below.

What really surprised Bart was that Samus lived in the poorer side of Smash City. After all, she was a fellow bounty hunter. Shouldn't she be rolling in the dough like him? Then again, the deadly woman was known for modesty and frugality. She would take one cookie when offered two, and she always kept the paper napkins from Mama Luigi's Pizzeria when she grabbed too much. Captain Falcon had always appreciated that about her, but he never showed it. After all, he would look weak, right? Real men buy their own recycled paper napkins!

Trying to distract himself from his thoughts, the Smasher in disguise checked his watch nervously.

"It feels like I've been standing out here for over month." He chattered his teeth, grabbing a piece of paper out of his pocket. "Thirty-eight days to be exact. This can't be the wrong address. I picked her up last night from here. Unless Samus owns an apartment somewhere else... Nah, she would've told me, right?" He froze, dreadful thoughts pouring into his head. "Unless she really hates me and I'm being duped. She's not that cruel, right? Unless she really is that cruel... Oh man, and I've been playing into her trap all along!" He slammed his fist against the palm of his hand, partially crushing the flowers. "Gosh darn it! How could I have been so blind! She's nothing more than a two-timing jerk! That's it, when she comes out here, I'm breaking this thing off before it gets any worse. I'll—"

The door swung open, causing Falcon's heart to stop. Before him stood Samus, but not how he had expected her to be. The bounty huntress was wearing a magnificent sky blue dress and a pair of matching high heels. Her golden hair was straight down, quite the opposite of her usual ponytail style. Underneath the pale light, her eyes twinkled with such wonder and tenacity that Bart swore that he could stare into them for eternity. Only the sound of her voice interrupted him from his daydream.

"I'm sorry I was running a bit behind," She apologized, trying to put a Screw Attack pendant around her neck. "I lost track of time."

"No no, no worries," Bart promised her, captivated. "I haven't been standing out here long." He handed her the bouquet of flowers, which she gladly accepted.

"Blue roses. Beautiful." Samus put them on an unseen table to the right of the doorway.

"Thanks. They're as rare as rare can be." Bart smiled. "Robin said something about blue phenotypes being extremely recessive genes or something like that... I don't know, I don't pay attention to half of what that guy is saying."

Samus rolled her eyes. "Me either. Sometimes he's a bit annoying with all of his facts, but I respect that he's passionate about what he does."

"Me too." Falcon nodded. "He's a good kid. Anyways, I believe we have reservations to attend to, so let's not hesitate." He motioned his hand towards the stairway down, as if it was made just for her.

"Why thank you, Bart." She smiled, striding away. The waiter struggled to keep up with her since she had a whole natural two inches on him (it didn't help with her high heels), but he didn't mind the longer steps.

As they climbed down to the bottom floor the Smasher in disguise couldn't help but ask her, "So do you want to know where we're going?"

"Feel free to enlighten me." She nodded, not even pausing to guess.

"I thought you were going to be a bit more enthused than that." Bart mumbled, loud enough for his date to hear. When she didn't say anything, he sighed before continuing. "Erm hem. The place we are going is a little quaint place on Smash Street. It's not that big, but I got the whole place reserved just for us. There's a band ready to serenade us as we dine on some delicious food made by a master... in-training chef."

Samus raised an eyebrow. "We're eating at The Falcon House, aren't we?"

"What? Pfft..." Bart tried playing it off before realization struck him. "Wait, was it that obvious?"

"I won't lie, yes." She told him. "But it's my job as a bounty hunter, so don't feel too bad."

"Yeah, right..." Falcon scratched the back of his head as he realized how easy that was to predict. "But I promise you, it's going to blow your socks off!" Or at least, he hoped it would. Bart had entrusted Robin, Mr. Game and Watch, and Kirby to take care of the minor details such as setting, lighting, and food while he went out to get Samus. He just prayed that they had used their time wisely.

His statement was followed by awkward silence. A thousand thoughts ran through Falcon's head, but he didn't dare utter a single one of them.

"I won't lie, I was considering going there the other night." She said unexpectedly. "A couple of the Smashers headed over, and I was really tempted to take someone."

"Really?" The Smasher in disguise immediately got excited. "Who?"

"Oh, just a nobody." Falcon's heart deflated like an air balloon, slowly withering away. The words hit like lead, but somehow he managed to power through. "On the bright side, I don't have to worry about him anymore." She looked over at her date. "I've got someone new to talk to now."

"Yeah," Bart smiled hollowly, still stung silly from earlier. "You've got someone new..."

* * *

"You're playing bass!"

"No!"

Mr. Game and Watch stared furiously at Sonic, who was standing next to him with his arms crossed. The two musicians were on the little stage in The Falcon House, preparing to play for Bart's date. Diddy Kong, their drummer, and Shulk, their pianist, were already set up, watching the two Smashers squabble. Both had looks of pure boredom on their faces.

"I'm not playing unless I get to sing!" Sonic demanded. "And I always play guitar!"

"And I said Dr. Mario isn't here to play bass tonight, and for the love of all that is 2-D, we need a bass!" Mr. Game and Watch retorted. "And I'm the lead player, I sing!"

"Can't you guys just agree on something already?" Shulk yawned absentmindedly, leaning back in his chair. The Homs boy was staring at the ceiling, his feet kicked up over his keyboard.

"Shut up, Shulk!" Sonic barked. "You're the one who keeps bringing me into this mess!"

"Diddy Kong needed help!" Shulk defended himself. "And since I knew you were free tonight, I accepted on your behalf!"

"He needed help opening a banana! And next thing I know I'm being dragged by my neck out here!"

"What can I say?" Shulk shrugged. "I was really 'peeling' it."

"The real question is why Mr. Game and Watch is doing this for someone who's dating his old girlfriend." Diddy Kong pointed out. "Didn't you go out with Samus for like, two years?"

A huge clattering sound came from the kitchen as Robin dropped his pans.

"Eh, I moved on." Mr. Game and Watch sighed. "Anyways, I won't lie: Bart and Samus are my OTP."

"Wait, what—"

_Ring!_

The doors swung open as Bart and Samus entered the restaurant. Quickly, the band snapped to attention.

"Sonic, if you play bass, I'll triple your pay." Mr. Game and Watch whispered out of desperation.

"Never doubted you for a second." Sonic smiled, grabbing the upright bass. Pushing the Flatlander out of the way, Sonic said into the microphone: "A-one, a-two, a-one two three—"

As Bart entered The Falcon House, Mr. Game and Watch's band started playing, bringing a smile to his face. Robin had dimmed the lights, so the lightbulbs overhead let off a dull but warm glow. All of the other tables had been moved to the back storage room, leaving the room empty except for the table Kirby and Mr. Game and Watch had set up earlier in the day. In the center of that table, a small candleholder with three bright candles beckoned the couple towards their seats. As they approached their chairs, Bart recalled his earlier training and pulled Samus's seat out for her.

"M'lady." He gestured. "Your evening awaits."

"Why thank you Bart." Samus nodded, taking her seat. "I'm quite impressed; I'm not going to lie. You really changed the atmosphere of this place."

"Why thank you." Bart smiled, taking his own place at the table. "I'm glad you like it. We worked hard all day to set this up."

"Wow." Samus nodded, impressed. "Nice job."

Bart gleamed at her words. He was trying to soak this moment in, mainly because had never seen Samus so kind and considerate. Most of his time with her was spent yelling about how much of an idiot he was or that he was a repulsive creep. Then again, he was Captain Falcon most of the time.

But tonight... He was someone completely different; he was someone not Falcon.

"Welcome to Cafe Lé Falcon, wee wee." Kirby greeted them as he walked up to the table. The pink puffball had dressed up for the occasion; he was sporting a black bowtie on his chest. Probably the strangest part about it was the fact he was wearing what looked to be a black Lucas wig. Clearing his throat, Kirby tried using a terrible French accent. "How may I help you today, ho ho ho!"

All of a sudden, Samus changed. The happy and joyous expression on her face became dark, as if she was shielding herself. "Please stop, you're embarrassing yourself." Samus deadpanned, looking at her nails nonchalantly.

"Hey!" Bart frowned, looking at Samus with a confused expression. "Why'ya gotta be so rude?"

"Come on, even you admit that was a terrible accent." Samus rolled her eyes. "If I wanted French, we could've gone to Cafe Lè Wow."

Bart frowned at her change of demeanor. One second she had been talking casually, as if nothing bothered her, but in a heartbeat she had become stone cold like her usual attitude at the Mansion. Could it be because Kirby was a Smasher? If that was the case, that would actually answer a lot of questions.

Just as he was about to defend his friend, Mr. Game and Watch's words echoed to him: "A girl likes to be treated like a princess. Make sure you show her your upmost respect and the highest of dignities." Before he even knew he said it, Bart spoke.

"Agreed." Bart nodded nervously, looking back and forth between Samus and Kirby. The hero of Popstar flinched, causing him to immediately feel terrible. Samus, however, nodded, making Falcon feel a bit better, but it still didn't make up for the fact that Kirby looked dejected.

"Erm... sorry." Kirby sadly grabbed a piece of paper from hammerspace. "Today, we'll be serving a nice juicy steak, accompanied by some red buttered potatoes, and roasted asparagus with a delicate Dijon-lemon sauce. But first, we have two kinds drinks for you two. Today, we have some fine elegant fruit punch made with real pomegranates and pure cane sugar. Also, tap water I got out from the faucet. Your choice."

"I'll have the water please." Samus said dryly. "Bart?"

"I'll have the Fal—" He stopped, slapping a hand over his mouth as he realized what was happening.

"Hmm?" Kirby and Samus stared at him with confused expression lathered across their faces.

"The Fal— er, the Fal—" No matter how hard he tried, Bart couldn't say it without "falcon" slipping out.

"The Fal? The Fal what?" Kirby repeated obnoxiously.

"The Fa— The Falc—" Bart ground his teeth in frustration, his face completely red.

"You okay Bart?" Samus asked, concerned; this only made Bart angrier.

"Falc— F— Falco—" Giving up, he said, "The beverage that is the fruitiest, please."

"The punch?" Kirby frowned. "Why didn't you just say the punch?"

Falcon banged his head against the table. "Just get it for me please."

Casting a confused glance at the Smasher in disguise, Kirby walked away to retrieve their drinks, leaving an even more confused Samus to stared at her date.

"Bart? You okay?" She asked.

"Yep! Everything's fine!" Bart popped back up, scratching the back of his head. "Nothing's wrong here!"

"Umm... okay." Samus frowned, unsure of what had just happened. The two sat awkwardly; the only thing breaking the silence was Mr. Game and Watch's trumpet solo.

"Erm, so Samus," Bart recalled his training. "Tell me about yourself. What do you do? You know, besides the Smashing?"

The next fifteen minutes was actually quite relaxing. Quite frankly, just listening to someone else speak was satisfying to Falcon since he usually did all the talking, whether it was about his life or some gossip. Come to find out, Samus was a real estate agent, much to the surprise of Bart. Apparently she was just spending time in the run-down apartment until she had made enough money to move out. Falcon knew that Master Hand always offered free room and board to the Smashers back at the Mansion, but based off of what Samus was saying she really despised leeching off of others and rather take a bench than a couch.

Something that was really starting to annoy Bart was the fact Samus refused to be polite to any of her Smasher friends. Although the way she was acting, "friends" was a bit of an overstatement. It was more like "hated colleagues" in all honesty. Every time Kirby came over to the table, Samus would get that weird shielded expression on her face, and anything Bart would say to her afterwards would be dry and salty. Even worse was that Mr. Game and Watch's advice wasn't helping; he felt awful every time he agreed with Samus. Treating her like a princess wasn't helping at all. Quite frankly, after every overbearing comment that he made Samus would shift uncomfortably in her seat and Bart would scratch the back of his head. The racer in disguise knew he had to step up his game if he was to win her heart, or at least, make it through the night without looking like an idiot. It was a fifty-fifty shot.

"You must sell a lot of houses with a pretty face like yours." Bart said, trying to distract Samus from the awkward comment he had just made about her tight jumpsuit. Recalling Kirby's confidence advice, he leaned forward on the table, placed his hand under his chin, and winked, causing Samus to playfully roll her eyes. That gave Bart some of his confidence back.

"You think, huh." She said with a sigh, running her fingers lazily around the rim of her glass, causing it to make a slight high-pitched noise. "Smash takes up most of my free time and the real estate market is tough these days. I can't devote a lot to it because the only thing that really pays my rent is bounties. If I could get back in the bounty hunting game that would really help, but unfortunately a certain someone usually beats me to the punch these days..."

Bart gulped at the last sentence. Okay, Captain Falcon might have been on a capturing streak as of lately, arresting so many criminals that the SCPD could barely keep up. Quite frankly, the bounty hunter was having the time of his life between running The Falcon House, Smashing, and bounty hunting. Now that he thought about it, bounties were getting less plentiful...

"But hey, that's life, right?" Samus pulled Bart from his musings. "So what about you? Your life seems pretty straight forward. Just some nice guy running a coffee house."

"Well when you put it that way you make me seem mundane." Bart joked, taking a sip of his punch.

"Then tell me about yourself."

"Hmm..." Bart scratched his chin. "Let's see... You know that I used to race back in the day. And well... That's pretty much it."

"Come on, something?" Samus begged, taking a bite of some fresh spinach cranberry salad Kirby had placed in front of them. "Maybe about your personal life?"

"Well... I mean, I don't really do much outside of The Falcon House." The waiter realized with a frown. "Most of my time has been spent doing things like more work for work."

"Tell me about your racing career at least. What made you stop racing?"

"Oh, just an old racing accident." Bart explained, taking a sip of his punch. "I understeered going into a turn and counter-steered too hard and wrecked. I got so embarrassed that I just quit."

"Is that where you got that scar?" Samus asked, pointing to the cut over his left eye.

His face got dark. "No, I got that... somewhere else."

Samus raised an eyebrow, as if she was curious, but luckily for Bart she didn't press any further. "That's it for your racing career? Kinda anti-climatic."

"Yep, nothing else." He lied. "Heheh..."

"Hmm..." She shot him a look of cognition, unnerving the Smasher in disguise. "I have a feeling you're lying to me." Samus confronted him. "You're not telling me something."

"Nope, nothing else!" Bart was starting to sweat. He hadn't expected her to be so curious. "I'm good on that front. Hey, look, let's just change the conversation. So what's the deal with those Cucoo, am I right?"

"Bart, half of a relationship is knowing each other." Samus told him. "It's okay; whatever you're hiding I promise I'll be fine with it."

"No you won't..." Falcon mumbled to himself, patting his forehead with his napkin. Louder, he said, "Look, it's kinda private. I don't like talking about it." When she looked dejected, Bart quickly added, "It's not you, it's me! I mean, umm..."

"And your main course." Robin slid over to their table with two plates in hand. Giving a slight wink to Falcon, he said, "And here we have a ground beef steak cooked in wine, accompanied by some red roasted buttered potatoes and roasted asparagus with a delicate Dijon-lemon sauce."

"About time, Robin." Samus growled. There it was again, that same clouded look on her face, except this time she looked near to a implosion.

Robin looked unfazed by her comment, most likely built up from the bashings Falcon gave him; however, the peculiar owner looked uncomfortable at the moment, grabbing at his collar for more air. His skin was glistening with perspiration.

"Excuse me, m'lady," Robin said politely, trying to help his boss out, "but may I borrow your date for a moment? I have to ask him a question about dessert."

"No problem. Just leave me." Samus grumbled. With a shrug, Bart and Robin left the table to the kitchen.

"So how's it going?" Robin asked as he closed the door; Bart shut the bar top just to be on the safe side. "I can't hear a thing from in here."

"It's going well." Bart replied, although he didn't act like it was. "You nearly blew my cover when you made the drinks!"

"Hmm? Oh... Falcon Punch." Robin put his head into a free hand. "Gosh darn it, Bart. How was I supposed to know you couldn't say punch like a normal person?"

"When you've been saying a catch phrase for about twenty five years, you'll find that it's hard to not say those two words together!" Bart retorted, pointing his index finger as hard as he could.

"But what's the problem, really? You looked like you were about to lay an egg out there."

"Samus asked me about my racing career as Bart Lemming and I have no idea what to tell her."

"... You told her Bart races?"

"You were there! You heard me!"

"Calm down, you're making a racket." Robin peeked through the doorway out of the kitchen. Samus was sitting in her seat, staring off into space while she carelessly poked at her potatoes. "Look Bart, you can't go on like this. You got to tell her the truth."

"That I'm Captain Falcon? No way Boy Wonder!" Bart shook his head and crossed his arms. "That's what screwed me up the last time!"

Robin looked over at him with a look of understanding. "Bart, that's not what messed you up. It's the fact you—"

"Hey guys, how's it going?" Mr. Game and Watch said, walking into the room. Taking a water bottle out of the fridge, he took a huge gulp as if he had been parched for years. "Shulk is soloing, so I've got like ten minutes before I have to go back on stage."

"Good job Mr. G." encouraged Bart, patting his friend on the back. "Thanks so much for doing this for me."

"No problem!" He smiled, stretching his arms. "You guys make such a cute couple anyways."

"Thanks." Bart smiled, glad to receive his blessings. Secretly he had been worried that the Flatlander had been there to woo Samus's heart back, but it wasn't like the 2-D man had the time in between songs. It was a little comforting, but having the Flatlander's eyes (he had eyes, right?) gazed over him as he tried to win her hand was a little unnerving.

Robin cleared his throat loudly, trying to get his boss's attention. "Anyways, Bart, what I was trying to say was—"

"Hey, good job with being submissive!" Mr. Game and Watch interrupted. "I saw you agree with Samus a lot!"

"Thanks." Bart frowned, recalling all of the uncomfortable moments. "She hasn't threatened to chuck me onto a freeway once, which is always good. Although she's about to..."

"Hmm? What's the problem?" Mr. Game and Watch asked.

"Being submissive isn't... isn't really working. It just feels so... unnatural."

"Ha! Told you!" Kirby entered the kitchen carrying freshly washed dishes. "You got to be confident, Bart! For example, what does she like?" Whatever Bart was going to say, Kirby interrupted. "Great! Now take that, mold it, and lie your butt off!"

"You're asking me to lie to her?"

"We're not asking, we're telling you." Mr. Game and Watch said. "You seem to be desperate, and at this point anything's fair game.

"Make sure to use confidence." Kirby reminded him. "Really make sure you're selling it to her!"

"... How do you guys have girlfriends and I don't...?" Robin mumbled under his breath.

"Remember, confidence is the key!" Kirby said, rubbing Bart's muscular shoulders.

"Pish posh; he was doing just fine." Mr. Game and Watch rolled his eyes. "Get back out there, tiger!" With a quick goodbye, he pushed Bart out the door.

"Bart, you—" Robin smacked his forehead. "Gosh darn it..."

* * *

As Bart walked back to his seat, he really thought about their words._ Lying... _Captain Falcon was no stranger to lying; Bart Lemming was a living lie, for Pete's sake! Something inside him echoed, as if it was a lost beckon trying to guide him back to shore, but Falcon decided to ignore it. After last night, he couldn't dare to trust his intuition.

"Hey there Samus!" Bart slid back into his seat. "Sorry I was gone for a bit. I swear, kids these days don't know the difference between a whisker and a butter knife!"

"No worries." She sighed, sitting up. "You still never answered my question."

"Hmm? Oh yeah." Bart winced. "Umm... Well..."

"It's okay Bart." She said quietly. "You don't have to tell me."

"Oh thank Arceus." He gasped, a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders. But from the look on her face, Bart felt an even heavier burden replace it.

"Umm..." _Lie... How to lie... _"So how 'bout your Smasher friends, huh?" He smiled, leaning back in his chair cockily. "Bunch of jerks if I've ever seen them, huh?"

"What?" Samus looked taken by surprise, giving Bart even more confidence.

"Yeah, how about them? Mario? I heard he worked in the sewers of New York before he became the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom. And how about 'the King of Second Bananas?' I heard he can't even take a punch without crying to Master Hand."

"What are you—"

"And don't even get me started on Peach. I heard she snuck a jalapeño in Mario's curry once because he forgot Master Hand's birthday! And Link? What's his deal? I heard there's a ban on flower pots in the Mansion just because of his little fetish. Excuuuuuuseeee me princess! And I heard Dr. Mario's a drunk, Ness is a crybaby when he doesn't get to call his parents, ROB roams the halls and stares at people, and Ganondorf can't cook worth crap! What a bunch of losers."

Bart paused to take a deep breath, awkwardly heaving in the silence of the coffee house (minus Shulk's super long solo). Samus stared at the racer with a blank expression on her face. At first Falcon was confused, mainly because he had blacked out on what he had just said. Then his words hit him.

Everything he just said was true. The liar had forgotten to lie!

"Umm... Bart," Samus scratched her head awkwardly, as if she didn't know what he was trying to get at. "I know I don't treat them like I treat you, but I don't hate them. I'm just not comfortable with them."

_Oh crap... Lie... Lie..._

"But you've gotta admit, that Falcon guy is a piece of work." Bart grinned with his stupid confidence. "What weirdo wears tight yet fashionable clothing, flirts with every girl known to man, and says 'falcon' after every word, am I right? I'm surprised he can get anywhere without saying 'FALCON BREATH' every second! And how about his helmet eh? It looks like he bought it at a garage sale! And don't even get me started on those thighs!"

"... You hate Captain Falcon?"

"Well duh! Who doesn't?!"

"... You."

"What?!" Bart looked taken aback. "I do not!"

Samus placed her head in her free hand. "Then why the heck is there a lamp of him in your restaurant?"

Falcon froze in place. "Wait, what?"

"Is that not a statue of Captain Falcon in the back?" Samus deadpanned, pointing to the lamp by the stage.

"Umm..." In all honest, Bart had almost forgotten about the lamp he had placed there earlier in the day. The Smasher in disguise didn't even think about hiding it or moving it to his office, and he was quite surprised Robin hadn't touched it at all. He took a deep breath and nodded to his date, unsure of what to expect.

"I knew it: you're lying to me." Samus deadpanned, irritated. "Why else do you have a giant lamp of Captain Falcon in here?"

"Because, because..."

Kirby's advice echoed in his head, drowning out Mr. Game and Watch's voice. "Trust me Bart, be dominant and bold and you'll win her heart faster than King Dedede at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!"

"Because," Bart leaned forward in his chair, smiling. "Are you ready for this?" Getting up, Falcon walked over to the lamp version of himself. The band stopped playing, curious as to what was happening.

"This is dedicated to you, Samus." The Smasher in disguise announced, picking up the surprisingly light lamp and putting it above his head. "Are you ready for this?"

"What are you doing?" Samus said with a confused look. Even Robin and Kirby walked out of the kitchen to see what was going on.

Bart looked up at his beloved lamp. It was so young, so youthful, so majestic. In another life, it would be Falcon's prized possession, perhaps even save him in a certain scenario in which he needed a disguise. But that wasn't this universe.

"I'm sorry..." The Smasher in disguise whispered. With that, he slammed the lamp down against his "Knee of Justice," cracking it in half. Dropping it to the ground, Bart shed a single tear, staring at what was once the best thing he had ever heard of. Luckily, the dim lighting prevented Samus or anyone else from seeing his regret. Solemnly, Falcon walked back to his seat and pulled up to the table without a word.

"And... what was that for?" Samus raised an eyebrow, confused.

Bart cleared his throat, trying to recollect himself. "I heard you had trouble with Falcon the other night, and I just wanted to say that I support you." He spoke with confidence, but it broke his heart to say that. "That no goodie-two shoes won't get in your way again."

"... Thanks?" Samus guessed, scratching her head. Her flummoxed expression didn't help mend the Captain's broken heart. "I won't lie; living with the Smashers is unbearable sometimes, but I've never wanted to break Captain Falcon's back."

"Oh..." Now Bart just felt stupid.

"Look," Samus scratched her arm. "This date has kinda been uncomfortable for me, and I'm kinda getting the vibe that you are too." Bart froze, his heart beating faster than a thousand drums. "It's kinda late anyways, and I'm full and... Maybe I should just pay my half of the check and go..."

"No no!" Bart exclaimed. After he had come so far, he couldn't just let her slip though his fingers again! "Hey, wait a moment! At least let us dance just once!"

"I really should go..."

"Ah come on, Samus!" Bart pleaded, getting down on his knees to beg. "Even if you don't want to do this again, at least let us make this night rememberable! It's not often when a normal guy like me gets to date a Smasher, and I just can't stand the thought of leaving the dance floor so cold."

Samus looked hesitant, but after what felt to Falcon like forever she finally said, "Okay. One dance. But after that..."

"Trust me, you won't regret this!" Bart promised. He turned to the band, who was looking idle since he had broken the statue of Falcon. "Hit it guys!"

"Umm... What do you want us to play?" Mr. Game and Watch asked him.

"Anything you see fit!" Bart instructed, escorting his date to the wooden floor.

"My vote's on '_When I Was Your Man_.'" Sonic joked. Shulk elbowed him before rolling his eyes.

"Let's see," The Homs boy tapped his chin in thought. "I know the old and new version of '_All of Me,_' we've got '_Girl From Ipanema_,' I think I know '_Don't Get Around Much Anymore'..."_

"No." Mr. Game and Watch said flatly. "'_La Vie En Rose.'_"

"What?" Sonic said, frowning. "But you hate that song!"

"I'm just... really feeling it." Mr. Game and Watch said mysteriously. "I don't know why. I'm just really feeling it."

"Well, when a man has urges." Shulk shrugged. "You wanna sing it, I assume?"

"Sonic..." The hedgehog's ears perked up in surprise. "You sing it."

"What?!" Sonic, Shulk, and Diddy Kong exchanged confused glances.

"You're the better singer; you sing it."

"Are you really sure?" Sonic looked beyond surprised. This was coming from the guy who was trying so desperately to sing earlier. Now he was just forfeiting the role? Shrugging, Sonic took the mike, swapping the upright bass with Mr. Game and Watch. Without another word, the band began to play.

As Bart and Samus took the dance floor, the incognito bounty hunter offered his hand, which Samus accepted without a word. With their fingers intertwined in one hand and their other on each others hip, they began slowly dancing across the dance floor. It was obvious that they had both done this before; Falcon was leading excellently and Samus was following without a hiccup. Both stared into each others eyes, unwilling to look away. To Bart, this was as if she was breaking up with him forever, and he wanted to make this moment last for eternity so he could treasure it.

All of a sudden, Falcon felt a shiver rush down her arms. "You okay?" He asked, worried that he was making her uncomfortable.

"Yes." She murmured. "I... I just feel like I know this song."

"Really? I've never heard of this. Catchy though." Bart had never been this close to Samus before. It was kinda unnerving, but soothing at the same time. He just wished that he could press her up to his chest and kiss her right there and right then. She was so beautiful. Even when she was disgruntled she was still magnificent.

"You know how to dance." Samus pointed out. "I'm quite surprised."

"I know a thing or two about dancing." Falcon admitted, twirling her around before pulling her back in. "Break dancing, ballroom dancing, the Lindy Hop, ice dancing..."

She lightly chuckled. "This isn't one of your lies, is it?"

"Nope." Bart said truthfully. "I really know how to dance on ice skates."

That got another laugh. "You're a nice guy, Bart. I'm glad I got to know you a little bit more."

"Thanks Samus." He smiled. "Me too. You're probably one of the most interesting people I have ever met." She rolled her eyes, assuming that was a joke. "Seriously! A lot of characters come in The Falcon House. Young and old, traveling tourists and Smash City folks... But I've never met someone like you. You're smart, gorgeous, wonderful, and a great person. I wish this night could go on forever..."

"You're just saying that."

"No, I'm being honest! Samus, I wish I could know you better because you're the kind of gal I want to be with."

Samus smiled, blushing a little. "See, Bart? When you're... you... you..." She let go of her dance partner, shaking uncontrollably.

"Samus?" Falcon quickly grew concerned. "What's wrong?"

"I... I..." She looked like she couldn't move, memories rushing back to her. "I know this song... I..."

Then Sonic began to sing, and she broke down. Falling to the floor, her face was filled with tears and overflowing sadness. Falcon had never seen her like this; her emotions were so pure and exposed.

"Samus?" He cautiously reached out his hand. "Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," She briefly recollected herself, but not entirely. "I have to go."

"But Samus—"

"I HAVE TO GO!" She screamed. The words hurt like swords, and Bart felt as if he couldn't move. Samus stood up and dashed out the door, not even saying another word.

"No..." Bart whispered. "I blew it..."

* * *

It was about nine-thirty. After she had left, everybody had just decided to clean up. Bart was completely solemn; he cleaned up the table with a blank look on his face before retreating to his office with the lamp pieces. Robin didn't even hear his usual mumbling as he did it, just awestruck silence. As the tactician cleaned the last of the dishes, Kirby entered the room, his wig in his hand.

"I can't believe I blew it." Kirby said, throwing the wig away. "This is all my fault..."

"What?!" Robin raised his eyebrow in surprise. "Your fault?"

"Yeah. I shouldn't have told Bart to be so confident." He sighed, taking a seat on the countertop. "Maybe if... I don't know..."

"It's not your fault." Robin frowned, putting some more dish soap on his sponge. "That's the most ridiculous statement I've ever heard. Heck, you barely even went out there! If it was technically anybody's fault, it was Mr. Game and Watch's." As if on cue, the Flatlander entered the room.

"I know..." Mr. Game and Watch sighed. Based off his expression, he looked even more defeated than Bart. "I shouldn't have been such an idiot!" He took a seat next to Kirby, putting his face in his hands.

"I wasn't saying that it was your fault!" Robin clarified. "I just—"

"No, I did screw it up." Mr. Game and Watch interjected. "It was my job to make her happy, and I screwed it up. I screwed it up for both of them. I never knew she hated that song. Even my advice was crap; you heard him."

"Stop it you two!" Robin growled, throwing his sponge into the sink. "Just stop it! You're not helping it! Just because you guys look at dating from some extremist view doesn't mean that you're wrong! It just means you need to temper it out a little better! So you got your own opinions, well great! You're halfway there! Now find a happy meeting ground and charge on it."

"Wow." Mr. Game and Watch and Kirby looked surprise at his tenacity. "I can't believe you're still single." Kirby noted.

"Shut up." Angrily, Robin picked up his sponge and started scrubbing the plate again. Time passed by awkwardly, no one speaking except the hands of the clock. If anyone should be angry, it should have been Robin. After preparing a masterful three-course meal and just having to throw it away like that...

"The real question is what I'm supposed to do with this." Mr. Game and Watch sighed, holding something up. Robin froze when he saw it, a thousand thoughts running through his head.

"Where did you get that, Mr. G?" He asked, drying his hands quickly.

"I found it on the floor. She must have—" Robin dashed over and grabbed it from his hands, running out the kitchen doors as quickly as he could.

"Wait— Hey!"

.o0O0o.

It was completely dark when Robin slammed the door to Falcon's office open. He had actually never been in his office before, and he had no idea what to expect. Based off of what he had seen, he expected it to be in the same style as the rest of the restaurant: a metallic table with a red carpet and dry yellow walls. Or something extreme, like pictures of Captain Falcon coating the walls with racing trophies everywhere. But he never knew with Falcon; he was more than meets the eye.

Flipping on the light switch, Robin was amazed by what he saw. It was... homely, in all honesty. White speckled carpet furnished the floor; a forest of fibers flourished below his feet. Four dark oak bookshelves covered the north wall, displaying a multitude of literary classics. On the left wall stood what looked to be a vintage soda machine. Based off of the collection of dust accumulating over it, the tactician suspected he hadn't cleaned it in a long time. A shelf of trophies stood on a shelf in the corner, each displaying some sort of race car on top of it. One in particular caught Robin's eye: a silver trophy with a snowflake on top. Somehow, it felt familiar to him, but beyond that he couldn't place his finger on it.

And, of course, in the center of the room sat Captain Falcon himself, his head in his arms on an antique desk. The two pieces of the lamp rested on the floor next to him, still proudly saluting the ceiling. Robin cleared his throat, trying to get his boss's attention. When the racer looked up, the mage could see that his eyes were completely red (assumably from crying; he wouldn't dare say that allowed). His collar was popped up, and his bow tie was unwrapped, dangling from his neck like a dainty scarf.

"What do you want?" Bart's voice cracked, dry and arid. "Come to gloat?"

"Bart... Falcon." Robin closed the door and took a seat across from him. "That's not what—"

"Come here to galavant how I was wrong, huh?" Falcon grunted. "That I couldn't get a girl like Samus? I always knew you were petty."

"Stop that right now." Robin demanded. "Arguing isn't going to get you anywhere."

"And being nice will?" Bart let out a melancholy chortle. "Kid, I've been being nice for years. Twenty-six dates I've been nice. I've been outgoing. And look where that's gotten me? I'm an intergalactic bounty hunter running a coffee house in some famous city with a piece of paper and a mage with a sword so wavy Ruffles wants it patent back! I'm living the dream!" Bart paused, walking over to a mini fridge that he kept behind his desk. Pulling out a root beer, he took a long sip before continuing. "I'm just going to keep screwing up, aren't I?"

Robin took a second to make sure he was saying the right thing before continuing. "Falcon, you're right." Bart snorted, taking another sip of root beer. "No, seriously! You are as long as you keep doing what you're doing."

"Being nice?"

"No! Lying!"

"Hah. Kid, it's all I know how to do. Just look at me!" Bart held out his arms. "I'm a total lie! Bart Lemming, Douglas J. Falcon... You don't even know half of my identities!" He sighed again. "You don't even know who I really am."

"I do." Robin retorted, trying to motivate him. "I know that your name is Bart Lemming. You run a coffee shop. Your father was a professor on Io and you love helping people. I know that you race as Captain Falcon, an intergalactic bounty hunter and I know that you're the hero of Mute City. I know that you're a man of honor. Sure, you're goofy sometimes and sure, you're a little outgoing at first, but you have the best intentions in mind and the best hopes for all of us." Robin hesitated before continuing. "And you were also the first man who told me I could be someone."

"So?"

"So what I'm saying is that I know all of this about you Falcon. When you followed Kirby and Mr. Game and Watch's advice, you betrayed who you were. You want to know why you failed twenty-six times? It's because you were Falcon. You weren't Bart. You were that image everybody expected you to be, not who you really are. Don't you remember that dance with Samus? How you held her in your arms and stared into her eyes? That was the first time that night I saw you genuinely honest. That's the first time you were you all night. Falcon— no, Bart. You can still win her heart." Robin held out Samus's Screw Attack pendant, the item he had stolen from Mr. Game and Watch. "Go get her, sir."

Bart stared at the necklace for a long time, his face expressionless. After what felt like forever, he smiled his signature grin.

"I'm going to need a giant mat, a flatbed truck, and Mr. Game and Watch's phone. Also, a lot of Cranky Kong Glue for this lamp."

* * *

_DING DONG!_

The door swung open, revealing Samus. It was evident that she had been crying; her hair was frazzled from lying down and her cheeks had red streaks starting from her eyes. She had taken off her high heels, nearly bringing her down to Bart's height. In her arms was a black helmet that looked similar to her own for her Power Suit, except that the number "07" was printed on it. Her face was emotionless and cold, like the Samus he knew.

Well, that he used to know.

"May I come in?" Bart asked. When Samus stared blankly at him, he quickly added, "And before you say no, please... At least just tell me why you left."

Samus continued her cold stare for another minute. "Come in, Bart." She moved out of the way, opening her home to the F-Zero racer. Cautiously, he entered the apartment.

It was cramped and messy inside the one-room apartment. The only pieces of furniture were a rotting couch that barely looked like it could support its own cushions and a small table near the front door that housed the blue roses he had given her earlier that night. Bart took a seat on the couch, but the thing was so small and old that he felt like it would collapse under his weight at any second. Samus leaned against the opposite wall, her eyes closed deep in thought.

"Speak." She whispered so softly that Bart could barely make it out. The Smasher swallowed nervously, his hands shaking. This was it: make it or break it. Whatever he said would decide the fate of their relationship. After failing so many times, he knew that this was the moment where he could make it all up, for all of his missteps, his follies, his goofiness, and regain his honor. Taking a deep breath, he began.

"Samus... I haven't been honest with you. I haven't been honest with anyone really. My whole life has been spent lying to people about who and what I am. I've been lying ever since I got to Smash City. I couldn't even help it when I lied to you. It's just been so natural that I... I forgot who I was underneath all of those lies.

"But that changes now. I swear upon everything I have that tonight was the last time. There will not be a twenty-seventh time or a twenty-eighth time where I lie to another woman about who I truly am. I am Bart Lemming, not whatever someone wants me to be." He rubbed his face, lost in thought. "When we fall in love, it can be for the wrong reasons. But we just keep doing it over and over again, just pounding at the wall when the door is right next to us, hoping that special someone on the other side can hear us. We cheat and lie, that's how desperate we are for companionship. But you made me realize something tonight, Samus. It's that love isn't that easy. I can't just bang the wall over and over again. I gotta wrench that door open myself because it's what's inside of me that will let me in to your heart. I can't just expect you to love me. I gotta earn that right myself, and by gosh, if I have to walk five-hundred miles or fight the Koopa King just to make you understand how much I care about you, then by golly, I'll do it. I once said to Kirby that I would sack everything for a relationship as dedicated and as loving as his, and I meant every word of it. So if my future isn't with you, I want you to know that I'll never forget what you've shown me tonight. I want you to know that I'll never stop caring for you, and for that... I can't explain it..."

"I can." Samus murmured unexpectedly; Bart shifted in surprise. Hesitantly, as if she was not sure about what she was going to say, she asked, "Will you promise me that what I'm about to say is between me and you?"

"I give my word as a gentleman."

"I've... I've felt that way before too. When I was much younger..."

* * *

_Many years ago..._

* * *

"The threat has been eliminated." Samus reported. "The planet is at peace for now, and S.T.E.A.M. is making the necessary requirements for meetings with the Federation. We should be arriving there in a few minutes."

"Good." Adam Malkovich nodded, reading the mission report. They were in his office after Samus's recent mission for a debriefing, but something felt off. Adam barely acknowledged her on a regular basis, so the fact he called her in was quite unusual. "You did well, lady."

Samus froze, curling her fingers into a fist. She hated when he called her "lady," as if she was some sort of liability.

"I just piloted the ship." She grumbled, crossing her arms. "Speaking of which, when will I get to go on a real mission?"

"Soon." Adam promised, although it didn't seem like he actually planned to anytime soon. "So lady..." He yawned, putting down the pad and staring into her eyes. "What do you do in your spare time?"

"What?" She took a step back in surprise.

"Don't be so melodramatic." He said casually. "Come on, I won't tell anyone. I've always suspected you enjoy racquetball."

"I... I don't."

"You don't like racquetball?"

"Like free time. I spend it training, getting better. I also don't like racquetball."

"It's fun." Adam informed her, stretching his arms. "You should try it. It'll improve your aim."

"Is there a point to this, sir?" Samus growled, tapping her foot impatiently. This was starting to freak her out, mainly because Adam was usually so cold and distant to her. Seeing him so happy and carefree unnerved her a bit, and she wanted to leave as soon as she could. But for some strange reason, she couldn't bring herself to leave his sight.

"Nope." Adam stood up, shaking his legs to get blood flowing back into them. "Sorry, I've been sitting down all day. Say, you wanna dance?" His eyebrows rose in curiosity. "Computer, find a song, a good slow song. Maybe something with a little 'pazazz.'"

"Acknowledged." The robotic voice replied. "Searching database for 'pazazz.'"

"Come on lady," Adam motioned her over with his hand. "Have a dance with me."

"I... I rather not." She responded, fumbling over her words. "I... I should go."

"Don't make me pull the rank card, lady." Adam said firmly. "I'm going to dance one way or another, and I prefer not to be lonely."

Turning around, she growled though clenched teeth, "I don't know how to dance."

"Good; I'll show you." He walked up to her and grabbed her hands. "Computer, play song."

"Certainly." A slow, smooth tune came playing over the speakers of the office, filling the room with its joyous rhythm.

"Huh, '_La Vie En Rose._'" Adam smiled. "One of my favorites. You listen to music much, lady?"

"No, not usually." She deadpanned, concentrating on "dancing" more than the actual music.

"Come on, relax." He told her. "You're so robotic and stiff. I might as well be dancing with a broom! You need to follow the beat of the music."

"I am too."

"No you're not."

"Look!" She started moving faster, as if to prove her point.

"Hey, I'm leading here!" He said, a light jest in his voice. He twirled her away and pulled her back in, as if to prove his point. "And you're still not following the beat."

"Yes I am!" Samus laughed, slowing back down. She had to admit, the music was quite enjoyable when she really listened to it.

"Ah ha! Now you get it!" Adam's eyes twinkled. "Nice and slow, just like this. You're doing fine. Feel it, don't just copy me."

"You're not the best lead though." Samus jested back.

"Dancing or commanding?"

"Both."

"Ouch, that burns." The two continued for a minute, letting themselves be enveloped by the music.

"Do you do this to all of your female officers?" She joked.

"All the pretty ones." He replied, making Samus blush. "Or at least the ones that are about my height."

"You're shorter than me!" Samus shot back.

"You're taller than me! I can point out the obvious too."

"Shut up!" She laughed. "I assume this is a— Woah!" Samus tripped, falling into Adam's arms. "I'm sorry, these stupid high heels make it impossible to do anything."

"It's okay lad—" He stopped when she looked up at him. "I mean, Samus." Both were breathing heavily, and time seemed to freeze as they locked eyes. The music was halted in time, capturing them in the moment. Not one dared to speak, worried that they would ruin the fragile silence.

Adam was close to her. Samus felt that if he were to lean any closer she could just reach up and kis—

"Commander." A voice over the intercom sounded. "We're in transmission range. A man named Abraham Lincoln— wait, seriously?— wants to speak with you."

Adam hesitated a long time before saying, "I'm on my way." Helping Samus to her feet, he left the room, leaving her with the music.

* * *

"That was... the first time I felt that way." Samus said. She had broken out into tears during the middle of it, but they didn't even seem to deter her from the story. "And when he died, I broke. I swore that I wouldn't let anyone be so close to me again. And that's what I've been doing ever since I got to Smash City. To other people, to the Smashers... And even to myself. You think you're the only one with secrets, but I've been holding that one in for years." She sighed. "I had the chance at true love, and I blew it."

Now everything made sense. The way she treated the other Smashers, why she was so cold and distant, even why she hated music. But there was still one important question that needed to be answered.

"But then... Why me?" Bart asked. "Why me out of everybody you've ever met? You dated Falcon, but that ended before it even began!"

"Because he's just like you, Bart." She deadpanned. "A liar. A cheater. There's no hope for that man. But when we first met, Bart, I felt something. You were honest for Pete's sake! You were genuine. You helped a random girl out on a cold morning and didn't ask for anything else in return. And when you lied, I just didn't want to be with another Falcon again. I got afraid from what you were acting like. But when we danced... When you pressed me to your heart and you told me the truth... I felt that way I did all those nights ago. I went out with you because you were better than any man I've met out here." Samus took a deep breath, on the verge of tears again. "And I blew it."

"No, I blew it!" Bart argued, coming up to her side. He patted her on the back, unsure of what else to do. "I'm the one who really lied and screwed up. You just had to cope with a difficult situation. I'm the monster that screwed you up and made you relive all that pain."

Samus looked up at him, a slight smile on her face. "You're a good man, Bart. I wish there was more people like you."

"There are. You just gotta let them into your life." Remembering why he was here, he pulled out her necklace and placed it back in her hands. "You dropped this back at my place."

"... Adam gave that to me." She whispered softly, staring at it for the longest time. All of a sudden, she hugged him, holding him tightly. "Thank you, Bart. Falcon could learn a thing of two from you."

"Yeah, I know..." He mumbled, returning the hug. When they let go, he said, "There's one last thing I need to show you." He motioned towards the door, a love struck grin on his face. Samus raised her eyebrow curiously, but didn't say a word as she followed him out the door.

"You guys ready?" He called over the balcony; Samus gasped in surprise. Below in the parking lot, Mr. Game and Watch had reassembled the band, even moving the stage platform over. Robin and Kirby had rolled out a giant wooden textured mat over the mostly empty parking lot below. The tactician stood nearby the makeshift stage, using his spells to create floating bright orbs around the dance area. Kirby was busy inviting people out of the apartment building into their newly made dance parlor (partially for the added effect, partially to avoid any calls to the police about noise disturbance). Bart turned to Samus, extending his hand.

"I promised you a dance." He smiled. "Will you accept?"

They didn't have to speak to each other the rest of the night.

* * *

**A/N: I was so nervous about this chapter! I think it turned out all right... Right? For those curious, I'm going to put up a link to the song _La Vie En Rose_ on my profile page just in case you want to hear it, or you can search it up. It's one of my favorite love songs if not my favorite (_All That I Needed Was You _comes in a close tie...) Copyright law prevents me from typing in any lyrics into my fanfiction, but we can just imagine that the song was in the background. NO LIMITS ON IMAGINATION!**

**Anyways, if you haven't read my profile page, this story is going on a short hiatus while I write my contest entries for my upcoming contests. I still got plenty of ideas in store for this (got a page full of them. Next chapter will bring The Falcon House back to it's roots... But with an added twist ;) ), but after I'm done with my contest stuff I got to write the next chapter of Alone Together because I've been avoiding that for too long and start my summer mystery event Seven Struck the Hour, which I'm debating on holding off due to lack of time. The Falcon House isn't dead, just pushed to the side. I've been so stressed these past couple of weeks I've been talking to a pink box for human companionship (Her name is CC. Respect her). Anyways, while I get my life together, I'm going to pull up some recommendations for stories on my profile page so you guys don't get bored waiting for me to get the next chapter out. They're all Smash stories I've read (mostly completed stories), but I think you'll love it just as much as I do. Give them some love and support.**

**Also, thanks so much for the people giving me support behind this story! I would gather your names up and thank you here, but I'm writing this at midnight and I need to get some sleep. I've been meaning to return to the Chapter Heroes section like in Chapter 5 (that was Chapter 5, right?), but again, I haven't had the time. I'll try to do that this weekend so you get credit where credit is due, because you deserve it. For now, just know that you guys make me smile everytime you leave a review, and I really appreciate you're commentary, whether it be positive or negative. Seriously guys, thanks so much for keeping me in the writing world, because who knows what I'd be doing if not writing... Maybe even something like... Combat Juggling (shivers).**

**Anyways, I'm off to study for my AP tests! Wish me a swift and painless death! Until next time, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a great week!**

**P.S. I know in this chapter I said I would start an overall story arc. I kinda did, but the real mucacho starts next chapter. This is kinda the start of the arc.**

**P.S.S. And for those who know more about Adam in the games... Yes, I will address that later, but not now. And for that one scene in Metroid: Other M where Samus says Adam was like a father to her, I say this: based off of everything I have researched and read, there is no way this point of view is consistent with her character. And if you still don't agree with that... Electra complex?**

* * *

"Bart," Robin pulled his boss over to the side after Mr. Game and Watch had finished a song. "You do realize that you're going to have to tell her that you're Captain Falcon one day, right?"

"I know." He nodded, looking over at his date. "But that's not today."

"I'm just saying, be careful." Robin warned. "This never usually ends well. The sooner you tell her the truth, the better. If she ever finds out on her own..."

"Robin, I got this." Falcon reassured him. "What's the worst that could happen?"

* * *

**A/N: Also, I promised I would add this for a friend. Another ending I considered, but it turns out I'm too much of a sap.**

* * *

_DING DONG!_

Before Bart even had a chance to speak, Samus swung the door wide open.

"Sorry Bart," She said. "But I found a real man!" Shulk slid out from nowhere, embracing his new girlfriend.

"I'm really stealing it!"


	9. Chapter 9: Hogan's Heroes

**On a dark hill somewhere deep in a cemetery, a gravestone stirs. Slowly, a hand, then a face, then a torso crawls out from the dirt. The man shakes his head, trying to recall the past few months.**

**"I'm alive!" He screams when he remembers. "I'M ALIVE!"**

**He turns to look at his gravestone, curious of what it has to say. Perhaps it would say something inspiring, or a personal quote about himself. But when he sees it, he frowns, his forehead slightly creased.**

**"Ah come on, my name isn't Circus Bread!"**

**A/N: This is a chapter that was seven months in the making. Can't wait for the September update!**

* * *

Chapter Nine: Hogan's Heroes

* * *

It was well known throughout the mansion that Luigi and Daisy weren't the closest of people, no matter how the news sensationalized them. They were like fire and ice to each other: Daisy had an upbeat tomboyish attitude and the will to take danger head on while Luigi was downcast and timid, always trying his hardest to avoid even the smallest of arguments when possible. Sure, the King of Second Bananas had a crush on her bigger than Captain Falcon's ego, but the feelings weren't reciprocated in any way.

You can imagine the surprise when both of them entered The Falcon House.

It was towards the end of summer, and business had finally started to slow down. The usually full seats were now empty after the lunch rush, promising an easy afternoon from there on out. It was hot and thick like a stew outside, and some stragglers from the street had decided to stop by The Falcon House to enjoy the free air conditioning and maybe a cup of lemonade or two. Not many of the tables were full, but there was enough for some light joyful chatter to fill the air. As Luigi approached the countertop he could see Mr. Game and Watch at over to the juice bar, mumbling to himself.

"Everybody orders lemonade around here." He heard the Flatlander say. "Lemonade this, lemonade that... This is a coffee house, you know. Someday someone's going to order some gosh darn coffee and I'm going to be there to serve it." He peeked his head through the bar top and cried out, "Robin! Where's the Southwest Soup?"

"One moment please!" The tactician replied, his voice muffled by distance. "I think there's someone at the countertop, by the way!"

"Hurry up, I don't have all day!" Wiping his hands on an unseen towel, Mr. Game and Watch walked over to Luigi. "Well hey there! Didn't see you at Game Night last week!"

"Sorry." Luigi apologized without hesitation. "How was it?"

"Excellent!" said Mr. Game and Watch, grabbing an order slip. "Dr. Mario is quite a roleplayer, by the way! Didn't know he had it in him! Anyways, what brings you to Smash Street: the coffee or the food?"

"Actually..." He motioned over to Daisy, who had taken a seat by the doorway. She looked normal, minus the huge black eye on her face. The princess of Sarasaland was obviously irritated, for her arms were crossed and the look on her face just embodied anger. By the look of her clothes, orange shorts and a yellow t-shirt, she had been exercising, but how she got that massive shiner was beyond Mr. Game and Watch. "Mario and I were in Smash Park playing tennis," Luigi explained, "when I hit an overhead too hard and it flew over the fence. And... apparently it hit her in the eye."

"Ouch." Mr. Game and Watch flinched. "One moment." He grabbed a small plastic bag out from under the countertop and moseyed over back to the kitchen. A couple seconds later, he returned with a makeshift ice-pack. "Here you go; this should to the trick."

"Thanks Mr. G." Luigi looked anxious, constantly looking over the Flatlander's shoulder as if someone behind him was speaking. He ground his teeth nervously, obviously concentrating on something.

"Can I help you any," Mr. Game and Watch finally asked, "or is the wall doing something amazing right now?"

"Right... right..." Luigi snapped back into reality, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "Umm... I know this is a weird question, but is Bart here?"

"Bart?" If he had an eyebrow, the Flatlander would've raised it. "What do you want him for?"

"Umm..." Luigi looked beyond embarrassed, not daring to meet the Flatlander's eyes. "You see... word has it Bart can fix any relationship. Kirby's testified for it, Pac-Man has testified for it, even Samus is going out with him! I was kinda hoping he could help me... you know, get Daisy, but I guess that's too farfetched."

A pang of sympathy hit the Flatlander in the heart. "I hate to tell you this, but he's gone." He told him. "He said something about his drivers license, but he told me he'll be back later. If you stick around for a while, you might catch him."

"You think so?" Luigi looked excited, his eyes twinkling with hope.

"Sure; anything's possible." Mr. Game and Watch shrugged. "It's a little past lunch, but you might as well stay here for a bite. I'll get you a nice frozen drink; how does that sound?"

Luigi smiled, grateful for his friend's advice. "Fantastic! I'll run this over to Daisy and be back here in a jiffy!"

Before he could run off, Mr. Game and Watch quickly interjected, "Wait, what do you want to drink?" He leaned forward, intensely staring at the plumber.

"Hmm..." Luigi took a quick glance at the menu. "A frozen lemonade sounds good. It'll hit just the spot!" He didn't catch the Flatlander's disgruntled expression. "Thanks again!" With that, he dashed away.

"... Screw lemonade." Mr. Game and Watch grumbled, snatching a paper cup and preparing the mixer. "One day..."

* * *

As Captain Falcon, he was free to roam the streets, fighting crime at high speeds to deliver his "Knee of Justice" to evildoers.

As Bart Lemming, he needed a license to roam the streets, driving to Smash Mart under the speed limit to deliver his money to cashiers.

You can imagine the distinction.

Bart Lemming entered the doors of the Department of Motor Vehicles (or DMV); he could feel the depression and angst of the customers aligned in the pale blue seats. It wasn't helping that the air conditioning was on full blast, making the transition from the arid heat outside to the icebox gray room inside almost breathtaking. Bart wrapped his jacket closer around himself, his teeth jittering like a cooler full of ice. The DMV was as depressing as it sounded: bleak walls, gray carpet, and a mood that literally felt like the life was being sucked out of you. Barely anyone was there, so Bart breezily walked up to the front desk to retrieve his paperwork.

"Hello sir." He said politely. "I'm here to renew my— Falco?"

"Yeah yeah, what'dya want." The avian Smasher looked up from his newspaper with a malcontent expression. He was leaning back in his chair with his legs crossed on his desk. "Let me guess: another fanboy."

Bart just stood there like an idiot, his mouth slightly agape. "What are you doing here?"

Out of all the people he would have expected to be here, Falco had fallen among the last. Falcon and Falco weren't the closest of friends, but they weren't bitter rivals either. They were more of "acquaintances" in reality. Sure, they had been there since Melee, and sure, by then he should've gotten to know everybody better by now, but in truth they just never had a reason to sit down together and talk. And anyways, when asked about his day life, Falco was usually known to keep quiet, making a snarky comment before leaving. Bart just didn't expect it to be so... mundane.

"Personally, I prefer the air." Falco yawned, stretching his wings. "But not everybody can get million dollar jobs around here, mister. What'dya want."

"I'm here to renew my drivers license." He told him. Lazily, Falco reached over and plopped a pile of documents in front of Bart.

"Fill it out, turn it in." The anthropomorphic bird told him, returning to his paper. "Move along now."

"I need somewhere to write." Bart told him, scratching the back of his head. "There are no desks in here."

Falco let out another groan, pointing to a room behind the countertop. "There's some desks in the back. Just don't disturb anyone, okay?"

"Thank you, sir." The waiter nodded, picking up the packet and taking off. He paused beside Falco, his eyebrow raised. "I thought you worked for Fox's mail company."

"I did." The avian sighed, almost regretfully. "I quit because I didn't want to work at someplace called 'Star Fax' anymore. Wait, how did you know that?"

"Umm... Just a guess." Falcon lied, quickening his pace to the room. Falco watched with a blasé expression as the Smasher in disguise dashed to the door and slammed it shut; the avian could see sweat visibly pouring down his neck.

"Idiots." Falco mumbled, returning to his paper. "They're all idiots.

* * *

"Umm... Mr. Game and Watch?"

"Yes Robin?"

"Who are those people?" Robin pointed to the three men working outside of The Falcon House, nailing black curtains to the large frontal windows.

"Oh, that's Hogan's Home Furnishing." Mr. Game and Watch told him, finally pouring a cup of coffee for himself. "They're installing curtains for our windows."

"I got that." Robin nodded, his eyes still wide. "But why are they installing the curtains outside The Falcon House instead of inside?"

"Dunno." Mr. Game and Watch shrugged. "Say, afterwards do you wanna grab some dinner by—"

"Okay, here's an even more important question: did Bart send these men?"

"I think he did." The Flatlander rubbed his chin. "At least, they told me he did. Say, did Falcon ever talk to you about the time he got murder—"

"Mr. Game and Watch." Robin interrupted firmly as he turned towards his two-dimensional friend. "You're telling me that men that may or may not have permission are installing huge curtains outside The Falcon House where we can't reach it, and you didn't question them?"

"Did I do something wrong?" Mr. Game and Watch frowned. "I don't think I did."

It was well known that Mr. Game and Watch didn't have a great concept of good and evil. Most of what he knew had been learned through numerous lessons and stories by the Smashers in an attempt to make him "normalized" and less prone to scams. The Flatlander, however, was still susceptible to many of the misdeeds of the world, so Robin's mistrust of these mysterious workers was well justified.

Mainly because a couple of seconds later they busted through the door with Super Scopes.

"FREEZE! THIS IS A HOSTAGE SITUATION!" The front one screamed, pointing the gun around like a crazy madman. He was tall and lanky, dressed in a trench coat and a black fedora. As he spoke, a strong stench of alcohol rattled off of him, his broad chin moving up and down almost comically.

"Hey Barry," The second one said in a thick accent, standing right next to him. He was shorter and stockier than the other two, and he looked as if he could tear apart the room in an instant. He was dressed in a black tuxedo, sporting a similar fedora as the first one. "You going to do something or should I start the firefight?"

"What did I tell you, Carlos?" Barry growled. "Address me by my codename!"

"Yes Mister B Barry!" The third one said. Unlike his counterparts, his face was very tan and long, an almost stupid expression stapled on. As he spoke, he adjusted his black leather jacket, dropping his Scope in the process. "Oopsie, my bad."

"It's just B, Andrew— oh gosh darn it!" Barry stomped his foot angrily on the ground. "How am I supposed to get away with you idiots?!"

"You hired him, not my problem." Carlos growled. "I'm only here for the cash."

"Shutyatrap and start searching the place!" Barry barked, snapping the other two to attention. Loudly, the gangster said, "Who's in charge of this dump?"

Behind the countertop, Robin and Mr. Game and Watch exchanged worried glances.

"Stand up." Mr. Game and Watch immediately deadpanned.

Robin tilted his head in surprise at the Flatlander. "You have seniority over me— wait, were you just going to sacrifice me to a bunch of mobsters?!"

"Pfft... No..."

"On da count of three, I'mma gonna blow this place to high heavens if you don't pop out." Barry commanded. The other two gangsters looked around the room menacingly and charged their Super Scopes.

"Robin, do something!" said Mr. Game and Watch in a panicked tone.

"What the heck am I supposed to do?" replied the equally nervous mage.

"One!" He counted.

"One of us has to confess or they're going to kill us!"

"You got us into this mess! You turn yourself over!"

"Two!" Barry's voice got angrier as it went along.

"Robin, now!"

"Mr. Game and Watch!"

"THREE!"

"Hey hey hey!" Mr. Game and Watch stood up and pointed towards Robin, "I got your man right here, just don't shoot!"

"What the heck are you doing?!" breathed a frightened Robin. "Mr. Game and Watch!"

"Sorry mate." The Flatlander shrugged sheepishly. "The needs of the many..."

"Thank you, kind sir." Barry smiled, pointing at his men to go retrieve Robin. "I appreciate your honesty." To his friends, he said, "Take him too, just for insurance."

"Yes sir, Mr. B Barry!" Andrew nodded blindly, walking over with Carlos and apprehending the Smashers. "Where's the getaway vehicle?"

"We stay here until further notice." Barry ordered. "Take them to the back room and tie them up."

"What, are you crazy?" said Carlos. "The cops will be all over our butts before we know it!"

"Do what I say!" The tall mobster commanded. The other two men jumped at the sound of his booming voice and dashed away, eager to please their boss. Barry sighed before turning towards the window.

"Five million dollars for this guy." He chuckled silently to himself. "Five million! I'm gonna be richer than Wario when I'm done with this joint!"

.o0O0o.

The back room of The Falcon House wasn't glamorous, far from it, in fact (then again, if the back room of any house was the centerpiece someone has got some cleaning issues). Boxes upon boxes of random things piled up along the walls of the surprisingly large room. The cyan carpet with matching fluorescent lightbulbs overhead differentiated from the usual yellow and brown color scheme of the rest of the building. Robin had always assumed that Bart bought this place and remodeled it from an older building, but whether that was true he had no idea.

As Robin was pushed to the floor, he couldn't help but cast a disgruntled look at Mr. Game and Watch. The rat sold him out, for Pete's sake! What the heck was that?! It wasn't even like he was actually in charge; Mr. Game and Watch usually took over while Bart was away! Whatever respect the Ylissen had for the two-dimensional blunder had instantly vanished to be replaced by mixed emotions of both frustration and confusion.

"Andrew, tie them up." Carlos growled, throwing his fellow ally some hempen rope. "You head back to Barry and help him keep watch."

"Why does Mr. Bossman wanna wait for the cops, Mr. Carlos?" asked Andrew, his simpleton demeanor easily personifying everybody's confusion.

"Go back to the front." glowered Carlos, stomping his foot on the ground. "Barry don't have to explain nuthin' unless he wants to! Got me?"

"Yes, Mr. Carlos..." After tightly tying the employees up, Andrew waddled back to the entrance and closed the door behind him without another word. Carlos only shook his head as he pulled out a crossword puzzle.

"You two, keep quiet." He commanded. "One peep and I'll silence you both permanently; capeesh?"

"Yes Mr. Carlos sir." said Mr. Game and Watch sarcastically. Carlos only shot him an angry glance before starting on his puzzle.

"What the freaking heck, Mr. G?!" Robin immediately whispered to his counterpart.

"I panicked, okay?" defended Mr. Game and Watch. "What was I supposed to do, let those innocent people die?!"

"I understand that! I just don't understand why you said I was in charge!"

"I don't wanna die!"

"So you rather have me die?!" said Robin in surprise.

Immediately, Mr. Game and Watch shook his head rapidly. "That's not what I meant—"

"I don't know what else you could mean!" retorted Robin. "You were just about to sacrifice me to a bunch of mobsters without any resistance whatsoever!"

"Quiet over there!" Carlos barked, not looking up. "Or I shut it for ya!"

Robin and Mr. Game and Watch grew silent, eying each other with disdain in their eyes.

"You shouldn't have sold me out." Robin murmured to the chef.

"You rather have me die instead of you?" The Flatlander retorted. "I see how it is."

"Let's not tear each other apart till after we're out of here." said Robin, trying to retain the halcyon mood from earlier. "Hopefully Bart's finishing up."

"I've been meaning to ask," said Mr. Game and Watch. "Why does Bart need a driver's license? He walks to work with me every morning."

"Umm..." Robin rattled his brain, trying to come up with an excuse. "License aren't necessarily for driving, you know. They provide excellent ID cards as well."

"I guess..." The two-dimensional man looked unconvinced, but it was enough to keep him satisfied for now. Silently, Robin prayed Falcon was done by now and headed back over to deal with these "Hogan Hooligans."

"Come on, Bart," He mumbled under his breath. "Where the heck are you?"

* * *

"Psst... Hey, psst!"

"Umm..." Bart turned over his shoulder. "You don't have to whisper; we're the only ones in this room."

"Can you help me with question number one?"

"Umm..." He flipped to the front page of the document and scanned it as quickly as possible. "It's asking about your gender."

"And?"

The entrepreneur raised his eyebrow. "Are you a boy or a girl?"

"I don't know anymore!" Professor Oak put his face into his hands, exasperated. "It's been such a long day I don't even know if I care!"

"Umm..." Bart scratched the back of his head, unsure of what else to say. "You're a boy?"

"Thanks sir." Oak shook his head and check-marked the box. "While I have your attention, what's my grandson's name?"

"No clue."

"Just guess or something."

"Umm... Buttface?" Bart joked.

"Ah yes! Buttface!" Chuckling to himself, Oak scribbled down his answer.

Bart thought he was actually joking until Oak started walking out the door. "No, wait—"

SLAM!

"... What the heck is wrong with this city..."

.o0O0o.

"There you go!" smiled Bart, throwing his papers on Falco's desk. "Everything's filled out! Now if you could just so politely renew my—"

"It says here that the Judge wants you to retake the Driver's test." Falco pointed to his documents. "So you're a speedster, huh?"

It took a moment for Bart to realize what he was talking about. After all, it was only Captain Falcon that drove around Smash City; Bart walked to and from work everyday. The captain vaguely remembered a meeting with Master Hand a few weeks ago regarding something on his record. What was it? Falcon had been a pretty great driver the whole time—

Whole.

Hole.

Then it came crashing back to him. _The hole._

The huge gaping hole in Smash Mart from a few months earlier always came back to haunt him like King Boo. Every time he stopped in the huge superstore he always felt obligated to buy a few extra things, just to make up for that one day of panic. Sure, Master Hand had paid for repairs (and Falcon paid with his own personal funds), but every time he saw the gargantuan gap he felt moral ambiguity build up inside.

"Come on, Lemming." yawned Falco as he stood up. Grabbing a clipboard, he said, "You don't want to do this, I don't want to do this; let's just do this already and get it over with, okay?"

A few minutes later, human and avian sat inside a pale gray car driving casually around town, barely speaking to each other. Bart was concentrating on the road in reality, so he wasn't in a talkative mood. Falco was the same way, chewing on the end of his pen and barely paying attention to Bart's driving. Finally, the Smasher in disguise said, "Is everything okay sir?"

"Hmm?" Falco looked up. "What? Yeah, what's it to you?"

"I dunno." Bart shrugged. "You just seem kind of quiet."

"It's because I'm focused on my job, that's all."

"Really? I purposely missed my turn signal back there and you didn't even scratch anything on your clipboard."

Falco looked at his compatriot with a face full of cognition. "You're ~that Bart, aren't you?" He glowered. "The one who solves those relationship issues that I've been hearing about."

"The one and only."

"Bugger off; I don't need you." Falco looked back over to the window. "I'm perfectly fine the way I am."

"I'm no therapist, but you're not acting like what I've— er, your friends perceive you to be. You seemed distracted." When the Star Fox member didn't respond, he continued. "Is it about Fox? Mr. Game and Watch told me about an argument you two had."

A couple of days ago, Fox and Falco erupted into a huge fight. The mansion echoed with their voices in every single room of the house; it got so bad that Master Hand left his office to break it up. The two were as thick as thieves most of the time, so when they had stared yelling at each other it had come as a shock to everybody. Captain Falcon had heard about it through some of the older Smashers, but whereas his day job took him away for most of the time most of what he had heard was speculation and rumors.

"It was nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing." No response. "Look, Mr. Lombardi, you seem like a honest man. I don't mean to intrude, but you just look so unhappy. Don't you think it might be better to get it off your chest rather than hold it in?"

"Why would I tell a complete stranger my life?" said Falco rudely. "Why don't I tell you my social security number next and call it a day?"

"You know, be sarcastic all you want to be, but just because we've never met before doesn't mean I don't care." No response. "Fine; just tell me when you want to talk about it."

"Thanks, but no thanks." Falco told him, although it sounded more like he was telling that to himself. "I'm good."

Bart rolled his eyes and returned his concentration to the road. "Yes sir..."

* * *

Now Luigi was a simple man who lived by a simple set of rules: jump, run, and help whenever he could. It was the thought of his friends that kept him from dashing away at the nearest sign of trouble, not the fact that he was apart of the Mario family. Family was who he made it, and it just so happened to be that Mario was the best brother in the world.

Daisy was... something else.

"So this is what Peach feels like." She said, texting away on her phone with one hand while the ice pack was pressed against her eye with the other. "She tells me getting kidnapped all the time is terrifying, but I'm just bored."

"Hey! Hey you!" Barry angrily came marching up to the princess and snatched up her phone. "If there's one text on here about being kidnapped—"

"Please." The princess of Sarasaland rolled her eyes. "As if I'd text someone about this boring joint. Can you tell the waiter to hurry up with my lemonade?"

Barry raised an eyebrow, looking back and forth between Luigi and Daisy. Then he leaned forward and whispered in Luigi's ear: "You gotta lot of work cut out for ya, kid." With that, he walked away.

~Tell me about it... Luigi thought, putting his face in his free hand. Even though he liked her, the plumber did notice that she was self-centered, perhaps even more than Captain Falcon or King Dedede. Even now she was ignoring their captors, checking her looks in her pocket mirror.

"You know, Mario would've already gotten me out of here." said Daisy bluntly; Luigi flinched. "Did he tell you about the time he saved me? Of course he did; he's a sweetheart. So when's he coming, huh?"

"My brother is... preoccupied." Luigi murmured softly, trying to avoid eye contact. "You know, playing tennis, not being a hostage, all that jazz."

"Yeah, whatever." She yawned. "So why did you hit me in the face with a baseball, you jerk?"

"It was a tennis ball, and it was an accident." replied Luigi patiently. "I didn't mean to do it."

"I don't believe in accidents." Daisy told him. "I think everything happens for a reason. Is it because you're angry at me?"

"What?" This last comment took him a little by surprise. "Me? Angry at you? What for?"

"Dunno. Peach was telling me about some dumb mansion thing and mentioned you had the hurts for me or something." Daisy shrugged casually. "So I decided just to keep my distance, chillax and see the scenery. Didn't realize you'd act out on it."

"The hurts for you." Luigi sat for a moment, trying to figure out what Peach was saying. "The hurts... Wait, did she mean the hots?" The plumber slapped his hand over his mouth, horrified. ~Was Peach trying to tell her that I liked her?

"Hot what?" Daisy wasn't even paying attention. "It's hot outside, if that's what you mean."

"Nothing, nothing!" Luigi shook his head vigorously. "I said nothing." He looked over at his captors and flinched. "I promise: I'm not angry at you. It's... It's complicated."

"I hope it's not like the Hyrulian timeline because I swear every time Zelda tries to explain it to me I space out." Daisy finally looked up at the room. "Where's that Flatlander? I told him—"

"Excuse me," Luigi pipped up, tired of her outrageous demeanor. "Don't you—"

"What?" Her gaze burned into his like a blowtorch.

"... Nothing." Luigi looked away, his courage deflating like a basketball. Trying to distract himself, he mumbled. "I hope someone comes soon. It's not like the police to be so late..."

"Please," She reapplied the ice pack to her eye. "The police around here are useless. Who knows what the heck they're doing right now."

"Hey Mista B Barry!" Andrew came busting through the door like a loafing pig. "Da cops are here!"

"Excellent." said Barry, picking up his Super Scope. "Carlos gots the prize in the back, right?"

"Yes sir!" Andrew saluted. "They're tied up with my Super Duper Knot! No one's escaping that knot!"

"Good, good." Barry paused and looked around the room. Smiling, he pointed to Daisy. "Take that broad with us; let them know we need business."

"Yes sir, Mr. B Barry!" Andrew waddled over to Luigi's table, which made the plumber's heart sink into his chest.

"Hey, hey!" Daisy protested as the huge gangster picked her up. "Luigi! Do something!"

"Umm... Umm..." Luigi's eyes were huge, just staring at the scene in front of him in awe and disbelief. In the heat of the moment, the plumber stood up and slapped Andrew in the face. "No! Bad gangster!" He said firmly.

The room paused for a moment, staring at the Smasher. "... Did you just scold him like a dog?" Barry raised a vexed eyebrow. "You know what, never mind; Andrew, stuff him in the back with the rest of them."

"Wait, wait!" Before Luigi could react, the gangster punched him square in the face.

.o0O0o.

"So... I was wondering why nothing was getting done around." Luigi commented, looking at the other two Smashers he was tied up with. The plumber was now sporting a big black eye much like Daisy's on his face. "I guess we could call this the 'Smash Back Room.'"

"Shutyatrap, or I shut it for ya." Carlos snapped, struggling to finish his crossword puzzle. "Andrew, what's a Danish cheese that begins with the letter H?"

"Hungry?" Andrew mumbled, grabbing at his empty stomach. "When's we going to grab some grub, Mr. Carlos? I'm starving over here."

"We're in a restaurant; just steal some food out of the pantry." suggested Carlos. "Now scram!"

Andrew ducked his head before dashing out the door. Turning to the rest of them, Carlos mumbled, "You guys know a Danish cheese that starts with H?"

"Havarti." said Robin casually.

"Thanks." He scribbled down the word in the paper. "Perchance you know a sixteen letter word that means 'magic tricks for entertainment'? Last part is 'ion.'"

Robin thought about it for a moment. "'Prestidigitation.' Try that."

More scribbling. "Wow. That's it!" Carlos put down the paper. "I'm done! Thanks, Bart!"

"Hmm?" Robin raised his eyebrows. "My—"

"He's always happy to help!" Mr. Game and Watch talked over him quickly. The tactician cast a confused glance at his friend, but kept quiet.

"I'm hungry myself." Carlos rubbed his stomach. "I'm going check on Andrew; you stay here while I'm gone or your eyebrows are gettin' trimmed, okay?" With that, he hobbled over to the door and dashed towards their kitchen.

"Why did you say I was Bart?" asked Robin once he was sure enough that the gangster was far enough away.

"Hmm?" The Flatlander gave him a confused look. "I thought you knew?"

"Knew what?"

Mr. Game and Watch shrugged, as if it was obvious. "They're not after Bart; they're after you."

"What?!"

"Isn't it obvious? The first thing they ask for is who the owner of the restaurant is, right? When you took credit—"

"—When you forced me to take credit—"

"When you took credit, they assumed you were Bart." He explained. "Since they haven't left yet, they must be waiting for something, right? Well, they could've been long gone by now. So they must be after Robin, not Bart. After all," he added, "what could they possibly want with Bart? He's practically worth nothing!"

"Yeah..." Robin grumbled. "What could they want with Bart..." Louder, he said, "But what could they possibly want with me?"

"You were a former cop, right?"

"Forensic Scientist, but yes, I was."

"There's your answer." Mr. Game and Watch said. "You must have done something to tick them or whoever they're working for off. This is clear retaliation, in my opinion."

"How did you figure all of that out, Mr. Game and Watch?" Luigi asked, clearly impressed.

"What can I say?" The Flatlander shrugged. "I got a knack for mystery solving!"

"Heh... Only if you could get me to solve the mystery of why I love Daisy." Luigi hung his head down. "That'd be fantastic."

"You love that broad?" The Flatlander stated bluntly. "No detective's gonna solve that."

"Shucks." Luigi looked depressed, even more so than usual. Robin could see the disappointment on his face. "It's just that... This Bart guy seems like a really awesome love guru, and I thought that maybe..." He sighed. "I dunno. I mean, I want to go out with her, but I just hate her when I'm near her. But that makes me crazy for her all the same. I thought maybe Bart could help me out or something, but yeah, that's a little farfetched."

"Luigi, Bart isn't some Cupid." said Robin, twisting around in his bondage to look at his fellow Smasher. "Heck, what he says isn't always right too! Bart is a great guy, don't get me wrong, but Bart's also just a man. He makes mistakes. No one's that good. What Bart does to all these people who come to him is talk. He's an open ear to people who want to say what's on their mind. He makes you realize what you have to do to make things right. That's why he's so good: he makes you realize the potential you already had inside yourself. You just have to find that part of you, Luigi. Find what makes you love her, and you don't even need Bart."

"Wow." The plumber was shocked, staring at him with a grateful look. "That... that means a lot. Thanks, Robin."

"Wow." Mr. Game and Watch agreed. "Really surprise you don't have a girlfriend yet."

"MR. G!"

* * *

"Even if I did tell you what happened, how will I know you won't tell the world about our argument?" confronted Falco, who was still driving around with Bart. "What's my security?"

The Smasher in disguise sat there for a moment, contemplating deeply. "Nothing; it's called a leap of faith."

"Sounds awfully dangerous to me."

"You've taken down the evil Andross and you're claiming this is awfully dangerous?" Bart chuckled. "Sorry; I don't mean to poke fun."

"Well..." With a huge sigh, the avian conceded, "Fine. But you promise me you won't tell Robin or Mr. Game and Watch or any of your little Smasher friends, okay?"

"You have my word as a racer— er, chef."

Once again, Falco hesitated before saying "I told him I wanted to be back in action again."

"Wait... really?" Captain Falcon looked over at the anthropomorphic bird in surprise. "That's it? Kind of anti-climatic to ruin a friendship."

"Yep." Falco sighed. "I told him I was tired of waiting for action. The Lylat system hasn't been attacked in years— I mean, that's not a bad thing! I'm just tired of doing stupid stuff like waiting! I know in my heart that something bad is lurking around the corner, and I want to find it before it finds us. You dig?"

"I... Dig." nodded Bart slowly. "But what did he say?"

"Fox told me to stop looking for trouble where there wasn't any. He told me that I was just itching on my trigger finger and to relax. He told me that the days of violence around Lylat were over and that we should just help in anyway we could, even if it was so much as delivering a letter. I rebutted, naturally. He got angry. And it all went downhill from there." Falco sighed. "So yeah, I quit Star Fox and Star Fax. I told him when we would actually do something useful then I'd rejoin the team. The DMV isn't the highlight of my day, but it pays decently."

Bart felt sympathy for the bird. After all, out of everybody in the Mansion, Captain Falcon knew exactly what it was like to be out of action for too long. In honesty, the bounty hunter was itching to bust into the Mushroom Kingdom himself and take down a tyrant or two. But it wasn't as if Fox's point was mute. Heck, Bart might've argued for him!

"It just sounds like you want to help out," said Bart after a minute of contemplation. "but your idea just differs from Fox's. That's completely fine. Just because you have different opinions doesn't mean you should quit. Rather, that only means that you should be over there right now!"

"I don't follow."

"It's the idea that we all have different viewpoints on life that allows us to continue. If our minds weren't constantly expanding, constantly challenging old and new ideas, do you think anything would change? Heck, people still might get burned at the stake in the middle of the streets! Just because you and Fox have different views on how to spend your peace doesn't mean you should quit. It's the idea of vigilance, the idea that you're ready for the day that peace ends when Fox isn't. You need to be there to make sure Fox's vision doesn't cloud his judgement." Jokingly, he added, "You dig?"

"... I guess."

"That's the spirit! Now all you— no no no! Ah COME ON!"

Bart slammed on the brakes, causing the two Smashers to lurch forward in their seats. Directly in front of them on Smash Street was a police line blocking the entrance to (surprise surprise) The Falcon House. Officers practically stormed all over the area, writing notes and talking on their radios. In the center of it all, a single human man stood with his hands in his pockets, mumbling to himself.

"Of course I had to be the only officer on duty." grumbled Detective Dick Gumshoe, cleaning the scuff of his shoe. The detective was in his usual attire: a business suit covered in a long tan trench coat. Gumshoe was near his cop car, impatiently waiting for any signs of intent from the inside. "Why did Mr. Edgeworth have to send me into Smash City today?"

"What the heck is going on?!" demanded Bart, storming onto the premises. Shortly behind him, Falco followed.

"Hey, pal, this is a hostage situation!" said Gumshoe. "Stand back and let the professionals handle this. This ain't a joking matter!"

Bart was about to retort when Falco interjected, "I'm a Smasher; here's my credentials." He pulled out his badge and passed it to Gumshoe. "According to Smash City Law number 549, Smashers and allies who have no malicious intent and that are not on parole in the manor are allowed on the premises of all engaging crime-scenes. This is Bart's place, so he has a right to be here."

"Hmm..." Gumshoe stared long and hard at the badge. The detective looked concentrated, flipping through his notebook. Finally, he handed it back to Falco and said, "Yep, no clue if you're telling the truth or whether this is real. But you're a talking eagle; I think I can trust you."

"... I'm a falcon." murmured Falco, snatching his badge back up.

"Tomato, to-mah-toe," snapped Bart, waving them off. "What the heck is going on inside my restaurant?!"

"Well, Mr. Lemming," Gumshoe scratched the back of his head, "We have no idea. We got an anonymous tip that The Falcon House was under a hostage situation, so we ran here ASAP. Unfortunately, no one's come out—"

"Detective!" A voice called out. The three men whirled around. "Someone's coming out!" The police force immediately whipped out their guns and pointed them at the door, which was slowly creaking open. Bart caught his breath as he saw Barry step outside of his restaurant with his Super Scope pointed to Daisy's head.

"I'm here to talk to the man in charge of this joint!" The mobster spat. "One wrong move and the broad gets it!"

"I have a name you know!" Daisy retorted.

"Shutyatrap or my finger slips on the trigger!"

"I believe this is my cue." swallowed Gumshoe, grabbing at his collar. "Mr. Bird, Mr. Lemming, want to join me?"

"It's Falco..." He grumbled, fingering his holster. "And yes, we'd love to."

"Stand down!" Gumshoe called out to his officers; they obeyed. The trio started walking towards the mobster with meticulous steps in the tense hostile environment. Bart could practically taste his own blood pressure building up inside of himself for letting something horrible like this happen on his property. All this tension, all this inner rage... All because he crashed into a freaking building.

Man, he needed a better security system.

"Barry?" said a startled Gumshoe. "Is that you?"

"Well if it isn't Dick Gumshoe!" The mastermind laughed. "Didn't expect you to be leading this run down outfit!"

"Wait," interjected Falco. "You know this guy?"

"He was in my squad for a whole year before he got shipped to Quantico! Last I heard of him he was working at Hogan's Alley!"

"Hard times, pal," shrugged Barry. "Needed to switch teams."

"You didn't need to do anything you lyin'—" The two Smashers had to hold him back to prevent him from clobbering Barry. All the while the mobster stood with a huge smirk on his face, readjusting his grip on the Super Scope.

"Let go of me— let go I got it." Gumshoe managed to regain his composure, ripping himself from their grasp. "What do you want, you crook?"

"Leed." He deadpanned immediately. "I want to speak with Leed."

"Ha! As if the Commissioner would want to come down here to deal with the likes of you!" Gumshoe laughed. All of a sudden he stopped, his hand under his chin. "Wait, he's on vacation anyways. I couldn't find him even if I wanted to."

"Fine then." Barry paused for moment. If it wasn't for his strange demeanor, Bart would've given it a second thought, but... Falcon was used to reading people. For some reason, even though he was thinking, he felt as if he wasn't actually thinking. Almost as if he already knew who he wanted.

It felt like an act.

"Robin." He finally said. "I want Robin."

The three stared at him blankly. "I'm sorry, pal," said Gumshoe after a minute. "You got the wrong city. I think Robin's in Gotham—"

"Not that Robin, you twit!" Barry barked. "You know, that Smasher that works here! I want him!"

"Robin?" Falco raised his eyebrow. "What do you want him for?"

"I didn't come here to be asked questions!" Barry yelled angrily, readjusted his grip on the gun. "I said—"

In a flash, Daisy's hand grabbed the muzzle of the gun and slammed it up against his face. As the gangster wriggled in pain, Daisy took the weapon from him and slammed the butt of the gun into his leg. Barry could only cry out in pain as he came tumbling to the floor, a proud princess looming over him.

"Bet you didn't come here to get your butt handed to you by a girl either!" She smiled, tossing the gun to Falco. The avian quickly fumbled to grab it, just catching it by its handle. She turned around to Gumshoe. "Took ya long enough!"

"Sorry, ma'am..." Gumshoe scratched the back of his head. "No one called us because of those curtains..."

"Pish posh." She grunted. "I counted three people inside, including this nut job. Luigi, Robin, and Mr. Game and Watch are all in the back room." When they just continued to stare at her, she barked, "Whatdaya waiting for, the apocalypse? Go go go!"

"Man," grumbled Falco, watching as the police force stormed the restaurant, "and I thought Peach was bossy..."

* * *

"Can any of you reach a knife or something?" Robin asked, writhing in his bondage. "It's about time we escaped."

"Wait, we wanted to escape?" said Mr. Game and Watch. He stood up, the ropes falling at his feet. "Why didn't you say so?"

"But... what?" Luigi and Robin looked dumbstruck. "How did you—"

"It's actually quite simple." The Flatlander held up a knife made of Shadow Bugs. "Didn't I ever tell you I could make things with my body?"

"How long have you been sitting on that?" breathed Robin, standing up and stretching his arms. "We could've escaped hours ago!"

"I thought we were waiting on the cops." Mr. Game and Watch frowned. "No?"

"No."

"Oh..."

"Woah!" Luigi, as his timid and cautious nature demanded, had carefully decided to check the door. "Guys, the cops are storming the place! Looks like we don't have to do anything."

"But they don't know they're in the kitchen either." Robin realized. "Oh no..."

The sounds of gunshots rippled through the restaurant. Out of natural instinct, the Smashers ducked behind the boxes, terrified of what was happening.

"We got to take them out!" decided Mr. Game and Watch. "The kitchen is too heavily fortified!"

"What the heck is in the kitchen?" asked Luigi.

To this, the Flatlander shrugged. "Bart wanted to make sure it could survive a nuclear attack, so it may have a few grenades and missile launchers." He walked over to the wall and started knocking rapidly. "Robin, help me find the kitchen."

"It should be over here…" The tactician pointed over to the far end of the wall. "What are you going to do?"

"Simple," He smiled. "I'm going to break the third dimension."

* * *

"Yo, Mister Carlos!" Andrew slid underneath the countertop they were hiding behind. "I gots a hand grenade!"

Carlos raised his eyebrow as he stared at the hand grenade. "Between the blast doors and the Gatling gun, this place is certainly full of surprises." He peaked over the countertop, ducking just in time to avoid getting a haircut. "Okay: I'm going to pull down the countertop metal thing. While they waste their bullets, you set up the automatic turret I found in the pantry. Got it?"

"That won't be necessary, gentlemen." A voice suddenly said. To their horror, Mr. Game amd Watch walked through the back wall, holding a bucket in his hands. Without even thinking, the two goons turned their Super Scopes on the Flatlander and let loose their bullets. Mr. Game &amp; Watch simply held up the bucket, smiling as it slowly filled up with a mysterious 2D black substance. The men could only stare in horror as Mr. Game and Watch threw the bucket on top of them, covering them with the ooze.

"Ugh, what is this, Mr. Carlos?" cried Andrew, disgusted. "And why can I only see it from the side?"

"We call it oil." Replied Mr. Game and Watch. He made a stick out of Shadow Bugs and struck it against the table. The match ignited, brightening the room with a warm black flame.

In an eerie accent, he inquired, "So, kids, tell me: **_do you want to have a bad time?_**"

* * *

"To say the least, the day wrapped up pretty well.

"Unfortunately for Bart Lemming, he had to retake the test. Apparently stopping because your restaurant was under siege doesn't allow you to pull over the test instructor. Strangely, Falco quit the following day.

"Even more strange, the doors to Smash Mart were mysteriously repaired overnight.

"I never did figure out what happen between Mr. Game and Watch and Robin over their little dispute. Something about Robin overflowing with sodium chloride?"

"And what of Luigi and Daisy?"

"You sure you want to know about that Commissioner Leed? It's not that important. In fact, I sent it in my report."

"I want every single detail about the Smashers, Gumshoe. No matter how insignificant."

Gumshoe rubbed his head before putting his cell phone in his other hand. "Yes sir…"

* * *

"You see," Mr. Game and Watch explained. He, Robin, Falco, Luigi, and Bart were standing in a circle outside of the coffee shop, talking amongst themselves. They had recently been interviewed by the police and were waiting on Daisy. "Two-dimensional objects have length and width, while three-dimensional objects have length, width, and volume. While I have to exist on the plains of length and width, I do not exist on the plane of volume. Therefore, I can walk through walls and other neat tricks I don't tell you about."

"Then how aren't you falling through the floor right now?" asked Bart, scratching the back of his head.

"Master Hand." He explained. "He thought it might be useful if I had that ability."

"So you could be in the manor at anytime stalking us?" Falco shivered. "That's creepy, man."

"I don't abuse it!" He snapped back. "As the only representative of Flatland, I prefer to keep a certain level of professionalism. Anyways, you know I can't use it during a match. Or inside the manor. Or in the girl's locker roo—"

"Mathematical principles are confusing." Luigi held his head. "I'm just glad we're all out here in one piece."

Bart frowned. "I thought this was a scientific principle."

"Whatever. It's got something to do with—"

A scream was heard, causing the Smashers to whip around. Barry had somehow pushed down his guard and grabbed their gun, pointing it around at everybody. The cops reacted quickly, pulling out their pistols as well. Like the calculating sly criminal he had proven to be, he pushed Daisy down on the ground and pointed a gun to her head.

"Try to whack me with a pistol!" Barry smiled. Gumshoe tried reaching for his gun as well, but before he could the gangster said, "One more move and the broad gets it!"

"Serious déjà vu right now." Falco whispered to Bart. "Think we can get him from behind?"

"There's a wall behind him." He murmured. "You'd have to approach him from the side, front, or above."

"That building's too tall." Robin whispered. "None of us have the range to double jump that high. Luigi, any ideas?" When the Smasher didn't respond, he turned around. "Luigi?"

Out of natural instinct, Luigi had dove under the nearest cop car, quaking like a coward, but as soon as he heard his name, he turned around. "What?" He whined softly.

"Wait a second…" The tactician mumbled. His mind reeled with long-forgotten battle tactics he hadn't used in nearly two years. "Luigi! You can crawl your way over to him! He's standing right next to that SWAT van!"

Luigi shook his head rapidly. "I couldn't make it if I tried!"

"You have to, kid!" Bart barked. When Barry wasn't looking, he slid towards Luigi. "You're the quietest guy I know— er, have heard!"

"That's because everybody forgets I am here!" complained Luigi. "I'd just get Daisy shot…"

"Luigi, listen to me," Bart glanced up nervously, hoping the gangster hadn't noticed that he was gone. "I don't know your thoughts or problems or issues with the world. I don't know what you've done or what wrongs your committed. You're just a man, like me." Luigi froze at those words, looking at the strange man he had just met a few seconds earlier with peaked interest. "And it's because we're just men that we can do things that no one ever thought was imaginable. Save a world, slay a dragon, heck, even rescue a princess in distress. So listen to me when I say this: carpe diem. Seize the day, Luigi, seize the day!"

"BROWN JACKET, YELLOW SCARF!" They heard Barry cried out. "WHERE IS HE?"

Bart stood up cautiously from where he was standing, his hands up in the air. "Good," Barry grinned. "Walk back into your group of friends. Don't want any heroes today." To the rest of the cops, he yelled, "Guns out in the open, now!"

Gumshoe nodded to the rest of his force to obey. Barry turned to face the detective and smiled as he heard the guns pile up besides him, a glint of pride in his eyes. "Good. I want one of deez car and my gang. And probably the keys to these handcuffs. Once were out of the city limits, the broad will be released. Okay? "

"You're not going to get away with this, Barry." Gumshoe grumbled, tossing him the keys to his handcuffs. He paused for a moment, his eyes darting over behind the gangster before turning back to meet his gaze. "I'm not the one who's going to get you, but you're never getting out of the city without handcuffs on your wrists."

"Ha! Such confidence!" laughed the mobster. "I know I'm going to win this battle, but don't lie to me! You were always a try-hard, Gumshoe, even if you were an idiot. You probably are thinking up a plan as we speak."

"I'm not." Gumshoe admitted. With a smirk, he added, "But he is."

Luigi's arms came shooting out from shadows of the van, grabbing Barry's ankles. In a flash, the King of Second Bananas had pulled him to the floor and jumped on top of his prey, slapping him in the face wildly.

"NO! BAD GANGSTER!" The plumber screamed, his eyes closed and his arms swinging wildly.

.o0O0o.

It took about twelve cops to get him off of him.

Making sure to restrain every part of his body this time, now black-and-blue Barry was shoved into the back of the SWAT car, surrounded by an armed police force as he was taken away. Gumshoe let out a sigh of relief, putting his arms to his side as the three gangsters were driven away.

"Our of sight, out of mind." Gumshoe sighed. Turning around, he smiled at the Smashers. "I owe you one. All of you. California would be glad to have you in its finest, especially that rabid animal over there." He motioned over towards Luigi, who had gotten an ice pack for his throbbing fists. "Hopefully this doesn't happen again, Mr. Lemur."

"Lemming." Bart waved him off. "You know what, I don't care. Thank you for your service, Mr. Gumshoe."

"Please, call me Dick." He laughed. "I owe you guys that much."

"Thank you, Dick." Mr. Game and Watch nodded. "By the way… How did you know we were in trouble?"

"Dunno; anonymous tip." Gumshoe told him. "Looks like you guys have a guardian angel, heheh!"

"Yeah…" Mr. Game and Watch scratched the bottom of his chin. "Hmmm…"

* * *

"Luigi and Daisy, Detective Gumshoe. How did it end?"

"Oh, right…"

* * *

"Hey, that was pretty cool what you did there Luigi." Daisy came walking up to the brother of the world's most famous plumber. She took a seat next to him on the curb. "Saving me like that."

"Let me guess: Mario would've done it better." Luigi grumbled.

"No, I think you did it perfectly." Daisy laughed. "On your own. By yourself. It was really awesome."

Luigi blushed, scratching the back of his head. "Thanks Daisy." Strangely, he felt a sudden burst of confidence burst up inside of him. "You wanna grab dinner sometime? Just you and me?" The words were out of his mouth before he even knew he said them.

"Wow." Daisy looked taken aback with him. "Sure, hero. Er, I mean," she cleared her throat. "You did save my life. It's the least I can for you."

Even though Luigi felt slightly annoyed, he smiled anyways. "Thanks, Daisy. I mean it."

"It's no problem." For the first time that day, she smiled at him. "Luigi."

* * *

**A/N: And that… was a chapter probably not worth the wait. But hey, at least I posted it, eh? Oh well. I wasn't happy the way it turned out, but I think it's got it's highlights. I apologize if I haven't responded to anyone's reviews recently. I have been packed to my neck up in things, but that's still no excuse. I'm going to try and go back and figure out who I haven't responded to, but no promises. Tell me what you thought about this chapter, or don't. This time I know I'm able to respond! And until next time, have a fantastic day.**

* * *

Gumshoe had left out one thing in his report to the Commissioner, however.

"Hey, I didn't know you worked for the SCPD!" The detective exclaimed as he reviewed Robin's credentials. "Forensic Science too!"

"I used to work there fulltime," Robin told him, "before Leed had to kick me out."

"Huh." Gumshoe stared at him for a moment. "Thunder."

"Excuse me?"

"Thunder."

"Flash." Robin raised his eyebrows. "That's Commissioner Grosky's old code. How do you know that?"

Gumshoe made quick glances, making sure no one was looking. "This is for you." He whispered, passing him a manila envelope. "Detective Chemley got fired trying to get this out of the department. Told me anyone who knew the code word was trustable. Didn't think I'd find you this quickly."

"Fired?" Robin exclaimed. "But he's one of the best in the force!"

"We know." He handed Robin a card. "Find us when you figure out what's going on, okay? You'll know where to look."

Robin took it cautiously, sliding it and the card into his hammerspace pockets. "Thanks, Gumshoe."

"No, thank you." He nodded. "And one last thing."

"Yes?"

"Keep it secret. Keep it safe."

* * *

"HA!" Mr. Game and Watch cried out. "FINALLY! I have one order of coffee for a Mister... Buttface?"

A loud crash of dishes were heard inside of the kitchen; Bart scrambled to the doorway. Indeed, the Flatlander was handing a cup of coffee to a young man in a blue top and brown pants. The kid smiled, swiping his thumb across his nose.

"Smell ya later, losers!" He smiled, walking away towards the door. Mr. Game and Watch started whistling, passing Bart as he went by.

"What a nice young man." Bart heard him say.


	10. Chapter 10: Falcon House Shorts

**A/N: You were expecting a chapter today? TOO BAD, WALUIGI—**

**Nah.**

**I realized that I might've screwed up. Originally I was going to do another Waluigi chapter, but I felt like that was a cop out, especially since the Waluigi chapters are only two apart from each other (showing how much I haven't written in the past year, yikes). So instead of that, I decided to do this strange chapter.**

**A lot of my ideas never make it into print due to the fact there isn't enough content to actually make it a full chapter. So, instead, why not shove it into one? This is a collection of writings (technically rejected, but not really) that I've been culminating for a while now. So, without further ado, this mash pit.**

* * *

Chapter 10: Falcon House Shorts

* * *

Short #1: Date Night

Time: A few hours before Chapter 5

* * *

"So I said to him, 'What are you, my mother or my boat?'"

Rosalina and Mr. Game and Watch busted out laughing, their voices echoing in the Smash Mansion living room, one of the most popular hangout places for the Smashers in their free time. It was a wide and spacious den with three white couches set up in a u-shape around a oak coffee table. At the very end of the room, a huge wide-screen television gleamed over a nice gray stone fireplace. On the walls rows and rows of bookcases lined with movies and miscellaneous items brought a varied but homely feel to the vast room. The shaggy brown carpet below their bare feet tickled Rosalina as she rubbed her foot back and forth.

Mr. Game and Watch didn't usually talk much with... well, anyone besides the Old Schoolers (ROB, Mega Man, and Pac-Man), Bart, and Robin. But Rosalina was different. She openly invited him to sit with her and discuss a multitude of topics, and she seemed to intently listen to every word the Flatlander spoke. Due to her isolation on the Comet Observatory, she had been mostly ignorant of the developing cultures around her. Sure, she could observe them, but she never had a chance to interact. Mr. Game and Watch was the exact same way when he got here, so he took it upon himself to catch her up with the colloquialisms. In honesty, Mr. Game and Watch felt as if she had known him forever.

"Man, I haven't laughed like that in forever!" Mr. Game and Watch admitted, wiping away a black 2-D tear. Rosalina put her hand over her mouth as she giggled gently.

"Me either." She smiled a beautiful smile. "This 'The Falcon House' sure sounds like a wondrous place."

"Let me tell you, nothing dull ever happens in there." The Flatlander informed her. "There's been firefights, wedding proposals, talent shows... heck, tonight's Falcon Friday!"

"A 'Falcon Friday?'" Rosalina frowned in confusion. She leaned in closer with her eyebrow raised, obviously intrigued.

"Just something Bart and I came up with a couple of years back." Mr. Game and Watch explained. "We try to vary things up, keep the spice going when people come over so they never know what to expect. I think tonight's Date Night."

"A... date?" Rosalina looked confused. "Like the Julian Calendar?"

The Flatlander laughed, accompanied by a plethora of beeps. "No no, like a relationship date."

"Ahh. The engagement of two individuals in order to determine compatibility; a driving social custom between two brings who both express romantic interest in each other."

Mr. Game and Watch frowned, scratching his chin. "When you say it like that, it takes all the romance out of it. It's much more than that. Part of the fun of dating is just to learn about the other person, not just to discover whether they love each other or not. Although that is the driving force, there's a lot more behind it than that."

"Are you saying there are other kinds of relationships?" Rosalina asked, curiosity gleaming from her eyes.

"Well, there's platonic relationships, romantic relationships, regular everyday interactive relationships, so on and so forth. It just depends on the people going out together. Sometimes a date is just two friends hanging out together."

"And what would you rate our relationship?" She said abruptly, taking the Flatlander by surprise.

"Well... I've never sat down and thought about it, I guess." admitted Mr. Game and Watch.

The space princess had a genuine look on her face. "We could try this 'Date Night' and see." The Flatlander couldn't tell if she was hitting on him or not, but either way, he was fine with it.

"... Sure." He nodded. "Why not?"

"Great! It is a date then!" She giggled, holding her hand up to her mouth. "I'll get dressed into some appropriate clothing and we shall head towards this 'house of birds!'" Calling her Luma, she dashed away with a glint of happiness on her face.

"... Nice moves." Kirby commented, walking into the room. By the sweat on his forehead, Mr. Game and Watch deduced he had just finished a match. "You got game— no pun intended."

"Seriously, I have no idea what I do." He deadpanned honestly. "Is it the way I talk or something?"

"Nah, you're just honest." The hero of Popstar replied, plopping down next to him. "So what's this 'Date Night' thing you're taking Rosalina on?"

"Oh, just some sappy stuff that Bart and I put on." explained Mr. Game and Watch casually. "Candlelight dinner, dancing, light music, all that jazz. Why are you interested?"

"Jigglypuff has been asking for me to take her out to dinner." He commented with a thoughtful look in his eye. "I already like The Falcon House, so it wouldn't be too bad of a place. I might ask around, see if Mario wants to go too."

"I heard Dark Pit and Robyn are getting together." The Flatlander told him. "You might ask one of them as well. Might be interesting to see them together."

"Good idea." Kirby stood up and stretched his pink arms upwards. "Well, if I'm going on this thing, I might want to take a shower first. When do you want to meet up?"

"How about the front door, about seven-thirty?" Mr. Game and Watch shrugged. "It'll be plenty of time for us to walk over."

"That sounds great!" Kirby smiled. "See you then!"

"See you then!" Mr. Game and Watch waved to him as he left. The Flatlander sat down with a sigh, peacefully thinking to himself and how wonderful this was going to be, especially going with Rosalina. Out of all the things this week, this was certainly the highlight.

As the Flatlander dozed off, Pit scratched the back of his head, staring around the living room. The angel had been there the whole time, eavesdropping in on everybody's conversation with the greatest amount of teenage awkwardness. It wasn't like he meant to; he had been here first, waiting for everybody else to leave so he could watch The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. Now that Mr. Game and Watch was asleep on the couch, blocking his chances of grabbing the remote behind him, well...

With a sigh, he mumbled "Why does everybody have a girlfriend but me?"

* * *

Short #2: Captain Falcon

Time: After Chapter 8

* * *

"Hey Samus! Wait, Samus!"

Captain Falcon came sprinting down the hallway, just barely managing to catch up with his fellow bounty hunter. Samus shifted uncomfortably in her armor at the sight of the F-Zero racer, especially since a few nights ago this was the same dingus who had proposed to her.

"What do you want, Falcon?" She said quickly. "I have a match in a few minutes."

Falcon held up a finger, both of his hands on his knees. "Seriously, these hallways are like a baseball field long." He wiped the sweat off of his chin, which had leaked down from his forehead. "Woo, man. Who designed this place?"

"Hurry up…"

"Right! Er," Falcon stood up straight and scratched the back of his head. "I came here to apologize about the other night. Umm… I know it was sudden and kind of crazy, but I… you know."

Samus sighed again. "I forgive you, Douglas. You meant well, but trust me, the last thing anyone wants is to be proposed to on their first date."

"Right, yeah…" The fearless man in a jumpsuit popped his back before continuing. "I was thinking, you know, that we could try it again sometime? Maybe after your match?"

Samus was about to reject him when she realized there was a glint in his eyes. Although the crash helmet blocked them, the intergalactic agent realized that he knew more than what he was saying. "I have a boyfriend now: Bart Lemming. Sorry, but you missed out."

"Oh," Falcon drooped, his arms now hanging from his side. "That's… that's fine, I guess. I guess I'll see you around then."

"Yep." Samus was about to walk away when she had a sudden thought. "But you knew that, didn't you?"

"What?" Falcon jumped up in the air, surprised. "No, I… meh, I did." He gave her a thumbs up and his signature charismatic smile. "But hey, it was worth a try, huh?"

She was about to add something to that when the bell rang overhead. "Gotta dash."

"See you around, Samus." He saluted her before running down the hallway again at record breaking speeds. As the bounty hunter watched him, she couldn't shake this feeling of déjà vu. Something about the whole conversation felt fishy, and honestly, she didn't know what it was.

"See you around, Douglas…"

* * *

Short #3: Valentine's Day

Date: February 14th, 2016

* * *

"You want me to do what now."

"It's simple, Pit, don't overreact. Just let me eat you."

Kirby and Pit were sitting inside of the cafeteria casually eating breakfast when the pink puffball had approached the angel with this peculiar offer. The Captain of Palutena's Guard wasn't really sure what was happening, but whatever it was he wanted no part of it.

"Jigglypuff loves this Valentine's crap lately." The Hero of Popstar explained further. "She's been eating it up like candy— figuratively speaking. Well, minus the actual candy…"

"Dude, I'm not going to let you eat me."

"Ah come on, man! It'll be quick! All I need you to do is just stick yourself in my mouth and let me swallow you whole. Nothing weird about that."

"…" Pit scooted as far away from Kirby as he possibly could without falling off the bench. "Kirby, you got problems."

"What?" The pink puffball looked confused. "It'll be fine! Just let me suck you up and call it a day."

"Just put on an angel costume or something!" Pit threw his napkin on his plate and started walking away as swiftly as possible. He didn't dare turn around.

"Come on, Pit!" Kirby called after him, jumping on top of the bench. "What does it take for someone to let me swallow them? Pit? Pit!"

* * *

Short #4: Tier List

Date: Sometime after Chapter Nine

* * *

"Okay guys," Shulk grinned, bridging the deck of cards. "This time I'm really—"

"Dealing it…" The table said dryly, rolling their eyes simultaneously at the joke they'd been hearing for the past half-hour.

"…No need to sound so dejected when you say it."

It was another Saturday night at the Manor, and per usual Shulk, Dark Pit, Link, Lucina, Robyn, and Robin were seated around the living room table for another rousing game of Uno. Link had introduced it to the game to the rest of the group, and it had instantly became a favorite. Every couple of nights they'd get together to play a few rounds, talking about their daily exploits or perhaps speculate on the entering Smashers. It felt like everyday someone new was popping out of the shadows. For the most part, everyone seemed excited for the editions to the fighting crew. However, to Robin, it felt as if the Mansion was getting crowded every second, filling to the brim with more people than necessary. But in the end it was Master Hand's call, so there wasn't much he could do about it.

"Personally, I'm glad Master Hand stopped adding people." admitted Dark Pit as he played his next card. "The tournament is as long enough as it is, and these newcomers aren't exactly making our job easier."

"You have to think, though," said Robyn. "Master Hand has to represent as many people as possible. And anyways, Bayonetta is fun to be around."

"Yeah, but Mewtwo? Lucas? Roy and Corrin?" replied Dark Pit in his usual arrogant swagger. "I mean, come on. That's not exactly diversifying the Smasher pool. Not to mention all those stupid 'anime' swordfighters that keeps popping up everywhere. It's ridiculous!"

The table just stared at him for a moment with blank irritated expressions. When he realized who he was talking to, Dark Pit shrunk back into his seat and crossed his arms. "I rest my case." He mumbled, his face fully red.

"My real problem rests in the Smashers that are already here." said Link. The group stopped to stare at the Hero of Time, perplexed. "No, I'm serious. It's something that's been bugging me for a long time."

"Those are our friends you're talking about." said Shulk slowly. "Be careful where you trend."

"No no, it's not like that!" Link played a Draw Four card on Robin, who could only writher in frustration. "This is something that's been bugging Master Hand for a long time too. It's those lower tier Smashers. Ever since Smash Four started, he's been trying to get some of the lower guys back up and give them a chance to succeed. What is he calling those, Robyn?"

"Updates." Both of them said at the same time. They exchanged exasperated sighs.

"Right, should've thought about that. Er, anyways, in the past, Master Hand wouldn't let you get better at all. Said we didn't have 'internet connection' before, which is a weird way of putting it. But the problem is some of them aren't even trying to get better."

"You mean like the Old Schoolers?" Dark Pit glowered. "I hate those guys. "

"Never hate, Pittoo." Robyn gently reminded him as she played a Skip on him. "Always pity."

"Yeah, whatever." The clone of Pit waved her off. "Those guys don't even try."

Robin shifted uncomfortably in his seat. After all, Mr. Game and Watch was technically apart of that group. Even though he still felt bitter resentment for the 2-D blunder, it felt weird talking behind his back like this.

"They've been the source of a lot of problems lately." Link continued, playing a Draw Two on the male tactician. "Master Hand had to drag ROB and Mr. G into a tag team match the other day. Apparently they've been skipping out a lot recently."

"Well, Mr. Game and Watch just got back from Flatland a week ago." interjected Robin. The words came out of his mouth before he could even censor them. "His father isn't doing well, so I'm sure it's justifiable."

"Yeah, but ROB too?" said Lucina. "I know they're higher on the latest tier list than I am, but that's still no excuse. Delilah and I train everyday trying to get better, and all they've been doing lately is goofing off. I'm not sure if it is justifiable." Shulk and Link nodded in agreement, making the tactician blush. "We're working twice the amount they are, but we're not getting rewarded."

"Bah, those lazy bums can shove it." barked Dark Pit. "They aren't even popular among the Smash Community; heck, they're not even popular amongst us!"

"Those are your seniors you're talking about!" Link glared at the black angel. But after a moment, he sighed. "But it is disconcerning. Master Hand is talking with them again tomorrow. Hopefully they've clean up their act. We're supposed to be symbols of hope, not laziness. They're not exactly living up to that image."

"Here here." The table murmured in agreement. Robin opened his mouth again, wanting to interject again, but something caught his throat. Nervously, he swallowed his words, hoping no one had noticed.

But Captain Falcon did.

* * *

**A/N: As I said, I didn't have enough content to actually makes these into chapters (the last one maybe, but meh). Anyways, I know this chapter seems kinda strange, but I mainly came out with it to tell you I'm going on another hiatus until late May. Partially it revolves around school work and the AP exams, but there's another reason too. I don't want to discuss it here because it's too personal, but I'll leave something brief explaining the situation on my profile later on. I will still be writing, but I don't want anyone to expect something in April unlike last year. I apologize, but I hope you understand (and no, this isn't April Fools. This is serious).**

**Anyways, have a happy April Fools Day, and see you around. Until next time, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a fantastic day everybody!**

**-Circus Bread**

**P.S. If the third short is too much controversy for a K Plus rating, I'll take it down.**

**P.S.S. Thanks for giving me the inspiration to write ten chapters of this thing! You guys mean a lot to me!**

* * *

Short #5: ?

* * *

As they joyously finished up their card game, Waluigi pressed his face against the wet glass outside in the pouring rain. Wet tears filled his eyes as he sniffled at the joyful scene before him.

"One day, Waluigi gonna win…"

* * *

**A/N: What? I didn't say he couldn't be in the chapter.**


	11. Chapter 11: Crypt of Saint Bernard I

**A/N: This chapter is...**

**Well. It's different. If you don't like it, tell me. I'm not that confident in it, but that's up for you to decide. The contents located within this chapter are the main reason why so much of my free time is taken up, so excuse me for being a giant nerd. Anyways, without further ado...**

* * *

_Chapter Eleven: The Crypt of Saint Bernard Part I_

* * *

Robin had spent the better part of his week locked up in the back room of the Falcon House ever since the incident. The tactician would retreat there nearly every chance he could get, whether it was break time or not. He would seal the doors tightly, spending hours on end inside the storage room. Occasionally, Bart could hear snort of derision or mad mumbling through the cracks of the door, but that was all. For the most part, the esteemed waiter had ignored him, but as the week progressed Robin wouldn't leave. In fact, on Wednesday the Smasher had gone inside and never returned, ignoring any person who tried to talk to him. He had even skipped his matches inside the manor. Annoyance had turned into concern as Friday morning approached, and out of his own personal interests (and perhaps some pity) Bart had decided to put an end to his charade.

_KNOCK KNOCK_

"Robin." knocked Falcon, wiping his hands on his favorite green towel. He had just finished cleaning the dishes, a task Robin was supposed to do the night before. "You still alive?"

No response.

"Don't make me Falcon Punch this door. I will do it."

"… Coming" was the agitated reply. Bart could hear the clatter of pens and the occasional bump as the tactician raced to the door. "You called?" said Robin, a glint of irritation in his eyes.

The mage was not looking well. The once pressed and iron robes that he usually wore were stained with cheese powder and coffee drops. His hair, usually kept on his head, was now a rat's nest, strains of his white locks defying all known laws of gravity. Robin's bloodshot eyes drooped when saw his boss standing with a confused expression on his face. Bart could feel his concern build up even more when he stared at half of the man he used to know.

"Kid," He said after a moment of staring. "You okay?"

"Never better." He burped, scratching the stubble that was beginning to grow on his neck. Bits of droll hung off his bottom lip, adding to his unappealing new look. "You?"

"Extremely vexed." Bart stated bluntly. He stood on his toes, trying to peek past his employee. "What'cha working on back there?"

Instinctively, Robin tried blocking the captain's vision, but once he realized that the racer was clearly just taller than he was he conceited. "Come on in, it's easier to explain." He stepped aside, allowing the F-Zero racer to enter his own back room. Bart studied his employee carefully before proceeding inside, unsure of what to expect from his seemingly harmless friend.

The mounds of boxes that had once layered the floor were now neatly organized and arranged, most of them pressed up against the walls. Robin had cleared a space in the center of the room and aligned the spare tables that were usually used for special events into a makeshift work area. Stacks of paper with illegible scribbles on them were scattered all over the desks like snow. Towards the far end, Robin had set up some sort of command center, a broken laptop resting in a scrap pile next to what appeared to be some sort of basic supercomputer. As Bart entered, Robin quickly darted over to a manila folder and closed it, sticking it underneath his armpit and looking away.

"Wanna tell me why my back room is now the base of operations for the Ylissen Army?" Falcon joked, picking up a couple of papers and rummaging through them. When Robin didn't reply, the F-Zero hero grew worried. "Wait, don't actually tell me you turned my storage room into the–"

"No no!" stuttered Robin. "It's nothing like that! It's… personal."

"Then why are you doing personal things on work time? You still have a job."

"Umm… it's complicated."

"Is it the folder-underneath-your-armpit-complicated, because otherwise you got no real reason."

Robin stared blankly off into space. "Umm… well… give me a moment to discuss."

Bart raised his eyebrows with some amusement. "With who?" But when the tactician turned around and started mumbling to himself, he sighed. "Oh boy, here we go."

"We agree." said Robin, turning around after some deliberation. "Okay. So… umm…" He cleared his throat, as if it was some huge ordeal to tell the truth. "You remember last week when those gangsters came? The ones from Hogan's Alley?"

"Yeah, what about them? Did they give you that folder?"

"No, no." He pulled it out from under his arm and handed it to Bart. "Gumshoe did. He was very vague about it, but for the most part I think whatever those gangsters were after is probably in here. Try reading it."

Bart opened the folder. "This is utter gibberish. Some of these aren't even real, these are just symbols."

"They're Wingdings." Robin explained. "You know, that stupid font on the computer?"

"The thing no one uses? Yeah, I know it."

"Anyways, I finally managed to decode it two days ago." Robin began pacing back and forward, looking straight at the ground in front of him. It was as if he was anticipating his own steps to follow his eyes. "And you want to know what it said? Look at the papers in the back."

Falcon shuffled the papers around, only to be met with more gibberish. "See?" The tactician exclaimed. "It says nothing! Nothing! That is, until I realized that it could be in Koopa! When I did that, I had to translate it across binary, translated it from Spanish into French and back into Spanish, and then crunched it in base 195, only to discover that it was even more coded than before! When I ran it through my decryption algorithm, I realize that it was stated in electroshock therapy!"

"Umm… I don't like where this is going…" Bart frowned, watching the mage pace. Robin had increased his speed, almost pivoting his steps now. With each word he spoke, the look on Robin's face began to become even crazier than before. "Kid, I don't think messages can be displayed in electro—"

"But of course, I didn't solve it there! No sir!" Robin began to raise his voice, white froth forming at the corners of his mouth and dripping down his face. "Pikachu refused to give me the treatment. So what did I do? I took my old laptop and did it manually! BUT OF COURSE, the voices in my head said that the message was in REPTILIAN! SO WHAT DO I DO? I TRANSLATE IT INTO ENGLISH FROM REPTILIAN. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND?" Robin grabbed Bart by the shoulders and started shaking him. "YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT?"

"Umm. Robin?" Bart held up his index finger. He had been studying the paper as his employee ranted.

"WHAT BART?"

"Two things. One: let go of me." With his words, the tactician seemed to calm down a bit, letting go of the Smasher and backing up. "Two: You're waaay overthinking this. This isn't Koopa. This is a substitution cypher."

"A… a what?"

"A substitution cypher. It looks like Koopa." Bart admitted, pulling a pen out of his jacket. "But it's not. You got a spare piece of paper?"

The tactician ran over to his printer and grabbed a sheet of paper for the bounty hunter. "Thanks. Look here: Notice how certain letters are repeated but not necessarily the same as what they actually are?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, it stops at the letter T. The frequency of three letter words that start with T in this message is astonishing. Thus, we can assume that those three letter words are actually 'the.' If I still have it…" Falcon ran over to the boxes and started rummaging through them. After a minute, he exclaimed, "Here it is!" The proud manager pulled out a strange mechanical machine and tossed it towards Robin. As tired as the tactician was, Robin still managed to catch it with the reflexes the Smashers were renowned for.

"What the heck is this?" Robin asked, putting it on the table. It looked like a combination between a typewriter and a printer. Covered in dust and rust, it was clear that Bart hadn't used it in years.

"Back in my younger days, I was a pretty good at cryptograms." Falcon beamed, his chest extended and his hands on his hips. "I used to have to decode all sorts of messages. This machine should speed up the process since the text is too long to do by hand. Put your crypted documents in the top slot."

Robin obeyed. Bart ran over to the electrical socket that had been revealed from Robin's handiwork and plugged it in. The strange machine flickered alive as it began slowly processing the papers into legible text.

At a rate that felt like an inch an hour.

"It's a little old," Bart admitted. "But it should get the job done by this evening. Speaking of which…" The racer stood in front of the enigma machine, arms crossed and face firm. "You're not going to get the decoded document until you—"

"Hey!" Robin protested, his bloodshot eyes somehow even wider. "But I've been working on this all week!"

"Let me finish! You're not getting these documents until you go home and take a shower and a nap. By Ganondorf's beard, man, you've been up all week! Get some sleep! I'll be here when it's done, okay?" Falcon rubbed the tactician's hair, which was disgustingly sticky. Aghast, he pulled his hand back and stared at the residue on his hands. "I immediately regret that decision…"

The tactician was about to protest, but when his eyelids began to sag over his eyes he felt the weight of three days crash onto him. "Fine…" He yawned. "But you owe me one."

"Wait, before you leave… one last thing." Bart rubbed the underside of his chin, clearly in contemplation. Usually when the racer did this, Robin regretted the outcome of his decision making. Last time he had that look on his face he was in an eggnog drinking contest, so whatever Falcon was planning wasn't going to be good. "Tonight, I was originally going to hang out with Mr. Game and Watch. He invited me to play Dungeons and Dragons, but it looks like I'm going to have to cancel. Kid, looks like you're filling in for me."

"What the heck is Dungeons and Dragons?" deadpanned Robin, raising his left eyebrow.

"It's a roleplaying game. You know, with dice and stuff. They need a burglar and since I'm not going that leaves you."

"I could stay by the machine." Robin offered, biting his lower lip.

Bart shook his head. "As I said, you've missed multiple days of work and need some sleep. This is how you're going to make it up to me." In a deeper tone, he added, "Not only that, but you and Mr. Game and Watch need to start getting along better. Ever since the burglary you two have been avoiding each other. You should be working together, not against each other. Your personal business is your personal business, but it better be resolved by tonight, okay?" He looked at the clock, which was counting away each second. In his usual demeanor, he said, "It's about time for the store to open, so that gives you quite a few hours to sleep in and get ready for tonight. And seriously," He added more jovially, "take a shower. You stink."

* * *

As much as he hated to admit it, a few hours of sleep was exactly what he needed.

After his long nap, Robin felt refreshed, as if someone had taken the frustration and pressure from him and broke it in half with their kneecap. After taking a warm shower and slipping into a pair of fresh robes, he felt relaxed and rejuvenated, for the most part.

After all, he still had to deal with Mr. Game and Watch.

Ever since the robbery, Mr. Game and Watch and Robin hadn't been the same. They constantly avoided each other, both trying to forget what had happened. But for Robin, it was hard. Mr. Game and Watch had been willing to sacrifice the tactician to save himself. He honestly had no idea why the Flatlander would do something like that, but in the end he just accepted that perhaps he was half the man he thought he was. Mr. Game and Watch looked out for nobody but himself, and everyone seemed to agree.

His record showed it too. He was constantly skipping matches, goofing off when he should be working, and even starting fights outside of the mansion. Rumors of potential suspension had been floating around the manor for a while now for him and his whole group, the Old-Schoolers. Pac-Man was constantly eating, Mega Man seemed to be gone almost every week to stop Dr. Wily, ROB was constantly alone, and Mr. Game and Watch… well, he was just lazy. Usually when they had to go get him he was helping Olimar in the garden, cleaning, cooking, or just goofing off. Of course, his generosity outside of the arena was appreciated, but it was to Robin's understanding that Smash was about protecting people, not chores. Discontent had grown amongst his other friends towards them, and honestly Robin felt like it was justified.

But here he was, at The Falcon House in the middle of the night, about to play Dungeons and Dragons with those same people.

This is Smash, after all. Nothing's ever normal.

When Robin entered the doorway with his character sheet in hand, he was surprised to see that many of his friends had already arrived. Mario and Luigi were playing Donkey Kong Jenga with the King of Swing himself and Cranky Kong. The older ape seemed to be scolding his successor as he clumsily knocked over the entire tower with his huge apish hands. Near the center of the room, Cloud and Little Mac were engaged in a heated game of Clue with Bayonetta and Lucario, acting like their actual life depended on every move they made. Even more cringe worthy was the fact that his friends (Link, Robyn, Pit, Shulk, Lucina, and Dark Pit, to an extent) that he usually sat with were playing Uno in the opposite corner of the room.

"Please don't notice me, please don't notice me…" Robin mumbled, covering his face with his notebook while striding towards the corner where the Old-Schoolers resided.

"Hey Robin!" Link's voice called out. "Would you like to play a game?"

The tactician froze in place and turned where he could see his allies. Lucina and Pit looked at him expectantly while Dark Pit shot him nothing but a look of malcontent. Robin grew red as a Fire Flower as he cleared his throat to speak.

"Umm… I got a… commitment to attend to." Robin said, trying to avoid eye contact. "Excuse me." As fast as he could, he shuffled over to the green and yellow couches where the Old-Schoolers were without looking back. He could feel their eyes on him as he hunched over on the couch, wishing he could sink down into the cushions and hide in there all night.

It took him a moment to realize that Mr. Game and Watch, Mega Man, Pac-Man, and ROB had been staring at him the whole time, their faces unmoving and their eyes with some note of confusion. Ron quickly sat up and brushed off his robes, trying not to explode in embarrassment.

"What?" said Robin when they persisted with their silent barrage. "I'm here to play Dungeons and Dragons with you guys." When they continued to say nothing, he added, "If you'll have me, that is."

Secretly, he hoped they'd say no and dismiss him so he could go over and play Uno with his friends. But if they thought about it, there was no clear sign as to their opinions as they blankly stared at their uninvited guest.

"Umm…" said Mega Man after an actual minute of silence. "You realize that they're playing Uno over in the other corner, right?"

"Yes." Robin swallowed, tempted to fake his ignorance and head on over to his friends. But Bart's blackmailing held fast in his head, so he brushed it off before he could even act upon it. "But you guys need a burglar, right? I'm here to burgle… things."

"Do you even know how to play?" Pac-Man asked, a bit of force in his voice.

"Yes… kind of…"

"Hey, if he wants to play, let's have him!" Mr. Game and Watch said mirthfully. "We're happy to have you, Robin!"

Mr. Game and Watch's words seemed to calm the table, but not Robin. The fact that the Flatlander was so cheerful to have him at the table made the mage a little uncomfortable, but as this was to amend their argument he made no comment. "So," Robin clapped his hands together, trying to fake some enthusiasm. "Let's go! Where do we start?"

"ROB is loading up the new errata." Pac-Man explained. "We got a little bit before we can begin. Do you have a character sheet?"

"Er… was I supposed to make one?" Robin breathed nervously. He had forgotten to ask Bart for his own.

"It's fine!" Me. Game and Watch picked up a sheet of paper and a pencil. "We can just do a quick build for you. Rogue Thief is what we need, so we'll start you at Level 3. Just fill in the scores and I can do the rest!"

Robin obeyed, just following Mr. Game and Watch's basic instructions. "Hot dog!" the 2D hero proclaimed when he had finished. "Just let me finish up. Want any snacks?" He motioned over towards a pile of black silhouettes of various food. By the fact that they were two-dimensional, Robin figured that the Flatlander had brought them.

"No thanks, I just ate." Robin lied. "So I do have one question: how does the dice thing work?"

"Oh, it's simple." waved Pac-Man. "ROB sets a Difficulty Check, or DC, for the task at hand and the twenty sided dice, or d20, is our tool to beat it. For example, if I'm trying to break down a iron door, ROB might set a Strength DC of 20 to surpass it. I roll the d20, add my Strength modifiers, and if the added total passes 20, then I break down the door. If not, then I fail and might need to try again."

"The modifiers are these plusses and minuses, right?" Robin pointed to his character sheet.

"Yeah, exactly! Your skills in certain things also get added bonuses too. Just remember: natural 20s in our group is a critical success, which means whatever you were doing is, like the name suggests, an automatic success."

"And natural 1s? Those must be fun."

"_Don't even joke about those._" The table grew seriously quiet. Robin chuckled nervously, still not really positive what was happening. When no one joined him, he grew solemn and shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Program updated." The light on ROB's head blinked once as his eyes turned back on. "Hello, Robin. Do you want to join as well?"

"What, hmm? Oh, yes please."

"Updating character roster." The robot rolled over to the tactician and grabbed his character sheet. All of a sudden, his eyes make a clicking sound, opening and closing as quick as a shutter. "Character roster updated. User:Robin is now included in the quest _The Crypt of Saint Bernard_. Are we ready to begin?"

"I am, if everybody else is." said Mega Man, sitting up in his chair. Pac-Man and Robin nodded in agreement.

"Then let's get started!" exclaimed Mr. Game and Watch. "ROB, load her up!"

* * *

"I can't believe Robin is ditching us for the Old-Schoolers." Dark Pit remarked, staring over at the tactician's table. "I thought we just talked about how lazy the Old-Schoolers are."

"Don't judge him." Pit retorted. "Just because he's not here doesn't mean he's not our friend."

"He's probably trying to make amends with Mr. G." defended Robyn, taking a sip of her Mountain Dedede. "Anyways, why do you care? I thought you pitied him."

"Hate, pity, they're just synonyms to you." Dark Pit murmured. "Kirby told me about the whole thing, you know, our first date? How he drugged my pananawang or whatever. Jerk's a jerk, no matter what name you put instead of it."

"First, it's called panang." corrected Robyn, playing a skip card on her boyfriend. "Secondly, he apologized, didn't he?" Dark Pit looked down. "Exactly. So don't fret about it, okay? We all agreed he did something dumb, and that's the end of it. Don't go all Pit-y party on me, okay?"

"Ayeeeee!" Pit gave her a high-five. "Nice one."

"You realize that can be used on you too, right?" Shulk pointed out. Pit grew red, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

His counterpart, however, hadn't looked up from his lap. When Robyn nudged him, the clone snapped up to look at his girlfriend.

"Fine, fine." He said with a surprising conceited demeanor. "I promise: I won't do anything to ruin his night."

"Thanks, Pittoo." Robyn smiled. After a moment of thought, she frowned. "Wait, you were going to try and spend our date night ruining his night?"

"Umm… no…"

* * *

**Hey, yo, you doing nothing?**

_Dark Pit? I told you not to text me unless it was absolutely necessary!_

**Yeah, yeah, but I got something you want.**

_You mean…_

**Yeah, yeah. You just need to do me a favor.**

_What?_

**You played Dungeons and Raids, right?**

_Dragons. Dungeons and Dragons. It's not that hard to screw up._

**Well, I'll got a favor to ask you.**

_What?_

**I want you to ruin Robin's night.**

* * *

**/_ROB MODEL 151/_**

**_/Booting up…/_**

**_/Initializing Dungeons and Dragons Program/_**

**_/Program initialized/_**

**_/Loading Custom Campaign The Crypt of Saint Bernard/_**

**Loading…**

_100%_

**_/Story finalized/_**

**_/Loading Realism Simulator/_**

_Update found. Would you like to apply it now?_

_**Yes**__/No_

**_/Updating Realism Simulator/_**

_Description: To use augmented reality to create and simulate the conditions in-game and those described by the players, thus forming a digital for later reflection._

**_Patch 1.16 Notes:_**

_Removed Program:My_Dreams_

_Removed Hamma Jamma_

_Various bug fixes._

**_/Update Complete/_**

**_/Starting adventure…/_**

* * *

_Time: 1200 Hours_

_Location: The Drunken Dolphin, a tavern in the Sea Ward_

_The City of Waterdeep, "The City of Splendors and the Crown of the North"_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

The fog that had crept over from the ghastly sea was slowly dissipating as high noon struck the Sea Ward. Near the docks where the sailors usually landed, The Drunken Dolphin had its doors ajar and the lights on. The candle light in the windows flickered back and forth as if to signal thirsty patrons like a lighthouse that ale and merrymaking was to be had. Inside, the noise in the air of new friends and old rivals rang out like a jubilant call from a church bell. Tables of Three-Dragon Ante had already sprung up in the few minutes that the tavern had opened. The more rowdy patrons were near the actual bar, yelling orders and drinking almost as quickly as a barkeep could serve them. The room was alive, although some of its patrons were already on the floor, hugging each other and singing sea chanteys as if it was another day on the deck of a ship.

Near the corner by the fireplace where arguably the most comfortable seats in all of Sword Coast were located, four men sat around a small coffee table with maps and quills and books spread across. The newcomer, who was dressed in fine black robes, sat nervously between what looked to be a half-orc and a dwarf. In its own chair, a giant suit of armor sat comfortably with its helmet in its gauntlet. Finally, the half-orc rolled his shoulders and put down the parchment with a satisfied grin. The group had been working for hours on their plans, and finally they were ready to commence their latest adventure.

"So I'm confused." said Robin as he scratched the back of his head. He turned to Pac-Man, who was seated next to him.

"About what?" asked Pac-Man, returning the rogue's confused look.

"So we're sitting down on a couch around a table roleplaying us sitting down on a couch around a table? I'm not sure I get it."

"Don't think into it too much!" Mr. Game and Watch laughed. "Why Squire Robin, hath though not imaged before the dawn of this day?"

"I mean, I have." Robin defended himself. "Er, why are you speaking like that, Mr. G?

"Mr. Game and Watch likes to get into the role." Mega Man explained. In a whisper, he added "He won't break character for the rest of the night, so just go with it."

"Why Sir Ydraxxel!" laughed Mr. Game and Watch. "Thou speaks as if there was a character to break from! Nay, I say! For I, Sir Bacon of Levartes-Tor, hath nothing to depart from my original existence! Hath thou discovered a secret from my past that even I have no prior knowledge of, or is thine using the horrid witchery that you've sworn to desist?"

"Umm…" Robin stared in confusion. "What?"

"Perhaps it might be best if we do character introductions for our guest?" Pac-Man suggested.

"A mighty fine idea from the famous Thoridan Frostbeard cleric of Mithral Hall!" proclaimed Mr. Game and Watch. "Proceed with your most whimsical of ideas and introduce thineself!"

Pac-Man shot him a look, making Robin crack a smile. Even though he acted like he wasn't, Pac-Man looked amused as well. "As he said," the yellow sphere coughed, "I am Thoridan Frostbeard of Mithral Hall, a famed political theorist and Level 8 Dwarven Cleric of the Life Domain."

"You must have heard of me, naturally," said Mr. Game and Watch, flipping his hand as if to emphasize his greatness. "I am the infamous SIR BACON OF LEVARTES-TOR, MASTER OF PERFECT INTRODUCTIONS AND KNIGHT OF THE VORPAL ORDER!" In his usual voice, he added, "Half-Porc Fighter, Level 10."

"Did he say Porc?" interrupted Robin, his face in his palm.

"Like Pig Orcs, but Porcs." nodded Mega Man, who had a slight grin on his face. Robin could only roll his eyes.

"Indeed, Squire Robin!" affirmed "Sir Bacon." "For the Porcs were a peaceful race of Orcs until the dreaded King Obould of the Many-Arrows tribe seized our assets and slaughtered our kind. But luck was on my side, for my human father was a Waterdhavian Noble with many outside connections. With our wits and skill, we escaped in the wind of the night!"

The other three exchanged exasperated glances at each other. "Mr. G—"

"When we arrived back in my father's homestead, he sent me off to military training, where I quickly rose up in rank and prestige. But my heart still burned of the horror that King Obould inflicted upon thine own people. After my training became complete, I vowed to myself that I would not hesitate for the day that our paths cross again. Ever since that faithful day I swore upon my honor that he shall taste the cold steel of my blade!"

"Sir Bacon—"

"I SHALL VANQUISH THINE VILLIONOUS FOE AND RESTORE THE GOOD NAME OF THE PORC TRIBE! ALL EVIL THAT DARES CROSS MY PATH SHALL FIND ITS FACE IN THE DIRT AND MY SWORD AT THEIR THROAT! MY MOTHER SHALL BE AVENGED! FOR I AM—"

"Mr. Game and Watch!" Pac-Man snapped. With his words, the Flatlander snapped back into reality.

"What?"

"You're shouting…"

"Oh."

"You're also standing on the couch."

Sir Bacon looked down. "It appears that way, yes."

When he did nothing, Pac-Man growled, "_Get down._"

"Righty-ho." Mr. Game and Watch calmly took his seat. Adjusting his chest plate as if nothing had ever happened, he smiled. "Anyways, Squire Robin, that is my story. Ydraxxel?" He motioned towards the suit of armor in the corner.

"I'm the Dark Lord Ydraxxel, Destroyer of Worlds." Mega Man introduced himself. "I'm a Level 20 Wizard."

"Level 20?" Robin raised his eyebrow. "Isn't that—"

"The highest level? Yeah." Mega Man looked awkward, the lights on his face making him look as if he was blushing. "Actually, this isn't my character. I usually play as a Necromancer named Immeral. Mr. G or Pac-Man, mind explaining my back story?"

The 2D roleplayer took a deep breath, but luckily Pac-Man spoke first. "Long story short, Sir Bacon's last group had to fight Ydraxxel, Destroyer of Worlds. They spent their last campaign hunting down the locket where Ydraxxel hid his soul so they could destroy it. When they found it, Mr. Game and Watch discovered that they could control Ydraxxel, so he made it his sworn duty to turn Ydraxxel good."

"One day I shall free myself of his control and reek havoc upon this mortal realm." growled Mega Man in a deep voice. Smiling, he added, "I had Dr. Light install this voice modulator last week. Sounds cool, doesn't it? I can even get my voice high-pitched if I wanted to."

"And what is ROB doing?" Robin motioned over to the robot, who was standing still.

"ROB's our Dungeon Master." Mega Man said. "Like he did in the beginning, his job is to describe the environment to us and how we react to it. And most importantly, how it reacts to us."

"But his eyes." He motioned to the glowing light illuminating from the robot's eye sockets. "What's that?"

"This is actually the coolest part." Mega Man looked excited, his eyes growing wide. "Snake programmed an augmented reality system in his head that allows him to transmit anything we say into Virtual Reality."

"Er… could you elaborate?"

"While we're roleplaying this game, ROB is taking our words and actions and creating a video." Pac-Man explained further. "Essentially, whatever we're doing in-game he is seeing as reality right now and recording it live. Later, he'll edit the game down and make it like a action movie for us to watch."

"Wow." breathed Robin, impressed. "And Snake programmed this?"

"His original purpose was to get out of Smash matches." said ROB. "He did not realize that I am the one who tells Master Hand whether you're avoiding matches or not. I always answer truthfully."

"That's why he's the perfect DM." Mega Man finished. "No bias towards us, and he keeps the game real and logical."

By the looks in their eyes and the tone of their voices, Robin could tell that they were truly ecstatic about this game. The Old-Schoolers really looked excited to have him here to tell him all of their stories and explain the game. Honestly, half of it was just a bunch of garbled gibberish, but the points that he could pick out were somewhat fascinating. Robin still wanted to be with the others playing Uno, no doubt, but seeing their unbridled elation transversely made him excited as well.

It took a moment to realize that they were all staring at him in silence— again. "I'm sorry, what?"

"What is your title, Squire?" repeated Sir Bacon. "For I have been calling you the name of a bird for the past few days that we've met, but little is known of your actual origins. Pray tell, what is the title that your kin have bestowed upon thine body?"

"What's your character's name?" translated Pac-Man.

"Umm…" Robin hadn't actually thought of a name for his character. Shrugging, he said "Robin's fine with me. Robin of… umm… Ylisse."

Mr. Game and Watch frowned. "This land is of a foreign tongue to me, this Ylisse. Perhaps I may venture out there one day and see beyond the shrubbery of the High Forest." Clearing his throat, he added, "What previous job escapades have you had, Squire Robin of Ylissen decent?"

"Umm…" Robin was at a loss for words.

"I demand a testament of his skill!" said Mega Man in his Ydraxxel voice. "You're a burglar; go and burgle something for us."

"Here? Right now?"

"Most of these patrons are criminals." Mr. Game and Watch remarked. "While thievery is sinful, I do not protest against the robbery of such foul lowlife. I agree with the statement provided from Ydraxxel."

"How about something simple? Just to get Robin in the swing of things?" Pac-Man suggested. The other two nodded in agreement.

"See that hat, Thief?" Ydraxxel pointed to a man sitting at the counter. He was older in age, and his face was intoxicated. On his head, a black hat with a four leaf clover rested idly like a bird in its nest. "I want it. Bring it to me."

"Hmm…" Sir Bacon rubbed his chin. "That symbol seems to be from the Rockdweller lineage. Wonder how it got here?"

"Okay." Nervously, Robin stood up and walked over to the man. The person had a drink in one hand and a dagger in the other, but the alcohol on his breath reassured the rogue that there was to be no significant resistance.

_Slight of Hand DC: 13_

_Robin's Roll: 16+4: Unnatural 20_

As if he was shopping, he grabbed the hat from his head and walked back with a grin on his face. Happily, he tossed it into Ydraxxel's lap. "How about that for a burglary?"

"What ho!" Mr. Game and Watch exclaimed, jumping up to pat their robber. "I've clearly chosen our acquaintance wisely! After all, I am Sir Bacon, MASTER OF INTERVIEWS."

"That was too easy." Ydraxxel whined. "Next time I shall make sure that there's some resistance towards him. Perhaps I'll summon bees to attack him. Ooh, I'll drag his body through Shadowfell beforehand and see how he does then!"

"You won't do such a thing." Bacon held up a purple gem, hung around his neck from a golden chain. Robin could assume this was the necklace where the wizard's soul was held. "Ydraxxel, as long as I have this gem, you won't do a thing to purposely cause the efforts of our allies to fail."

"I will not do anything to cause the effort of our allies to fail." said Mega Man instantly. Glowering, he barked, "When I free myself of this stupid necklace, I will destroy you first!"

"It's nobody's fault but your own that your soul is trapped under my command." Sir Bacon retorted, pointing his index finger at the suit of armor with a victorious expression. "Perhaps you should not hide it in your old tower next time."

Ydraxxel didn't respond; he only crossed his arms and mumbled under his breath. "If I had all of my power, there wouldn't be a next time."

"Gentlemen!" Mr. Game and Watch stood up. "The shining daylight grows fainter with each passing moment we spend within this tavern. Shall we prepare to travel amongst the High Road towards Neverwinter and take the detour to our destination?"

"Hey, if you don't mind me asking," Robin interjected as they get up. "What are we doing?"

"Why, hath none of us told the Squire what we shall partake in?" Mr. Game and Watch looked over at his allies in confusion. When none of them responded, he laughed. "Excuse us then for our hasty retreat without the proper instruction! Squire Robin, we are seeking the treasure of the late Saint Bernard!"

"Saint… Bernard." Robin put his face in his freehand. "And pray tell, why are we going after the treasure?"

"Legend speaks of a tale of a brave knight named Sir Levartes who fought an ancient evil." Thoridan explained. "You know the town that Bacon is from? They named it after him. The legends states that Levartes, along with the help of the legendary alchemist Nicolas Flamel, managed to somehow trap the evil within nine gems."

"You're trying to awaken the ancient evil?!"

Pac-Man quickly shook his head. "No no! The legend speaks of a location that Levartes used to make it to the center of the universe in order to obtain these gems from this ancient being. However…"

"Supposedly this being also grant one wish!" Ydraxxel added excitingly. "One magnificent wish that defies the limitations of its namesake spell!"

"Which is what Levartes used to obtain the gems." continued Pac-Man.

"And I plan to use mine to restore the Porc people." said Sir Bacon darkly. "And most importantly, gain the power to defeat King Obould once and for all!"

"The map in which this location is hidden is rumored to be somewhere in the Crypt of Saint Bernard." finished Pac-Man. "So we're going on a quest to find it!"

"Huh. Sounds... interesting."

"Let us venture forth, then!" Sir Bacon chortled grandly. Pulling out his sword, he pointed it towards the door. "Adventure, away!"

* * *

**Are you here yet?**

_Calm down, Dark Pit! I was busy._

**Mr. Game and Watch said something about a treasure they're after. Something about a gem?**

_Oh boy! The Levartes Gems?_

**I don't know; I wasn't paying attention.**

_This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Let me get the proper tools and I'll be right over._

_I'll teach them a lesson they'll never forget._

* * *

**A/N: I know, it feels short, but that's about 6,666 words (heh heh, "accident"). I had orginally made this chapter waaaay too ambitious, but I decided to split it into two parts rather than kill you with another super long chapter. So... What did you think? I wasn't too sure if I actually wanted to make this chapter, but as I've said I want to include every kind of style in this collection. Fantasy/Action was definately something that was going to be difficult to do in a story like this, so this was the best option I could think of. Er... If you don't like it, I can always take this chapter down. I didn't feel like it matched the style of the rest of the story, but in the end, that's up for you to decide. Make your criticisms heard!**

**Anyways, as with all adventure stories, I end with obligatory questions... Will they find the treasure of Saint Bernard? Who is the mysterious person Dark Pit is talking to? What's in the manilla folder? And most importantly, when's the next chapter? Find out in the... well, next chapter.**

**Until we meet again, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a fantastic day, everybody!**

**-CD**


	12. Chapter 12: Crypt of Saint Bernard II

**A/N: I walked a mile to post this chapter. In the dark.**

**I hate vacations.**

**It occurred to me that I forgot to confirm that Chapter 10 did happen. Yes, that is all canon to these story subplots ;)**

**Also, Hogan's Alley (from Chapter 9) is an old game about the FBI building. It also has gangsters. Look closely at Duck Hunt Dog's can next time you use it.**

**One last important thing: this chapter borders on the edge of K+ and T. Readers have been warned.**

**And now, this.**

* * *

Chapter 12: The Crypt of Saint Bernard Part II

* * *

_Time: 1230 Hours_

_Location: The Drunken Dolphin, a tavern in the Sea Ward_

_The City of Waterdeep, "The City of Splendors and the Crown of the North"_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

As the group of four adventurers finally left the tavern, the rigid fog had begun to dissipate from the docks. Some of the drunkards were starting to stumble back put to who knows where, using each other as a wobbly and ineffective supports. The smell of the salt and the muck floated in from the sea as a warm rush of air whisked past the docks, as if running away from the ocean. Even street merchants were in the midday rush, trying to drown out each other in an attempt to gain profit. As far as the city of Waterdeep was concerned, this was just another day in the Forgotten Realms.

A bard came perusing down the street, strumming his mandolin as he sung the tale of the famous "Roamin the Paladin." As they passed, Thoridan Frostbeard AKA Pac-Man tossed a gold piece towards the singer, who gladly caught the coinage with glee. When Robin shot him a confused look, the Life Cleric only said "I know him."

Robin wasn't as into the game as the others; it was quite obvious. While the other party members were speculating what the center of the universe looked like, the tactician constantly exchanged glances between the clock and Mr. Game and Watch. It was as if tonight, the Flatlander had forgotten their trifle, as if it had never happened. In fact, now that he thought about it, Mr. Game and Watch hadn't really brought it up ever since it happened. He had mainly just swerved around the mage, as if he hoped that Robin had forgotten about it. But as much as the tactician felt the urge to forgive him, he still felt a desire for an apology.

Sir Bacon AKA Mr. Game and Watch stopped in front of the stables, a serious look in his eyes and a complex mix of tension and determination on his body. Dramatically, he stood on top of what looked to be a chandler's box, his voice grave and foreboding. "Gentlemen," He began, straightening his armor as if to ease the burden. "We shall embark on a journey that may or may not end in terror. I employ you, those of weak stomach should turn back now."

"We've heard your speech already." Ydraxxel AKA Mega Man deadpanned without hesitation. The group walked passed the knight, ignoring Mr. Game and Watch's overbearing manner. "Come on; we're burning daylight."

"Aww…" The Flatlander hung his head and arms. "But I added a few paragraphs for effect!"

"Hey! Hey!" The group turn around at the sound of newcomers. Several men came walking down the street, the leader of them walking around in a drunken stupor. Their faces and clothing were ragged, some of them wearing a bandana and some of them wearing tricorne hats. It took a moment for Robin to recognize him as the person he stole the hat from.

As they got closer, the rogue felt a sense of urgency. All of the men were grasping at their scimitars. The malicious look in their eyes betrayed their friendly tone. As would all wise rogues, Robin took a step towards the back line behind Pac-Man and Mr. Game and Watch, keeping a close eye on the approaching line.

"Hark there, citizen!" Mr. Game and Watch cried out. Robin could tell that he was uneasy as well, rocking side to side. "Hath thou come to procure vehicle transportation as well? Gladly step in front of us, as to secure that your journey is a swift action!"

"We don't take kindly to thieves." One of them spat in a gritty and salty tone. "Especially those who rob from the crew of the great Captain Coralbeard. Best give us back what you took."

Ydraxxel was adjusting his new treasure on his head, whistling a metallic tune as he went along. "I'm sorry, you must be confused with the other giant metal construct with a black hat." The suit of armor gladly finished his fine-tuning before turning his full attention onto the vagrants in front of him. "Hah, did you say Captain Coralbeard? Isn't he dead?"

"Just got reincarnated." said the ringleader in a sing-song voice. The other men cheered behind hi to reaffirm his statement. "So guess who rules the seas again?"

Robin raised his eyebrow. "There's reincarnated in this game?" He whispered.

Pac-Man nodded, his cold stare not breaking from the pirates in front of him. "If there's magic, there's a way to bring people back to life. It's just really expensive and taxing, that's all."

"The Waterdhavian Navy shall always remain superior to saltwater scum like you brutish bandits!" Sir Bacon challenged. He flashed his royal signet ring. "I dare even one of your ships to take on our best!"

"Anyways," Pac-Man added, looking at his fingernails casually. "I thought you guys were pushovers. Didn't Sergio and Sir Bacon finish the rest of your crew out without even raising a blade?"

When the pirates in front of them began growling, the Flatlander added "Why Sir Frostbeard! I had forgotten about that!" Gripping at his sword, he leaned in towards the group and smiled. "I usually forget about enemies who don't matter."

_Combat has started_

With a hearty yell of anger, the drunkards charged forward. Robin leapt back, keeping his distance away from the main fray. That didn't stop one of them from charging forward, screaming bloody murder as he slashed at the tactician repeatedly. Robin barely managed to jump out of the way, just getting scraped by the tip of his blade.

_Pirate Damage Roll: 4 slashing_

_user:Robin 26/30 HP_

Robin scrounged back up to his feet, slowly backing up towards the stables as he dodge the swipes left and right. The pirate seemed to be laughing as he continued his relentless assault on the defenseless tactician, each swing of the blade getting closer and closer. The tactician tried to find a natural advantage, but it seemed that it was difficult to get past the sword.

Unfortunately for the vagrant, he didn't see Mega Man come up behind him. As if he was a weed, the Destroyer of Worlds picked up the pirate in one of his huge gauntlets and sent some sort of electrifying shockwave to the pirate. After he had fried his enemy, he threw the body towards the edge of the dock; a loud splash was heard as he hit the water.

"Fight, you pansy!" Ydraxxel commanded Robin. He jumped back into the fray, punching a few more men as he passed. "This is free EXP!"

"Says you!" The hero of Pac-Land growled. The cleric was having a hard time, fighting off four men at once. He swung his warhammer wildly, trying to force them back. "It helps when you have the strength of an owlbear and the experience of all of us combine!"

"Excuses!" Ydraxxel retorted. As he ran past the Cleric, he grabbed one of the enemies and chucked them at the remaining pirates. They fell down like bowling pins, scattering across the deck. "Don't blame me because you suck!"

At this point, Robin realized that he probably needed to help them somehow. _Weapons… weapons…_ he quickly scanned his character sheet when a sudden realization struck him. Running up to Sir Bacon, he yelled, "I don't have any weapons!"

"What?" Mr. Game and Watch replied, parrying the blow of his enemy's blade.

"You forgot to put weapons down on my character sheet!" repeated Robin, smacking the paper with one hand. "I got nothing!"

"You were the one making it!" Sir Bacon overpowered his opponent when they clashed blades again, knocking aside their scimitar and kicking them away. He used this free time to turn towards the tactician. "That was not my responsibility Squire! Did thou not pick up weaponry at the store during Thoridan's exceedingly long bathroom break?"

"I'm just saying, you should've told me!" _This was why Mr. G is always getting him in trouble,_ Robin thought._ His stupid blame shifting was exactly the kind of behavior that got them into trouble with the gangsters in the first place._

_Dexterity Saving Throw DC: 19_

_Mr. Game and Watch's Roll: Natural 20!_

_Critical Success!_

With the speed of a falcon, Sir Bacon's dropped his sword while simultaneously darting that hand out in front of Robin's unsuspecting face, catching the blade of a dagger just before it penetrated the tactician's cheek. Petrified, the rogue stood there in shock and awe.

"I have procured you this dagger, I guess." He handed it to Robin, ignoring his now bleeding hand. "Now go! Help Sir Frostbeard!" Picking up his sword in his injured hand, the Half-Porc turned back at the man who threw the dagger. He too was in amazement at Mr. Game and Watch's feat.

"I apologize ahead of time," he grinned. "You've seemed to have injured my right hand. Sadly for you," he tossed the sword into his other hand, "I'm actually left-handed."

As they clashed blades, Robin turned his attention back towards his other two companions. Ydraxxel seemed to be having the time of his life, freezing two unconscious bodies together in the shape of a heart and lying it against the wall. Meanwhile, Pac-Man wasn't looking too well. Although it seemed he had taken out one of his foes, the two bandits in front of him seemed to be helping each other crush their competition. When the cleric tried to slash at one, the other pirate would attack him instead. As quickly as he could, Robin dashed over to his ally, trying to act threatening with his small dagger.

_Pirate Damage Roll: 7 slashing_

_user:Pac_Man 45/84 HP_

"By Vergadain's Beard!" Pac-Man exclaimed as he blocked a blow with his shield. "Bless you, my child!"

"Don't thank me yet." Robin slashed wildly at his opponents. "I still don't know what the heck I'm doing."

Now that it was two on two, the fight got a little bit more interesting. Pac-Man and Robin fought back with equal ferocity, using each other to press onwards. The vagrant's once smug faces were erased as they met a real challenge. Instead of attacking, they soon found themselves in the defensive position.

"Time to separate these two." Thoridan grasped the necklace, three coins smelted in the shape of a triangle, around his neck. "Hold on to your butt!" Backing off from his attackers, he slammed his warhammer against the ground. "THUNDERWAVE!" He cried out.

A huge deafening boom echoed through the cramped city corridors. Robin grasped at his ears, barely managing to hold his ground as a huge wave of thunderous energy beamed out from the center of the smash. The pirates had no time to react as they were sent flying away from each other, landing prone on the ground.

Robin couldn't hear a thing. Being so close to the impact seemed to have deafened his sense of hearing. All that replaced the calm ocean waves and the screams of battling foes was a indescribable ringing noise. Meanwhile, Pac-Man pointed towards the pirate closest to the tactician, yelling some inaudible command. He seemed to look like he was timed.

"What?" Robin screamed back. The Life Cleric chuckled for a moment, slapping himself on the forehead. He pointed again at the man nearest Robin and drew a line across his neck.

"Oh!" The rogue turned his attention towards the fighter. The pirate was getting up, wiping the blood from his lips. With a firm resolve, Robin charged forward, using his speed to his advantage.

_Robin's Attack Roll: 12+4+2=18_

_Damage Roll: 7 piercing_

Robin dashed by his prey, leaving a nice scar across his chest. The pirate howled in pain, but returned his attack in kind. Quickly, Robin bent backwards to dodged out of the way, stabbing at the pirate in the meantime. The vagrant dodge as he clothes got cut, muttering profanity as he stared down the hero.

"… with a spell scroll." Robin heard him mutter. Slapping his ear a couple of times, the rogue was glad to have his hearing back.

Robin spat back, using a few knife tricks he learned in the Ylissen Army to try and intimidate him. "I have no idea what you said, but after you!" The rogue flung back in, leaving another hearty blow across his chest. The pirate fell backwards, dropping his scimitar in the process. With his own hearty yell, Robin jumped on top of him, delivering a devastating punch to the face finish his foe.

"Great job, Squire Robin!" He looked up, still panting heavily. Sir Bacon, Ydraxxel, and Thoridan came walking towards him, proud looks in their eyes. The battle seemed to have concluded, most of the pirates unconscious on the floor. A few of them were frozen, most likely Mega Man's work.

"For your first combat encounter, you didn't do too badly!" Pac-Man extended his hand, which he gladly accepted. As he helped him up, he added, "Especially with a dagger!"

"It would've ended swifter if he had a real weapon." said Mega Man in his deep voice. Out of character, he added, "But seriously, good job!"

"I just rolled a bunch of dice and said things." Robin deadpanned, trying to play it off. "I didn't do anything."

"Neigh Squire Robin! For the fact of the matter is…" A screaming yell came echoing from behind him, making Mr. Game and Watch sigh. "Uno momento, por favor." The Knight of the Vorpal Order swung around, using the hilt of his blade to knock aside the charging pirate. The man fell to the ground instantly, unconscious.

"As I was saying…" Mr. Game and Watch cleared his throat. "Neigh Squire Robin! For the fact of the matter is while the dice dictated what we did, it was in fact your willingness to comply, to fight alongside your allies that gave us the upper hand! It was not the fact that you were willing to roll dice, but the fact that you were willing to imagine along with us in spirit of the campaign. The way you described you attacks and movements added tremendously to our experience."

"Okay, Sir Bacon." Pac-Man interrupted, a small smile across his face. "I think—"

"It was our spirits working in harmony, in sync that added to the happiness that is spreading through my heart like a wildfire!" the Flatlander continued as he rolled his fingers into a ball and slammed it against his heart. "Why, without you this would've been another enemy to smite, but now… it is something so much more!"

"Here we go…" Mega Man rolled his eyes.

"Why! You may have only delivered justice to one foe, but it is the spirit of creativity that gets to thank you! Squire Robin! On behalf of the universe, I, Sir Bacon, KNIGHT OF UNSILENCED APPRECIATION, thank your service to the world!" He wiped away a black stillhouse of a tear. "I shed water in this time of light!"

"On the bright side…" Pac-Man walked back over to the group, coinage in his hand. "I tallied up the total amount we got from the pirates and the amount we have in general. And good news! We have enough money for four riding horses and seven days rations for the each of us!" He looked towards his construct companion, who was cleaning the blood from his new hat. "You know, for the ones of us that can eat…"

Sir Bacon stood up erect, a joyous grin on his already excited demeanor. "What a delight to hear! Shall we purchase the proper—"

"Excuse me…"

"AHHH!" Mr. Game and Watch whipped around, pulling out his sword and holding it directly at the newcomer's neck. "Hark, it's the tavern boy from the Drunken Dolphin! My apologies!" He sheathed his sword, relaxing his tense muscles.

"Umm…" The boy looked scared beyond belief, barely managing to sputter out his words. "Y-you for-fforgot to p-ppay your mon-money-y…"

"Oh." Pac-Man frowned, pulling out a ledger. "I have it marked here that I did. Ydraxxel, did you not give it to the quartermaster?"

"A thousand times yes, I did!" said Mega Man. Robin could tell that the robot looked genuinely confused. "Right before we left, I threw the coin bag at his face!"

"I-I'm sorry." The boy was shivering now. "He… That's w-what…"

"Fear not, young man!" Mr. Game and Watch rubbed the top of his head, spreading his hair everywhere. "We have plenty of money to spare!" Pac-Man shook his head no rapidly, trying to silence the noble, but the Flatlander would have none of this. "Sir Frostbeard: please supply the appropriate money for our frail companion here!"

"Well…" Pac-Man looked towards Robin and shrugged. "There goes that…"

.o0O0o.

"So, factoring in 85 gold pieces for room and board (because Sir Bacon had to have the penthouse), 25 gold pieces for my sermon, 100 gold pieces for the medical expenses after Ydraxxel broke that tiefling's back, and 500 gold pieces for destroying the chimney, how much does that leave us with, Ydraxxel?"

Mega Man poured out their leftover coinage onto a barrel, which was acting as a makeshift desk. The four men, plus their young acquaintance, all crowded around six measly coins, most of them dull and boring in the shadows of the party.

"Wait…" Thoridan held up a finger. "Tax."

Sheepishly, Ydraxxel pulled away five gold pieces, placing them into the young boy's hand. "This is sufficient. Now leave me, liar."

With a nervous squeak, the tavern boy dashed away, running as fast as he could back towards his employment. His small bag of new coins was filled to the brim, practically bursting with money. The metallic man stared off after him, his gauntlets on his hips. "I swear by the Levartes Gems, I delivered the money to the master!"

"Perhaps you drop it somewhere?" Robin suggest. While Mega Man shot him a look of gratitude, his allies still didn't look convinced of the evil tin man's promise.

"Well then." Pac-Man closed his ledger, picking up the gold piece and sticking it back into his pocket. "I'm used to surviving thrifty. Hope you guys enjoy fried centipede!"

"By foot we must strive." said Sir Bacon, looking outwards towards the city walls. "Hark heroes! Meet at the gates of the city, and we shall embark towards our destination. Ydraxxel and I will see if my influence can procure us steeds. Meanwhile, Squire Robin and Sir Frostbeard shall gather whatever supplies for our trip. Make haste!"

As they broke up, Ydraxxel repeated, "I know I gave him the money! Where did he put it?"

"Sure you did." Mr. Game and Watch rolled his eyes. "Just like you didn't kill that guard on purpose."

"Not my fault if he can't sidestep…"

.o0O0o.

The tavern boy dashed off back towards his employment. However, before he turned into the Drunken Dolphin, he took a left, starting down a dark alleyway. The constant looks behind him suggested at his shady dealing. He started shuddering, holding out the coinage in front of him as if it was some sort of disease, something to be destroyed in a volcano and cast away. A brush of cool air rippled through the dank corridor, making the boy even more nervous than before.

"I got the money, like you ask." The tavern boy said in his weak voice. "Please don't hurt me."

A voice chuckled, at first silent, but then suddenly booming. The boy dropped the bag and grabbed his ears, trying to ease the pain of the grating voice.

"Good. Leave me now." The voice said. "I grow weary of your presence."

As the boy turned away to head back inside the tavern, he paused, a strange wave of courage rushing over him. "Why do you want their money?" He asked, not even recognizing his words as they left his mouth.

"You ask too many questions." The voice replied.

"…This is my first one."

"Oh." The disembodied voice cleared its throat. "Well, everyone gets one." Although the boy couldn't see it, he felt a wave of nausea rush over him, as if the person was smiling. If the boy had any regret for robbing the adventurers, it surfaced here now as he waited for their answer.

"Because I need to kill all of them."

* * *

_Time: 1345 Hours_

_Location: The High Road, heading towards Neverwinter_

_The Great Outdoors, Mother Nature_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

"I am so sorry, by the way." said Pac-Man to Robin. "I completely forgot that Thunderwave deafened everybody nearby except me. I just needed enough space to Disengage."

"It's fine." The tactician reassured him. "Spells can be annoying; I've learned that in more than one world at this point."

The heroes, unfortunately, couldn't secure any land vehicles to aid in their adventure. Mr. Game and Watch insisted on saving the last gold piece, but even he knew that they had to have at least some travelling supplies. Pac-Man had bought one days ration at an extremely cheap price, saying that when they ran out they could rely on Survival checks for food. Ydraxxel and Sir Bacon actually hoped that turning in the pirates might have a reward, but the City Watch only gave them a lame old "thanks." Struggling to survive seemed to be this campaign's theme, Robin reflected.

The High Road was a well defined road. Mind you, Robin had studied some history, and the fact that they had managed to create such a long and winding trail in such an early period was quite impressive. Increased commerce, easier travel, troop movement … One of the key elements to any civilization was access to roads. Even the ancient Romans knew that.

The trail was a mixture between dirt and gravel, winding through the forest in a long snake-like pattern. On horseback, they might have easily breezed past the green tree line and the open pasture, but unfortunately for them travel by foot was the only option. Sir Bacon took the lead, followed by the hero of Pac-Land and Robin, with Ydraxxel taking the back. The iron armored construct was still angrily muttering about the bag of coins, but for the most part the group has ignored him. Mr. Game and Watch had travelled on ahead to scout the trail for potential bandits, but so far the journey seemed a breeze. ROB had decided to give Robin and Pac-Man some roleplay time while Mr. Game and Watch used the bathroom and Mega Man fixed a bug with his voice modulator, so the two Smashers were left alone to talk.

"So…"

"So…"

Robin scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Umm… I don't know how to do this."

"We don't have to do this." Pac-Man offered. "I'm not much of the roleplayer myself. Just like hanging out with the guys."

"Oh thank Naga." Robin rolled down his shoulders, his forehead drooping with relief. "I'm so sorry, by the way."

"For what?" Pac-Man asked, raising one of his well-defined eyebrows for emphasis.

"My boss kinda… blackmailed me into being here tonight. I am not really sure if you even wanted me here."

"Pish posh!" The hero of Pac-Land waved his hand. "It's always a pleasure. And besides," he added, "Bart— that waiter with the scarf, right?— is usually right. The first time I came here, he helped me out with some issues I had with Jigglypuff."

"You've been here before?" The mage hadn't heard this story before. "Huh. Small world."

"I wasn't going to be the one to say it," continued Pac-Man, "but I can only assume you're here to amend things with Mr. G, huh? Some of the other Smashers have been noticing your strange attitude towards him as of late."

"What about his strange attitude towards me?"

"Well…" The yellow sphere paused, taking a moment to think. "Are you aware of Mr. Game and Watch's complex?"

"Hmm?" Robin had heard a few of the older Smashers throw it around here and there, but he never delved too deep into it. "No I'm not familiar."

The hero of Pac-Land paused again, adjusting where he was sitting. "I don't know if you know this, but Mr. Game and Watch sees the world differently than ours. He can only see black and white— figuratively speaking. There's no gray area where he comes from. I guess that's not something we share with the Second Dimension."

Robin had heard something along the lines of this before, but once again he never cared enough to ask. Even though he somewhat considered the Flatlander his friend, he was slowly beginning to realize that he actually knew nothing about him.

"You see, a couple years back, way before I joined, a group of Smashers decided that they needed to teach Mr. G the ethics of our world, the morality of the Third Dimension, if you will. For some reason, he was having trouble understanding when it was okay for certain scenarios, like stealing. He was a kleptomaniac, I've heard. Kept taking things from other people. So a few Smashers had this idea: what if the best way to teach him was to show him? The first idea was a video, but Mr. Game and Watch was still having problems processing the 3D spaces. The second idea, if I remember correctly, was to fake the scenario and have Mr. G respond. That was shot down by Master Hand when he learned that someone wanted to use dynamite. Finally, it was Crazy Hand who figured out the best option. I bet you can guess what that was."

Robin sat there for a moment in contemplation. "Dungeons and Dragons?" That would explain why Mr. Game and Watch was so passionate about the game.

"Bingo!" Pac-Man gave him his signature thumbs up. "A world filled with grays! Mr. Game and Watch has a crazy talent for mimicking other people, so Crazy Hand suggested roleplaying as a safer alternative (I guess even he has great ideas sometimes). That way, he could see the scenario, act it out, and if he ever came upon something like that he knew how to process it. Lessons were a lot easier that way, you see. While he still can't comprehend beyond black and white, he can at least fake it. I'm sure you've heard references to the first group."

"Sergio, right? And Captain Coralbeard?"

"Yeah. Er, Coralbeard wasn't an ally. Our first party was Sergio I.G.L.E.S.I.A.S., Randolf the Fey, Targum Kepeshkmolik, and Sir Bacon. Most of the original group split up after Sergio was banished by a lich to an extradimensional prison, but Mega Man and I picked up where they left off. After all," Pac-Man shrugged away from Robin's view. "we don't have a lot of fans or friends."

Robin shifted uncomfortably. "Oh." He knew a little too much about the last part.

"On the bright side," Pac-Man sat up straight, forcing a grin "we got each other, and that's all that matters, right? Sorry to get you down with the sappy stuff. Er, if I may go back to your original point, my best suggestion to you is to show him that what he did was wrong. Just talking to him won't do. Use the game to your advantage. I'm on your side here, bud: he shouldn't have done what he did, but then again his number one focus is self preservation. You got this, kid." He gave Robin a friendly punch on the arm and a real smile. Robin returned in kind.

.o0O0o.

"Gentlemen!" Sir Bacon came jogging back from the front. Sweat was pouring down his forehead. Panting, he bent over and rested his hands on his knees. "One second… Man, I should take the Mobile Feat."

"What is it?" Ydraxxel pushed passed the other two party members. Even he seemed nervous.

"On your guard!" Mr. Game and Watch drew out his red and black sword, turning around and pointing ahead on the trail. "Gaze thine glimpsers upon the road that proceeds us. There is an encampment over the ridge, and I lack the sight to identify whether they are friend or foe. Galumph carefully upon this road, and move at a watchful pace!"

"What ridge?" asked Robin, fingering the blade of his dagger. He was wondering why he didn't take one of the scimitar. "I don't see a ridge."

"Over there." The Life Cleric pointed again.

The mage frowned again. "I still don't see it."

"Squire Robin," Sir Bacon intervened. "May thou make a Perception check for me?"

_Perception DC: 10_

_Robin's Roll: 11-2=9_

"Why Squire!" Sir Bacon exclaimed. "Why is thine Wisdom Modifier a -2?!"

"I thought Wisdom was your dump stat." Robin frowned, pulling out his character sheet.

"This is fantastic." Mega Man growled sarcastically. "Why the heck wouldn't you put your negative modifier in your Strength? You don't even use Strength!"

"I thought I used Strength for fighting!" Robin looked over it again.

"Finesse, you dingus." Pac-Man teased him. "You scale off Dexterity, not Strength."

"I mean, how screwed am I?" inquired Robin, a little vexed by the whole shenanigan.

_Dexterity Saving Throw DC: 19_

_Mr. Game and Watch's Roll: Natural 20!_

_Critical Success!_

An arrow whizzed straight towards the party. While the others had plenty of time to react, Robin didn't seem to notice the arrow coming straight at his face. By some pure whim, Sir Bacon jumped towards his ally, grabbing the arrow by the shaft before it hit his ally.

"Huh." Mr. Game and Watch said, frozen in place. "Two Natural 20s for the exact same thing. Let's not make this a habit." He winked at Robin, giving him a sense of reassurance.

"Show yourself, fiend!" Mega Man commanded, forming magical fire in his gauntlets. "Or shall I burn the forest down to kill one man?"

"Wait a second…" The 2D roleplayer picked up the arrow, examining its craftsmanship. "Yew shaft… Slate arrowhead… Rooster feathers… There's only one person I know with such sloppy handwork." Quickly, he ran in front of Ydraxxel, sheathing his sword. "Stand down, my friend!"

"I'm not your friend." The metal man obeyed begrudgingly.

"What's happening?" Robin whispered to Pac-Man.

"I'm not sure." Was the reply.

All eyes were transfixed on Sir Bacon as he walked out into the clearing, his hands empty and extended. "I've seen Orcs that could shoot at turkeys better than you! And I should know!"

"Only because they didn't have someone to catch their arrows for them!" A voice shouted back from the forest.

"Wait…" Robin frowned. "I know that voice…"

"Then prove it!" Mr. Game and Watch challenged. "I am but a defenseless Porc for you to draw your bow at. Shoot me!"

_Mr. Game and Watch's Armor Class: 17_

_? Attack Roll: 10+1+6=17_

_Damage Roll: 4 Piercing_

Another arrow came whizzing towards the Waterdhavian Noble, hitting him straight in the shoulder. Mr. Game and Watch cried out in surprise, looking at the ammunition lodge in his body.

"You actually shot me!"

"You asked me too!" The voice retorted.

"I didn't actually mean it!"

"Meh. Always wanted to do that."

"What is going on?" Robin interrupted, stepping towards the 2D hero.

"My friends! Everything is okay!" Sir Bacon chuckled. "Everybody, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine! Come on out!"

Rustling of the bushes alerted the party as a single man stepped from the shadows. He seemed to be a black scaled monstrosity, with the golden eyes of a cat and a tongue of a serpent. The man was wearing white armor, an open gauntlet in the center. As he left the forest, he put back his bow and started laughing. "Sir Bacon!"

"Targum Kepeshkmolik!" The two men embraced each other in a joyful reunion.

"Wait…" Sudden realization washed over Robin. "That's…"

* * *

_Time: 2104 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City, World Capital_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

"Wario!" Mr. Game and Watch exclaimed, standing up.

"Mr. G!" Robin and Pac-Man jumped in surprise as they realized that the overweight Smasher was sitting right in between them. Wario stood up as well, embracing his fellow roleplayer in a hug. The rest of them stared in confusion.

"How long was he sitting there?" asked Robin. His companions shrugged, just as clueless as him.

"I didn't realized you came to Game Night!" said Mr. Game and Watch when they let go. "How long has ROB known?"

"Received message at 2010 hours." stated ROB. "Message processed and received, Wario."

"Excellent!" Wario clapped his hands together and plopped back next to Robin and Pac-Man. He put his arms around them, forcing the two to scoot away. "What's the adventure?"

"We are on our way to recover the first Levartes Gem!" replied Mr. Game and Watch. "Care to join us, Sir Targum?"

"My pleasure!" Wario grabbed one of the Flatlander's black stillhouse of what appeared to be sausage and started chomping on it like a pig. Chucks of meat and saliva sailed all over the table, covering Pac-Man's character sheet and the twenty-sided die. Disgusted, the hero of Pac-Land picked up the sheet from the corner, wincing.

"It's fine." He squinted at the repugnant remains. "I needed to burn this anyways."

* * *

_Time: 1350 Hours_

_Location: The High Road, heading towards Neverwinter_

_The Great Outdoors, Mother Nature_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

Now it wasn't that Robin just mistrusted Wario.

It was just the fact that Wario was Wario.

"My friend." said Targum in a deep but airy voice. "I'm glad you're here! What plagues your effort?"

"We must arrive at the Crypt of Saint Bernard before dawn breaks." Sir Bacon explained. "As you can see, we have no provisions and are lacking of steeds."

"You know your journey lies at least a week's journey away?" Wario told him. "You're stupid if you think you can get there by foot!" Turning towards the rest of the group, he asked, "Which one of you losers is Ydraxxel?"

"Me." Mega Man raised his hand. He frowned. "We fought. Twice."

"Meh, you villains blend all together for me." waved Wario. "Nice hat, by the way."

While the Destroyer of Worlds adjusted his head wear out of embarrassment, Robin leaned over towards Thoridan. "How does he know all of this stuff about our campaign?" He whispered softly.

Pac-Man didn't seemed to be bothered by it. "Dude, Targum is a Level 20 Oath of Vengeance Black Dragonborn Paladin!" He replied excitedly. "If anyone can help us, he can!"

Robin still wasn't convinced. "If you don't mind me asking," interjected the tactician. "Why is Sir Bacon Level 10 and Targum Level 20 if you both adventured together?"

"I was wondering the same thing…" nodded the Flatlander, except he wasn't as suspicious as the mage. "Do tell us."

Wario walked over to the rogue, grabbed his head, put it underneath his armpit, and gave him a noogie. "Grinding in other dimensions gets you places." He said. Leaning in towards his pinned for, he added, "Don't question me or I'll show you."

He let go of Robin, who shuffled away awkwardly. "Right!" clapped Wario. "Where was I?"

"You said my name." Mega Man repeated.

"Ah! Yes!" Wario laughed his grating laugh. "Teleport: you have the spell, no?"

"A Level Seven spell, yes." Ydraxxel nodded. "But I wanted to save my spell slot. I only get two of those."

"Hark!" exclaimed Mr. Game and Watch. "How long have you been sitting on this?"

"This is why you need me." Targum shoved Sir Bacon playfully. "I got this."

"I am extremely disappointed in you, Ydraxxel." Sir Bacon agreed. "Please, save us the trouble and teleport us there."

Mega Man tried to say something, but he hung his head in defeat. "Fine. Gather around me."

The adventurers gathered around the iron man, grabbing on to everyone in an arm hug. "Bippity BAM!"

* * *

_Time: 1400 Hours_

_Location: The settlement of Caprisun_

_Sword Mountains_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

The village of Caprisun was a small mining settlement that had sprung up due to a vein of silver that had been found. Dwarves, Elves, Gnomes, Halflings, and Humans alike had dashed towards fame and fortune. After a while, the vein had dried up, leaving nothing more than rock and dirt underneath the village. Even the Dwarves couldn't find anything else. While most of the people left the city after this major disappointment, the Lord's Alliance deemed it important due to its location on the Sword Mountains as an easy defensive point and trading post. Most of who remained were soldiers in training or merchants who used the lack of supplies posts along the High Road to their advantage.

Ydraxxel had travelled to the village long ago, when he was destroying the remnants of a group of refugees from one of his escapades, so was easy for him to safely teleport them there without any incident. When the group broke off, they found themselves just outside the city limits. Sir Bacon laughed, placing his hands on his hips.

"What magic! I applaud you, Targum!" He smiled a great big grin. Mega Man frowned at the praise of Wario.

"What can I say?" the overweight Dragonborn shrugged. "I know my stuff."

"By the way…" said Thoridan, pausing in front of the Half-Porc knight. "Do you want me to remove that arrow from your shoulder now, Sir Bacon?"

"Hmm?" Mr. Game and Watch looked at his wound, which was still there. "Huh, I forgot about that. Yes please."

"Ha!" Wario laughed, grabbing his stomach and rolling around like a buffoon. "You're so stupid sometimes!"

"Er, didn't you have an encampment you left behind?" Robin pointed out. The paladin froze, deep in thought.

"Huh. Guess I just left two prisoners loose on Waterdeep." The Dragonborn shrugged. "Oh well."

"Ah!" Pac-Man removed the ammunition in Mr. G's shoulder with a good pull. "There we go! Let me just cast Healing Word and we'll be good!"

"Don't worry." Wario came waddling up to the Half-Porc, pushing the hero of Pac-Land out of his way. Pac-Man landed on the ground with a hard thud. "I got Lay on Hands. Free of charge."

user:Mr_Game_and_Watch is now at Max HP

"Ha! I forgot how great it was to have a Paladin on our allied side!" chuckled Mr. Game and Watch. "Tally ho then!"

"Yeah…" Mega Man and Robin helped Pac-Man to his feet. "Sure is great…" Thoridan mumbled.

"Before we go," said Wario, arrogantly turning towards the party, "Ydraxxel, Sir Bacon and I should stop at the Town Hall while Thoridan and Squire-sucks-at-naming-Robin goes to the Monastery on the hill."

"Why?" asked Robin. He was becoming increasingly more suspicious of the newcomer as the night progressed. "Why the monastery?"

"Because you need the priest's blessing, you idiot!" The fat chubby man flapped his arms like a bird. "You want to go defile a crypt for no good reason? That's arrogant and disrespectful! Sir Bacon and I are going to get the key to the Crypt from the mayor. Are you trying to sabotage the mission?"

Realizing his mistake, Robin started fumbling for words. "Well then, umm... Why can't Ydraxxel come with us?"

"Because," Sir Bacon rolled his eyes. "He still needs to be informed of the goodness of the world, and who better to travel with than the two most just people this side of Sword Coast?"

"Hurts right here…" said Pac-Man as he pat his heart.

"Come on, we're burning daylight." Wario barked. Before they split up, the Paladin grabbed Robin's arm, squeezing around it tightly.

"Nothing personal, buddy." He whispered through clenched teeth. "Just like paying off debts. We good?"

The tactician shifted uncomfortably. "Sure." Was his static reply.

"Good. See you around, buddy." With that, Wario waddled off to his group. Robin wasn't sure what that was about, but whatever was happening, he knew it wasn't good.

.o0O0o.

Caprisun was a town wedged into a valley. Most of the roads were dirt, but some of the finer paths were cobblestone, like the one leading up the hill towards the monastery. The climb was steep, but Robin and Thoridan begrudgingly trudged onwards, hoping the payoff was worth it.

"Is it just me," The tactician said, "or is Wario really unnerving?"

"It's not just you." Pac-Man agreed. "Ever since he joined the party Sir Bacon has been all over him like he's a griddle." When Robin didn't laugh, he frowned. "Oh come on, that was funny."

"No it wasn't."

"It was to me."

"That makes one."

"Shut up." Pac-Man rolled his eyes. "You're just jealous you didn't think of that one first."

Robin smirked. "On the other hand, Wario just could be helping us, right? He sent you, the Cleric, to go get the blessing, so that might be good, right?"

Pac-Man shrugged. "I'm not exactly a 'traditional' Cleric."

"Come again?"

"Well, you see…" Pac-Man pulled out his leatherback ledger. Robin had seen it before, but just always assumed it was something to do with their party's money. "I follow the teachings of Adam Smith."

"Adam Smith." deadpanned Robin. "You mean the guy who wrote_ An Inquiry into the Wealth of Nations_?"

"Yep! One of the first proprietors unbridled capitalism!" Pac-Man smiled. "I have his book right here!" He reached in his satchel and pulled out the book.

"You he didn't —"

"Yeah yeah, I know. He didn't actually push unbridled capitalism, he was just the foundation." He looked up at the sky, a determined look in his eye. "My hope is to spread his economic classical liberalism to the whole world! I've already converted the town of Phandilin from feudalism to capitalism, and it's only a matter of time before my ideas take Waterdeep by storm!"

They finally reached the top of the road, resting a bit before they entered the monastery. "But how are you a Life Cleric if you don't have a deity to draw your powers from?" asked Robin, knocking on the huge doors in front of him.

Thoridan paused, a hand underneath his chin. "Huh. I guess Capitalism brings life to the economy?"

Before Robin could respond, the huge doors opened, revealing a spacious and vast interior. The brown smooth tile made way to a blank space covered in pale green carpet in the center. Doors aligned the rooms paper thin walls, and due to the monastery's size Robin could conclude that it only went farther. Sunbeams from the translucent ceiling seemed to be the only source of light in the room, littering the floor in what appeared to be a floral pattern. As they entered, the doors closed behind them, almost automatically.

A monk stepped from the shadows, bowing to their unexpected guests. "My children," she said, "welcome to our place of peace. Please, before you come in, leave your shoes and weapons at the door."

Robin raised his eyebrow. "No weapons?" He repeated, fingering the dagger in his pocket.

"I'm sorry, but that is our way." She replied. "We do not allow vagrants to destroy our home."

"It's pretty commonplace, Robin." agreed the Life Cleric. He had already taken off his boots, revealing his hairy Dwarfish feet. "It's no big deal."

"If you say so…" The tactician took off his shoes and placed them at the door. He was about to forfeit his dagger as well, but Wario's words still echoed in his mind. Pulling his dagger out, he acted like he was dropping it in his boot, but in reality snuck the blade in his sleeve.

_Sleight of Hand DC: 15_

_Robin's Roll: 12+6=18_

"I'm ready." said Robin as he stood up, maintaining his suspicion. The monk looked pleased, a little too pleased in the mage's opinion.

"Follow me." She said, motioning towards the end of the room. Exchanging glances, Robin and Thoridan obeyed. The rogue's rough bare feet shuffled against the ground as he walked towards the door as fast as he could. He could feel the stare of unseen monks as he passed, making him quicken his pace. When they arrived, she nodded. "Please, be respectful when visiting the Master. She is sensitive towards any rash movements, so be warned. Don't look her in the eyes."

Once again, Robin shifted uncomfortably, but out of respect he obeyed. The monk opened the door and motioned the adventurers inside. Thoridan and Robin took their seats swiftly and quietly, staring at the green carpet beneath them.

"Welcome to my Monastery. I am the Master." A voice said. It was feminine and mysterious, but for some reason Robin felt like he had heard it somewhere from a far dream. Perhaps in a passing moment on the street? "How may assist the party of the famed Sir Bacon?"

"We seek passage into the Crypt of Saint Bernard, my lady." said Pac-Man respectfully. "We ask that you only bless our party as not to upset the restless spirits that lie in your domain. I bring an offering." He reached inside his pouch and pulled what looked to be a casket of Dwarvish ale, the label so aged by time that it cracked the letters that once remained there.

"Good year, too." The Master took the bottle from his hand. "Yes, I indeed grant your party passage into the holy ground. I thank your for your tithes and hope you accept the blessing from my master."

Robin felt a sprinkle of water splash the back of his neck. "Now," she continued, "let me bring you my gifts."

The cleric and the rogue remained still as the Master got up and left the room, closing the doors behind her. After a moment of confused glances, they craned their heads back upwards and looked at each other.

The mage felt tense, a shiver rippling down his spine. Something didn't add up here. First the boy, then Wario's sudden appearance, then the Master. Now that he thought about it, Wario knew a few things that he shouldn't have known, like how Mega Man was playing Ydraxxel. Wait a minute…

How did he know about Ydraxxel's hat?

"Pac-Man?" said Robin, his mind whirring with thought. "You said that Wario— er, Targum— was there when they defeated Ydraxxel, yes?"

"I didn't say that, but yes, he was."

"Was he there when they got the locket where his spirit was?"

"I think Mr. G said that, yes…"

"And how positive were you in the fact that Mega Man paid the tavern already? That maybe the boy was put up to robbing us dry."

"I'm nearly one-hundred percent sure…" Thoridan stood up, a horrified expression on his face. His black eyes grew wide as he reached the same conclusion as the tactician. "What are you suggesting Robin?"

"Just answer me one more question: did you see anyone when we walked up the hill towards the monastery?"

"No…"

Robin stood up too, pulling out his dagger. "How did she know we are from Sir Bacon's group if we just arrived in the city less than ten minutes ago?"

The doors flung open, a cackle echoing through the corridor. Turning around, Robin was shocked to see an all too familiar face, surrounded by a hoard of female monks. Pac-Man and Robin took a step back, the later nearly tripping over his chair as he tried to get into a combative position.

"Well well well…" Ashley the Witch cackled, crossing her arms together and grinning as big as a half-moon. "You guys are exactly the ingredients I seek: two gullible buffoon. Wario told me it would be like walking a dog down the street. I just didn't expect the dogs to fall into my trap so easily."

"I got a dagger." said Robin, wielding it defensively in front of him. Even Pac-Man rolled his eyes.

"Oh you men and your small daggers. As I always say: I've seen bigger." With a wave of her hand, she commanded her monks. "Kill 'em, girls." With that, she whistled for her broomstick. With a flick of her wand and a "Ha ha!", she opened a portal and disappeared to who knows where, leaving the heroes to their almost certain deaths.

Combat has started

Luckily for Robin, the tactician got the first strike. As quick as he could, he grabbed the chair behind him and threw it into the crowd. It came crashing in front of them, knocking a few of the monks away. Thoridan grabbed his own chair and let out a ferocious scream, using the confusion as an advantage to force them back through the choke point. His gritted determination seemed to drive back the monks, his adrenaline matching the strength of three men.

"Behind you, Robin!" Pac-Man cried out when one of them disappeared. "These are Way of the Shadow Monks! They can teleport into darkness!"

_Shadow Monk Damage Roll: 9 bludgeoning_

_user:Robin 17/30 HP_

Robin barely had time to react as a thunderous punch knocked him to the ground, making him wince in pain. Looming over him was a mirthful monk, cracking her knuckles and rolling her neck. The Ylissen felt a surge of panic as he tried as hard as possible to escape her grasp.

"What the heck!" Robin complained, trying to Disengage and dodge the flurry of punches coming his way. "These girls hit harder than those stupid pirates!"

"They're Monks, Robin! They're amazing early game but suck late game!" The hero of Pac-Land barely managed to force another monk backwards with the chair, fending them off left and right. "I won't be able to hold them off much longer! I'm just rolling high!"

Robin crawled along the floor, getting bludgeoned by the monk over him. Crawling towards the wall, he threw the dagger at the woman, who only caught it easily and return it with more force than before. The tactician rolled out of the way, just getting nicked on the thigh.

"I'm kind of distracted myself, thank you very much." Robin glowered when he realized his back was against the wall like a sack of potatoes. "I hope you make it, Pac-Man."

_Monk's Attack Roll: 1!_

_Critical Failure!_

The monk let out a scream, charging towards the rogue. As he braced himself for a finishing blow, the monk tripped over her own foot, crashing into the wall overhead. The wall tore easily, opening the room to the great outdoors. Grabbing his dagger, the Ylissen stood up and looked out the newly formed window to the cliff below.

"Pac-Man!" Robin called out. "We can get out this way!"

"What?!" Thoridan threw the chair at their pursuers, closing the doors as fast as he could and holding it shut. Now that he was facing Robin, the tactician could see his doubtful glance. "That's a cliff! Do you want us to jump?"

"You got a better idea?!"

The dwarf from Mithral Hall nearly fell forward from the force of the monks. Robin ran up to help him, using his body as a weight. "Well…" Thoridan shrugged. "Hope we make it…"

Robin looked at him, trying to act confident in their desperate attempt for survival. "On the count of—" The door surged forward. "Screw it, jump!"

The heroes dashed towards the hole, ignoring the screams of frustration and anger behind them. Robin closed his eyes and said a silent prayer, feeling the wind surrounding him blow upwards as he fell towards the ground helplessly.

_Dexterity Saving Throw DC: 16_

_Robin's Roll: 5+6=11_

_Pac-Man's Roll: 7-1=6_

They fell to the ground hard.

* * *

"Ah!" Sir Bacon, Ydraxxel, and Targum left the Mayor's office, happily wielding the key to the crypt. Negotiations with the mayor had went smoothly, especially when the request was from the legendary knight of the Vorpal Order. Wario proudly held the key, holding it up to the light. As crusted and old as it was, there was a certain old-timer charm to it.

"I cannot wait for the others to return!" Sir Bacon chortled happily. "I am excited— nah, ECSTATIC!— to venture into the crypt and recover the Gem! This excitement is something I cannot contain within this small mortal form!"

"Yeah yeah, me too." Wario agreed hastily, looking away at the Half-Porc and towards his belt. He rubbed his hands greedily as he stared at the hero's weapon. "Hey, mind if I see your sword?"

"Hmm? Of course you can, Sir Kepeshkmolik! Why, anything for an old friend!" He pulled out the red and black sword and handed it to the suspicious paladin with even giving it a second thought.

"You know," Wario began admiring the sword in the sunlight. The light reflected the red metal, beaming onto the floor. "I don't do much reading. Too many words. Seriously, only loser read. But you know what? I picked up a book once._ Through the Looking Glass_ by Lewis Carroll. Found it quite interesting. You want to know about it?"

"No." said Ydraxxel at the same time Sir Bacon said "Indeed!"

"Are you aware of the story behind the Vorpal Blade?" Targum asked, practicing his swordsmanship.

"Indeed: it was the sword that slayed the Jabberwocky." Mr. Game and Watch nodded. He started to shift uncomfortably as he noticed the Paladin's swift and sudden swings as if he was actually attacking an enemy. "Why do you ask?"

"'The vorpal blade went snicker-snack.'" He quoted. The Half-Porc grew even more uncomfortable as Wario came closer and closer to the knight, each swing getting higher and higher, closer and closer. "Snicker-snack. It's such a good word."

"Sir Kepeshkmolik! Be careful where you swing that blade! You must know what happens when one rolls—"

"A natural 20 on the Vorpal Sword?" cackled Wario. Sir Bacon found himself pinned against the wall, unable to move away. "Instant decapitation. Funny how that works, huh? Strange too: I was just talking with a Level 15 Divination Wizard. You know, the ones that can replace one of my rolls? Pretty cool huh? Want to know what's even cooler? It was a natural 20."

"That's fantastic and all, but I do request you return my sword at—"

"Can it!" Wario shouted with the characteristic anger he was known for "It was always about you, Mr. Game and Watch! No one was ever able to have fun unless 'Sir Bacon' was at the head of it! But now I'm finally powerful enough to end this charade! I've killed your friends , and now it's time to kill you!"

"Ydraxxel!" Mr. Game and Watch grabbed the locket around his neck, fear in his eyes. "Save me!"

At first, the metal man sluggishly moved to help his master, but he stopped when Wario said, "Yes, Ydraxxel. Help your master with anything."

An aura of happiness emanated from the helmed horror when he realized what he meant. Sir Bacon flinched when he came to the same conclusion. "I will save you." Ydraxxel laughed. He leaned in until he was almost touching the knight's face.

"A whole lot of money when I shop at Smash Mart."

_Sir Bacon's Armor Class: 17_

_Wario's Attack Roll: 3—_

_Wizard Portent!_

_Wario's Attack Roll: Natural 20!_

_Critical Success!_

"Off with his head." Wario laughed.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, this chapter is now a three-parter. I am in the process of writing the third part (about 4000 words in), and I expect to finish it this month and post it early August. I have some plans for the following months, but I can't continue until I finish this, so I'm going to try and get it out ASAP. I walked a mile to post this chapter, and hopefully I won't have to for the next update. Editing this was a pain due to the connection, so I'm glad it got our fine.**

**Also, if anyone is confused due to the names of the characters and the names of the Smashers, let me know. Someone mentioned it to me, so if it's too confusing I might just stick with their real names.**

**Anyways, see you next time! As always, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a fantastic day everybody!**

**Until we meet again,**

**-CD**

* * *

"Difficultly Class."

"What?"

"It's Difficultly Class, not Difficulty Check."

Pac-Man shook his head. "You just got decapitated and that's what you have to say?"

Mr. Game and Watch shrugged. "I'm just saying, now Robin's going to think it's Difficulty Check and not Difficulty Class."

"I'm still here." said Robin. "I can hear everything you're saying."

"Huh." The two men acted oblivious to his statement. Aloud, Mr. G said "What now?"

* * *

_Guest Response Corner _

_ (Going to get all the reviews I missed done now)_

_Apple (Chapter 8): First off, sorry this response over a year in waiting. Umm... My bad. Anyways, thanks for your review. I'm glad you thought this chapter was touching, mainly because I worked so hard on it. This took the most thinking out of every chapter I've written, even though Chapter 9 took a year to come out with. It was an experience for me, and I'm glad to hear that it was an experience for you. And seriously, what is the deal with those Cucoo?_

_Inaros (Chapter 6&amp;9): The Lamp! Smash King24 is a huge inspiration behind my work (if you're reading this, SK24, you rock!) He was still posting It Came From Lucina's Head when I started this story. If you can't tell, his Robin-Falcon duo was one of the main inspirations for me to add Robin into the story, amongst other reasons. His writing continues to amaze me, and it makes me happy to hear you compare me to him. The Smash City setting was heavily inspired by Koopaling Fan, who suggested just more than the Smash Mansion, and another major factor in my writing includes Paradigm of Writing, whose writing and descriptions are out of this world. Check them out if you like this line of work._

_As for Chapter 9, most of that was inspired by classic gangster motifs. And Star Fax... well... you might see more of that later..._

_Vector (Chapter 11): I was so nervous for this chapter, but your review inspired confidence to continue. Inside The Falcon House is hard to continue writing about, mainly because you can only describe the same place so many times before you have to get creative. My love of D&amp;D inspired me to write this chapter, and a few references (Captain Coralbeard and Thoridan Frostbeard) are seen throughout. Slice of Life is fun to do, and I might change the description of the story again to fit that. As we progress in the story, I will develop a overall plot in mix with these subplots, and it all starts here (and if you want to be even more specific, Chapter 5). Keep your eyes open, because you might just miss an important detail ;)_

_Alvis (Chapter 8): Heheh, glad someone caught it. And as for Adam, French is a Romance Language, so it could be true. And I do love Louis XIV's smoking legs (Google those bad boys)._

_Guest from Chapter 9: Wow! Thank you! That means a lot to me! As for the Undertale reference, well... I'll give you BONE-us points for catching it._

_Sorry if I didn't respond to your review. I either just didn't have anything to say or forgot. As always, your reviews mean the world to me, so thank you! You're the reason why I keep writing, so I'm glad your enjoying it so far. Thanks again, and see you soon!_


	13. Chapter 13: Crypt of Saint Bernard III

**A/N: Here it is, in 17000 wonderful words. You know I used to put a word limit on these stories, right? Now it just seems futile… At least I can finally access WiFi without the hike, no?**

**This chapter borders on the edge of K+ and T. Readers are warned.**

**If you're even slightly interested, check out D&amp;D. It's given me more laughs and stories than I've had in a while. The awesome guys at WotC (Wizards of the Coast) freely hand out the both the Player's Handbook, Monster Manual, and DMG PDFs for character sheets up to Level 5, so if you're interested you can download them on the main site. If you want to know even more about D&amp;D, PM me and I can tell you. Otherwise, enjoy the final part!**

* * *

Chapter 13: The Crypt of Saint Bernard Part III

* * *

_Time: 1400 Hours_

_Location: The settlement of Caprisun_

_Sword Mountains_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

"An' a one, an' a two, an' a one two three—"

_SMACK!_

"OW!" Robin woke up, rubbing his face in pain. His face was red and he could feel the beating sun on his burning skin. "What the heck?!"

"Thank the half-penny that you're alive." laughed Pac-Man, smacking his head as he fell back. He was covered in sweat and dust. "We're both alive!"

"Why do I have a grating headache…" groaned Robin as he rubbed his forehead, sitting upwards. "Wait… where are we?"

He took a moment to look around. They were on what looked to be a trail on the side of a hill, the brown and orange dirt dancing in the breeze. Planks of wood and plaster laid around him as broken fragments of their once quaint form. He crawled over to the edge of the cliff and peered down into the valley below. From where he was, he could see that the valley housed the remainder of the mines. Jagged stalagmites stuck out from the ground like a devil's prongs, daring even the bravest to try and risk it. Occasional mine carts, rusted with age, ran throughout the encampment. Nature was coming to reclaim its territory; shrubbery and plants were crawling every crevice and hole it could find. Further down, he could see the body of a monk splayed over the ground, a crimson color leaking onto their once white clothes. The tactician shivered when he realized that it could have easily been him if they had jumped just a couple of feet further.

"This must be the old miners trail." said Thoridan Frostbeard, sitting up to catch his breath. "You know, when they would descend into the shafts? Sir Bacon loaned me his Cloak of Feather Falling, so I was able to direct us towards it. Luckily for us, I never returned it."

Robin took this time to recollect his memories. For some reason, the first thing was Bart's blackmailing. Then it moved on to Mr. Game and Watch's betrayal, a sudden rush of sodium chloride that could explode kidneys hitting him straight in the feelers. He remembered the monks and Ashley and something about a natural one. He remembered jumping over the cliff, closing his eyes, and reopening them as Pac-Man barely managed to shove him towards the cliff side.

And then he remembered Wario.

"Come on!" said Robin, standing up. He flinched when he realized an all too familiar sensation: his ribs were broken. His determination didn't stop him from standing up and trying to rush back towards the town, using the cliff as support. "Mr. G is in danger!"

"Calm down there, buckaroo!" Pac-Man stood up as well and ran over to help his friend up. "Let me at least cast a healing spell on you! Just because I managed to push us out of the way in time didn't mean that we still didn't fall 60 additional feet!"

"There's no time!" barked the tactician. "We have to hurry!"

"Just give me one second…" Thoridan grabbed his three coined necklace and focused. A rush of life (and a hint of capitalistic greed) blanketed over the mage as he felt a sudden wave of relief envelope him.

_Cure Wounds Level 3_

_8+4+2+5=19 HP_

_Bonus Heal +5 to Thoridan Frostbeard_

_user:Robin 21/30 HP_

_user:Pac_Man 39/84_

"Now come on!" said Pac-Man, dashing on ahead. "We got to save Mr. Game and Watch!"

.o0O0o.

"Off with his head."

As Robin and Pac-Man dashed over the ridge, they had just enough time to watch as Targum Kepeshkmolik AKA Wario decapitated Sir Bacon with the Vorpal Sword. Ydraxxel AKA Mega Man stood in silence, watching as the head rolled to his feet.

"NO!" cried out Robin. The two villains turned their heads, watching as the heroes darted down the hill towards them. When he saw this, Mega Man dove for his locket in an attempt to regain his self-control, but Wario was as quick as a swiping fox.

Holding the locket up to the light, the Paladin yelled "Teleport us back to my palace! Stat!"

Ruefully, the tin man grabbed onto his new master just as the others made it down the trail. With a snap of his fingers, Ydraxxel said in a mournful tone "Sorry."

_Robin's Attack Roll: 3+6=9_

_Miss!_

Robin threw his dagger at the mage, but it was too late. The villains teleported away just as the dagger sailed past, hitting nothing but the wall behind them. As they slowed down their pace, Thoridan slid over to Mr. Game and Watch's body, quickly rolling for a Medicine check.

"He's definitely dead." frowned Pac-Man as he realized the redundancy of his efforts. "Head's clean off over there."

"No no no!" said Robin, stomping his foot angrily on the ground. "We're too late!"

"I can't even cast Revivify on him." complained Pac-Man, trying to rationally think of someway to save their friend. "Revivify doesn't restore severed appendages."

The rogue paced around panicking, each step nearly pivoting on the ground. "What about Resurrection?" He snapped, grabbing the Cleric by the edges of his armor. "You said something about magic and resurrection!"

"I don't have Reincarnation prepared today." replied Pac-Man. "And it costs 1000 gold pieces worth of oil and incense. We're not going to find those kind of things anywhere nearby, even if we had the money. Caprisun isn't known for their fine goods, just travel supplies."

"You're a Cleric, right? You must know somebody! Anybody!"

"I don't—"

For the first time in the game, ROB interrupted. "Yes you do."

"No I— are we even near there?"

"A three hour journey on foot, according to your memory of the local terrain."

Pac-Man flinched. "Isn't there anyone else nearby?"

"What?" Robin interjected. "What is he talking about?"

"Umm… I guess I do know somebody." Thoridan grabbed the head of the Half-Porc and, with some hesitation, put it in his satchel. "We only got ten days before it doesn't work anymore, but it might just take that long to convince them to do it. We need to get there before nightfall pronto. It's too risky to go back into town, so we need to leave ASAP."

"What?" repeated Robin, watching as Pac-Man grimly started walking towards the edge of the city. He saw the Dwarf's bare feet, reminding him of their lack of shoes and significant weaponry. "Where are we going?"

The hero of Pac-Land stopped. Darkly, he turned back towards his ally, a look of dread and fear on his face.

"We're going to see my ex-wife."

* * *

_Time: 2157 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City, World Capital_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

"What the heck, Wario?" exclaimed Robin, standing up to face the fat party crasher. "What the actual heck?!"

"Waahahaha!" The greedy Smasher howled. He went on his back, grabbed onto his stomach, and started rolling around. "You should've seen the gloom on your faces when I cut his head off! Priceless!"

"That's not cool! Seriously, not cool!" The tactician grabbed Wario by his purple overalls and tried to heave him up towards his face. Unfortunately, the obese Smasher was so overweight that Robin could only get him off the couch. "I thought you guys were friends!"

Mr. Game and Watch sat silently over in his seat, his head down and his body unmoving like a statue. Ever since his character had died he hadn't said a word. The 2D man was so quiet, in fact, that Mega Man poked him just to check if he was still alive.

"No, it's fine." said Mr. Game and Watch, a hint if disappointment in his voice. He stood up. "It happens. It's just a stupid game, right? I'll… I'll man the snack bar. Kirby had been wanting to play some games tonight anyways. I'll just relieve him. After all," he forced a laugh, "Who's idea was it to have Kirby man the snack bar? I hope he hasn't eaten all of the candy bars, heheh…" He started walking away, refusing to turn around even when they called out his name.

"Well then." ROB flickered off the VR set. His lack of emotions was especially jarring after Mr. Game and Watch made his leave. "We must split the party up. I cannot have two groups against each other openly talking about their opposing plans. Data concludes that it promotes bias when making decisions. Robin, as member of this facility, is there another room in which the anti-party may partake in roleplaying? It appears that the rest of the place is full."

"You can try the back room." suggested Robin, still angry. The folder was probably done printing by now, so it didn't really matter. Right now, he didn't even care. "Bart's back there, but he shouldn't be a bother."

"Affirmative. Wario and Mega Man, gather up your things and retreat to the back room." To Pac-Man and Robin, he said, "Await further instructions here. I shall roleplay with them first before returning to you."

As the others started leaving, Mega Man stopped in front of his friends. A look of regret and sadness glowed off of the robot's face. "Hey, look…" He began before getting cut off by Pac-Man.

"We get it: you're just playing your character. I'm sure if you would've known Wario was going to do that, you wouldn't have played Ydraxxel. No one's blaming you for what happened; it's just the circumstances."

Mega Man gave a smile of relief. "Thanks guys. That… that makes me feel better."

"No problem, mate." Pac-Man gave him a thumbs up. "Now go be the evilest suit of armor the world's ever seen, okay?"

"Okay. The robot from 20XX nodded before walking off, giving his friends a reassuring smile as he left. Robin and Pac-Man sat alone at the table, nothing to say and nothing to do.

"Now what?" asked Robin.

* * *

"An' a one, an' a two, an' a one two three—"

Bart Lemming AKA Captain Falcon slammed a monkey wrench against a walnut, busting his prey open and revealing its tasty inwards. Popping a nut shard in his mouth, he leaned back in the chair he was sitting in.

"What a relaxing afternoon." remarked Bart, patting the enigma machine. "Can't believe I've had a free day all day thanks to this stupid folder. Thanks Robin."

He nearly fell out of the chair when he heard a loud knock on the door. Knocking over Robin's cup of pens, he stood back up, wiping the walnut remains off of his navy blue shirt. "Er, one second!" He dashed over to the door and unlocked it, revealing the stoic ROB, the sheepish Mega Man, and an overexcited Wario.

"Umm…" He stared blankly at his guests, unsure of their intent. "Bathrooms are a little further back this hallway."

"Two of us are robots, loser." barked Wario, scratching his butt as he spoke. Squinting, he added, "Surprisingly muscular loser…"

"Robin told us that we could use the back room for D&amp;D." whispered Mega Man, almost so quiet that Bart couldn't hear him. "Do you mind?"

A flash of panic rushed over his face, a cold shiver slipping down his spine and touching every vertebrate. He leaned across the doorway, blocking the entrance. "One moment, please…" said Bart. He slammed the door shut and ran off like a whirlwind. The three vexed Smashers exchanged glances as they heard a variety of bangs and bumps on the other side of the doorway, even the sound of what might have been a vacuum. A couple seconds later the door opened. Bart leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed, his clothes now covered in dust and sweat. He took a few seconds to adjust his wild hair, grabbing a plastic comb in his back pocket and running it through his hair. "Please, come on in."

As they entered, Bart had apparently moved some of Robin's workspace into a tabletop for them to roleplay on. Most of the clutter that once had been there was moved over to a singular desk, organized and stacked neatly. The F-Zero racer had localized most of the tactician's work into a condense area. As the Smashers took their seats, Falcon picked up a container of Robin's cheese puffs and said, "Want some? They're on the house."

"Why is there a sock in there?" asked Mega Man, pointing to a cheese stained white sock inside the container.

"Ugh!" Bart reflexively dropped it, disgusted by his employee. That didn't stop Wario from acrobatically navigating his way underneath the table and snatching the container up. Like a snake, he wiggled his way back to his spot with a devious look in his eye.

"Facial recognition scan reveals a 100% chance we have met before." said ROB to the Smasher in disguise. "Yet my database cannot access your file, Mr. Lemming. Have we met before?"

"Umm…" Falcon nervously grabbed at his collar. "I get that a lot?"

The others just stared at him blankly. "I can see that." confirmed Mega Man after a moment. The others nodded in agreement. Bart gave a sigh of relief as they turned back towards the game and away from their suspicious host.

"Just holler if you need me." said the peculiar waiter, running back over to his work area and picking up some documents. Although he didn't act like it, Bart had one ear on their conversation, listening intently to what they had to say.

"Er hem!" ROB used a sound bite he had picked up years before to grab their attention. "Shall we continue?"

* * *

_Time: 1405 Hours_

_Location: Targum's Palace_

_Ruins of Thundertree, near the Neverwinter Forest_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

"I hope you have a way back to the Crypt," remarked Ydraxxel as they teleported inside Targum's surprisingly spacious study. Wario started walking towards his desk, a little swagger in his stride as he admired the Vorpal Blade in his hand. "That's both of my Level 7 Spell Slots. It'd be a waste to use my Level 8 or Level 9 to teleport us back."

"Shuddup, you." snapped Wario. Instantly, the metal armor construct locked into place, unable to speak. "Trust me, I got my methods to go back. Ashley?"

The witch flew into the room on her broomstick, a small bag in her hand. She threw it towards Wario, who caught it with ease. "I've made my lame cameo appearance now," the teenager said. "Can I hang up this call now? I got some homework to do before I attempt to take over the world again."

"One second, dear," smiled Wario sweetly, which in reality made it all the more ugly. "I need your help with the spell, remember?"

"Right, whatever." Ashley flew to the ground and stepped off her mount. "You're lucky you pay so much." She took a moment to stare at the giant suit of armor standing in front of her. "So, Ydraxxel, Destroyer of Worlds, huh? Nice to meet you."

When Ydraxxel didn't respond, the witch rolled her eyes. "You have the locket, remember?" She told Wario. "Did you tell him to shut up like you always do?"

"It's just a figure of speech!" He whined, pulling the locket out of his pocket and throwing it over his neck. "This locket ain't that powerful. If I told him to do a jig, would he do it?"

His answer came in the form of an traditional Genasi River Dance. "Oh, huh. I'm going to have so much fun with this thing."

"Quit jacking around and let's get this started." Ashley poured out the contents of the bag onto the floor. A mound of white dust fell onto the floor, about as big as Wario himself. "Wario, give him his body back."

"As you were, Mega Man." said Targum. The metal man grabbed the armor around what would be his neck, giving out a few heavy pants.

"I thought Sir Bacon was unbearable!" the mage growled, catching his breath. "But you, Vengeance Seeker, are on a whole 'nother level of stupid!"

"First off," The Paladin waddled over to his bookshelf and started throwing out books as he went. "I'm an Oathbreaker now. Got rid of that stupid Vengeance thing years ago. It never gave me enough power, you know? Two," He tossed a book towards his new ally. "Can you do necromancy?"

"I am a necromancer, yes…" Mega Man started leafing through the pages. "Is this the Morellinomicon? How do you have such possession of a book so valuable?"

"Amazing what a 'stake' dinner can do." Wario left out a waft, as if to emphasize his point. "As in, I killed a vampire for it. Turn to page 2016."

Mega Man obeyed. "Is this…" He looked up at his new master. "A ritual for a dracolich?"

"Oh yes." Targum smiled, his face as big as a half-moon. Even though he couldn't feel, the robot from 20XX had a bad feeling about this. "Yes indeed. We are going to resurrect the White Dragon Frostfang, get the Levartes Gem, and rule Sword Coast before Ashley even starts school. You with me?"

"Ooo baby." Ydraxxel rubbed his hands together. "Let's have some fun."

All the while, Mega Man and Bart exchanged worried glances.

* * *

"I don't understand." said Robin aloud. They were seated on the yellow and green couches in the front of the room, waiting their turn for ROB. The tactician's late nights started catching up to him as he slumped over in his seat. "How did he know about all of that?"

"Who and a what now?" replied Pac-Man, looking up from his new character sheet. Now that they had down time, the hero of Pac-Land wanted to get rid of his now Wario stained paper. He too was looking tired, but the mage could see a hint of sadness behind his eyes.

"Wario." He sighed. "It doesn't make sense. Why would he want to come over here and ruin our night for no seemingly good reason?"

"Dunno. Some people are just jerks." The yellow ball yawned, taking a sip of his coffee to keep himself awake. "Man, I'm not sure if I prefer this or your lemonade. Either way, I got a match tomorrow morning, so hopefully we wrap this up soon."

"Maybe…" He shot a glance at Dark Pit, who was still playing Uno with his friends. Somehow, Robin felt like the angel was involved. The Dark Angel had never liked him, and the feelings were reciprocated. Just something between the two was discomforting, and while it wasn't directly said it was surely implied when the two were together. Robyn wasn't anywhere in sight, so it made him even more suspicious than before.

"I have returned." said ROB, snapping the Ylissen back into reality. "Gentlemen, shall we proceed?"

"Hey, ROB?" interjected Robin, his eyes still on his rival "How close are Wario and Dark Pit? You're the security guard at the mansion; you must see all sorts of people together."

"I will not divulge that private information as the mansion security guard." deadpanned ROB. Pausing for a moment, he added, "However, as a Smasher, I can say I've seen them together frequently outside the field of battle. Does that answer sate your inquiry?"

"Yeah, yeah…" The mage turned back towards the party, shaking his head as he had just been plunged into water. "Sorry, just curious. Please, let's continue."

"Affirmative."

* * *

_Time: 1705 Hours_

_Location: Unnamed Swamp_

_Somewhere near the Sword Mountains_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

Bog was hands down one of the worst places to be in medieval times. Robin had read that in Earth One history mosquitoes were the worst enemy inside these murky and dark places. These disgusting disease carriers seemed to transcend dimensions, biting any poor soul for the taste of fresh crimson. The fact that this was a fantasy game made him even more uncomfortable, especially the thought that there might be something even more deadly out there.

The vines that brushed overhead were like frosted fingers, tickling the back of Robin's neck as he passed. The cold air that contrasted sharply with the warm summer heat sent shivers down his spine. In fact, the sun, which at one moment had been shining brightly overhead, was now completely gone thanks to the dark clouds above them. Although he had tried his hardest, the rogue's feet were covered in thick brown mud, making his toes feel as if they were frozen over. Robin shivered, extending his robes further over him and wishing he had kept his boots.

"It's magical terrain." Pac-Man explained, as if he had read the mage's mind. "Notice how it's cold when it should be humid? Not to mention that there's a random bog in the middle of the plains. She likes it cold and isolated." Under his breath, but just to where the tactician could hear it, he mumbled, "Just like her heart."

They pushed past some bramble to an open swampy area. A large pond was in front of them, covered in algae and lily pads. The occasional flower bloomed upwards, which was slightly pleasing to the eyes, but for the most part the dirt brown water that mixed with the oceanic blue was the real pleaser. Towards the center of the pond, a wooden hut sat peacefully on stilts, a warm candlelight glow flickering through cutouts in the wall. Pac-Man motioned for them to start making their way towards the house. Reluctantly, the two adventurers started wading through the bog, hot smells contrasting with the cold breeze around them.

"Make me a promise, will ya?" asked Pac-Man as the lukewarm water touched their thighs. "Don't tell Pepper about this. I don't know how to explain that I have a fake ex-wife, so it'd help if you don't say anything."

Before Robin could respond, he felt something brush past his leg. "What was that?" pressed the tactician, pulling out his dagger. "Did you see that?"

"What?" Pac-Man stopped right before they reached the ladder upwards towards the hut. "I didn't see—"

"A fake ex-wife, huh?" A voice boomed from the shack above them. Rogue and cleric were shocked when three alligators reared their heads out of the water, swimming around the heroes in a clockwise motion. They moved in closer, forcing the heroes back to back. "Thoridan, I'm the most realistic thing you've ever had!"

"You're about as real as your taste in music!" retorted the hero of Pac-Land. He pulled back his satchel when an alligator snapped its snout at it. "Call your beasts off, you bruja!"

"My baby's smell blood!" She cackled, the voice echoing off the trees. "I hope it's your cheating butts fowl tastin' filth!"

Robin shot him a look of confusion to which Pac-Man replied, "I mentioned Pepper one time!"

"What's your business, Thoridan?" The voice asked. The alligators were getting closer now. "You better have the rest of my divorce money!"

"I was getting it!"

"You said that three months ago! Let me hear you say it to my lawyer!"

"Oh, come on, you old bat! You know Sir Bacon donates most of our money to charity!"

"I'm the only charity you need, sugar!" A snap was heard, followed by a hungry look from the alligators. "Whatever. My baby's need some food! Have at 'em, sugar pies!"

"Wait wait wait!" interjected Robin. The beasts stopped moving, confused. "Ma'am, please, hear us out!"

"Don't call me ma'am!" barked the ex-wife. "My name's Mama Oda, and don't you forget it!"

"My apologies, Mama Oda," Robin nervously eyed her pets, which in return impatiently eyed him. "We were on our way to procure your money when we were sidetracked by Targum Reshwhatever— er, Wario."

"Targum?" Her voice got frustrated. "As in that nice Paladin who hung out with your handsome friend, Thoridan?"

"He's no ally of ours." Robin motioned his companion to hand him his satchel, which he obeyed. "In here lies the head of Sir Bacon, Knight of the Vorpal Order. Please, if you ever wish to procure your money, aid us in our quest!"

"You've adopted Mr. G's vernacular." Pac-Man pointed out. Robin rolled his eyes, but didn't deny it.

"Hmm…" Mama Oda grew quiet. "Nah. Eat 'em, Huey."

One of the alligators lunged at Robin, but the tactician was faster. He dodged out of the way, stabbing with his dagger. Simultaneously, Mama Oda and the beast let out a scream of pain.

"I ask again," pressed the tactician. "Aid us in our quest. We are you friends, not your foes."

There was a long silence, followed by an awkward cough from Pac-Man. Finally, her voice rang out again. "Fine. But I want double my pay when we're done with this."

The cleric from Mithral Hall gawped. "Double your—" Robin quickly elbowed him, giving him a look of derision. "Fine, whatever..."

"Let 'em go, Luey and Dewey." She commanded. Reluctantly, her pets obeyed, hungrily eyeing the heroes as they passed.

.o0O0o.

The hut smelled of rotting wood and warm cookies at the same time. From the outside, he could tell it was a two room hut, but on the inside it felt even smaller. When they entered the house, their feet muddily smacking on the floor, Robin could see the whole place without even having to turn his head. To his left sat a giant metal tub, half-filled with lukewarm swamp water. A veil of vines covered the entrance to what Robin assumed was her private living quarters. Towards the right side of the room, a giant caldron stood parallel to the ground, its brass legs standing proud and tall. Next to that was a table, and behind that was shelves upon shelves of strange ingredients. Robin didn't even want to look closer.

There was no other furniture inside the house minus what was previously mentioned. Furthermore, the ceiling was so small that Robin had to crane his head sideways to continue inside. Pac-Man's dwarvish structure easily allowed him inside the hut, and when both were safely inside the cleric sat crossed legged. Not wanting to offend, Robin followed suit.

"Eck!" Mama Oda growled from the other room. "Mud in my house? That won't do!" Another snap was heard, and to Robin's amazement, the wet and moist dirt and water that was coving the heroes flew into the air and landed straight inside the bathtub. The tactician wiggled his toes just to be sure that his feet were clean, and to his amazement they felt as warm and as dry as if he had boots on.

The vines parted ways, revealing a frail old lady. She was a Gnome, her teeth gone and her eyesight shot. Although aged, she walked around with youthful confidence, as if her sight was actually a detriment to her senses. In one hand she carried a yew cane, the head of a snake engraved into it. In the other, she tied her prestige white robes around her waist. Standing in front of them, she said in a raspy garbled tone, "What the heck do you want?"

"Reincarnation." Robin stated bluntly. "Or resurrection. Either one."

"Let me see the head." She licked her cracked lips, waddling over to Pac-Man's bag and opening it. Her hands shaking violently, she pulled out Sir Bacon's head. "There's many things you can do with a head." She remarked, admiring the Half-Porc knight's skull. Dryly, she added, "Thoridan wouldn't know that."

"Enough already!" He glowered. His face was red now. "Can you help us or not?"

"What's all the commotion, baby?" Another voice said. To the heroes surprise, another person entered through the vines. He was short and stout, Robin noticed with curious eyes. He was a combination of scaly and fish, long elegant whiskers flowing off his green face. Dressed in a fine top hat and trench coat, his yellow pupil-less beaming eyes pierced Robin's own. He talked in a slow Southern draw, giant crooked teeth, sharp as a razor, beamed from his mouth. "These men aren't causing you trouble, now are they?"

"Him?!" Pac-Man exclaimed, pointing to the giant catfish creature in front of him. "You can go out with anyone in the multiverse and you choose him?!"

"Now now!" Mama Oda tisked. "That ain't no way to treat my boyfriend!" To Robin, she smiled. "This is my little cuttlefish Tahm Kenc—"

"Jedidiah." He interrupted, casting a look around the room suspiciously. "Rito is always watchin'…" Louder, he coughed, "Jedidiah Boyardee. PhD in the Culinary Arts."

"Nice to meet you…" Robin's expression grew blank. "Chef Boyardee."

"I got the bathtub prepared for ya, sweet pea!" cackled Mama Oda. "New mud and everything!"

"Why thank you, honey pie." The tactician winced as Jedidiah waddled over to the bathtub and plunged right in, clothes and all. Unless he had missed a step, the water still stained with the heroes mud and dirt from earlier. "Just like a hug." The obese catfish sighed, sinking into the tub until only his enormous head and dapper top hat could be seen.

Pac-Man gritted his pearly white teeth. He was clearly not having a great time, bouts of jealousy and longing in his eyes. "What about Sir Bacon?" He growled through his teeth. "How's he?"

"Ah yes, the Knight." She opened the disembodied head's mouth and attempted to peer inside, her white blind eyes not even looking at it. "Yep, he's definitely dead."

"As in, mostly dead?" asked Robin as she investigated it further. "There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead, right? Mostly dead is slightly alive?"

"The heck you think this is?" She yelped, throwing the head on the table. "There's no such thing as mostly dead! You're either dead or alive! This ain't some _Princess Bride_ bullcrap!" Mumbling to herself, she continued her work.

They waited patiently for about five minutes. Robin's behind was starting to get sore from sitting on the hard wood floorboards. "Well?" He pressed when he had finally had enough. "Can you do it or not?"

"Eh." She shrugged. "Don't have enough Juju right now for Resurrection. Reincarnation it is." She grabbed some oils and jars off of her shelf. "There's two parts to this." She explained, rubbing her hands together. "First part is a new body. Don't know what he'll become, but from his hair—" She plucked out one of the knight's black locks— "the magic will grow an entirely new body. The second part is something I can't do without your help."

"What's that?" asked Robin.

"I need you to shut up!" Mama Oda shouted firmly. After a moment, she started laughing. "Got ya. Heheh! Nah, the second part is the soul. The soul needs to accept the body, you dinguses. Can't be doing no non-consensual Reincarnation now can we? I need you to convince the soul of Sir Bacon to return to his body, okay?"

Robin gulped when he realized what that entailed. He looked over at the snack bar, where the Flatlander was waiting idly for no one to buy snacks. "I'll do it."

"Good, good." She dipped her hands in one of the jars and said a few words in an unknown language. Pulling out her purple slime covered hands, she returned the stare from her uninvited guests. "What now? Turn around! Shoo! Shoo! I got work to do!"

* * *

_Time: 1830 Hours_

_Location: Targum's Palace_

_Ruins of Thundertree, near the Neverwinter Forest_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

"Are you done yet?" paced Wario, taking a disgusting handful of cheese balls and sticking them in his mouth all at once. Mega Man flinched at his companion's disgusting habit.

"Almost…" said Ashley, pouring the last ingredient onto the bone pile. "We only need one thing now."

They both stared at Ydraxxel, who was busy dipping his right arm into oil. "What?" He said, reattaching the arm. "My joints sometimes stick together and—"

"No, you dingus!" shouted Wario, spit once again flying all over the table. "We need you to cast Wish on the bone pile!"

Mega Man shifted uncomfortably. Wish was one of the most powerful spells in the game, but the problem was that there was a slight chance to lose it after casting it. Void of his free will, however, made any possibly of his disobedience mute. As if he was a marionette, he stood found himself standing near the pile of Frostfang's dust, holding his hands out and repeating the incantation in Draconic.

"So is there any chance this could fail?" whispered Wario to Ashley, watching as the glowing glyphs and mumbled incantations filled the room, swirling around Mega Man. His assistant knew more about the game than he did, so hopefully her insight would be helpful.

"Meh." She shrugged. "Could backfire."

"How so?"

"We could bring Frostfang fully back to life. You know how long it took Sergio to take him down."

"What are those odds?" The fat paladin scratched his butt.

"I'd say fifty-fifty."

"Huh. I'd bet on that."

A flash of white light beamed through the room, reflecting off of the white marble. Wario and Ashley covered their eyes in an attempt to stop the light. Soon, everywhere in the interior of the mansion was beaming with blinding pure energy; it could be seen from miles away.

Finally, after what felt like eternity, it stopped.

Wario peeked his eyes open, at first cautiously, but then excitingly. Ydraxxel was on the floor, winded, holding what looked to be a locket with a giant beating heart attached to it. In place of the dust pile stood a huge boney dragon, its humongous stature towering over everyone. It let out a ferocious howl that echoed into the night sky. Its eyes were black stones, its teeth and bones a gnarly white, and its aura was one that even Lucario would fear. As if to show its power, it breathed a giant necrotic wave into the sky, the black breath blotting out the setting sun's golden rays and darkening the field around them.

"Ooo BABY!" cried out Wario, grabbing onto his hat as he jumped in the air. "I like the look of this thing!" Clutching the locket around his chest, he ordered, "Ydraxxel, bring me my new control locket!"

As the metal man obeyed, Ashley surveyed the room. "Probably should've done this outside, huh?" She remarked, observing the crumbling ceiling and the broken furniture. "I don't think insurance covers resurrecting an evil Dracolich."

"Trust me: we're in good hands." replied Wario, throwing his latest necklace around his short flabby neck. Turning towards his full body mirror, he started admiring his body. "Look at this bad boy! All four of my smoking cheeks! My bling!"

"Your rapidly depleting lifespan and significant contribution to the world's net body fat." Ydraxxel mumbled. Louder, he _said,_ "Great: now you have two little playthings to control. Happy now, Wario?"

"Oh yes." He smiled, rubbing his hands together. "I'm very happy." Holding up the heart of the Dracolich, he yelled out to the undead monstrosity, "Frostfang! As your new Master, I command you to fly me to the Crypt of Saint Bernard! Allow me to break down the magical seal and obtain the first Levartes Gem! Onwards, I command you!"

Turning to the rest of the party, he cackled his signature meaty laugh. "My friends: who's ready to take over Sword Coast?"

* * *

_Time: 2220 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City, World Capital_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

"Hey."

Mr. Game and Watch looked up from his post, a rag in his hand. The Flatlander was wearing a ridiculous beanie on his head, covered in a pink and blue 3D shirt that just looked ridiculous on his 2D frame. When he realized that it was the tactician who was talking to him, he only looked down again. His totally dark face and lack of eyes or ears or lips made him impossible to read, but a wave of emotion was flowing off of him.

"Look, can we talk?" begged Robin. "Just for a moment."

"What's there to talk about?" Mr. Game and Watch deadpanned, his tone unusually even like a flat line. "I died. Wario betrayed us. That's the end of Sir Bacon's story."

"You heard Pac-Man," Robin darted into his view when he tried to look away. "We can resurrect you. We're doing it right now! Come on back, Mr. G!"

"Wow." said Dark Pit, walking up to the snack bar and pulling out his wallet. The Ylissen glowered at his arrival, still suspicious of his motives. "Never knew Robin was such a geek for D&amp;D."

"Go back to Robyn before I punch you in the face, Dark Pit." The other Robin growled. "She's the only reason I haven't clobbered you before."

"Robyn left earlier after talking with Bart." replied the black angel. "Said it couldn't wait." Exchanging a glance between Mr. Game and Watch and the tactician, he smiled. "See you got my present there, Robin. How's it feel to have your entire night ruined for no seemingly good reason?"

"It was you…" realized Robin. "I knew it was strange when you asked me to get you some Limburger cheese the other day. You're bribing Wario with it, aren't you, you son of a Koopa!"

"Good job detective!" clapped the clone of Pit slowly. "How many degrees did it take you to figure that one out?"

"How on earth are you still salty about that stupid date!" retorted Robin. He took a step closer, which the angel gladly matched. "I apologized already!"

"Revenge is best savored like a fine wine." cooed Dark Pit. "Although, I rather it not be about some stupid game…"

Robin was about to spit back when he saw Mr. Game and Watch flinch. He stopped mid thought, staring intensely at the Flatlander. After a minute, the impatient Dark Pit growled, "You going to say something or stand there looking like an idiot?"

"It's not a stupid game." breathed Robin, realization crashing over his mind and washing away his ignorance.

"Excuse me? This isn't about—"

"Yes it is." Robin turned back towards the Angel, a new fire blazing in his eyes. "Dungeons and Dragons isn't a stupid game. To you, it might be, but to me and Mr. G and Pac-Man and Mega Man and every freaking person who understands what they feel, it's not." He took another step forward, closing in on his rival, who matched with a retreating step. "Every day they got to deal with malarkey like you, coming into their lives, making fun of them, pointing out their flaws. Great, they're not the most popular of Smashers, nor the strongest, nor the most motivated for the battles. But you wanna know what? If it was all about the battles, Master Hand wouldn't keep them in the mansion. He keeps them in there because they're genuinely good people. They go out of their way to help others. Mega Man is constantly gone, protecting the people of 20XX from Dr. Wily, Pac-Man goes around town volunteering on his free time, ROB is in charge of freaking protecting us, and Mr. Game and Watch…" He looked over at his 2D companion, who for the first time that night looked up at him. "Mr. Game and Watch would fight a complete stranger just because someone insulted his friends. So what if they're a little late every now and then? So what if they don't train as hard or as diligently as us? I'd take being a great person over a strong man any day. And if you dare say that their only chance at normalcy is a 'stupid' game, that their only enjoyment after their practical isolation from the rest of society is something under you, then quite frankly you can shove it." When Dark Pit didn't move, Robin yelled, "You heard me, _SHOVE IT_!"

The room got quiet for a moment, all eyes on the two Smashers. Both blushed, shooting each other looks as they walked away from one another. Dispersing seemed to please the crowd as they resumed their activities. Robin sheepishly put his hand in his robe pocket as he made his way back to the corner, fuming in a silent rage.

"Hey." A voice called out behind him. Mr. Game and Watch caught up to him, his ridiculous clothing absent from his presence. "That… that means a lot to me. Thank you."

"It's no problem." He said honestly. "We both know you'd do the same."

He started to walk away again, but this time the Flatlander firmly put his hand on his shoulder. "No, I mean… I don't know what I did to upset you. Ever since that incident you've been acting distant. Even I know that. And… I don't know if you know my complex, but—"

"Pac-Man told me." replied Robin solemnly. His anger from Dark Pit was kind of flowing into his discussion with Mr. G, but he took a deep breath to remain calm. After all, he didn't want to blame him for something he didn't do.

So he told him everything. He told him about the incident and how he felt about it. He told him how he thought about his complex and it didn't make sense that Mr. Game and Watch would throw him under the bus even if he saw things in such extremity. He told him how he felt, and how Mr. G constantly blame shifted. Even though Pac-Man said he didn't understand when people told him things, he prayed that somehow his anger and frustration would translate into his mind. Maybe this time it would be different.

Mr. Game and Watch stared at him blankly for a few moments. Robin didn't rush him; it was a lot to take in. Finally, he spoke.

"I just always held you to a higher standard."

"Come again?" Robin took a step back, confused. What did that mean?

"When I first came to this world, I could only see things in black and white. Which I guess is cool and all, but I can only see things that are black and white for me. I'd just grab things from other people, you know, because it was good for me. I didn't understand that there was always someone else on the receiving end. I didn't get that until we started playing D&amp;D, but…" He swallowed and paused. Hesitantly, he added, "I really didn't understand it until Tabuu tortured me and took my Shadow Bugs. He got everything from it and I… well, I only got pain."

Robin blinked in surprise. Mr. Game and Watch didn't like talking about the Subspace Emissary at all. In fact, he detested it. The fact that he was confiding in him was a huge suspension bridge of trust, and Robin knew that he had to make sure the other end was stable.

"I made myself a promise afterwards." The Flatlander continued solemnly. "That no one should go through that kind of pain, especially not if I caused it. That's when I really got into D&amp;D. It was a median for me to understand 3D emotion. Remember that first day that we worked here? When you crawled under the table because you weren't supposed to cook? I saw my promise in you, the regret of disappointment, the horror at what your decisions caused. That's when I knew that you were a great person.

"So yeah, when we were on the floor, crouched behind the countertop, I thought you'd stand up in an instant. They told me that's what a great person does: sacrifices themselves for the sake of others. So when you didn't move I thought you might've blanked out, maybe didn't hear them. So I was confused too, but I didn't that maybe I should've stood up."

Robin nearly choked on his words, staring in amazement at his friend. "But if you knew that it was the right thing to do, why didn't you stand up?"

Mr. Game and Watch shrugged. "Because I'm not a great person. I'm just a man."

Those words hit him like a brick, smashing his ribcage and penetrating into his heart. Now that the thought about it, if Mr. Game and Watch was to put him on his pure black and white scale, that means he would be on the most absolute right side. Now that he thought about it, that was a pretty big honor. "But I didn't stand up either." The tactician whispered under his breath. "So what does that make me?"

"Anyways," The Flatlander looked away. "I'll try to remember that. Thanks for telling me. Umm…" He started to walk back towards the snack bar, but a cry escaped Robin's mouth before he even knew it had.

"Wait…" The 2D waiter turned back to face the tactician, whose arms were open and face humbled. "You are a great person, Mr. G."

Mr. Game and Watch jumped in surprise. "Oh. Umm… wow. Thanks, kiddo." His words seemed to hit the Flatlander just as hard as the 2D hero's words had hit him, and he had to take a step back just to prevent himself from falling over like a fool. "That means a lot." He started to head back again, but stopped before he even had taken two steps.

"Also…" added Robin jokingly. "I left Pac-Man to deal with his fake ex-wife, and he's going to kill me if you don't come back." With a smile, he added, "Sir Bacon."

Mr. Game and Watch turned around stared at him for a couple of seconds before a smile began spreading across his face. This time, the return was just as mirthful as he was. "Shall we then, Squire Robin of Ylisse?" He whipped around and pointed towards the table. His old confidence seemed to have seeped back into him. "What ho!"

* * *

_Time: 1830 Hours_

_Location: Mama Oda's Swamp_

_Somewhere near the Sword Mountains_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

"For the love of all that is worth an amount described by an determination based of supply and demand," groaned Pac-Man in his frustration. "Why is Sir Bacon a Stout Halfling?!"

The reincarnated body of Sir Bacon had finally finished growing when Robin reentered the swampy hut. Much to his surprise, the oiled covered body resting on the table was instead a small fat hobbit, not a proud Half-Porc.

"I said Reincarnation, not Resurrection!" quipped Mama Oda. She was busy bathing Jedidiah, rubbing what looked to be more mud on his back. "The heck would you come back in your own body when you reincarnated?" She grabbed her snake cane and started pushing it into the cleric's face with each following word she spoke. "You. Come. Back. As. Someone. New!"

"Robin, thank the invisible hand of the market that you're back!" breathed Pac-Man when the tactician walked over to observe the body. "Tell her that this is a bunch of malarkey."

"He ain't gonna tell me anything!" barked the Swamp Druid. Sweetly, she turned towards the rogue. "Robin, you gots his soul back?"

"I do." He nodded, looking over at the Flatlander besides him.

"Good, good. Then I can finish the ritual." She quickly cleaned her hands and walked over to the body. Closing her eyes in concentration, she started muttering something, almost too quiet to hear. Jedidiah, Robin, and Thoridan leaned in, in hopes of catching a glimpse of what her magic had to offer. Finally, she stopped and opened her eyes, staring unamused at the body in front of her.

_SMACK!_

"AH!" Sir Bacon sat up immediately, rubbing his freshly slapped cheek. Mama Oda cracked her knuckles in satisfaction, turning back towards her boyfriend. "My lady, what was that for?!"

"I _told_ you to get your lazy butt off my table!" She snapped back. "Titania's garden, it must take a miracle to get your fat butt outta bed every day." Muttering to herself, she walked back over to the tub and continued her task.

"Sir Bacon!" Pac-Man and Robin exclaimed cheerfully, hugging their newly reborn companion. They immediately shrugged back, remembering all of the disgusting oils and incense that now covered his bare body.

"I'm alive… I'm ALIVE!" He chortled graciously, patting his new body. He paused for a moment, looking down at his now pale flesh. "Naked-er and less of a Half-Porc, but still alive… Why am I a Halfling?"

"There's time for explanations later, Sir Bacon." Robin helped the knight to his feet. "Wario has the key to the Crypt, and he's probably long gotten the Gem now."

"Impossible." Sir Bacon shook his head. He stumbled around when he touched the floor, getting used to his new sensations. "The Mayor told us it's protected by an ancient seal. Only the righteous may pass through, and I doubt that Wario has enough power to vanquish that sort of magic, even with Sir Ydraxxel." He laughed, his usual voice now changed to a more mild tone. "Why, it'd take a Dracolich to break that kind of magic, and even if he could make one we'd see it from miles around!"

"Umm." Mama Oda looked out the window. "Like that?"

The three heroes ran out to the window just in time to see the giant beaming light emanating from Wario's home, a column of energy rippling through Sword Coast. The three stood their ground as a huge aftershock wave hit the small house, making it rock the unstable hut like a hammock. Everyone remained still, as if one movement would crash the house to the ground. When the wave subsided and the hut became stable once again, each let out a huge breath.

"Well then." gulped Sir Bacon. "That's bad." Turning towards his friends, he said grimly, "It appears that Targum is using the dark arts to aid his efforts. I have not partaken in a battle against or with him in a long while. He has secured my Vorpal Blade, and without a weapon I have no means of fighting. That should be our priority as of now."

"I'm sorry," interjected Robin; he was covering his eyes. "My priority is getting you some pants. Mama Oda, can I add clothing to the list that I owe you?"

"Sure, sure, whatever." She gave a hard slap on Jedidiah's back, causing the giant catfish to regurgitate a singular boot. The chef blushed, holding his hands up innocently and acting as if he had no idea where that came from. "How about that?"

"Pants, my dear. And maybe some clothing for all of us." Pac-Man looked at his bare feet.

"Geez, getting specific now are we?" She opened her boyfriend's mouth and reached her tiny hands inside, digging around. The catfish was both amazed and horrified, his eyes wide and his mouth practically unhinged. "Let's see… bones… flesh… pocket watch…"

And so it was that she dug through Jedidiah's mouth, procuring three pairs of appropriately sized boots for all of them, about properly sized clothes and half-plate armor for Sir Bacon, a rusted sword, what looked to be a Bard's flute, and, most impressively, a rack of spices. All the while, their generous sponsor winced and flinched as she dug around his stomach as if it was a cabinet, managing to garble out, "I schwear, I haff naow ideeyah haoow that goot thear."

After she was done, she plopped down to the floor. With a flick of her hand, the slime and goo came flying off the armor and into the bathtub, which the fish gladly accepted. "I be supposin' you want a portal there too, huh?" She frowned, hand on her hip.

"Yes please."

"Bunch of pansies…" She snapped her fingers, a spark of magic flying from the minute noise to the doorway. A huge purple swirling vortex replaced the outside world. "Be lucky you gots a magical patron like me to bail you out of stuff like this." She told them when they were fully clothed. "I ain't doing it again once you pay me!"

"We'll pay you." Mr. Game and Watch promised. Grabbing the rusted sword, he looked towards the portal. "This more than we asked for, m'lady. I would tip my hat to you if I had one, but as I lack of it I shall give you a parting gift."

"What would that—" The knight gave her a kiss on the cheek, making her blush. "Ooo baby, you sugar pie! Smother me in cream and call me a pancake!"

"May we meet again, Lady Mama Oda!" Sir Bacon saluted, jumping through the portal. Pac-Man and the witch exchanged an awkward glance, however, and, without a word, the former jumped through the portal after his companion.

Just as the tactician was preparing to leave, he felt a hand on his shoulder. "WAIT! Robin!" She coughed. Turning around, he was surprised to see that her eyes were now a beaming red, her face pale and in horror. "I… I see the future…"

"That's cool?" Robin guessed, trying to politely shrug away from her grip. Strangely, she held firm, her wrinkles beginning to contort and twist.

"_bEwArE RoBiN_." Her voice was now a cryptic command, distorted sounds whispering in her echo. "_BeWaRe_."

"Beware?" He said, more terrified of the image in front of her than her words. "Beware of what?"

"_bEwArE… EvErYtHiNg YoU tHoUgHt iS SaFe Is OnLy An IlLuSiOn. LiEs ArE tOlD eVeN nOw tO YoU, CorRuPtInG YoU… **RoOt BeEr**, RoBiN… bE AfRaId oF** rOoT bEeR**_!"

"Root beer…" repeated Robin. "What the heck does that mean?"

"Dunno," said Mama Oda, her eyes becoming white again and her face returning to its natural state. "The spirits are a bunch of jerks. Don't have much better to do than to leave stupid cryptic messages. Anyways, your time's up, bye!" She pushed with Herculean strength, causing the tactician to fall through the portal and into the unknown.

* * *

_Time: 2230 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City, World Capital_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

"Is our battle plan set?" asked Wario. Mega Man nodded, while Ashley gave a "uh huh" through Wario's phone.

"I still have homework to do," she reminded him, her voice static. "And these planetary long distance calls are really racking up my phone bill. You better pay for this."

"Sure whatever." snickered Wario, holding up his crossed-fingers to Mega Man. After spending the night with the greedy fat man, Dr. Light's prized invention was slowly beginning to understand why people didn't like him.

The doors opened again as ROB entered the room. "We are ready for you, gentlemen plus lady." The robot deadpanned. "Shall we?"

.o0O0o.

The stakes were high when the group rejoined the other half. Mega Man shot a sad and frustrated look at the others when he took his seat, haphazardly staring off into space. Wario placed the phone that would be Ashley on the table close to them while Mr. Game and Watch shifted over to the couch that his companions were on. Each one was staring down across the table from each other. Thick tension crackled across the room. It was as if the room had suddenly gotten quiet for them.

In fact, the room actually was quiet. Turning around, the group surveyed the room to discover a lack of people anywhere.

"Game Night closes at 2230 Hours." reminded ROB. "Shall we continue elsewhere?"

"Bart won't mind." said Mega Man, jumping in his seat. He seemed distracted. "Er, right Mr. G?"

"Not at all." nodded the 2D waiter. "ROB, let's end this."

"Reactivating VR headset."

* * *

_Time: 1845 Hours_

_Location: The Graveyard_

_Caprisun, Sword Mountains_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

The graveyard was a place of grim and darkness, much like any other graveyard. The one in Caprisun, however, was the only flat clearing for miles, forged out when Dwarvish miners dug out Mount Koolaid and sowed the ground with the greenest grass they could find. The tombstones themselves felt living and jagged, sticking out of the ground like blades of grass. They were only there to remind visitors of their own mortality, that at any moment they could fade away into obscurity and nothingness just like the cracked and faded graves that lingered here for ages. The mountain pass magnified the already frigid air that whisked through the area, making the chilled touch of the air even cooler.

In the center of this land of the dead sat a golden gate that surrounding a mausoleum. This one in particular was cracked and old and gray, but far beyond the others. If one were to pass by it on a short glance, they would think it could barely withstand itself. Of course, the wiser know that this was no ordinary crypt.

This was the Crypt of Saint Bernard.

A purple portal opened behind a large tombstone; three weary adventurers plopped out, exhausted and confused. Sir Bacon of Levartes-Tor, Thoridan Frostbeard of Mithral Hall, and Robin of Ylisse stood up immediately, crowding behind the grave and peeking outwards. Targum Kepeshkmolik the Oathbreaker, Ydraxxel, Destroyer of Worlds, and Ashley the Witch stood in front of the Crypt, Frostfang the Dracolich standing right behind them. The huge looming aura of the undead monstrosity startled Robin for a moment, but his drive to stop the bullies far outweighed his fear.

"Hmm…" Ashley poked the golden gate. As soon as she did, a magical barrier became visible and shocked her back. "Ow!" Turning towards her boss, the witch replied casually, "Yep, that's Nisovin's work all right. There's no other way to get around it."

"Curse that gnome…" Wario muttered. "One day I'll give him a piece of my mind…" Facing his new pet, he yelled out, "Frostfang, you know what to do!"

Ydraxxel and Ashley immediately dashed to the side as the Dracolich took a deep breath. Wario watched with his beady greedy eyes as above him Frostfang let out a ferocious wave of necrotic energy upon the shield. It stood firm for a moment, but as it became enveloped by the touch of Death itself it soon became faulty. In a couple of seconds, the gates fell.

"_Qapla_!" exclaimed Wario, jumping up and down excitingly. "Finally! It's time!"

"Curses!" swore Sir Bacon as he watched from the shadows, clutching the handle of his wasted sword in anger. "Alas, we are too late! The vile Oathbreaker has already proceeded before us, and it is only a matter of sun ticks before he procures the Levartes Gem!" To his allies, he whispered, "What kind of firepower have we procured?"

"We have a dagger and a rusted sword." reminded Robin. "That's actually it. We don't even have a weapon for Thoridan."

"I got magic." reassured the Life Cleric. "I don't like using it, but now's not the time to complain. I have plenty of weaponry."

"Okay then. We're underpowered, out manned, and there's a giant undead dragon on their side." Sir Bacon smirked with a newfound confidence. "Here's the plan…"

.o0O0o.

"Excuse me, ladies and germs!" Mr. Game and Watch came running out into the open field, his hands and arms extended comically. "Perchance one might bestow me with the knowledge behind rations served in sky automation?"

Ashley stared at the Stout Halfling with a natural mixture of teenage sass and irate confusion. "What?" She snarled.

Wario rolled his eyes. "Essentially, he's saying the medieval equivalent of 'What's the deal with airline food?'"

" Sorry about that!" Sir Bacon continued, grabbing his sword like a microphone. "I just hate graveyards. They're all creepy and unsettling. And let's face it, they only want me for my body."

Ydraxxel let out a soft laugh, slightly smiling internally. Even the Dracolich seemed amused by this, slapping its boney tail against the ground. Only Ashley seemed irritated, coldly staring at the Knight of the Vorpal Order.

"What the heck is happening?!" She demanded. "What are you even doing?"

"Hey, here's a good one," pressed Mr. Game and Watch, clearly ignoring her. "A dwarf walks out of a pub! Get it?"

At this point, everyone but Ashley was chuckling. "Stop it!" She complained. "I'll kill you, whoever you are!"

"Well then," Sir Bacon started tap dancing on the coarse grass. "one more! Where doest one find the Waterdhavian Navy in space?"

"Oar-bit!" Wario howled, slapping his stomach in hilarity. "I like this guy. What's your name, Halfling?"

"Ed." replied Mr. Game and Watch casually. Then, leaning in, he added, "Ed Venture!"

"That's it!" screamed Ashley in a tone that broke the mood. "I'm done! I can't take two of these idiots! Where's my wand?!"

_Stealth DC: 15_

_Robin's Roll: 7+7=14_

_Fail!_

Wario whipped around just in time to see Robin awkwardly sneaking away with the Vorpal Sword, his other hands full of what he had stolen from the others. "My sword!" Wario cried out. He patted himself down as well. "And my Holy Symbol!"

Ashley quickly checked her pockets. "My wand!" She realized as well.

"My gauntlet!" Ydraxxel looked down to find that his right gauntlet was missing. He started frantically waving his right arm, disproportional to the rest of his body without his hand. "How did he steal my entire hand without me noticing?!"

"Heheh…" Robin winced. "Burglar, remember?"

"Try casting advanced magic without an Arcane Focus now!" Sir Bacon taunted. "Might as well be nothing more than commoners now."

The connections aligned in Targum's head as he concluded the truth. "Sir BACON?!" He exclaimed. "But how did you—"

"Evil never wins as long as I'm alive." Mr. Game and Watch spat. "For it 'tis I, SIR BACON! KNIGHT OF UNFORTUNATELY DYING BUT SUDDENLY MAKING THE MOST DRAMATIC OF LAST MINUTE RECOVERIES! You thought you bested my soul in your vile cheatery, but merely was my body! Now face the wrath of I, your revenant!" He brandished his corroded sword and faced it at his former friend transfigured into foe. "Face me, fiend!"

Mega Man was about to cast a Ray of Frost on his former ally, but all of a sudden a Thunderbolt hit him in the chest, sending the wizard flying backwards. Thoridan leaped from behind a tombstone, his fingers smoking from the spell. Turning towards Robin, he yelled "Run, Forrest, run!"

_Combat has started_

Although he tried to get away as best he could, Wario's aim was impeccable. Like a whirlwind, he whipped out his bow and shot it directly at the Thief, hitting him in the leg. Robin doubled over, dropping everything in his hands. As the tactician winced in pain, the Paladin picked up Mr. Game and Watch's sword and twirled it between his fingers.

"Never steal from a thief." The Dragonborn gloated before swinging his blade at the prone mage. Unfortunately for the Oathbreaker, he didn't see Mr. Game and Watch charging towards him at a breathtaking speed, knocking him to the ground before the sharpened weapon could pierce the defenseless tactician's skin. Crying out in surprise, they doubled over a small ledge, isolating them from the rest of the fight. They hit the ground with a thud, landing a few feet from the other person. Although both were winded, both knew they couldn't show any signs of weakness.

"Too much of a coward to fight someone worthy?" Sir Bacon taunted as he stood up. "Attacking a Level Three Character?"

"Too smart." Was the snide reply. Wario wiped his cut lip, the first blood of the battle spilt. He chuckled softly to himself, standing up as well. "But I can make exceptions for old friends." Locking eyes, they both let out a cry before clashing blades.

Robin took this moment of bliss to reluctantly pull the arrow from his thigh. With a cry of pain, he threw it aside, ripped off a piece of his robe, and began bandaging his wound. Remembering his mission, he reached for the arcane focuses, which had sprawled all over the ground, and crawled his way over to the entrance of the Crypt. Hidden by the shadows, he took a moment to seep the stabbing pain and recollect his thoughts.

Looking around, it seemed that Pac-Man had engaged on Ashley, firing cantrip after cantrip at the witch. Almost defenseless, the teenager resorted to returning her own basic spells. Even though both were missing their weapons, their spellcasting abilities far made up for the lack of physical contact. Thoridan landed a Sacred Flame right in her shoulder, burning her crimson robes and knocking her aside. With a cry, she fell to the ground, holding her wound in pain. Robin swore he could hear tears forming.

"Sorry!" Thoridan dropped his hands and flinched. "I didn't mean—"

In an instant, the witch twirled around and hit him with a Fire Bolt, knocking him back into a gravestone. Thoridan landed on his butt in surprise, taking a moment to realize what had just happened.

"Ha!" She laughed manically. "Easy as pie. You emotional good doers, always succumbing to your feelings. Man up, you dolt!"

Thoridan clenched his fist, at first slowly, but in a flash it closed. "I summon thee, Invisible Hand of the Market!" He yelled out, storm clouds swirling around in a counterclockwise manner above him. "In the name of Adam Smith and the glorious free enterprise system: smite this nonbeliever!"

"The Invisible Hand of the Market…?" She mumbled, raising an eyebrow. "What does that—"

From seemingly nowhere, a giant fist came slamming into her. She flew into the golden gates and hit the ground, gawping at the massive hand in front of her. The hand unclenched itself and turned back towards its summoner, waving "hello" at its loyal subject.

"I nicknamed him Master Hand!" Pac-Man bellowed out to Robin while giving him a smile and his signature thumbs up. All of a sudden, his face grew grave as Robin felt a cold metal gauntlet grabbed the back of his neck and lifted him upwards with such brute force. In the haste of the battle, the rogue had forgotten their worst enemy.

"I outta end you right here." said Ydraxxel, turning the tactician to face him. Robin felt the gauntlet clench tighter around his neck, causing him to squirm. He grabbed for his neck, dropping his possessions in the process. "You idiots have cost me more trouble than it's worth!"

"Mega Man…" Robin pleaded. "Stop…"

"I'm evil!" The robot deadpanned, somewhat sadly. When Pac-Man tried to help his ally, the Destroyer of Worlds flung a Ray of Frost at the Cleric, freezing his legs to the ground. "It's what I'd do. Wario's on the same side as me. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because—" Robin withered. "Because you choose your own destiny. Ydraxxel isn't a slave: he's his own master! That locket doesn't define who you are. You do!"

Ydraxxel paused for a moment to reflect on his words. "Unfortunately," the metal man said, "I am only free when I get that locket back." With his unnatural strength, he flung the Rogue over the side of the cliff and sent him flying into the sky. As a dot in the distance, the Cleric from Mithral Hall could only watch in disbelief as the tactician came flying downwards into the hard Rock.

"Robin!" Thoridan cried out. Ydraxxel only grabbed his dismembered arcane hand and locked it back into place. Rolling his shoulders, the evil wizard laughed as he regained all of his power. Turning towards the now Visible Invisible Hand of the Market, he flicked his wrist and desummoned it, allowing a weak but furious Ashley to go free.

"Took your sweet time." She grumbled, getting up weakly. Turning towards their Dwarvish foe, she glowered, "This one's mine."

"Suit yourself then." He shrugged, picking up the witch's wand and tossing it towards her. She grabbed it out of the air. "I'm going to see if Targum needs help."

"Whatever." Ashley mumbled. When her companion left, she began limping to the frozen capitalist. As much as he could, the Life Cleric tried to struggle free from his frozen bondage, but to little avail. "You realize I still have Pre-Calculus homework on top of Physics? You've wasted so much time for me tonight!"

Pac-Man tried aiming a Sacred Flame at his own feet, but somehow he still missed. "This die is cursed or something!" Thoridan complained silently. "Three 4s in a row?!"

"I'm going to make this slow and painful for you, you son of a Koopa." She lifted her wand up in the air and began twirling it around. The native of Mithral Hall could only panic as a fiery orb began forming above her head, building size and mass with each passing second. With a hearty scream, she cries out, "FIREBAL—"

She disappeared midsentence, every trace of the spell vanishing along with her. _"Huh." The Hero of Pac-Land shrugged, leaning over the coffee table towards Wario's phone. "It's out of power._"

Meanwhile, the Evil Paladin and the Reincarnated Knight were still lock in battle. Both were equally trained in swordsmanship, so in the end it seemed that it was pure determination that would win out. Every blade swing was met with an equal force of power. Wario, due to his larger Dragonborn body, was trying to use brute strength to wear down his adversary, but it seemed that Mr. Game and Watch had adapted to his new body. Sir Bacon used his small size to his advantage, using momentum to level the playing field and using his small size to dodge his more powerful swings. The knight's unmatched knowledge of weaponry was clearly working to his advantage, landing decisive blow after blow on the Oathbreaker.

"Targum!" Mega Man called out from the cliff above them. "I am free to do as you command!"

"I got this!" snapped Wario, getting hit so hard that he farted (although, mind the fact he probably would've anyways).

"I'm literally a Necromancer in a graveyard." retorted Ydraxxel, who was slowly losing patience for his master. "I could raise and army and destroy them all. Right now."

"I said I got this!" spat Wario as Sir Bacon landed another blow. "Darn it! How are you beating me? I have your sword! I out level you! You're using a piece of crap!"

"You're forgetting that Tymora is on my side." smiled the former Half-Porc, wiping the blood from his lip. He took a moment to pull out a coin and flipped it. "She doesn't like it when her paladins betray her." He swung again, this time connecting perfectly in the cracks of his armor. Targum fell to his knees, crying out in pain. Easily, Sir Bacon caught the coin and showed it to the dishonored warrior. It was face-up, the symbol of the goddess of good fortune.

"Grr…" Wario looked nervously up at his Necromancer. "Stop staring at me!" He snapped angrily. "You're throwing me off!"

"I could end this. Like, right now!" Ydraxxel repeated. "They have a Goddess on their side. Just let me do it!"

"Fine!" Wario took a deep breath and rolled out of the way, barely avoiding Sir Bacon's finishing swipe. He rolled back onto his feet, brushing his cloak aside. "Do it!"

Before Mega Man could do anything, another Lightning Bolt struck him in the back. Thoridan had finally freed himself from his frozen prison and started immediately back into the fray. He could do nothing as the Dwarf continued his relentless assault on him, casting everything that he could. Finally, he stopped, panting like a dog.

"Ah come on!" whined the Hero of Pac-Land. "Nothing? That's literally everything I have! You haven't even budged!"

"I'm resistant to magic." Ydraxxel told him. "Your spells are nothing to me."

Thoridan exchanged frustrated glances with Sir Bacon. "Can you at least pretend I did something to you?" joked Pac-Man.

"How about I do something to you?" replied Mega Man coldly. He raised one arm in the air, lifting the Cleric to the sky. Throwing him with a perfect toss, Pac-Man slammed into Mr. Game and Watch, knocking then both to the ground. With his other hand, he raised an icicle prison around them, trapping them in an ice entrapment.

"Wow, that was a lot easier than I expected." Targum grabbed his wounds and started using Lay on Hands, restoring himself back to maximum hit points. "I didn't even have to use my Dracolich!"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about!" screamed Ydraxxel. "You have no disregard to your own plans! We could've ended this fight before it even started! Why aren't you listening to me? We risked everything because you—"

"Stop it, will ya?" The metal man locked into place. "I'm the evil villain here!" shouted Wario. "I'm the one who makes the calls! You're nothing compared to me. I'm the boss, sorry for your loss! If I want to Ian Fleming my ineptitude, then I can do it!"

"Ydraxxel is accurate, you know." Sir Bacon said unbiasedly. Wario turned towards his celled foe. "The Dracolich would've easily killed us all by now."

"I know!" Targum clenched his teeth. "I just wanted to prove I was better than you."

"But you didn't; Ydraxxel did."

"Shuddup!" Wario crossed his arms angrily. "Without my leadership, however, none of them would've gotten together to achieve this greatness!"

The other three compatriots exchanged unconvinced glances. "Dark Pit was the one who told you about the Game Night, no?" Mr. Game and Watch pointed out.

"That's it! Shuddup, all of you!" Wario grabbed the Dracolich's locket and called it forward. The undead monstrosity yawned as it finally did something useful, craning its neck over the icicle prison. "I'm going to kill you all with the Dracolich now. Happy?"

"Could've done that sooner." Mega Man pointed out casually. "Save us a whole bunch of trouble."

Now Wario was furious. He waddled over the wet grass towards Dr. Light's proudest creation and stared maliciously at the wizard. "You!" He started out, suppressing a few profanities. "You have been nothing but a reluctant pain so far! I'm the boss here, not you!" Grabbing Ydraxxel's locket, he said, "Say it! I'm the boss!"

Mega Man locked into place. Try as he might to struggle, the locket was in complete control of his actions. "You're… the… boss…" The Destroyer of Worlds grinded through clenched teeth. When he had finished, he fell to the ground, shaking uncontrollably.

"Of course I am!" laughed Wario. "I am the boss. And you do exactly what I say. Say it!"

"I… do… exactly what you say." Mega Man let out the last part in one gasp.

"Darn right!" He looked towards Sir Bacon and Thoridan with a look of complete satisfaction. He was no longer just a crazy maniac: he was a crazy maniac with immense power. "I am the ruler of Sword Coast now! I will control the Levartes Gems and destroy everybody who opposes me. Your deaths will be the first in many to those who dare defy my will. Now, bow before your King!"

Knowing full well that they wouldn't, Wario grabbed Ydraxxel's locket and forced them all to bow down towards the vile Oathbreaker. "Wha ha ha ha! WHA HA HA HA!"

Out of the corner of his eyes, Sir Bacon saw him. At first, he thought it might have been just an illusion, but when he gave the Halfling a thumbs up hope began flourishing again. Robin was slowly shuffling over behind a tombstone, leaving a small trail of blood behind him from his wound. In his hands, he held his dagger limply, a look of grim determination on his face. The Knight of the Vorpal Order nudged Thoridan, both looking at the Rogue with excitement.

"How'd he survive that fall?" Pac-Man whispered silently to Mr. Game and Watch. "That fall would've killed anybody!"

"Perchance you can tell me where my Cloak of Feather Falling is located?" replied Sir Bacon. Thoridan patted himself, only to realize that the Rogue was wrapped around in it.

"He stole it right off me! That clever sneak!" Pac-Man sounded a little bit more excited than angry. "What's he going to do? There's no way he can take them both on and win."

"Our only hope is that he throws the dagger at Wario while he's distracted with our wizard friend and pray he archives a Critical Success." Sir Bacon realized. "Oh the Gods…"

Robin gripped the dagger with his dominant hand, fingering the handle. Mr. Game and Watch had saved him from it, so it'd be ironic when he would return the debt. "This is it." He mumbled, closing his eyes and taking in the cool mountainous air. "All or nothing. I got to land this or we lose." He chuckled to himself slightly, peeking over just to make sure no one heard him. "Heh. A few hours ago I was sickened by the thought of this. Now I'm the only one who can save the day. Funny how things change in such a short amount of time." He looked towards his friends, who gave him confident and reassuring looks. "Here goes everything…"

"Hey Targum!" Sir Bacon cringed when he heard the bony Frostfang prepare his Necrotic Breath. "One last pun, for old times sake?"

"Fine, whatever."

"Tell me, how was doth man who was punctured by a knife?"

Wario rolled his eyes. "How was he?"

Robin jumped out from his hiding place and flung his weapon at the Paladin. "In STABle condition!"

Time stopped in place as the dagger came slowly flying at the surprised vile Oathbreaker. In fact, it felt as if everything was endlessly trapped in the present. The birds stopped, the breaths stopped, even Wario's laughter stopped. Everything was dependent on this throw. Robin remembered closing his eyes, praying that the dice would be in his favor. After all they had gone through, he felt like he deserved at least something out of all of this.

Well, actually, he had gotten his friend back.

_Robin's Attack Roll: …_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_It's a—!_

_Oh._

_It's a 19…_

The dagger came soaring past the Paladin's neck, barely clipping it. Something snapped, and Wario screamed out in surprise, turning around to face his hidden foe. "You?!" The greedy entrepreneur exclaimed. "I thought I killed you!"

Stumbling backwards, Robin grinned weakly. He looked hollow inside, almost as if he had defeated himself. Mr. Game and Watch and Pac-Man shrugged down in disappointment as their last hope was crushed by probability. "I guess not. Heh, here I thought I'd be a hero." He looked towards his friends in his own self-pity, his look the only apology he felt as if he could give.

"It's fine, Squire… Sir Robin." Mr. Game and Watch told him, peaking out from his frozen prison. He smiled weakly too, his disappointment clearly showing. For the second time that night, he broke character. "Dungeons and Dragons isn't about whether we win or lose; it's about telling the best story possible. And we told one heck of a story, huh? We may have lost the day, but I think we won in the end, huh?"

"Think about it too, kiddo," Pac-Man stuck his head out from the ice entrapment as well, a look of faded mirth on his face. "You and Mr. G patched things up, right? And I'd say we've gotten pretty close too. I'd call it a win in my book."

Robin took a moment to suppress his frustration and anguish to smile back at them. As usual, they were right. "Yeah, huh? We all learned a little bit about ourselves." He limped over to the ice prison and stood there proudly. "Mr. G, Pac-Man… you're great friends."

"Here here." The Hero of Pac-Land nodded.

"'Tis well." agreed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Kill us all, or not at all, Wario." Robin told hum, turning to face the Oathbreaker. "This has been one heck of a ride."

The Paladin snapped back to attention, shaking his head as if he was awakening. "Oh, you done?" He yawned, hand over his mouth. "Coolio. Ha, to think! That roll was great too! That would've penetrated my armor if I wasn't—" He paused for a moment. "Wait a second… that should've penetrated my armor. The only way it couldn't have is if…"

The tired and defeated look on Robin's face suddenly transformed. Targum's eyes inflated when he realized that the tactician had been playing with him this whole time. "I wasn't aiming for you?"

"No no no… Ydraxxel… Kill them!" When nothing happened, he turned to face his slave. "I said kill them! Kill them—!"

The helmeted horror was frozen in place, looking blanking at his open gauntlet. For in his hands, the chain broken from Robin's throw, sat the locket containing Ydraxxel's soul. Mega Man was shocked too, undeniably amazed that now, thanks to the Rogue, he had his freedom back.

"Ydraxxel, Destroyer of Worlds." said ROB. "What do you do?"

* * *

_A few minutes earlier…_

* * *

"Is our battle plan set?" asked Wario. Mega Man nodded, while Ashley gave a "uh huh" through Wario's phone.

"I still have homework to do," she reminded him, her voice static. "And these planetary long distance calls are really racking up my phone bill. You better pay for this."

The doors opened again as ROB entered the room. "We are ready for you, gentlemen plus lady." The robot deadpanned. "Shall we?"

"Yo, kiddo." Bart Lemming sat up in his seat, motioning over to Mega Man as everyone else left. "Mind if I say something to you?"

Nervously, Mega Man shuffled over to the stranger with an uncomfortable look on his face. "Something looks like it's bothering you." Bart told him, taking a knee to look face to face with the android. "What's wrong?"

When Dr. Light's creation didn't say anything, the Smasher in disguise faintly recalled that Mr. Game and Watch had once told him that Rock had social anxiety around strangers. "Look, I know you don't know me— like, at all— but I'd like to think that you might not like it if Wario wins the night. I know I won't. I'm complete stranger to you, and I get that! But I promise, you'll probably never see me again after this, so if you need to get something that you can't get off your chest with your friends, I'm the perfect guy to tell. I give my word I won't breathe a word to another soul, sailor's honor."

After a few moments of uncomfortable decision making, the Blue Bomber finally said, "I feel awful about the whole thing." He admitted honestly. His voice was quiet, almost too quiet to hear without Bart straining his ears. "I don't want to fight my friends nor be evil. Maybe this wasn't my best idea."

"Ydraxxel, right?" The waiter took a moment to act like he was struggling to recall information on him. "Yeah, Mr. G told me a bit about him today. He's trying to convert him into a hero, right? Well, I'd say that Ydraxxel seems to really hate Wario, right? Probably wants him gone too."

Rock nodded hesitantly. "Yeah..." He jumped in surprise when he heard a loud sound behind the F-Zero racer. Curiously, he peeked over Bart's shoulder to see that a printer had started up, rapidly spitting out papers.

"Ignore that." Bart quickly interjected. Clearing his throat, he continued. "If it was me— just saying— if I could free myself from the locket just for a moment, I would think this would be the best way to smite Wario." He leaned over and whispered into Mega Man's ear. The Super Fighting Robot's eyes lit up at his words when he realized what he was saying.

"But…" mumbled Mega Man after Bart had finished. "Would he even want to come to help?"

"Oh trust me," The mysterious entrepreneur winked. "Just give him a call and see what he says. I think he'd over here in an instant."

* * *

_A few minutes later…_

* * *

"I'm free…" Ydraxxel, Destroyer of Worlds said, looking down at his locket. "I'm free!"

"No no no!" Wario fell backwards. "This can't be happening!"

The helmed horror took a moment to stare at his former allies, looking at them individually with disdain. "I have no reason to help any of you foolish scum." When his gaze rested on Robin, however, the fire in his eyes seemed to vanished. "However… you're the only one who ever gave me the benefit of the doubt. You believed in me, that I was my own master. For that, I give you my thanks." He patted the coveted hat on top of his head, still withstanding time and battle.

"Call me Pollyanna, I guess." Robin smiled thinly.

"For your strange trust in me, I will… aide you." Ydraxxel flicked his wrist, summoning a door right in front of Wario, who was trying to crawl away in the midst of their conversation. The Paladin flinched as the door began to shake, at first timidly, but then furiously. All of a sudden, the door bursted open with a fiery explosion, knocking the Paladin backwards.

Robin stared in shock as a Lightfoot Halfling stepped through the doorway. He was incredibly handsome, dressed in a fine crimson tuxedo and black pants. His eyes were like fire, flickering back and forth with the wind. In his hands was a beautiful rapier, a silvered masterpiece by some legendary blacksmith. He spoke in a Spanish accent, and each word was articulated clearly and exotically.

"It is I," He said with a mysterious smirk. "Sergio, your **I**deal **G**orgeous **L**over **E**xchanging **S**ensual **I**nteractions and **A**rousing **S**timulations. Or perhaps you better know me as…"

* * *

_Time: 2300 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City, World Capital_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

"_YES!_"

In a burst of shattered glass, Captain Douglas Jay Falcon came flying through the front door of The Falcon House, his Knee of Justice the only door handle that he needed. Sliding across the floor, he put his hands on his hips and posed dramatically.

"Did someone say they needed a hero?" smiled Captain Falcon, brushing his thumb across his chin. When the rest of the party just stared at him dumbfounded, he turned towards the doorway, which had been obliterated upon his entrance. "Right, I'll pay for that…"

* * *

_Time: 1905 Hours_

_Location: The Graveyard_

_Caprisun, Sword Mountains_

_Sword Coast, Faerûn_

* * *

"Sergio I.G.L.E.S.I.A.S.!" Sir Bacon cried out in surprise. "But I thought the Lich—"

"Nothing that is done can't be undone." Sergio winked. He pointed his magical rapier at Wario. "My passion transcends dimensions, just like your cowardness does as well! I was not surprised when I discovered who it was who ordered the Lich to banish me. I just didn't realize you didn't have the guts to fight fairly."

"Ser— Ser—" Wario stumbled for words, crawling backwards. Grasping for his locket, he yelled out, "Frostfang! Kill them all!"

"You're forgetting who killed Frostfang in the first place, mi amigo." The playboy Halfling snapped his fingers. Robin saw a red symbol light up on his white gloves, which the tactician concluded was his Arcane Focus. Immediately, the ground around him began to float upwards in a discus shape, and Sergio went flying up into the air. "I can do it twice!"

Flying up to its face, Captain Falcon finally got a good look at his former foe. "You haven't aged well." He joked, putting away his sword. The Dracolich let out a ferocious roar at the Sorcerer, an indication that the undead monstrosity still recognized its killer. But if Sergio was phased, he didn't show it. He crossed his arms casually and stared confidently back at it.

"Dispel Magic, Level Nine!" Sergio yelled out. Focusing all of his magical potential, he aimed the spell right at the Dracolich. Robin covered his ears as the screams of the undead filled the graveyard. Pitifully, Frostfang began crumpling down into the ground, its bones whisking away in the wind. Its arms and wings flayed sporadically, but try as it might it could not escape Falcon's decisive blow. A few moments later, the Dracolich fell to the ground, only a pile of dust and goo remaining where Wario's mighty weapon once stood.

"No… No!" The Dragonborn Paladin hung his head in defeat as Sergio came flying back downwards. "But… but I won!"

"Doesn't look like that to me." Ydraxxel shrugged casually. He desummoned the ice prison, allowing Thoridan and Sir Bacon to go free. Soon, all five allies were surrounding the whimpering Paladin, watching pitifully as he tried to reach for the Vorpal Sword.

"I believe that's mine." taunted Sir Bacon, picking up his weapon just before Wario could reach it. Finally, sword and master were reunited.

"What do we do with him?" Thoridan asked, motioning towards the pathetic man in front of them.

"Throw him off the mountains?" Sergio suggested.

"That's not creative." argued Robin, leaning against the cliff face for support. "We can think of better."

"I don't think we should kill him." Ydraxxel shook his head. The others looked at him in surprise, especially since this was the guy who had been pestering them to kill the entire journey. "How else will we be able to teach him the error of his ways?"

Sir Bacon beamed at him with pride. "That's my boy!" He smiled. "I concur with our Necromancer friend. I say we did what he did to you, Sergio. Banish him from this realm until he learns the errors of his ways!"

"Fine with me." The Sorcerer shrugged. "Ydraxxel, if you'd do the honors."

"Wait, no—" With one hand, the freed Wizard picked up his former master and threw him over his head, sending the Paladin flying into the portal. As soon as he entered through the vortex, it closed behind him, banishing the Dragonborn indefinably to the next realm.

* * *

_Time: 2306 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City, World Capital_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

"HUZZAH!" The group cheered successfully as they finally defeated their foe. Even ROB seemed pleased, turning off the VR headset and putting up his arms in victory like the rest of them.

"That was a heck of a game!" chortled Wario, shaking Mr. Game and Watch's hand. His mirthful manner surprised Robin, and it took him a moment to realize it was just as much as a game to him as it was to the rest of them. "Sorry I had to go all villain mode on you, bud."

"No feelings hurt, Wario." The Flatlander promised him. "I agree: that was the most fun I've had in a long time."

"Well," Captain Falcon looked at the clock. "I'm sure if what's-his-name was still here, he'd say it's time to go!"

"Sure is." Pac-Man yawned. "I'm beat! Same time next month, ROB?"

"Affirmative." The robot nodded. "I will let you know on location."

"Actually," Robin rubbed his chin. "We have the back room cleared up now. We could turn that into some sort of community room where you could it out for the night. What do you think, Falcon?" They turned towards the bounty hunter, who was busy sweeping up the glass he had broken. At the mention of his name, he whipped around, trying to hide the broom from plain sight. He shot a look at Robin that said, "What the heck did you just do?!"

"Umm…" Robin quickly realized his error. "I mean… would you want to meet up with us in the back room to play D&amp;D if you could?"

When the others relaxed, so did the F-Zero racer. "I mean, hypothetically speaking, if the back room was opened up for business…" Falcon rambled, "Not saying whether that could happen, but on the likely chance that it is, I would have to see."

"I'm sure Bart would be fine with that." Mr. Game and Watch told them. "Come on, let's get going. I don't want to explain the door thing to him anyways."

As they started to leave, Robin felt a hand on his shoulder. "Not you." Captain Falcon gritted through his teeth. "We need to talk."

* * *

**A/N: And… done. That was exhausting. Honestly, I'm just glad this arc is over. I miss writing about Bart after all of this, so bet your buns he'll be back next chapter! I kind of got sick of the romance stuff for a while there (thus this arc), but now I'm sick of this stuff. Check please!**

**This was also a test for me. I wanted to see how my fighting scenes turned out. I think they're decent, if I say so myself. Any advice is appreciated, as this is actually my third attempt at writing one (two in this story, one in Alone Together). As this took up 25% of the story, there will be no more D&amp;D chapters.**

**Anyways, I now have a update schedule! Everything regarding my plans on The Falcon House is on my Profile Page under the cleverly named "The Falcon House Update Schedule." Emergency changes and the like will be notified there, so if you're wondering when the next chapter will come up look there.**

**Special shoutout to my D&amp;D group. These chapters are for you. You guys rock!**

**Work hard, keep your head up, and smile, dear readers. Most importantly, have a fantastic day!**

**Until we meet again,**

**-CD**

* * *

"Let me ask you something, kiddo," said Captain Falcon, opening the door to his office. When they were both inside, the racer took off his helmet, letting his hair flow down. "Do you know why the gangsters would attack you for this folder?"

"Gumshoe said that it was important, that's all." replied Robin, watching as the F-Zero racer pull out the coveted manila folder and plop it on the desk. "Not much else after that. Detective Chemley got fired trying to smuggle it out of the department."

"Inspector." Bart interjected. "He prefers Inspector Chemley." When Robin shot him a vexed look, he rolled his eyes. "I've met him before, probably long before you." He walked over to his fridge and started rummaging through it. "I'll just have you read it."

With shaking hands, the former SCPD member picked up the folder. For some reason, the tactician felt nervous, taking a deep breath before opening it to the first page.

"Come on already; we don't have all night."

Robin took another breath before beginning. "_'According to all known laws of aviation,'_" he began, "_'there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body—_' Shove off, is this the entire script to the Bee Movie?"

"Every single delightful word." sighed Bart, grabbing a can and plopping back into his seat. "Please tell me it's some sort of inside joke or something? Like, is the SCPD obsessed with the Bee Movie or something?"

"I don't understand…" Robin ran his fingers through his hair. "Are you sure this is right?"

"Counted up the pages of the encoded document and compared myself. It's an exact match." The peculiar waiter spun around in his seat, taking a sip of his root beer. "Don't know what else to tell you. We're back to square one."

"It's… it's fine, I guess." Robin closed the folder and put it under his armpit. "Sorry that I wasted so much time with this useless piece of crap."

"Don't sweat about it, kiddo." Bart told him in his reassuring voice. "We'll figure it out. Meanwhile, we better get to bed. It's about to be past curfew, and you know Master Hand."

"Yeah." The tactician still looked disappointed, but he couldn't disagree. "Let's go, I guess."

"Hey, look on the bright side," Bart put on his helmet and wrapped his arm around his employee. "It's September. It's finally fall-ish." He paused. "Or is it summer? Meh. Anyways, a lot of things can happen when a new season starts. Who knows? Maybe the answer is right in front of us."

"True." Robin nodded, a bit happier by his cheerful demeanor. "I guess we got that going for us."

"Anything's possible, kiddo. Sometimes it just takes a second look."

* * *

**A/N: It's fanfiction, I think I can quote the _Bee Movie_. If there's copyright, I mean, it's fanfiction. This whole site could be taken down, right? Meh.**

**Shame about the folder, though. Thought that I'd finally advance the plot, huh? Meh. I'll make you a promise, though. I'll advance the plot.**

**In Chapter 20 :)**

**(Or maybe, did you miss something?)**

**Also, for those wondering about the Levartes Gem…**

**A bit of back story… The Crypt of Saint Bernard is a campaign I ran a while ago. Well, the group didn't make it to the end. They ended up nearly dying to one of my wonderful traps :) So, for those of said group reading this, here was the actual ending you would've received assuming you made it to the end.**

**Also, yes, I am trash.**

* * *

Saint Bernard's chamber was enormous. Four gargantuan pillars stood in homage to the legendary demon slayer, holding the ceiling up with ease. Dank, gray stone engraved in intricate patterns aligned the walls. A lot of time and effort seemed to be put into the construction of this magnificent monument that was the final resting place of the Levartes Gem.

Sergio, Sir Bacon, and Thoridan pushed aside the coffin's heavy cover, dust and soot flying up as the contents were revealed. When the grime settled and everything was visible again, they finally peered into the grave. Instead of a dead body, a singular glowing red orb sat idle. The innards seemed to be swirling about, perhaps some untold power lurking within it.

"Sir Bacon." said Robin. "As this was your quest, I believe you should take it." The rest nodded in agreement.

The Stout Halfling took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I've been waiting for this day for a long time now." He reminisced. "Thank you."

"Hold on," Sergio whipped around, his eyebrows scrunched together. "Do… do you hear that?"

Everyone paused for a moment, remaining silent. "Is that…" mumbled Ydraxxel. "Music?"

All of a sudden, a white dog came floating in from the ceiling. Flying over to the grave, the white dog absorbed the legendary artifact before flying off into the wall, disappearing into the unknown. The group could only stare in shock and awe, unsure as how to process the scene before them.

"Huh." said Mr. Game and Watch. "That happened."

* * *

_Guest Review Response Corner_

_Guest from Chapter 12: Hey, trust me, it's no problem (I need to get into better shape anyways)! Thanks for your encouragement about the VR and reality. I found it difficult to figure out how I wanted to transition from D&amp;D to The Falcon House, so I thought this would be a happy medium to transition to and fro without breaking the flow of the story. As for puns, man... Don't even get me started :)_

_Alx: I admit, I thought about maybe doing Lucina and Falcon, but I ship Samus and Falcon too hard to do that. And talk about conicidence! I've only found a few stories that way, so thank you for giving this one a shot! I'm glad you're enjoying it so far, and trust me: I want to finish this story, so I'll keep going until it's done! I quit on a few stories in the past, and quite frankly I've always felt bad about it. But The Falcon House will be complete, I promise you that! (And no, let me thank you for being awesome!)_

_Thanks to both of you guys for reviewing, and anyone else who may have wanted to leave a review but didn't know what to say. You mean a lot to me, and I wouldn't still be writing this without your support. Take luck, and until we meet again!_


	14. Chapter 14: Rome

**A/N: Some spoilers for The Paper Snowflake. Some spoilers for Earthbound. Nothing really major though, but I know I'm just too much of a wimp to not tell you if you want to do a blind reading/run-through of either. One day I'll be a man, Mama.**

**Sorry for getting this out so late. That's life for you.**

* * *

Chapter 14: Rome

* * *

Autumn had finally come to the metropolis known as Smash City. Mainly what this meant was that the cold fronts from the Glacial Peak would stream across the streets and sidewalks, chilling the skin of its residents. The leaves in Smash Park would finally start falling down, covering the green grass with a golden orange hue. The pumpkin spiced flavors and the warm pies that followed suit would fill the shelves all around Smash Mart, just waiting for patrons to dig into the season.

It really felt magical to the viewer, watching in silence as not only the temperature changed, but the temperament of the citizens as well. Most folks, after the long workings of summer, were exhausted. Summer only came once a year, so the wise ones would tried to take advantage of the warm days and cool nights as much as they could. After their labors, the season would flip on like a switch, and the once frantic and joyous folks turned lackadaisical and sated. If was as if a giant hand had snapped their fingers and changed everything.

"It was crazy," reflected Dr. Mario as they strolled down the streets of Smash City. "I swear, ROB did a total turn around. Ever since he came back from that Summer Conference he's been doing awful in training, but it's like the day the tournament comes back he knows my every move even before I do!"

"That's robots for you," replied Bart, his breath visible in the air. "Stupid scans and whatever. They can almost tell everything about somebody."

It was a breezy weekday in October. Since The Falcon House wasn't open on Mondays, Falcon was just going to make a quick stop at the coffee house and meander his way back to catching up on training. After all, he had started to spend more time in The Falcon House than anywhere else as of lately. The Smasher found that more and more of his enjoyment came from helping people as Bart Lemming rather than bounty hunting as the boisterous strapping Captain Falcon. Then again, bounties had seemingly evaporate from the SCPD, so it was getting kind of hard to keep that up anyways…

"I'm probably going to have to train harder now, too." added Dr. Mario with a bit of wistfulness, buttoning his lab coat. "The others are catching up to me and I refuse to be beaten by Charizard. I may be towards bottom of the Tier list, but heck if that stupid dragon thing beats me."

"Hmm… " nodded Bart absentmindedly. "Yeah. I mean, I'm not that into the tournament as some of the others in the city, but I think you're going to be fine as long as you be you." They turned a corner, perking the entrepreneur's interests. "Here we are!" He exclaimed with such jovial energy that the good doctor jumped. "Aye, Pit!"

"Bart!" Pit, Captain of Palutena's Guard, waved his hand at the F-Zero racer. Dr. Mario raised an eyebrow when he realized that his fellow Smasher was standing behind a hot dog stand, a white hat on his head and an apron around his waist. His wings were resting idly behind his back. "Is it that time of day again?"

"Sure is!" Bart put his hands on his hips and posed proudly. "Three hot dogs: mustard, onion, chili, and cheese only!"

"Coming right up." Pit turned towards his acquaintance, who stood perplexed. "Oh. Hey, Doc!"

"Pit…?" Dr. Mario raised his eyebrow. He was usually good with keeping up with the children, so the fact he didn't now about that the young angel was working behind a hot dog stand was a bit surprising. "What are you doing here?"

"I need the cash." Pit stated bluntly. He was lathering four hot dogs in a brownish liquid that he assumed was chili. He handed three of them to Bart, put the fourth one on a separate plate, and checked his watch. "Can you take a step back really quickly, Doc?"

Confused, he obeyed. Pit stared at his watch for a good couple of seconds. "Three, two, one—" The angel threw the plate into the air at what seemed to be directly at the hungover patron. The physician was about to smack it out of the air out of natural instinct when a blue blur came passing by, causing him to instead cover his eyes and take a step back. When the wind had died down, the duo could see that the plate was gone, appropriate payment and tip on the stand.

"Sorry, you know Sonic." shrugged the hot dog vendor. "Always in a rush." Pit grabbed the money from the counter and started adding it up.

Bart, in the meantime, had been stuffing his face with the franks. Currently, he was trying to stuff all three in his mouth at once, creating a sloppy mess of condiments on his face. "Youff wanfff soomf Doc?" The F-Zero racer managed to choke out.

"It's really good! I made the chili myself!" said Pit excitedly. He handed him a chili dog. "First one's on the house!"

The doctor sniffed it suspiciously. Hesitantly, he took a timid bite, chewing slowly as if to process every single molecule of the hot dog. "This…" He said after a few seconds. "Is actually really good."

Pit beamed with pride. "Thanks Doc! That means a lot!"

After they had ordered a few more hot dogs, Bart and Dr. Mario found a green bench underneath a birch tree. It was a nice spot, near the intersection of 6th and Brawl and just where they could see Smash Park in the autumn. Both ate in silence for a moment, just taking the time to enjoy the scenery.

"So. Umm…" Dr. Mario started after he had finished his second portion. "How do we do this?"

"Dunno." Bart shrugged. Thinking, he added, "What's was with earlier? Mind explaining that to me real fast?"

* * *

_Earlier that morning_

* * *

"Dr. J's lined up at mid court line…" Captain Falcon mumbled to himself, standing at the back door of his establishment. He was holding a bulking bag of trash awkwardly underneath his armpit, eyeing the peeling green paint on the dumpster across from him. "There's three seconds on the clock. Julius needs to make the basketball if he ever hopes to beat the Celtics for the Championship. He takes a deep breath," Similarly, Bart took a deep breath, "and knows what to do."

With a running start, Bart pulled out the trash bag, made a fantastical leap in the air, and dunked the garbage into its new home. "ROCK THE BABY!" He yelled out heroically, landing on his feet. "And the crowd goes wild, screaming—"

"AH!" The seemingly innocuous trashcan screamed back.

"AH!" Startled, Bart leapt backwards, landing on his bottom. He felt his heart beating a thousand beats per minute, so quickly that he felt as if he was racing.

"The heck am I—" Grumbling, Dr. Mario crawled out of his improvised bed and stood up. The good doctor wasn't looking too well. His brown hair was ruffled and dank, presumably from the mysterious liquids and sticky anomalies that festered inside public dumpsters. His clothing was worse for wear, drink stains all over his lab coat and buttons missing from his fine dress shirt. His red tie, the Captain reflected, was missing.

"Where am I?" The doctor shook his head, dropping the flask in his hand and grabbing his forehead. His face was pressed with the worries of tomorrow, and his eyes stared dully into space. "Maybe I did have too much to drink last night."

"I'd say." said Bart, holding his chest in panic. "You about scared the living crap out of me!"

Now that he had a firm grasp on the ground, Dr. Mario took a good look at the Smasher in disguise. "Oh." He said blankly. "It's you."

"Bart. Bart Lemming." The waiter nodded, standing up. He allowed his posture to be straighter than usual, as if he was trying to intimidate the medical man with his sheer size. It was clear, however, that nothing could intimidate the hungover doctor.

"So that's what you're calling yourself these days." Dr. Mario snorted, picking up his flask and putting it back into his coat pocket. "'Bart Lemming.'"

"That's right." Captain Falcon nodded darkly. He paused for a moment, trying to suppress his memories. "Er, hey Doc, why are you in my trashcan?"

His companion looked towards the metal can and back towards him. Sarcastically, he scoffed, "I was becoming one with my people."

"No really, why are you here? And why—are you drunk again?"

Dr. Mario had known to be kind of a drunk in the past. Ever since some Christmas episode a couple of years back, the poor medicine man had taken to the bottle rather than actual society. For a while now, it seemed that he had gotten back into his old cheerful demeanor, but the image in front of Bart wasn't a positive reinforcement of the doctor's reformation. His face seemed sad almost, as if he had didn't care about how he looked, but the reason was currently beyond the F-Zero racers' abilities.

It looked like Dr. Mario was about to deny the accusations, but he sighed before he could utter anything. "Yeah, I am." He pulled out his flask and started pouring it on the ground. Gritting his teeth, he muttered, "Everyone gets one night, right?"

Bart nodded approvingly, but the physician's off-putting mannerisms felt wrong. "You okay, Doc?" asked Falcon, concern bending his brow.

Again, it looked like the Doctor was about to deny his claim, but with another sigh he shrugged. "No, Bart. No I'm not." Hesitantly, he added, "Mind if we talk about it? If you have the time, that is."

"Yeah, that's fine with me. You know I owe you more than I can repay." Falcon reminded him. A loud grumbling shook his stomach, immediately followed by Dr. Mario's own ferocious roar. "But first, let's wash our hands and grab a bite to eat. I'm starving!"

* * *

_Present_

* * *

"So what's bringing you down, Doc?" Bart continued, taking smaller bites of his hot dog. "Sports? Bad news? Relationship problems?" Aside, he muttered, "I get a lot of that these days."

The physician shrugged. "I guess, if you look at it." He sighed. "For starters, Mr. Game and Watch and Rosalina just made things official."

"Really?!" Bart raised his eyebrows. "Like, official official or just down low official?"

"The first one." The clone of Mario nodded. "They just went out on their third date last Friday. And you know what happens on the third date."

Bart coughed for a moment. "Umm…"

"It means they're in a committed relationship with each other and clearly enjoy being together." Dr. Mario finished through clenched teeth. He didn't notice Bart's sigh of relief. "I can't believe I waited so long."

The F-Zero hero gulped. Mr. Game and Watch had mentioned that he couldn't make it to work on Sunday because he "needed to go on a hot date." He just assumed it was another one of his playboy runs, not an actual commitment. Yesterday, he realized, would be his fourth date then. He decided it might be best to withhold that information from the Doctor.

"I should've just done it." sighed Dr. Mario. "I'm stupid, but I guess 'Live and Learn,' huh?" He paused for a moment, taking another bite of his hot dog. "Teach me to hesitate."

"But that's not all." said the Smasher in disguise. "You look crushed."

"Am I a book or something?" chuckled Dr. Mario, lightly elbowed his companion. His laughter passed quickly, and his face grew grave. Resting his head on his hands, he sighed, "No, that's… that's not all." He licked his lips, leaning back as a rush of cool air game him goosebumps. "I'm… I'm Ness's legal guardian."

"What?!" Falcon hadn't heard about this. He leaned towards the Doctor. "Like… his parents died?"

"No, nothing like that!" Dr. Mario shook his head rapidly. "His parents live on Earth II, you know, so… I don't know how much you know about his life, but his parents owe a lot of money to the Minch family. I mean, a lot. And ever since Porky or whatever his name is went missing after the whole Giygas thing the Minchs… you know…"

"Blame Ness?" guessed the bounty hunter.

"Yeah. They've been heckling them nonstop for payments. They nearly didn't have enough money to send him back for this Smash Era. I actually paid half of the trip money, and well… none of them can make it here." Dr. Mario snorted. "The standard of living is too high for them, poor folks. Ness is staring school again here soon and they thought it'd be easier if they had someone they trusted here to take care of him, to sign all of his legal forms and stuff."

"And they chose you." finished Bart.

"The one and only." The doctor shifted uncomfortably in his seat, adjusting himself until he was semi-comfortable. "Well, I'm not the one and only. There's Mario, I guess…" With a sigh, he rubbed his eyes. "I guess I was just the best fit for the poor kid, huh?"

Captain Falcon had a part in that story. When the Melee Era had started, Ness had started to get really get homesick. Long phone calls weren't working anymore, and soon it was almost as if the PSI Powerhouse couldn't function, a broken machine in a system meant to prevent that. Mario, with his somewhat inexhaustible well of wisdom, had asked Dr. Mario if the good doctor could room with the Eaglelander, just so he had company. Although somewhat reserved, the doctor obeyed with the duteous disposition he was known for. That decision was one that he never regretted.

"Well congratulations, Doc!" Bart patted him on the back. "You're a father! Sort of."

"And therein the third problem." Dr. Mario let out another sigh. "I just lost my job at the hospital. Well, I didn't lose it. I… I quit."

"You quit?!" The Smasher in disguise's eyes were huge like discs. "I thought you loved that job!"

"I don't, actually." Dr. Mario shook his head. "I got put on cosmetics. You know, plastic surgery. They didn't trust me to resume my research into Mega-Vitamins after I took to alcohol. Rather I be put on something less harmful, just in case I have a relapse." Distastefully, he pulled out his flask and tossed it into the trashcan nearby. "Well, I'm not proving them wrong." He duly noted. "But that's not real, you know? I'm supposed to help people. That's why I'm a doctor. I want to save lives, not help someone get a bigger butt or something stupid like that. I pledged my life to saving lives, but I couldn't even take care of my own. Now look." He turned at his companion with a look of desperation. "How the heck am I supposed to take care of Ness and do something that I love without risking both of our futures? I mean, I want to be a doctor and save people, but I don't want to be a plastic surgeon. But if I don't, then how am I supposed to take care of Ness?"

Bart stared at him blankly, processing everything he had just said. "Doc," He stated bluntly. "I have no idea."

Dr. Mario snorted. "Thanks. I could always count on you."

Falcon sat silently for a moment, letting his thoughts seep in. Relaxed, he rubbed his chin. "You know Doc, I've learned recently that not everything's so black and white. I thought it was, but… I was wrong." He leaned back on the bench, tossing the remaining bits of hot dog in his mouth and swallowing. "I've learned a lot these past couple of months, especially about people. You know, I thought I knew it all. I thought the world black and white too. I knew who to trust and who to hate, and it was a simple as that. But… what happens when one of those right things becomes wrong, you know? What happens when the things you trusted would remain the same pop back up again?"

"What are you talking about?" said Dr. Mario, raising his eyebrows.

"Nothing, Doc." sighed Bart, half-heartedly smiling at his acquaintance. "I just want you to know that even I don't have the answers to my own questions. Sometimes it's not so clear as night and day. That's why dusk and dawn exist: to remind us there's a blur between the two. Doc, I wish I knew how to solve both of our problems, but all I can tell you is this: you did the right thing by becoming Ness's guardian, but sometimes you have to sacrifice the things you love to make sure the people that you love can do the things that they love— if you followed that. Sometimes you have to live with the burden of knowledge, of certain facts that shouldn't be revealed so others can be happy." He rubbed his face stoically

"You're thinking of James again, aren't you." said Dr. Mario, patting him on the back.

"Every day." Bart told him. He shook his head and cleared his throat. "Dr. Mario, I'm not sure what it is about me talking to people on benches, but it always seems that something unnecessarily serious happens on them. I don't want to end our conversation on this note. How about we head over to the Mini-Golf course and play some ball, huh? It'll be on me. Tomorrow is another day, so for now let's rest up and figure out our crazy lives when we can, okay?"

Dr. Mario sat up, adjusting his jacket. "Okay. But first, let me head back to the manor and get on some fresh clothes."

Bart smiled. "Great. You stink to high heavens."

As the doctor walked away, Captain Falcon leaned back against the bench, his arms resting on top of the back support. Someday he'd figure out all of this: his messy life, his relationship, his identity.

But Rome wasn't built in a day.

* * *

**A/N: Yes it was short, yes it probably wasn't worth the wait, (but unfortunately this chapter was necessary) but hey, I didn't want it to be as long as the previous chapters. Gets hard to constantly update like that, you know?**

**And those wondering about Pichu's money… Dr. Mario spent it all to repay his student loans. End of story.**

**That being said, Hallobowleen is nearly on us, so that update is set to come out soon. Probably should start on that. Like, right now. So until next time, work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a fantastic day!**

* * *

_Guest Review Response Corner:_

_Guest #3 (October 16th): Never._

_Guest #2: (September 19th): Falmus will never die. Also, I have evil plans for Lucina ;)_

_That being said, thanks for your words on Mr. Game and Watch. He's one of my favorite characters in Smash ever since I was young, and I feel like he's more than just a two-dimensional character- literally and figuratively. The whole COSB trilogy was based on building up Robin and Mr. Game and Watch, who I felt were weak compared to Bart. This story is in the end about Captain Falcon, but it doesn't mean that each character is just here for the ride._

_Also, about the black and white thing… keep that in mind as you progress forward. That was something I didn't except anyone to catch._

_Magie: Becoming pun-ny isn't a pun-derful process. In order to pun-derstand puns, you got to work on your pun-damentals. You'd think it a pun-ishment (to which, a pun-itentiary is most appropriate) to pun-raise for your brain, but as long as it pun-ctions, it's fine in my book._

_Also, I wanna play Mr. Game and Watch too._

_Guest #1 (September 3rd): You're the reason that I went in reverse order this time._

_Before I delve into that, the Bee Movie started out as a joke. Some of my acquaintances are obsessed with it, so how could I not resist? The Robin and Dark Pit stand off was something I've been waiting for a long time. I left the final conclusion between them open for interpretation, so you may see him again, you may not. All I know for certain is that I'm a load of Undertale trash :P_

_Okay, now about the root beer._

_I decided to leave this as vague as possible, so here's what I can tell you: the chapter is a lot like a cake. You licked the icing when you uncovered that detail, but you don't know the flavor of the cake. Perhaps take a second look at it, except taste the real ingredients, not the artificial stuff that you thought was the main part (I mean, it still is, it's just for the answer to your inquiry). You might just discover something that you missed._

_That being said, thank you all for your reviews. As I said, it means the world to me. I wish you love!_

_-Circuit's De—_

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* * *

**Star: N/A**

**Key: 2-1-18-20**

**WFCL YMU ACJGCVC GL SFGLEQ SFBS YMU TML'S ULTCPQSBLT, SFCL YMU QUDDCP**


	15. Chapter 15: HALLOBOWLEEN SPOOPTACULAR

**A/N: BOO!**

_It's not even Halloween anymore, CD. Heck, it's freaking Valentine's Day._

**…I'm still posting it, fight me.**

**Yeah, this is _SUPER_ late. Sorry. There really is no excuse. Well, there is one, but I am going to talk about it at the end. Until then, w****hether you're feeling like a _Cactus on Valentine's_ or not, hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Some spoilers for Kid Icarus: Uprising. Some spoilers for a Mary Shelley classic. That last one was spoilers for this story.**

**I'm on fire.**

**Anyways, apologize to all of my Canadian readers ahead of time.**

**I love you all equally.**

* * *

Chapter 15: SPOOPY BELATED HALLOBOWLEEN SPOOPTACULAR FOR VALENTINE'S DAY

* * *

_Time: October 31st, 1400 Hours_

_Location: The Falcon House_

_Smash City_

_Continent One, The World of Trophies_

* * *

Halloween isn't exactly a landmark holiday in the grand scheme of the year. After all, what was there really to do when you finally grew up and the fun of trick-or-treating finally ran its course? Naturally, huge crazy Halloween parties were the highlights of being an adult, but what of those who didn't enjoy the crazy cluster of people and loud, blaring music? What were they to do but to treat it like a normal day?

This was the case with Bart Lemming.

"Okay, kiddos," began Captain Falcon, sliding into his office chair and rubbing his hands together. "Progress report stat! November is just around the corner, so I want our peak potential to be maximized. Robin? Give me some good news."

"Advertisement is incredible." The tactician reported, looking over his clipboard. "Ever since people learned the Smashers have been coming here they've been eager to follow suit. We don't even have to put out anything anymore. As for revenue, well… we've seen a small increase of five percent, which is definitely a loss from last month's eight percent. But hey, I'll take the growth."

"I'll take it too!" Bart clapped. "Mr. Game and Watch? How's crew moral?"

"Umm." The Flatlander rubbed his chin. "You feeling good?"

"Yes."

"Yup."

"Crew moral is at a staggering one-hundred percent." Mr. Game and Watch reported back, running through his completely black papers. "Customer satisfaction is exceedingly well… There's that demonic portal in the pantry… oh, and our bread stock is dwindling. We need some of that gluten."

"I'll refresh our supply order." The peculiar owner nodded. "Sounds to me like we're rocking it! Keep it up and you'll get those pay raises in no time. I'll close up and—"

"Wait, stop." Robin raised his eyebrow and turned towards his co-worker. "Mr. G, go back to that demonic portal."

Mr. Game and Watch stared at him blankly. "A demonic portal?"

Robin returned his glance. "You just said it. In the pantry."

"Oh! That demonic portal?"

The tactician squinted at his friend, as if he wasn't sure if he was joking or serious. "Do you know many others?"

The 2D wonder coughed, averting his gaze to the floor. "Well, you know that all of the planets are aligned tonight, yes?"

"Yes."

"And there's a full blood moon?"

"Yes..."

"And the nuclear power plant malfunctioned a couple of days ago, the power keeps going on and off, Smashers have gone missing, the spirits in The Graveyard are active, the prison recently had a mass-murderer escape, there's a storm set to hit preventing us from leaving the coffee house, and the Cubs won the World Series?"

"... Wait, that last one technically hasn't happened yet..."

Mr. Game and Watch shrugged. "I guess somewhere along the way a satanic portal opened up in The Falcon House."

Bart frowned, his eyebrows heavy with concern. "Looking back, I feel as if you should've opened with that."

.o0O0o.

The Falcon House pantry was the size of a small room. In fact, Robin was pretty sure that the coffee shop was a former household of sorts. Something about the floor plan felt different from just a regular restaurant. Maybe it was the size of the rooms, or how there seemed to be an enormous amount of free space in the front, as if someone said "screw it" and tore down the first half of the walls. Either way, the pantry was definitely extraordinarily large, and often Robin found himself lost in the seemingly endless amounts of food they had.

The tactician had gotten straight to work when he entered the food storage area. Immediately, he started testing the portal, recalling on his arcane knowledge and experiences in an attempt to identify this mysterious passageway. Mr. Game and Watch looked unbothered by the huge demonic portal in the room, sweeping the floor casually and mumbling to himself. Bart, however, stood in silence as he stared at his employee working. Impatiently, he started tapping his foot, constantly checking the time on the clock.

"Diagnostic complete." The mage said right before the F-Zero racer interrupted his task. "It appears to be a blood red circular portal, rotating its bands counterclockwise. The radius appears to be 3√74 decimeters, which means the area is… 666π decimeters. Nothing that I've thrown inside has come back, so I assume that maybe no one is on the other side."

"Really?" Falcon glowered, squinting his eyes at the mage. "That's all you could get from it?"

"It's a portal." Robin shrugged. "What, you want me to tell you exactly where it goes?"

"Yeah!" The waiter frowned. "I thought that was the point of this!"

"It's a portal." He repeated, this time a little bit more irritated. "Who the heck knows where it comes from? The only way to tell is if we send a drone in or something."

"How about we just walk through it?" Mr. Game and Watch asked, putting down his broom. Upon further inspection, Bart realize he had just swept the grime into a corner, creating a huge and unnerving dust pile that looked as if it could leap to life at any second.

"Why?" Robin challenged him.

"Why not?" Mr. Game and Watch counter-proposed. "Look, we're all reasonable people here. I'm a Smasher, you're a Smasher, Bart is hiding a rocket launcher under that pile of bananas... Why not we just step through and see what it's all about?"

"What if it's trapped?" Bart pointed out.

"Then how are they supposed to get through the portal?" The Flatlander retorted. "A portal is a two-way street, right? I mean, why keep it this stable for so long? Why hasn't anyone walked through unless they wanted us to do it?"

"I don't mean, like, there's an actual trap on the other side." Bart clarified. "I meant like an ambush."

"Huh." The two-dimensional man shrugged. "Fair point."

The three men jumped as a paper airplane flew through the portal and hit Robin in the shoulder. Cautiously, his friends watched as he picked it up and opened it, awaiting him to read it aloud.

"'_This is not a trap._'" Robin read aloud. "'_You should totally just walk through it._'"

"Ha!" laughed Mr. Game and Watch.

"Shh." Falcon snapped. "Robin, keep reading."

"'_We need your help, Bart Lemming. Further instructions will be given once you enter through the portal and make it to the other side. Ignore color of the portal: we ran out of green dye because someone forgot to buy it when they went to Nookington's._'" Closing the letter, Robin sighed. "Seems a little passive aggressive, but if they have a Nookington's it can't be all bad, can it?"

They stood there a moment, thinking. "Wait a second," Bart suddenly realized. "How did they know what we said?" The others stood perplexed as the Smasher in disguise picked up an orange. With his best throw, he chunked it through the portal with the speed he was infamous for.

"Ow."

"You've been eavesdropping on us the whole time!" Bart stomped his foot angrily against the ground. "What the heck?"

"Look," the portal hastily said, "I had to make sure you were indeed Bart Lemming. I've never tried otherworldly transportation before and needed to make sure that you were the man I was looking for."

"Otherworldly transportation?" Robin repeated. "You mean… like to he—"

"We call it the Underworld, Robin." The portal interjected. "Please, it would be much easier to explain if you just entered and we talked face to face."

"Why can't you just come here?" Bart asked.

"It's… complicated." The portal said. "There's paperwork and an agreement— look, can you just save us all time and step through already?"

Bart looked towards the others, who only shrugged. "Give us another minute to discuss."

"Understood."

The three employees gathered together in a huddle and started mumbling. After a full minute of deliberation, they all turned around to face the vortex. "We agree to your terms!" Bart smiled.

"We do?" Robin and Mr. Game and Watch exchanged worried glances.

"We just went over this." Falcon exclaimed. "We help people in need."

"We didn't agree to anything." Robin's eyes were like Olympic discuses. "We have the Smasher Halloween party later."

Mr. Game and Watch nodded in agreement. "I promised Rosalina I'd come as Mario's shadow this year. I was going to follow him around all night and do goofy things behind his back. After that I was going to take her out for her first trick-or-treat."

"Where's your spirit of adventure?" Falcon turned to face his allies. "Weren't you just saying we should step through, Mr. G? And Robin? You know I'll need backup. You never send a teammate in alone!"

"True…" Both exchanged worried glances again. Clearing his throat, Robin added, "But what if the worst that can happen happens?"

"Oh come on, you turkeys." The F-Zero racer took a step into the portal. "Really, what is the worst that can happen?"

* * *

_The Underworld?_

* * *

When the Falcon House Crew stepped into the portal, they found themselves mystified by what laid in front of them. It wasn't unnaturally distorted nor ugly and blood red. It wasn't disgusting or evil or malicious.

In fact, it looked exactly like Smash Mansion.

"Okay, is anyone else disturbed?" Bart shivered. His hands were raised in a defensive stance, unsure of what to expect.

"We're in the Living Room?" Mr. Game and Watch noted, touching the brown shag carpet below them. "Feels like it too. Are we sure we're actually in the Underworld?"

"Yep." Robin stood frozen, pointing towards the window. "Look."

Bart maneuvered his head over towards the glass and was immediately chilled. Outside, the sky was bright orange. A slew of dead trees surrounded the Mansion, but that wasn't the terrifying part. An exact replica of Smash City stood eerily in front of the Mansion, except instead of the tall and vertical skyscrapers that touched the clouds he saw twisted and bending distortions of the metal towers. It was as if someone had took the metropolis that he loved and played with it like dough. He could faintly see monstrosities flying through the air, some with wings and some without. Startled, he fell backwards onto the couch, his eyes not daring to turn away from the gnarled shadow in front of him.

"What… even…" Even Mr. Game and Watch was at a loss for words.

"I apologize." A voice said behind them. Bart broke his gaze and whipped around to face the newcomer. "I was hoping to explain everything before you saw the exterior."

He was tall, at least eight feet. His skin was a translucent yellowish color, as if someone had just stretched dilapidated plastic wrap across his organs and didn't bother to finish. His huge blacks eyes complimented his flowing black hair and lips, but when he smiled his pearly white teeth met them with some kind of warmth, as if his exterior didn't mean what it looked like. Even then, the creature was hideous, and it was a struggle of will for the Smashers to look it in the eyes.

"My apologies." He bowed stoically. "I have yet to introduce myself. I am what you may refer to me as a monster. My name is—"

"Frankenstein." Robin interrupted. It was clear he meant no disrespect, but his awe forced him to comment. "You're Frankenstein."

The creature before them looked irritated for a moment. "I am actually Victor's creature." He growled. Then he sighed, stepping into clearer light. Bart noticed his lack of bolts in his head and neck. "However, I understand your misinterpretation of the real story after generations of adaptions. After all, I am in the public domain now and can be used in anyway a person wants me to, even crappy fanfictions. Victor neither named me nor called me his own, but I do accept that he created me. If you would, call me Dr. Adam Frankenstein (Fra-ankh-in-steen)." He revealed a tray of cookies, baked fresh from the oven. "I believe you'll find these satisfactory? The kettle is nearly done."

.o0O0o.

It was strange, talking to the infamous Frankenstein's monster. After all, the last thing Bart expected was a demonic portal in the pantry. Or in general. Frankenstein was surprisingly polite and well-versed as compared to his Hollywood stupidity and clumsiness. He could speak English, French, German, Latin, Spanish, Japanese, and Altean, along with a few other languages (he was in the process of learning Mandarin and Cantonese). In fact, it made all of them wonder how his history got so distorted. As they spoke, Captain Falcon gingerly took a bite of his pumpkin shaped cookie. It was definitely not the best of quality, but at the same time it was just impressive that he bothered to bake it in the first place.

"So…" Robin put down his tea and wiped his mouth. "Out of all the names, why choose Adam, Dr. Frankenstein?"

"'_And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul_' (Genesis 2:7)." Frankenstein put down his tea. "I thought it fitting, as both were cast out by our creators and both eventually found purpose in our lives." He flashed his abnormal grin. "I have finally found people who accept me as I am."

"With all do respect," Mr. Game and Watch put down his drink as well. Most of it, due to his 2D frame, had been spilling on the furniture, and eventually it just felt redundant to continue. "I have a smokin' date to return to, so do you mind explaining why you called us here?"

"Ah. I apologize." Frankenstein rolled his shoulders back and popped his jaw, which Bart had just noticed was slowly sliding out of place. "It is… a matter that I wouldn't usually call upon the living for, but perhaps some back story will help explain."

"By all means."

Frankenstein cleared his throat, sitting up straight in his armchair. "As you know, this city has… parallel elements with yours. That is, to simply put it, because we became somewhat obsessed with the Smash Tournament." He smiled, mostly to himself. "The idea of hero beating up hero was at first just a hilarious spectacle to watch, but slowly we too began loving your charm and vigor. I guess you could say we too became inspired by your transactions."

"Someone call an English Teacher." Mr. Game and Watch whispered to Bart. "Someone is looking way too much into things."

"It was marvelous." Adam reflected, gazing out to the window. "We worked day and night to create an exact diagram of your beautiful city, brick by brick, steel beam by steel beam. Naturally," he looked somewhat embarrassed, "we could only see through a glass, darkly. You might notice the… deformations in the buildings."

"Are you kidding?" chuckled Bart. "It looks almost exactly like ours! Sure, yeah, the fact Rump Tower is twisted like a pretzel is pretty inaccurate, but it's still pretty impressive, none the less."

Frankenstein's bovine-like eyes glowed at his words. "Thank you, Mr. Lemming." He nodded, clearly humbled by his praise. "That means a lot to more than you know."

"Go on," Robin motioned. "I'm curious as to the function of this building."

"Ah!" Adam took a sip of his tea before continuing. "Of course. Well, after a while we too wanted to… Smash. Unfortunately, as your organization is copyrighted, we decided to make our own." With a bit of dramatic flare, he stood up, extending his arms outward. With eyes of pride and a booming voice, he proclaimed, "Gentlemen, welcome to Monster Mash Brothers!"

The foyer fell silent at his call, his voice echoing throughout the hallways. Taking a seat, Frankenstein cleared his throat. "That was overly dramatic." He noted. "I don't know what came over me."

"Where is everybody else?" Bart asked, looking around the empty mansion. "It does feel a little bit vacant, don't you think?"

Frankenstein laughed. "Yes, I know. The construction of the mansion was only complete last year. To keep with your tradition, we thought it best to start with twelve and work our way up from there. There is a lot of space, but hopefully by next year we'll have more applicants and more Delayed Launch Contestants."

"Who's in it now?" Robin inquired.

"Trust me, it would be best if you didn't know." Frankenstein laughed, although it came out more of a garbled mash. "It's a little embarrassing."

"Oh please, Adam." A voice said from the staircase. "Don't be so modest. We're all failures."

He was tall and muscular. His purple skin, visible through his grotesque tattered midnight cloak, was marked in red tattoos. His hands had long claws, sharp as razors, and even his hair flickered like fire on a breezy day. When his orange eyes locked with Bart, he felt a shiver down his spine.

"Gentlemen," Their host coughed. "Meet the man who summoned you. This is Hades, Lord of the Underworld."

"Thank you, thank you." The Greek God bowed to an imaginary crowd. "I appreciate your time."

"Umm…" They all knew his name. The three Smashers stood up, unnerved by the nemesis of Pit. "What's he doing here?"

"Ah, cookies!" The evil king of the dead slid down the ramp and waltz over to Frankenstein's baked goods. He popped one in his mouth. "You know, I should be watching my weight, but hey, who gives a here, am I right?"

"Pit told us about you." Mr. Game and Watch said uneasily. "Palutena too. You're supposed to be dead."

"You win some, you lose some, you get resurrected by some." Hades shrugged, sliding into a chair and kicking his feet on the coffee table. "The later one, actually." Before they could speak, he waved his hand. "Oh, don't worry. I'm waiting a bit before my big fabulous return. Rushing in and destroying the world after only a couple of years isn't my MO. I think that's Ridley's or something."

Bart glanced at Frankenstein, who only stared nervously at the ground. The F-Zero racer felt betrayed a little bit, but he at least wanted to attempt to do the right thing. "What do you want?" He growled.

"Simple," Hades leaned forward, his unnerving eyes colliding with Falcon's own daring ones. "I need your help. I can leave this place anytime I want to, but that's not enough. I need something."

"What would that be?" said Mr. Game and Watch.

"Same thing you want, Flatlander." He whipped his head around to stare at the 2D hero. "To go on a smokin' hot date."

.o0O0o.

"So let me get this straight… you want me to help you get Medusa?"

"Yep, that's pretty accurate. Good job, Mr. Twenty-Six."

"It's Twenty-Fiv— oh. Right."

They had recuperated after the King of the Dead's sudden appearance, sitting as comfortably as they could with him in the same room. His jarring mannerisms and quick remarks were unnerving, and it was taking Bart all of his willpower not to dash back into the portal. Hades was a formidable threat; every Smasher had been briefed on each other's enemies in case that drastic situation would arise and their corresponding hero couldn't respond. However, the fact he hadn't killed them all yet was definitely a step in the right direction, so the Smasher in disguise would hear him out. For now, at least.

"Yes yes, I know we didn't get off to a really good start." Hades shrugged, moving his glass in a clockwise motion. "But I just feel something for her, you know? Power of love or whatever. All that sappy stuff." He laughed nervously. "I'm just saying, the armies of darkness are going to move a lot smoother if the heads of the dead are in sync."

"He really means what he says." Adam defended the villain. "Trust me: I wouldn't have a finger in it if he didn't."

Actually, Bart didn't believe either of them. Hades talked about it so casually, as if it was more of a side option than a real commitment. And Frankenstein, well… he wasn't looking to happy about it either, watching nervously and a bit timidly.

"So…" Bart stared blankly back and forth between Frankenstein and Hades. "How do I fit into all of this?"

"You're the big shot! Mr. Love Guru! The guy all of the Smashers go to for love advice!" Hades wrapped an arm around him firmly, and although he politely tried Bart could not writher free. "I'm a Masher. We got that rainbow connection, us guys. So why not go to the best if I want to win someone's heart?"

"I understand what you're saying…" The waiter nodded nervously, still wriggling in his seat. "But I don't understand—"

"It's okay: I'll make it simple." The Lord of the Dead flicked his wrist. All of a sudden, the portal disappeared with a **_POP._**

"You don't do this for me," Hades whistled. "you don't have a way home."

The room fell silent for a moment as the Smashers jumped out of their seats and dashed over to the place where their way home one remained. Mr. Game and Watch patted the ground frantically, as if it had sunk its way into the floor.

"Welp. I'm screwed." He noted.

"We agreed that you wouldn't threaten them into submission!" Frankenstein barked at the Greek God, his eyes getting wide. He walked over defiantly to the ruler of the Underworld, his face twitching.

"Yeah yeah, but who's the king with all of the power here? Me." Hades cackled, pointed to himself. "Guess you can't even do anything if you wanted to, Adam."

Frankenstein tightened his fists. "You're a monster, Hades." He glowered through clenched teeth.

"Okay, that had to be intentional." He laughed again. His orange eyes glaring, he locked eye contact with the racer. "So what now, Mr. Lemming?" He smiled. "You going to help me?"

Falcon looked over at his allies, who only could shoot him nervous glances. "Fine." He growled. "But I'm promising nothing. She either likes you or doesn't, and I can't change that."

"Naturally, naturally, _il cuore è il muscolo più forte._" He paused for a moment, frowning. "Wait, wrong story. Well, it's not like anyone read it, but I digress. Our first date is tonight. It's Halloween, the blood moon is shining, and I rented out a little place down near Mash Street."

"The Falcon House?" sighed Bart. "Or what did you distort that name too?"

"Actually, it's my place." Frankenstein piped in. Blushing, he mumbled, "I call it '_The Monster House…_'"

"Yes yes, Frankenstein will be accompanying you on your quest to help me get her heart." Hades added, intertwining his fingers together. "You two are just like twins! Always wanting to do the right thing. Well, do the right thing tonight," He cast a smug grin. "You might just live to see tomorrow. Chop chop, dinner's at 1900 hours! Looks to me like you don't have a lot of time."

"What about us?" Mr. Game and Watch asked, sitting up taller in his chair.

"What about you?" Hades growled, the flames on his hair becoming erect. The Flatlander held his tongue. "Great! I'm going to get prepared. You gents have fun!" With a snap of his fingers, the Dark Lord disappeared in a black cloud of smoke.

The room fell silent, not one of them sure what to do. Bart shivered in place, staring around the room in despair. One moment he had been ecstatic to work with Frankenstein on whatever he needed help on and the next… well, the next moment was like the world flipped upside down. This was truly the Underworld, wasn't it?

Frankenstein took a breath, rubbing his forehead. "Let's not fret now. It won't get anything done. The best choice for your return is to help me help him win Medusa. I'll guide you to the diner and we can get started."

"The Falcon House isn't a diner." Bart snapped, a little irritated.

"Oh." Adam frowned. "Are you sure about that?"

"What about us?" interjected Robin. "What do we do?"

"I dunno," Bart snapped again, getting up to leave. "Figure something out! Maybe there's another way outta here."

"Not that I know of." Frankenstein told him. "Hades is the only one down here with enough power to summon portals."

"If there's a will, there's a way." The tactician stood up. "We'll figure it out, Bart. You just keep Hades distracted tonight."

"Understood." Falcon nodded. With another nod, Frankenstein and Bart left the mansion.

* * *

_Time: 1800 Hours_

_Location: Mash City_

_The Underworld_

_Somewhere Out There_

* * *

Mash City was much more daunting up close.

Of course, seeing the gravity defying structures from a distance was the bee's knees, but unfortunately standing underneath them was a whole other story. The skyscrapers formed terrifying feats of reality distortion. Even though Bart loved Smash City and the whole atmosphere, seeing this dim reflection made him shiver and long for his villa in Port Town. Every time the peculiar waiter would look up, the buildings seemed as if they were going to crash down on him, ending his life in a split second and sending him straight to—

Now that he thought about it, if he died in the Underworld, where would he go? Would he just continue to walk without even knowing he had passed on? Or perhaps a higher power would lift him into the clouds. Then again, Falcon was no saint, especially of the Bernard variety. Maybe his soul would get lost to time. That thought was somewhat comforting, after all he had been through.

The citizens of Mash City were just as ghastly as one would think. Dry Bones, Redead, Skuttlers, Reapers, and even Ghosts trudged aimlessly through the streets, each casting glances at the living human as he passed. Bart shifted closer to Frankenstein, looking down and trying to avoid their gaze.

"If you're wondering if they can smell you, they can't." Adam joked. In a more serious tone, he added, "I smell of humankind, so it's natural for them to smell me. Don't break from my aura or certainly you'll be broken."

They finally reached Mash Street. If came to no surprise that it looked similar to The Falcon House, but there were some notable differences. For example, the windows that cover the front walls were instead boarded up and shattered. Bart assumed that this was part of the charm of Mash City, as he had seen this style multiple times throughout his walk. In addition, a faded white sign with childlike handwriting hung over the entrance, reading "The Monster House." From the paper airplane they had received earlier, it was clear this wasn't Adam's finessed handwriting.

"Welcome to my slice of heaven." Frankenstein smiled, pulling the keys out of his pocket and unlocking the door. Once inside, Bart could see that it wasn't much different from his own place, minus the fact most of the furniture seemed like last minute improvisation. Crates, coffins, cardboard boxes… Bart walked over to a sturdy looking bench and took a seat, watching wordlessly as Victor's monster started getting ready.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, Mr. Lemming." Frankenstein breathed sadly. "I didn't intent any harm to come to you or your friends."

With that apology, Falcon sighed. "I understand. You were trying to do the right thing and it backfired. Trust me, I know that feeling all too well."

"Thank you, Bart." With that, the monster seemed relieved, as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. "That… that means a lot."

The room fell into silence, as if to allow time for their apology to sink in. After a few moments, the Smasher in disguise spoke to the Masher.

"Adam," asked Bart, somewhat hesitantly. "Do you know?"

"Your secret?" Frankenstein whistled, washing his hands. "Of course, Captain Falcon. I'm not sure how I knew, but I did. But, mind you, most aren't as smart as me, so it might be a matter of intelligence as well."

"Why do you think Robin knew?" Falcon said, although mostly to himself. "You know, that I'm Captain Falcon. Snake is brilliant and even he couldn't deduce my identity until I told him. It was if no one could see past my illusion until he came along. I've always wondered. That's why I hired him. Even his sister knows. But… why does he know?"

"Bart, I learned a lesson a long time ago." hummed Frankenstein, walking over to his fridge and pulling out some frozen meat. "Sometimes, there's mysteries that can't be explained. Sometimes things happen for a reason." He paused, looking at the peculiar waiter. "Destiny is in the hands of men, Falcon, no one else. We define ourselves, and therefore we help define others as well. Things that we do are crucial to our future."

"What the heck does that have to do with Robin?" deadpanned Bart, raising his eyebrow.

Frankenstein smiled. "His destiny is clearly one not defined by Master Hand and his powers. His fate is fluid, uncertain. There's something important he needs to do, and for that destiny he needed to know that you are Captain Falcon. He forged something out of his destiny, and when the time comes we'll see what that something is. As for now," He tossed the Captain a head of lettuce. "Start cutting. I'm not doing all of the work."

* * *

_Mash Mansion_

* * *

"So, Mr. G?"

"Yeah Robin?"

"I have no idea how to get us home."

"Oh. Were you just trying to sound confident?"

"Maybe."

"…"

"…"

"Wanna see if they have a Pokéstop here in Mash Mansion?"

"Darn tootin' I do!"

* * *

_Time: 1900 Hours_

_Location: The Monster House, Mash City_

_The Underworld_

_Beneath the Pale Moonlight_

* * *

Although Frankenstein wasn't the best at baking, he was a wiz at cooking. In fact, the racer in disguise was a bit jealous. The human construct actually had some sort of knack for cooking, almost… unnatural (Falcon groaned internally). Even though Bart was catering to the appetizers, he was taking mental notes of the spices and herbs Victor's monster was using.

The two were getting along great. A little part of Falcon was enjoying working with another competent cook who understood the rudimentary knowledge of the art of the cuisiners. They worked like two gears in a machine, taking over something while the other was busy. Both had a similar sense of humor, so the fact they were cracking jokes the whole time wasn't helping their preparation time. As a matter of fact, when time caught up they weren't even close to being done. As fast as they could, they started panicking, finishing up the basics as quickly as Donkey Kong could clean the banana isle at Smash Mart.

Finally, the hour arrived.

"Here we go…" Bart swallowed nervously, popping his jaw. It was an old habit he had gotten himself into, after... It probably was best if he stopped it.

"Mr. Lemming…" said Frankenstein, adjusting the side of his face that had begun to slump. "I must ask you: have you any advice for me?"

"Hmm?"

The inhuman human blushed. "As a shadow of your work, I wish to know your secret. What is it? How do you help so many people?"

Falcon shrugged, taking a moment to contemplate. "I don't think what I'm doing is possible. But I can certainly try my best." He saw two silhouettes approach the doorway, making him shudder. "Here we go…"

RING!

"This is the place you take me out to?" Medusa hissed coldly, looking around at the modest restaurant. "A coffee house?"

"A diner." Hades corrected her. "And look, a table all to ourselves."

Frankenstein pulled Bart under the countertop. Perplexed, the racer asked, "Why are we under here?"

"It's something that you do." Adam frowned, confused. "Oh, and knock over your pens." He lifted his hand and knocked aside a cup of pens, as if to emphasize his point.

"Huh." That seemed to strike the F-Zero Grand Champion. "Am I that predicable?"

"What's our course of action, Captain?" The monster inquired. "The food still needs to be cooked, so perhaps it might be best if I stay in the kitchen and cook while you take care of the waiting duties?"

"I thought I couldn't look at Medusa." The racer pointed out. "Perseus had his shield, remember?"

"It's fine," Adam promised. "Her powers are weak. Hades just resurrected her a few months ago, so she hasn't built up her maximum strength. You should be fine."

"Should isn't the same as certainly!"

"Either way, you'll be stuck down here forever if you don't risk it."

"Touché…"

"_WAITER!_" Hades snapped in his husk voice. They could see his flames burn brighter from underneath their hiding place. "_FOOD!_"

Smoothly, Bart stood up and grabbed the two salads from the bar top. He approached them as confidently as he could, his strides long and dexterous. "Your entre: two Blue Cheese Crumble Salads with red onion, boiled eggs, and hand-chopped carrots."

Medusa glared at him. He held his breath as he slowly looked up to meet her eyes, praying that what Frankenstein said was true. "You." She snapped when their eyes locked. "Who are you?"

She was surprisingly beautiful.

Her skin was gray, a black tattoo over her left eye. She was dressed in a beautiful violet dress that exposed her patchy scaly skin. The patterns were asymmetrical, but for the most part her right hand was covered in them. Her infamous set of hair was alive and wiggling, their yellow eyes following him wherever he went. As she spoke, her cold and sharp words pierced his mortal skin, and he could barely respond himself.

"Bart." He chattered nervously. "B-Bart Lemming."

She squinted at him, her face unreadable. "What kind of monster are you?"

"Umm…" As quickly as he could, he ratted off the first thing he could think of. "Canadian."

"Ah." She nodded approvingly, leaning back in her seat. "That makes sense."

"Great, scram," Hades shooed him off. "You got places to be, things to do."

"Er, right!" Bart jumped in place before dashing back to the kitchen, where Frankenstein was awaiting him.

"And?" Adam asked when he had closed the door behind him.

The bounty hunter let out a sigh, his eyes huge and uncertain. "This is going to be one long night."

* * *

Bart wasn't wrong.

Hades and Medusa were an… interesting pair, to say the least. Neither of them had a single thing in common. They never locked eye contact, they never smiled at each other, they never… The whole thing was off-putting, as if Hades wasn't even interested in her. Bart had grown suspicious, eyeing them with confusion as he wiped the countertop casually.

"And that's when I set him on fire!" Hades cackled, taking a bite of his salad. "It was hysterical to watch him squirm in his chair as he begged for mercy."

"Haha." Medusa said dryly. Her face was blank and emotionless. "So funny."

"I know I am." The Lord of the Dead said. "Anyways, what'dya think? Pretty sweet place, huh?"

"It is well furnished." She commented, looking at the cobweb covered crate she was sitting on. She seemed honest about that, at least. "Frankenstein has a taste in class."

"I know, right? So good of him to offer it at quarter price tonight. It was because of me, if you're wondering."

"I'm sure it was."

Hades flashed a smile, looking into the glass in front of him for his own reflection. "Ah, I look so good in this suit! It fits like a glove, you know what I'm saying?"

"Sure." Medusa leaned forward in her own chair, as if she was trying to get his attention. "How do I look in this dress?"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Hades scratched his chin. "Should I grow a beard? Obviously less snake-like than yours would be, but still. Wait, is a handlebar mustache eviler than a goatee?"

She stood up, clearly irritated. "Excuse, I need to go to the bathroom."

Hades waved her off. "Go, take your time. Not too long, though. The fun's just beginning!"

"Oh joy…" Falcon heard her murmur. With that, she practically dashed for the restrooms.

"I don't even need you, Bart." Hades patted the corners of his mouth. "I'm killing it!"

"Umm… about that." Falcon grabbed a chair and pulled it up. "Umm… perhaps you should stop talking about yourself so much."

"What?!" Hades raised his eyebrows. "You're being ridiculous. I'm the most interesting thing in this room!"

"You're certainly acting like it." agreed the Smasher in disguise. "But that's the thing: a relationship is a two-way street. You already know so much about yourself— too much about yourself— so why not just let Medusa talk? Everyone likes it when you know a thing or two about them."

"Pfft. Please." Hades scoffed. "Mr. Lemming, I know a thing or two about her already. It's considered an honor to be around me, and trust me, when I ask her for a real relationship, she'll be head over heels for me."

It was Bart's turn to be stubborn. "Hades, I am warning you. You're going to be heartbroken if you don't start acting like you care for her." Under his breath, he mumbled, "Not like I think she cares for you anyways…"

"Just shut up and server, waited." The Lord of the Dead snapped. He seemed frustrated, as if he just expected Bart to back up his statements and not provide any testimony. "I'm about through with you. I'm the King of the Dead. What do you know compared to me?"

Medusa started heading back, signaling Bart's cue to leave. "I warned you…" The human could only shrug as he walked back to the kitchen to watch the train wreck unfold.

* * *

_Mash Mansion_

* * *

"Nice! They have Woohoo!"

After combing the mansion for Pokèmon (it was indeed a Pokèstop, much to their excitement), Robin and Mr. Game and Watch had gotten lost roaming the winding hallways of the spooky mansion. After all, it was a twisted image of the actual residency, so the winding hallways seemed to wrap in on themselves. Eventually, the two explorers found themselves in the second floor kitchen (if they were still on the second floor). As technical guests, Mr. Game and Watch decided to start digging through the fridge for some food. Robin was watching nervously from the doorway, occasionally casting nervous glances at the hall.

"You want anything?" The Flatlander popped the lid on the can and started drinking (and once again pouring it mostly on the floor). "There's some pretty good muchables in there."

"I'm good." The tactician jumped when he heard a bump from somewhere behind him. "Wait, what was that?"

"Hmm?" Mr. Game and Watch put down his drink. "What was what?"

"That usually means be quiet!" Robin quipped.

"Sorry I don't get your social cues!"

"What, and speaking loudly as possible is?"

They froze as a huge shadow overtook the doorway, encompassing the little light there was in darkness. Nervously, the duo turned towards the entrance, shuddering at the thought of what hideous monster could be lurking.

"Oh, hiya guys!" Crazy Hand waved. "Long time no see!"

"Crazy Hand?!" The two said simultaneously.

"Ooo, Woohoo!" Crazy Hand dashed over to the fridge and snatched one up. Crushing it in one strong grab, it exploded, covering him in a chocolate liquid substance. "I love Woohoo!"

"What are you doing here, Crazy?!" Robin stuttered. "This is Mash Mansion, not our world!"

"Oh, this old place?" Crazy Hand was tremoring in place, like he always did. Each word was even more distorted than usual, and it took a moment for Robin to process the actuality of what the Hand was saying. "Master Hand put me in charge of it. Where do you tank I spend all of my free thyme?"

"I thought Monster Mash Brothers wasn't affiliated with the Smashers." Mr. Game and Watch pointed out.

"Could be a subsidiary. " Robin noted. "That way Master Hand could branch out and not be shunned for spreading heroism. Think about it: what better way to inspire hope in their own world than to take the concept of what they hate most and turn it into a thing of homeland pride? That way they think it's something they came up with. It's brilliant."

"My bro's pretty fart that way." Crazy Hand was grabbing dishes from the cabinets and throwing them on the floor. "So why are you guys chillin' in my cabbage? Did I accidentally kill you too?"

"No— but we'll come back to that last part in a bit." The Ylissen scratched his chin, deep in thought. "Crazy, can you make a portal to send us back to our world?"

"Yeah, no problem!" Crazy Hand snapped his fingers. An explosion was heard, along with multiple car alarms that echoed throughout the hallways. "Wait, exit, not explosion." He spun around in a clockwise motion, forming a bluish portal in front of him. "There we Godot! Straight back to the World of Warcraft!"

"Thanks Crazy Hand." Mr. Game and Watch nodded. "We'll just be on our way here—"

"Wait, what about Bart?" interjected Robin.

"What about Bart?"

"He'll be trapped here if he fails Hades." The tactical fighter reminded him.

"Oh… oh come on!" The Flatlander stomped his foot angrily. "Stupid morals and stuff…"

"If you're waiting for someone, the Mashers are paying some roleplaying game downstars." Crazy Hand told them. "Naturally, I'm too bushy to go, but if you're intertextual I'm sure they're all gay to have you guys."

"Again, we're going to come back to that last one…" Robin contorted his neck. "But we can't leave a teammate behind."

Mr. Game and Watch tapped his foot impatiently, eyeing the clock. "Could he at least hurry a little though…?"

* * *

_Time: 1930 Hours_

_Location: The Monster House, Mash City_

_The Underworld_

_Someone's Thinking of Me_

* * *

"Cut to the chase, what is this really about?"

They had started on their main course: a nice juicy sirloin steak cooked as rare as possible. Monitoring their date from a distance was somewhat difficult due to the low register of Medusa's voice, but for the most part what Bart could pick up wasn't good. Hades was still being a plain out jerk on top of his narcissistic behavior, badgering Medusa every time she did something he didn't like. He could even tell that she was getting annoyed; the snakes on the top of her head were agitated and eyeing him with desperation. However, it was clear from the way that he talked that Hades still cared for her, even if the feelings weren't reciprocated. The racer shut his eyes tight and began a silent prayer that this is how dates in the Underworld were supposed to go.

"Blunt tonight, are we?" Hades slid his barely-touched meal off the table, not even looking as it shattered against the ground.

"This is my usual curtness." She glowered. "Last time we worked together you used me."

"Hey, you decapitated me I blew off your arm and then ended your life again…" Hades shrugged. "I say let bygones be bygones. You know, bury the hatchet?"

She held her cold gaze. "What is this all about, Hades?"

"Right, right…" He chuckled nervously. "Medusa, you mean a lot to me, you know that?"

"No."

"Anyways, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go out with me. Like, on a date."

"I thought that what this was."

"I mean like, a progression of dates." Hades started snapping his fingers. "Oh come on, you beautiful mind, what is it called... Bart, what's that called?"

"A relationship?" He called out from the kitchen, although it was more of a question.

"Yes, yes, that!" Hades pointed at his dinner partner. "A relationship! We've been talking for a bit, you know, and I just want to know if you felt the same way about me."

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying is… is…"

"Spit it out."

"I like you more than the average person!" He said after some difficulty. The room fell silent at his awkward lingo, as if even the dust particles were trying to process what he just said.

"You… you're in love with me?" The snake lady put it into more common terms.

"…Yes."

…

"What?" Her face was scrunched up, as if she was about to bust out laughing. "You're joking."

"Huh?" Although Bart couldn't see his face, the waiter could feel his confusion and disappointment. If that was confusion and disappointment.

"I can't believe this." She cackled heartlessly. She played it off overdramatically, clearly just to rub more salt in the wound. "Really! I can't! The charade's over anyways now, so I guess I can admit it! I've been using you like you used me, slowly regaining my power and influence. Who would've thought along the way I would've seduced you as well?! Ha! To think, the ruthless Lord of the Underworld brought soft by a girl with snake hair! Hysterical!"

Hades grew pale, if that was even possible. "But… but I—"

"Ha! I should be ruling the Underworld if you're the king." She stood up. "Thanks for the meal, you blunder. See you around!"

"But, wait—" By the time he had called out, she had already left, leaving the Greek God speechless. "Wait…"

Frankenstein and Falcon exchanged worried glances, the same thought on both of their minds.

"We're dead men." The F-Zero Hero swallowed.

Frankenstein nodded weakly, but he tried to remain confident. "You've got a way with words, Bart." He reminded him. "Umm… I hate to do this to you, but—"

"I'll give it my best shot." Bart shivered. Hesitantly, he fumbled up to the Lord of the Underworld and put a hand on his shoulder.

"She said no…" The racer could hear him mumble under his breath. If there was any real emotion tonight, it was right now. "To me! Me!"

"There there, Hades." Falcon raised his eyebrows as he started patting him on his surprisingly muscular shoulders. "You win some, you lose some. Just remember that sometimes people don't feel the same way as you do. Sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past and move forward with your life without thinking about what could've been—"

"She's madly in love with me!" Hades stood up, a look of denial on his face. "I just know it now!"

"Er, come again?"

"Did you see how she stared at me?!" The Dark Lord whipped around to face his captive and smiled a huge grin. "She's crazy for me. I just know it!"

Bart just stared at him blankly. Hades's attitude seemingly transformed in a moment, one of apathy to one of emotional distress. It nearly made Bart forget about the previous demeanor towards Medusa. "Umm. Okay."

"Oh, this date was more than a success. In fact, it was juicy! She's playing hard to get, and I have to have her!" He started pacing around the room. "Ooh, I'm on fire tonight!" On cue, his hair lit up.

Frankenstein and Bart exchanged another nervous glance, as if they were unsure what to do. "Does that mean I get to leave now?" The bounty hunter asked hopefully.

"Oh what, you?" Hades shrugged. "Yeah, sure, whatever." He waved his hand. "There should be another portal waiting for you back in the mansion and whatever. You and your mortal friends can leave on the caveat that Pitter-Pat and Pauly don't know that I'm back. Kay kay, little guy?"

"Whatever floats your boat." Bart shrugged, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth. "Umm. Good luck, mate. On getting her."

"Oh trust me: I already have her. She's wrapped around my finger!" Hades cackled. "The Emperor has a new groove, baby!"

* * *

Bart expected Robin and Mr. Game and Watch to be hard at work figuring out how to solve their predicament when he returned to the mansion. After all, their determination seemed to carry from their work life into their daily activities.

However, what he came back to was completely different.

"After sneaking out to watch the game with your friends," Dracula Vlad Ţepeş narrated as Captain Falcon stepped into the living room. "you come home to discover that your wife is there, standing impatiently with her arms crossed and a look of anger on her face."

"Oh shoot man," A huge hairy werewolf started nudging Robin, who looked distraught to be caught red-handed. "She's going to dig into you."

Even the vampire shot him a look of pity, but it was immediately overtaken by a look of amusement. "'Honey,' she glowers, 'Did you take out the trash like I asked you to?'"

"Oh shoot, I forgot!" The tactician exclaimed, banging his head against the table. All of the monsters around him immediately bursted out laughing at his shortcomings. Even Mr. Game and Watch seemed amused, busting out two-dimensional tears in the process.

"Heya, guys." Bart sheepishly waved as he came inside. "What'cha doing?"

"We're playing Houses and Humans." The Flatlander told him, rolling a die. "Wanna join?"

Just then, a portal popped back into existence right behind the couch, making everybody jump in surprise. The monsters stared enviously at it, as if they wanted to step through so badly and reign terror on the Overworld.

"That would be our exit, gentlemen." Bart told them. "We…" He briefly exchanged glances with Frankenstein, "accomplished something tonight."

"Hey, rocking!" Robin and Mr. Game and Watch stood up, much to the dismay of their fellow Mashers. "It's about time we left." Robin noted.

"And to think, we had an alternate escape route too…"

"What?" Bart's eyebrow darted upwards.

"We'll tell you later." Robin waved him off. "It's already— shoot, 1956 Hours! You're not going to make it to the party, Mr. G!"

"It's okay," Mr. Game and Watch chugged the last of his soda. "I stole the keys to the Blue Falcon this morning."

"Wait, what?"

"Thanks, gentlemen and ladies, but I gotta dash! See ya!" With that, the Flatlander did a somersault over the back of the couch and ran desperately towards the portal.

"I agree, we must get going now." Robin nodded. Every monster at the table moaned in sadness. "I really appreciate you guys. Maybe instead of destroying the world next time you can come over and chill."

"We will miss you, flamboyant man." The werewolf brushed a tear aside. "I promise I'll eat you last."

The tactician tiled his head to the side a cracked a nervous grin, as if he wasn't positive that he was joking or not. "Okay then…"

It was the racer's turn to say goodbye now. Bart turned towards his companion. "Thanks Adam." He nodded.

"For what?" The monster looked surprised.

"For giving you monsters a good name." Bart nodded. "I… I hope you make your way to Skyworld one day."

"I committed the sin of murder." Victor's monster looked away. "Not out of self-defense, not out of fear… but for the pleasure of watching Victor Frankenstein become as worthless as I was. I… I deserve this."

Falcon shifted uncomfortably in place, trying to find some way to put his words. "Adam, if you really want to be like me, and I mean really, I need to tell you something."

"What?"

"You can't get rid of past mistakes." He placed his hand on Frankenstein's shoulder. "You can only hope that your present can help others. I made some horrible choices in my past. And if you believe that I'm the hot fire you say I am, then maybe it's possible for both of us to redeem ourselves. Don't dwell on the past." He smiled at his next line. "Forge your destiny."

Frankenstein smiled back. "Let's make it so."

* * *

**A/N: Long freaking Author's Note coming, TL;DR at the bottom.**

**This chapter was about twenty-three pages long. I'm dead inside. The last Saint Bernard Chapter was about thirty pages long. I can't keep writing these long chapters. They're killing me.**

**What this means is after this chapter, this will stop being a one-shot collection and culminate into an actual story.**

**I bet zero percent of you care, but if you skipped a chapter this might be the time to read it. Starting after Chapter 16, I will assume you've read every chapter thus far. I understand that this probably only applies to very few of you, but so be it. I have so much more I want to write about, but I don't have the time anymore to sit down and write these long chapters. Furthermore, I don't want to cut content for the sake of more views. That's cheap to you and me. So, I'm sorry if you don't like these changes, but I want to finish what I've started here.**

**Now to something a bit mixed in emotions: I'm taking a break for a while. Not like I haven't been on a break for a while, but that was for college applications. No, this break is something I've been thinking about for a long time…**

**Another story!**

**January 10th marked the three year anniversary of this story, and you can imagine writing the same thing for three years gets a little monotonous. So, for starters, I am taking a break until I'm done with High School. Calculus is killing me slowly, and I'm putting a lot of effort into college right now. All that time is cutting into my free time, so sadly I no longer have the pleasure of writing as much anymore. If I do write, it's for essays now, and you know how exciting those are. And as fun as The Falcon House is, I want to branch out and write a few other things as well, and thus leading into my next project.**

**No joke, this upcoming project will be the biggest, longest writing project I have ever indulged upon. It involves pixel art and custom music and a load of other stuff. I'm super excited to start it, but the problem is it's such an undertaking that I need to clear room off of my schedule. Last time I did something like this it took three months, and that was without the custom stuff. Not only that, this is going to be longer than that story, twice (perhaps triple) its length.**

**No, I'm not telling you what it is or what it is about, but I will tell you when it is done. I have been dying to start it. I am hoping to present to you a new side of myself by writing it, and I hope I have your permission. I will apologize for the long hiatus this story is about to embark on, but I swear I will finish it. I still love this story, but this other story is one I just can't drop.**

**I'm sorry.**

**TL;DR: From Chapter 16 onwards, The Falcon House is a continuous story, so if you have not read everything catch up now. Furthermore, the story is going on hiatus for another (surprise) story that may take forever to write. Estimated time is unknown, but I will return to finish this story. Trust me, I think you'll have a blast once I finish. Planning has already commenced!**

**Anyways, I wish you love. Work hard, keep your head up, and smile! Have a fantastic day!**

**-Circuit's Dead**

* * *

"Yeah, yeah. It's true."

Hades spun around in his revolving chair, holding on to his cell phone. He was in his dorm room in Mash Mansion, grinning fiendishly.

"You're positive?"

"I thought that's why you asked me to check." Hades shrugged. "I know how to identify this kind of thing."

"And no one suspects anything?"

"Well, Medusa is confused as all be it, but it might be best if she doesn't know about it either. Last time I told her I used her it didn't end up pretty."

"Oh yes, Hades. Thank you. The man in charge will be pleased to hear about your assistance."

"What can I say? I respect organized crime—especially at this level, might I add. Tell your boss I've repaid my debt for my resurrection. Besides, it's fun to watch the masses squirm as they try to piece it all together. They're completely clueless so far."

"…Ah."

"Indeed. Well then, I must be off. See you around, Hazama."

"Farewell, Hades. Oh, and one last favor…"

The voice paused.

"It's about the other man, Robin."

* * *

_Guest Review Response Corner_

_Guest #1 (October 20th, 2016): Well played, Internet. In seriousness, I hope you do use the Internet to solve these little puzzles I've left behind. I hope you don't spend hours trying to solve it. My plan should result in it all tying in at the end, but as for now, well…_

_THE PLOT THICKENS_

_Guest #2 (October 20th, 2016): Ah, Gravity Falls. Is it sad to say my family cut cable right when it started getting good? As I said in the response above: don't worry too much about the code. If possible, use the Internet. It's not like I'm going to know anyways whether you use it or not :P_

_As for the previous chapter, eh. I told someone what it was and they said I made it too vague. Don't fret about it, it's not a question of intelligence when I don't give enough clues. But I appreciate that you enjoyed the balance between emotion and humor, as it is such a delicate thing to balance when writing._

_As for Robin and Dark Pit, I've left them openly vague for now, but over these past months I got a couple of ideas. Really, I wanted it to be a one time deal, but they've both turned into something fun. You'll see them soon enough…_

_Alx: I always try to answer all of my reviews because I know how much they mean to others. They mean a lot to me too, and when I was younger I'd always be too afraid to comment on stuff I liked. So trust me when I say your review is awesome and you're awesome for being braver than me :)_

_As for FE pairings, Scarlett and Corrin all the way. There's a few more, but one in particular I'm saving for a later chapter. One that may involve the pairing you seek…_

_Also, my FE Heroes friends code is on my profile page._

_Magie: Actually, I went through a lot of outtakes trying to figure out what to do for the Halloween update, one of which was a trick-or-treating chapter. I eventually settled on this one because of the story Frankenstein, just because of how amazing it truly is. I highly suggest reading it; it is a classic that has been horribly mutilated by Hollywood. Mary Shelley is a brilliant author, and if you want a story that is worthy of it's fame I suggest you crack it open!_

_Thank you all for reviewing! These mean a lot to me, and I hope I answered any questions or comments you had. I apologize for the upcoming hiatus, but trust me: it'll be worth it! My goal is for it to be at least four hours long ;)_

_Anyways, I wish you love!_

* * *

**Star: ALERT**

**Key: 19-1-13-21-19 (Actually 19-1-13-21)**

**YLT RLLH REB NSPR RESR LKMB WSQ JY EBSPR QL WEY KLR RSHB SII LC JB**


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